Aellyce

Hi Friends,

this is yet another question about mood...

I've been sober ~4.5 months and quite happy about my recovery. I have a few other challenges that I've been handling OK so far, like my work and many colleagues depending on me, and an intimate relationship with a girlfriend.

My problem right now is that I feel increasingly, yet again, that I want to *escape* from all these things in my life. I absolutely don't feel like drinking again, more a diffuse emotional state of wanting to detach... and I am not sure what to do about it.

I have a history of trading addictions, so many many obsessive/addictive tendencies. I don't want to get into yet another one.

I have a therapist who's helpful but in limited ways as he'd never had an addiction himself.

Any insights? I hope I'm not very confusing.

ImperfectlyMe

Like you once I got far enough into my journey I began to hear what my mind/body was confusing cravings for simply wanted to escape. I wanted the ability to turn the light off, check out. Drinking was always so easy for that but came with far greater negative consequences then the occasional void of feeling.

While I have no great alternative escape, for me it's always been music. If I'm feeling low I commiserate with a haunting sad song. I've 100s if you need a recommendation . I find I can loose myself in the lyrics and healthfully check out for a few.

A close friend as well as my brother have been singing the praises of meditation. And how badly this stress ball over here needs it. My ADD brain has yet to master this but I am staring at an E. Tolle book as I type.

Cograts on your sober time great job

jdooner

Trading addictions - something I am quite good at. It takes time to rewire our brains if that is possible. Research suggests we can grow and change neuropath ways over time through meditation. However, given our needs are immediate and potentially life threatening, I have found becoming mindful of how you operate can allow you to put tools and safety measures in place so you don't indulge in new addictions.

An example would be to get sober but then when your ego is out of balance (puffed up or low) to click away on Amazon. Sex is a big one or masturbation, compulsively. Work is an easy addiction to fall into. How many people when they break up talk about jumping back into their work - its a coping mechanism to feed a low ego and self esteem. As alcoholics we used to use booze for that:-)

Try Awareness from De Mello or Mindfulness for Beginners, Kabat-zinn. Getting into a consistent pattern of meditation has helped me become more mindful.

Cow

I been detach anhedonic whole life. I still trying to get BACK IN to feel anything. Other side of coin is I quickly over-stimulated. I think is common when you has use detachment (via addiction or any method) to default to use this escape route when one get overwhelm. Maybe you just need more personal spaces, like time for the meditation as JD suggest, or alone time for jog or walk or just sit outside and read book.

Dee74

Hi Haennie

I'm not sure this is a terribly useful answer but I really had to work hard to build a life I didn't want to escape from.

For me that meant working on balance, and learning it was ok to say no to things in order to look after myself a little better.

I struggled with finding things that helped me relax for a while.

I think my addicted brain was instinctively looking for the instant relief thing...instead I found things that take a little longer to work but are ultimately more effective for relaxation.

For me those things include playing and listening to music, reading, exercise, funny movies or tv shows.

I've been know to use urge surfing too when something is on my mind and being a little intractable

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-surfing.html

Now, there are still days when things are rough - sometimes really rough - but I never feel that pull to want to check out anymore.

I call that progress

D

Notimetoloose

Where is the release valve? It can be tough.

I trade addictions as well...

It is hard to discern when something crosses the line from a passion into an obsession, especially in the behaviour addictions...sex, work, gambling, gaming, religion, workout, et cetera.

I know a hard core heroin, meth addict couple who traded their addiction for a serious workout addiction to go on and open a gym, then several more and then a line of health supplements.
Life could not be better for them...

I work in a very creative field both producing and post production. This is a good fit for me as I am creative person and have a very messy mind and like to work my own and odd hours, I can get so 'in the zone' that hours go by and I will feel surprised when looking around and see that there is a world going on around me.
It also can work against me because I can get so obsessed with unnecessary work and can burn out.

For the best part I like being sober and present in my life but I have moments when I feel stark raving sober and it is a battle applying and learning healthy coping skills. Talking F2F helps me, walking it out. Knowing it will pass. I feel it is very important to laugh, magic happens then and has its own reciprocity.

caboblanco

I have such a raw nasty mood right now.. I pretty much accept the fact that these moods will come and go..I have no idea where they come from or how to stop them other then waiting. i don't expect anybody to understand them...since i don't even myself..I like to go for a swim in cold water especially...get a massage maybe..watch neutral tv like american pickers or some other nonsense

Cow

I calls that "free-floating rage" and was very helpful to understand this and no longer try to attaches it to anything. Cuz is very tempting to try to put it on something, or someone, if you knows what I mean.

courage2

I think everyone needs now and then to quiet the over-stimulated mind and gain peace -- detachment, escape. It's just that alcoholics & addicts have only learned an ultimately self-destructive method of escapism. So we need to learn new things. Serious study of meditation will get you there. Me, I try every day to spend a little bit of time, maybe just 5 minutes, thoroughly engrossed in something I find beautiful. There's always sleep, too, if you can get it. No one says sober adults can't shut the door and have a lie-down.

caboblanco

i mainly internalize my depression and anxiety. Speaking your mind doesn't have to be a sign of misguided anger. I've been on the receiving end of such anger. still don't know if someone was truly that angry with me or what.

zerothehero

Haennie, I read your post twice because I wasn't real clear. You say you want to "escape" and then "more a diffuse emotional state of wanting to detach..."

I'm not sure they are the same thing. To better understand, are you equating wanting to escape with wanting to detach? It seems to me there could be a difference.

In my mind, escaping implies "getting away" from something while detachment implies a psychological separation without actually escaping.

DoubleBarrel

You can get out of your own head better than drugs and alcohol, and it's endorsed by AA too.

It takes a little work, but can be really amazing once you get the hang of it.

It's called meditation.

You're welcome.

RobbyRobot

Your sounding accomplished and happy enough working thru your challenges. Accomplishment nourishes responsibility and invites further opportunities for accomplishment which yet again nourishes more responsibility... and you see where this is going.

You might want to consider its not your life accomplishments and happiness you want to escape from, but more the ongoing enrichment of your responsibilities created along with your successes.

Let me ask you if you have a history of unfinished projects or challenges? If so, this could be an insight into those experiences. On the other hand, if you have a history of finishing what you start time and time again, then the thing may be your not being challenged enough!

You don't need to actually answer me, I'm just giving food for thought is all, based on my own experiences...

Awesome your 4+ months into your sobriety!

Grungehead

This was what jumped out at me reading your post because I have found it baffling in my own recovery. I could never understand why I could ever have the feeling of wanting to "escape" when my life was so much better sober. What I found out is that it had more to do with what I perceived as stress in my life, and it didn't matter if it was positive or negative stress.

Robby mentions responsibility, and for some reason I always seemed to equate stress with responsibility regardless of whether or not it was positive or negative. I would feel just as stressed out if I was being promoted or fired -- moving into a nice place or being evicted from a dump -- getting married or getting divorced. I just didn't handle the stress that comes with life well and drinking was a means of coping with it.

Finding a way to cope with the stresses of (everyday) life without medicating is one of the keys for me to stay sober today. For me personally that has come from realizing that all I can do is the next right thing and trusting that my HP is now in control of the results. It has made my responsibilities seem much more manageable now that I don't feel like I am doing it alone.

MesaMan

There are Sound Generators that provide relaxing Audio. Breaking Ocean Waves, especially, do it for me, and provide positive effects via altered Brain Waves that can be measured.

Sound Generator Search Results

To use a WW II phrase my Dad used, there are 'boo coo' Stations on line that provide Trance Music. 'Ambient' Channels are just what the word says. There's a few on 'Dish Network', too. I popped $$$ years ago for Sennheiser Studio Pro Headphones, but any ole Ear Buds will work.

Trance Music Stations On Line

I haven't done it, but Tech_y types should be able to find some 'iHeartRadio' Trance Music Channels via their Phones. Also, I would think you could download Music to a File to play through your Phone or 'Nano' Player for chillin' while portable.

iHeartRadio Link

I can fix about anything. So, I grabbed a free Hot Tub that seats about 6 from a Gal Pal selling her House. I'll fire it up to provide a nice relaxing soak in. All I have to do is put the major Components back together. Piece O'Cake. I especially like the Japanese Soaking [Hot] Tubs where there's no Motor sounds. Just soak in quiet and mentally drift away...

'You don't need a Pill or a Swill to Chill' ~ Me

Aellyce

Thanks so much, everyone, for the wonderfully insightful responses. Each time I start a thread asking for advice, I'm totally floored at the feedback. SR is really special in terms of the quality of interaction and support.

Very interesting to read all this, I feel like you guys know me quite a bit... not surprising given how much I post on SR, but maybe more than anything, the issues I was addressing are definitely things many (most?) of us with addiction history tend to battle one way or another.

The strongest general consensus in what you guys have suggested to me is that I need to focus on developing a disciplined, regular regime of relaxation - this could not be more true for me! My life is definitely not short of positive, interesting things... also plenty of great people even in my 3D world... I have absolutely no objective reason to want to "escape" from it. And, thinking more, "escape" is really not the correct term... I think what tends to happen to me is that my mind is so active and can be overstimulated just by itself, and then I feel an overwhelm. But when this happens I am most often overwhelmed by my own nervous energy, not external reality, I just project it onto the external things and environment. This is why I feel most of you guys were spot on suggesting that I focus on meditation and other forms of relaxation.

I have been into mindfulness and meditation for over 10 years now, tried many methods, but the problem is that I do this in bursts... not consistently. I think this will be one major area for me to work on now. Thanks for the many good suggestions, including the music - that's also right on the money for me as I love music, actually make music sometimes electronically, one of my hobbies. I also use music often in meditative exercises and have a huge collection. The trance/ambient is also a good fit. I actually used to trance dance also (not the rave kind but more a dance meditation exercise) - I will probably revive that, need to find a place for it.

Many thanks again, all!

Aellyce

Some specific reactions:

ImperfectlyMe - I do similar things with songs... it's basically the same mechanism that was discussed on SR regarding many people liking TV box sets. I don't watch much TV, but can hardly imagine a day without music.

JD - yes I definitely tend to binge-work, always have done this (except in my worst drinking and depressed times). Usually I don't feel concerned about this unless it throws off my balance, and I need to keep an eye on that. The other compulsions you mention like shopping or sex I have never had personally, but have seen similar things in others and what you are saying is true: these things can serve a relatively easy "replacement" for some of us. What I tend to overdo mostly is thinking actually, and I definitely have a sort of information addiction (so you can imagine my relationship with the internet and technology).

Cow - yes I get what you mean about being easily overstimulated. I think this happens even more to people who live a withdrawn life, and then suddenly are placed into a rich environment with many things going on. Our brains get used to the sensory deprivation, and then can experience even normal levels of stimuli as overload. I've experienced this many times after periods of isolation.

Dee - Yes, this is it, it's all about relaxation. Actually, relaxing actively (using the methods suggested in this thread and other methods) CAN provide instant relief also. I just need to do them regularly. I think I will pick up my old passion for going to spas also

Notimetoloose - that's such a great story about the addict couple "trading" it for fitness and positive lifestyle, and making it into a business. I think I've been doing something like this, even before I stopped drinking, when I decided to do research on addiction and related psychiatric issues. I'm definitely a bit obsessed with it. What you describe about your creative work sounds a bit like this concept:
Flow (psychology) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Definitely a great state to be in, I also know it well and can easily experience it through my work or when I play around with music in computers.

Cabo - I totally agree with you on the mood swings. I'm actually not a super moody person in general, so when I have even small fluctuations, I probably overreact a bit. But yeah I agree it's not helpful to try to figure out the source of many of the mood swings. I think very often it's simply just fluctuations in our brain and body chemistry.

Courage - "thoroughly engrossed in something I find beautiful" - that absolutely works for me, too. I never thought about this as a method of relaxation, though. I think you are right, I should try to integrate this into a regime.

Zero - probably it's clearer for you now reading my responses. But you are correct. Basically, I think it's because of the overwhelm rooted in my mental hyperactivity that triggers a desire to "escape" (have breaks). And yes detachment is my default psychological defense mechanism for feeling overwhelmed. It's kind of automatic for me, and I don't like my behavior when it happens, I don't like being aloof, but I often am. Well, these days not so often as this is something I've been trying to work on for a long time now. There is a difference between healthy non-attachment and detachment, if that makes sense to you.

DoubleBarrel - yep, I know what you mean. I should not be lazy with my meditation scheme.

Robby - you've got some deep truth there about me. I definitely have a history wanting to get away from too much commitment and responsibility. It's sort of a false sense of and desire for independence and freedom... This is something I don't like about myself but a trend regardless. One of the main areas I'm trying to address with my therapist currently. And good catch, I do have a history of unfinished projects... well, not necessarily unfinished per se, but not wanting to stay in the same project/situation/place too long. My work history is packed with starting a new job, then a brand new line of research project (usually a very challenging one), laying the foundations, pulling other people into it, then after a while moving on and leaving what I'd started for all the others. This has actually mostly served the "others" well. It is first time in my life now that I feel I don't want to move on from my current field and am very happy with it. But yeah, it involves having to deal with the buildup of responsibility and commitment. I can't say the same for my current relationship yet, but am trying. With my old attitude, I think I would have moved on from it already but I'm trying to take the more difficult road now with this.

Grungehead - ditto on the stress thing. But I also actually tend to seek out difficult, challenging, and consequently often stressful situations. A clear pattern in my life. What you said about trusting your HP to help you navigate through all this is something I'm trying to learn currently. Let go of all the control. I think it's essential for a balanced mind and life. For me, it's not something mysterious and external that I like to trust now, more a network of human connections and support, that I don't need to do everything by myself and often others genuinely want to help and play their own role in the system.

MesaMan - some cool suggestions, thank you!

Soberpotamus

Yes, this is definitely relatable. I'm there. And can see myself as if from the objective observer perspective outside myself looking in on myself, watching myself withdrawing inwardly or distracting to get away from the moment. Detaching emotionally, running from, etc... I'm all too good at those mechanisms of "coping." And it seems it's automatic.

Only with sobriety have I even become aware of the extent to which I do them. It's rather scary, or daunting anyway, to see how I probably need to "rewire" a few things

Awareness is key. Then rigorous honesty. Personally, I can buy into a lie about myself so quickly and that scares me. So if I can believe an internal sort of lie (about my own character, actions, thoughts etc), it's a no brainer that I can extend that to lying or manipulating my environment. So for me, I have to constantly keep vigil within to see what I'm telling myself, how I'm actually feeling, and then acting in such a way that's authentic, and based on truth (as far as I can tell). It's hard sometimes, easy at other times.

Hope you at least feel like you're not alone in this anyway. Those are just my own experiences, and I'm learning as I go

Aellyce

Hi Jennie,

What you have said is very true for me as well, especially

I actually often read all those threads on SR about people in need of "detachment", and I think, jeez, that stuff comes naturally to me and I need to go in the opposite direction...

And YES for rigorous honesty. I myself have used conscious manipulation more often than I would like to admit, often in tricky ways, to "support" my wanting to get away from addressing and resolving my issues. I feel I don't have a problem with the awareness part, much more with the execution. I often get stuck in a dissonance between my (I think, honest) convictions and my actions. And of course this creates a never ending current of disappointment in myself, stress, and sometimes those wishes that I believe inspired my OP here, about "escape"...

What I feel I need to work on, more than anything at this point, is not the honesty of my feelings and self concept (I think I'm pretty good about that). Much more the alignment of my actions with the honest perceptions, no excuses, no shortcuts. In other words, a discipline that's in line with my convictions. More integrity.

Thanks again; as you can see I really relate and yes I absolutely don't feel alone anymore - this has been probably the best part of my SR experience

Soberpotamus

Yep. Same here Well said.

I'm a fellow information addict, btw. It's a tough one, because it's so justifiable, right? Always in need of MORE info, more analysis, more preparation/planning. Lol.