vegancat

(deep breathe...I, like I'm sure most people, do NOT like admitting I've got a problem. I like to *pretend* I'm damn near perfect, lol).

So, I'm not real happy with my drinking habits and I think I'm fast becoming, if not a full-blown alcoholic YET, then definitely an ABUSER. In the past five years or so, I've gone from a once a week binge drinker to a four/five days a week drinker. At first, I just told myself that I was just a FUN party-girl kinda person...after all, I *am* more social and likable once I'm buzzed and it was just sort of a joke amongst my friends. But my college days were over ten years ago....I've got a family now. Drinking this much was NOT something I thought I would be doing at 33. The saddest thing is that my 2 1/2 year old daughter is WELL aware of what a beer and cigarette is (there is something deeply disturbing about a toddler asking her mommy if she is "Gonna have another beer?").

Anyway, I've told myself many times I'm going to cut down (hasn't everyone?). But the reality is, once I have that first drink, the only thing that stops me is running OUT of beer or cigarettes (for they must go together). Luckily, I can't drive our only vehicle because it's too big (and I'm a lousy driver) or else I would just be running my drunk self right down to the store for another round....

Another part of my problem is that my husband drinks, too, but HE has no where near the problem I do....he seems to be able to STOP when he wants to. My influence has caused him to drink a lot more than he would have otherwise...since I always want to drink, he does, too; why should I have all the fun? But I don't think he NEEDS to like I do.

So my fears with quitting are many: I'm scared that I won't have any more fun in my life. Drinking is so damn social....everything we do revolves around it. So what? I'm going to be that boring person drinking water while everyone else is having a good time? And I can't very well expect DH to quit drinking because I can't handle it.....how will this affect our marriage? We MET in a bar, for goodness sake's, lol. Drinking is our main activity. What if marriage sucks sober? And I'm scared that I will become the shy, insecure person I REALLY feel like; alcohol makes me fun and everybody likes me.....if they see that I'm really very blah....what then? Also, what am I going to do in the evenings? What am I going to do for fun? What am I going to do to relax? What do I do when I'm stressed?

But the biggest fear is admitting to people that I am flawed....that I can't control this behavior. Having them think less of me, or think "I always KNEW she had a problem...", whatever. I never, never turn to other people for help and it scares the hell out of me to think of doing this NOW, with this kind of problem. Ideally, I want to quit on my own, in private and never, ever mention this to anyone...not even DH. Just like blow off not drinking as I'm watching my weight or something. I am not the kind of person that would ever seek counselling or AA....I'm very self-reliant, too self-reliant, and that just does not seem possible for me right now. My one source of pride is my self-control....you can see my name, vegancat...stems from me being a vegan for many years (no meat, dairy, eggs, animal products). This is something that complicates my life everyday...from what to wear to what to eat at a restaurant or buy at the store, but I do it without a second thought because I am dedicated to animals. Anyway, this is just a sacrifice I make and my friends, even if they don't agree, admire it....it's like my "trademark". So now I'm suppose to say, "yeah....well, guess what? I'm actually very, very weak. I can't give up this thing that is going to KILL me....".

The thing is, it is so easy to pretend I DON'T have a problem....I'm a very high-functioning alcoholic. I never black out, I never throw-up, I drink at home so I rarely embarrass myself (it's just DH here, after all), I don't get hangovers, I LOOK damn healthy, my family doesn't suffer (we wait until our daughter is in bed to do our serious drinking). And so far, we've been able to keep up financially (but this is starting to change....the past couple of months have been really tight as far as money goes. I, of course, will only drink the expensive $8 a six pack beer).

Soooo....unleash your support and heal me ;o). Just kidding! I'm just looking for a STARTING point and to talk to people who know how I feel. The thought of never drinking again is pretty overwhelming.

triegger

Vegan,

I am Triegger, an alcoholic on day 6. I am real new at this and do not have lots of wisdom at recovery but I do know one thing. You dont have to worry about never drinking again, just concentrate on not drinking today. Take it hour by hour if you have to, but you can do it if you want to.

Also, check out the newbie forum. Lots of new people like me there struggling with this problem and lots of of people with more advice than I can offer to offer support.

Welcome to SR, its a great start.

My thoughts and prayers are with you,

Triegger

Peter

Your predicament is not an uncommon one.In fact I asked myself some of the same question you are asking now when I got sober six years ago.

The difference with you and I however is that alcohol by that time had already begun to take a heavy toll in my life.It had begun to affect my health, my work , finances , relationships.

I was desperate enough to try asking for help because for many years I tried to control my drinking with no success.It was a very humbling experience for me to walk into AA and admit I had a problem because I always thought of myself as fiercely independent.

Like you,I knew things were getting out of control long before I ended up in AA but alcohol had been so much a part of my life for longer than I could remember that I could not imagine what life could be like without it.

How could I socialize?
How do I destress after a hard day ?
How will I combat boredom and lonliness ?

This dilemma is something that affects many of us alcoholics.How do I let go of the thing that is hurting me and face the uncertainty?

There are people who have been known to stop drinking on their own when the reasons are strong enough.Fear of losing the things we love and care about can sometimes be a strong enough motivator for some people.You vegancat seem to be well aware of the threat that alcohol may pose to your well being.

I too suspected and saw the danger but lacked the willingness or conviction to want to stop.I opted instead to keep on trying to control my drinking even when my life was falling apart around me.

As difficult as it may sound right now,there is life without alcohol and many people on this forum can attest to that.

Time and patience will teach us that there are newer and better ways to socialize,destress and combat boredom and loneliness without alcohol.

Where once was a time when I could not imagine even a single day without alcohol the thought of taking a drink now does not even cross my mind.I can go to parties where people are falling down stoned around me and not be worried because today I understand that I cannot safely consume alcohol anymore.

With courage and willingness you too can stop.The relationship with your family is priceless and all the alcohol in the world could not be worth losing that.

Best of luck to you.

hockeychica

Vegancat-

I am not expert at this because I am only in day 2 of sobriety. I can't think of living without alcohol for the rest of my life. The only thing I can think of is living with out alcohol today and worry about tomorrow when it gets here. If I think in terms of forever, It would be very overwhelming. So I choose not to think that way.

I too com from a group of family and friends that enjoy drinking and hanging out on the weekends. I have yet to experience a weekend with all of them in that environment sober and I may choose not to put myself in that environment for a while until I have more sober days under my belt. My husband drinks as well. He is supportive of me wanting to "remain alcohol free for a while" (as he says, becasue he doesn't truely know what it is like to feel as though you can't live without alcohol.)

My husband and I have found other healthier thing to do recently. We both love to mountain bike and try to bike several times a week. We are going to see more movies (you can't drink at the movie theater) ect, ect. Try to find things you can do that don't involve drinking. That's what I am trying to do.

My husband respects the fact that I want to take better care of myself. I honestly don't think he believes that I will stay sober because he says things like "I think it's a good thing if you stop drinking for a while, that's cool!" He is just like your husband, he CAN just stop after a few beers, so he doesn't understand.

What I am trying to say is, think of not drinking in terms of a daily or hourly goal. Don't think to far in the future. You can do this. Come back to the boards as often as you like. We are all here to help support and listen to others. You'd be suprised at how much we all have in common.
-hockeychica

degadar

Hi Vegancat,

I remember well the dilemma I seemed to face - I had to tell friends and family I had stopped drinking for good - I'd already used up all the 'i'm on antibiotics' type excuses and everyone knows how much I liked a drink. What if I failed? and there's surely only one reason anyone quits altogether - and you're NOT allowed to be one of those in england - social no no.
Quite a few people thought I was joking and it would last a week at best - probably a day.

But I have done it. And listen to the voices when we tell you, you won't regret it. Alcohol doesn't make anyone funny, confident, or popular, it doesn't prop up marriages.

I couln't go to AA either. You will shine vegancat when you've done this. The drinkers out there respect us for achieving something they would love to be able to do. You will gain an inner peace and confidence that you can only dream about with a capital D if you're drinking.

Don't fear it Vegancat - stand shoulder to shoulder with the thousands and millions of people who, like you, have found a BETTER way of living.

ps. vegan is my next job so you'd better hang around here because I'm going to need recipes big style.

Deg.

vegancat

Woohoo....day two, hehe. Seems like nothing to the average joe; I've gone through several days without drinking before (hell....I went nine months when I was pregnant). But I feel different. Last night, DH came home from work and the first thing he said was, "I feel like drinking tonight...". Now, usually I would be taking that ball and running (like directly to our money jar to get him the cash to for a sixer for me and a pack of cigarettes, lol). But instead, through a show of tremendous strength (yeah....right; every cell in my body was ITCHING to say, HELL YEAH), I just said NO (thanks, Nancy Reagan). He had a 1/2 bottle of wine, so I convinced him to drink that. But the entire night I was thinking, in the back of my mind, that OF COURSE I was going to send him to the store after he finished his vino to get ME something. I even went and dug out my pack of cigs from my last binge and counted them to see if I had enough IF I was to drink (two cigs for every beer is my motto). BUT, I held fast!!!!! Instead, I sent him to the store for soy ice cream, lol (insert new addiction here). When he came home, he had bought another bottle of wine for HIM, with pissed me off (because I have all the self-righteousness of a born-again non drinker after one day) and led to a discussion (half joking, I HOPE) about just because *I'm* doing a lifestyle change doesn't mean HE has to. Hmmppfff.....I guess this will be something that will be coming up again and again. Joy.

So, anyway.....I got through yesterday and I REALLY did not think I would; I just assumed I would break down that one last time just as my little "farewell". So now I must get through the weekend.....since DH just had wine last night, I KNOW he is going to want to tie one on at least ONE night.

I started reading a book yesterday that I bought a long time ago called Sober For Good. It goes into the different ways reformed "problem drinkers" quit and what worked and didn't work (so it explores AA, but also alternatives, which I'm looking for)...the author interviewed like 225 people for the book. Anyway, I'm getting a lot out of it and stayed up way past my bedtime reading it. It is actually kind of making me excited to start a "new life", something I didn't expect.

But you know that little voice in the back of your mind that says this is only temporary....that you will get a handle on this problem and THEN you can have a beer? How do you SHUT IT UP???? It seems to get a lot of comfort by the "taking it day by day" notion....it says, "Oh, cool! Yeah, we can get through TODAY without a drink, no problem. And THEN maybe TOMORROW we can have one?". Although thinking I WILL NEVER DRINK AGAIN is overwhelming, trying to break it down to managable goals, I fear, is feeding into that false hope that I WILL drink again, kwim?

One other thing, while I'm rambling....I've quit smoking, too, since I can't smoke without drinking (also cuz it's unhealthy, blah, blah, blah). so I'm feeling this double loss....sigh.

Thanks for you guys that responded to my intitial post.....message boards, I've found, are the ONLY way I can open up to people. I LOVE them...writing is SO much easier than talking! And to be able to get support for this problem that has kept me so isolated is incredible. It is just damn comforting to be able to relate to other people and have them understand me. Thanks .

P.S. Degader, I can be your vegan mentor, lol.

Chy

Whoa! I had to make sure I didn't type that!!

Welcome to SR! You are in the right place and will find a great deal of support. The part of your 2 year old asking if mommy was going to have another beer sent chills up my spine. I know that feeling well! Unfortunatly, my daughter had to be witness 20 more years before I quit, and forutunatly my son now 13 years, has had a sober mom for a little over a year for the first time in his life.

I hope you will find a means of support, AA is what saved me, but there are many choices. I'm glad your here!

KelKel

Vegancat
I reflect those thoughts, exactly....

Quote:

Originally Posted by vegancat

Thanks for you guys that responded to my intitial post.....message boards, I've found, are the ONLY way I can open up to people. I LOVE them...writing is SO much easier than talking! And to be able to get support for this problem that has kept me so isolated is incredible. It is just damn comforting to be able to relate to other people and have them understand me. Thanks .

IMHomerSimpson

So....you bought a sobriety book "a long time ago"? Youve been feeling "this" for a while, huh? You are not alone with that feeling of wanting better,I feel it daily.Make a trip to a bookstore and buy some more books on alcoholism and/or recovery because I find myself reading quite often while sober(and Im no reader,just look at the pictures ).You have a couple of the toughest days behind you now so follow through with this.Walking around with a water bottle is cool now

vegancat

Ok...just to continue on my little journal here, lol; I just did something that is really huge for me. I told three people that I am very close to that I quit drinking. This is a big deal because 1) it makes me accountable for this decision....I can break every promise to myself about anything and it doesn't faze me, but if I tell someone ELSE something, I DO it because I do not want to be weak in their eyes. and 2) I've never admitted that I have this problem OUT LOUD to anyone before (well, here, of course, but that doesn't count). Oh, wait....DH and I got plastered a few times and laughed about how we are alcoholics....does THAT count, hehe?

So anyway....I received nothing but support from my friends (and hopefully they aren't gossiping behind my back!), so that was nice. And now I can think of the proverbial egg on my face as an additional incentive when I'm feeling not so strong.

And yeah....I need LOTS more books. LOTS more! Is it really cool to walk around with water when everyone else is drinking? Don't they just see you as a wet blanket, though?

IMHomerSimpson

wet blanket???? nah,they probably just thyink Youre doin ectasy or some other drug!! LOL

vegancat

Oh, yeah...that's true . I could always try to stagger or feign fascination with the beer stains on the rug....

Suckerpunched

I've always kind of admired the people that walk around with water bottles, not needing to drink to have fun, etc.....

Now I'm one of them!!!!