First post...unsure
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 2
First post...unsure
Hi everyone,
This is my first post. I'm struggling a bit right now. I decided to get sober over a year ago and went to AA. Got a sponsor, started doing the steps. I've had a few brief relapses since i decided to officially pursue sobriety over a year ago (they only lasted between one and three days each and nothing "bad" happened). I've come in and out of AA a few times, mostly due to issues with my sponsor/the program in general. My issue has been that I over-think and second-guess everything the program tells me.
Anyway, I guess I'm posting because this weekend I had another relapse (drinking and taking pills). I haven't been going to meetings and am wondering if I need to go back. I just don't want to repeat the same cycle again of going to AA and then stopping a few months later because I don't agree with something.
I'm also having trouble grasping the concept of an alcoholic. At first I was pretty sure it applied to me, but now I'm wondering if I just jumped the gun (I am 25 years old). Another issue is a lot of the problems I experienced with alcohol were related to the ways I would act in public settings. At the end of my regular drinking (before i decided to get sober) I would for the most part drink alone in my apartment where nothing bad could really happen. I've accepted that it's not a good idea for me to drink in social settings as I will likely embarrass and hate myself or get myself into a dangerous situation. I struggle with talking myself out of the occasional drinking session when alone, however.
A final issue is that I believe my life has improved drastically since I began pursuing sobriety (feeling physically better, clearer thinking, feeling more 'normal' and like a part of society again). You would think that would make continuing to pursue sobriety a no-brainer...but I always heard in AA that if your life gets worse when you stop drinking you know you're an alcoholic. So I guess it all boils down to wondering am I an alcoholic? Or just a former 'problem drinker?'
Apologies if this post is all over the place. I hope it makes at least a little sense to someone! I know that no one can tell me if I am or am not alcoholic but just wondering if anyone can relate or has feedback. Thanks!
This is my first post. I'm struggling a bit right now. I decided to get sober over a year ago and went to AA. Got a sponsor, started doing the steps. I've had a few brief relapses since i decided to officially pursue sobriety over a year ago (they only lasted between one and three days each and nothing "bad" happened). I've come in and out of AA a few times, mostly due to issues with my sponsor/the program in general. My issue has been that I over-think and second-guess everything the program tells me.
Anyway, I guess I'm posting because this weekend I had another relapse (drinking and taking pills). I haven't been going to meetings and am wondering if I need to go back. I just don't want to repeat the same cycle again of going to AA and then stopping a few months later because I don't agree with something.
I'm also having trouble grasping the concept of an alcoholic. At first I was pretty sure it applied to me, but now I'm wondering if I just jumped the gun (I am 25 years old). Another issue is a lot of the problems I experienced with alcohol were related to the ways I would act in public settings. At the end of my regular drinking (before i decided to get sober) I would for the most part drink alone in my apartment where nothing bad could really happen. I've accepted that it's not a good idea for me to drink in social settings as I will likely embarrass and hate myself or get myself into a dangerous situation. I struggle with talking myself out of the occasional drinking session when alone, however.
A final issue is that I believe my life has improved drastically since I began pursuing sobriety (feeling physically better, clearer thinking, feeling more 'normal' and like a part of society again). You would think that would make continuing to pursue sobriety a no-brainer...but I always heard in AA that if your life gets worse when you stop drinking you know you're an alcoholic. So I guess it all boils down to wondering am I an alcoholic? Or just a former 'problem drinker?'
Apologies if this post is all over the place. I hope it makes at least a little sense to someone! I know that no one can tell me if I am or am not alcoholic but just wondering if anyone can relate or has feedback. Thanks!
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
AA has worked just fine for a multitude of people and is unchanged in over 70 years. In how it works it says, "The results were nil until we let go absolutely." I think you have found that the results have been nil because you have not surrendered and still want to do it you way. Maybe AA is not for you because if you can not accept the program what is the point. The mind that created the problem is unlikely to be the mind that fixes it.
I'm not sure what you being 25 has to do with you being an alcoholic so I can not comment other than to say I know multiple people in there 20's that are full blown alcoholics and addicts.
In terms of being an alcoholic only you can determine that but there are multiple things in your post that normal drinkers do not do.
I am an AAer but ask for other input on other ways to achieve sorbriety.
Welcome and keep posting
I'm not sure what you being 25 has to do with you being an alcoholic so I can not comment other than to say I know multiple people in there 20's that are full blown alcoholics and addicts.
In terms of being an alcoholic only you can determine that but there are multiple things in your post that normal drinkers do not do.
I am an AAer but ask for other input on other ways to achieve sorbriety.
Welcome and keep posting
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: NY
Posts: 190
I relate a lot to what you're saying as I feel like I've been in the same boat. I've been going to AA since the end of November of last year and have a sponsor and home group. I've had a few relapses since then but, like you, having the clear-headedness and feeling better physically is amazing.
Like you, I also found myself with disagreeing with what AA had to say in some areas. One example of a recent relapse I had, I had intense anger towards my active alcoholic father, and I finally snapped and drank because "I'll show him!!". I heard people talk about resentments in AA and just dusted it off and didn't agree that anything needed to be done. I could be pissed and still satisfied! Lol.
In the Big Book, I also just got the chance to read with my sponsor, and it was told to me that resentments are poison to alcoholics and cause us to go back out and drink. Through my recent slip, I found that what I had read was true. My way of handling it didn't work. I found that, they don't talk about resentments the way do in order to be saints(I thought this originally). They do so to help save lives based on their experience. It helped me to change how I viewed all of this.
Didn't mean to ramble on. I guess my point is, I can relate. It may take some experience and time in order to change your thoughts on what you're disagreeing with. Maybe stick with it? I know there are other ways of getting sober as well. Other mention AVRT and rational recovery, as well as counseling.
Like you, I also found myself with disagreeing with what AA had to say in some areas. One example of a recent relapse I had, I had intense anger towards my active alcoholic father, and I finally snapped and drank because "I'll show him!!". I heard people talk about resentments in AA and just dusted it off and didn't agree that anything needed to be done. I could be pissed and still satisfied! Lol.
In the Big Book, I also just got the chance to read with my sponsor, and it was told to me that resentments are poison to alcoholics and cause us to go back out and drink. Through my recent slip, I found that what I had read was true. My way of handling it didn't work. I found that, they don't talk about resentments the way do in order to be saints(I thought this originally). They do so to help save lives based on their experience. It helped me to change how I viewed all of this.
Didn't mean to ramble on. I guess my point is, I can relate. It may take some experience and time in order to change your thoughts on what you're disagreeing with. Maybe stick with it? I know there are other ways of getting sober as well. Other mention AVRT and rational recovery, as well as counseling.
pray for strength
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: New England
Posts: 2,414
It sounds to me as if you are asking if you can drink alcohol, but only if you do so alone, because all of your problems occurred while drinking alcohol with other people.
If you are putting more time into critiquing your sobriety program than determining why the answer to the above question should be 'no' then you might consider an alternative program.
Keep posting and reading as much as you can. It really helps clarify a lot of murky things.
If you are putting more time into critiquing your sobriety program than determining why the answer to the above question should be 'no' then you might consider an alternative program.
Keep posting and reading as much as you can. It really helps clarify a lot of murky things.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Mid-Atlantic USA
Posts: 2,441
Your life gets worse when you stop drinking? An AA member may have said that, but I'm almost positive that concept has never been mentioned in any AA literature.
From what you've written it seems you still have lurking notions that you can control you're drinking. If you really do have a drinking problem, you will have to accept that you have to quit forever. Can you make that decision?
From what you've written it seems you still have lurking notions that you can control you're drinking. If you really do have a drinking problem, you will have to accept that you have to quit forever. Can you make that decision?
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
a lot of the problems I experienced with alcohol were related to the ways I would act in public settings. At the end of my regular drinking (before i decided to get sober) I would for the most part drink alone in my apartment where nothing bad could really happen. I've accepted that it's not a good idea for me to drink in social settings as I will likely embarrass and hate myself or get myself into a dangerous situation. I struggle with talking myself out of the occasional drinking session when alone, however.
IMO this is what your post is about. In public your drinking gets out of control, and you do things you regret. For you to stop drinking in those settings is not so difficult. It’s the drinking when you are home alone that’s the hard part. It’s hard to stop because you like it, and it has not had severe consequences…. Yet. IMO it will. I think you wish to call yourself a hard drinker because you seem to think that somehow this will make your solitary drinking ok. Will it?
I remember the sort of mental gymnastics I used to do to “justify” my drinking. Some of us are better at it than others, and still others were more willing to believe the absurd. I was both. I think that’s where the whole self-honesty thing comes in.
Sorry, I don't wish to come off as harsh, but that's honestly how I see it.
I truly hope something unsafe or unpleasant does not happen, but I fear it may be just a matter of time. It was for me.
IMO this is what your post is about. In public your drinking gets out of control, and you do things you regret. For you to stop drinking in those settings is not so difficult. It’s the drinking when you are home alone that’s the hard part. It’s hard to stop because you like it, and it has not had severe consequences…. Yet. IMO it will. I think you wish to call yourself a hard drinker because you seem to think that somehow this will make your solitary drinking ok. Will it?
I remember the sort of mental gymnastics I used to do to “justify” my drinking. Some of us are better at it than others, and still others were more willing to believe the absurd. I was both. I think that’s where the whole self-honesty thing comes in.
Sorry, I don't wish to come off as harsh, but that's honestly how I see it.
I truly hope something unsafe or unpleasant does not happen, but I fear it may be just a matter of time. It was for me.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Engerland
Posts: 897
AA is a tough call for some alcoholics. They asked me to 'set aside old ideas' have a 'willingness to change' and introduced me to a 'plan for living that works'.
What!!!! Brain washing? Couldn't do it my way? They knew better......?
I was not swallowing that so kept doing it my way.
Stayed drunk, an outsider and lost everything in my life of value and substance.
Now i have set aside many of my own old ideas and willingly accept that they simply didn't work.
Sober and well today and enjoying life.....
Love my meetings and the peace that applying the principles can bring me.
Rebuilding my life and self with a 'washed brain'. And boy, the crap that came out of the old one ..........
Keep an open mind and maybe it will work for you.
Best wishes.
G
What!!!! Brain washing? Couldn't do it my way? They knew better......?
I was not swallowing that so kept doing it my way.
Stayed drunk, an outsider and lost everything in my life of value and substance.
Now i have set aside many of my own old ideas and willingly accept that they simply didn't work.
Sober and well today and enjoying life.....
Love my meetings and the peace that applying the principles can bring me.
Rebuilding my life and self with a 'washed brain'. And boy, the crap that came out of the old one ..........
Keep an open mind and maybe it will work for you.
Best wishes.
G
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Hi landslide - welcome
I think a lot of drinkers end up drinking at home. Less chance of embarrassing stuff happening that way.
It's actually a step further along in the progression of alcoholism, in my experience anyway.
If AA's not for you, are you open to other programmes? Sounds to me like you need to do *something*?
D
I think a lot of drinkers end up drinking at home. Less chance of embarrassing stuff happening that way.
It's actually a step further along in the progression of alcoholism, in my experience anyway.
If AA's not for you, are you open to other programmes? Sounds to me like you need to do *something*?
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
HI.
“I'm also having trouble grasping the concept of an alcoholic.”
For me instead of complicating it with rationalizations and self dishonesty I finally decided I’m an alcoholic because I can NOT drink alcohol in safety. That’s the end of my argument and it came with surrender and acceptance.
BE WELL
“I'm also having trouble grasping the concept of an alcoholic.”
For me instead of complicating it with rationalizations and self dishonesty I finally decided I’m an alcoholic because I can NOT drink alcohol in safety. That’s the end of my argument and it came with surrender and acceptance.
BE WELL
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Welcome to Sober Recovery. I hope you can committ to recovery, whichever program you decide on.
You relapsed this past weekend. There is no "former" about it. You've struggled over a year to be sober. You have a problem. With not drinking. Call it whatever you want. But once you decide what to call yourself, accept it and work on solving it.
Originally Posted by landslide 
...but I always heard in AA that if your life gets worse when you stop drinking you know you're an alcoholic. So I guess it all boils down to wondering am I an alcoholic? Or just a former 'problem drinker?'
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 341
My problems with drinking is always in a public setting also, I drink alone 95% of the time and, for the most part, nobody would even know I'm drinking, unless they see me pour it.
When I'm out with others, without fail, drinks are brought to me and I just don't have the ability to say no!
I know for a fact that I am an alcoholic because 1 drink always leads to 'too many', I have no off switch once I start. At home I only have a certain amount in the house.
If you can't stop when you know you should, that I think is a huge red flag.
When I'm out with others, without fail, drinks are brought to me and I just don't have the ability to say no!
I know for a fact that I am an alcoholic because 1 drink always leads to 'too many', I have no off switch once I start. At home I only have a certain amount in the house.
If you can't stop when you know you should, that I think is a huge red flag.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Originally Posted by landslide
but I always heard in AA that if your life gets worse when you stop drinking you know you're an alcoholic.
Sounds like you did experience improvement. If AA alone is not enough for you but you still benefited some, why not experiment with a bunch of other methods and maybe find a combination and/or adjust a program to make it more suitable / helpful for you?
Also, it may not be too useful to continue wondering whether the term "alcoholic" describes you or not. If alcohol caused a problem for you, then it's a problem. You don't need to wait until it progresses to really debilitating levels.
Welcome to SR!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: West Tn
Posts: 3,043
Landslide -
I think that the answer to your quandry as to whether you are an alcoholic is in your post.
My life doesn't include having to sequester myself and worry about how I may act in public.
It certainly used to, but not today.
Hang around here, amigo.
Best.
I think that the answer to your quandry as to whether you are an alcoholic is in your post.
My life doesn't include having to sequester myself and worry about how I may act in public.
It certainly used to, but not today.
Hang around here, amigo.
Best.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 322
AA doesn't work for everyone. Check out SMART and AVRT. Also remember that the AA program isn't carved in stone. Write your own interpretations of the steps if you need to. Use a sponsor or not. Take from it what works for you. What are you second guessing about it?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Vashon WA
Posts: 1,035
When I was a drunk I hated AA Big Book thumping BS. I still have never gotten around to going to a meeting but my opinion of it has changed 100%. I have been sober for almost three years. I wish I would have started when I was 25 instead of 46. It would have saved me a lot of hangovers and wasted time. Thinking about the nature of alcoholism ranks right up there with "how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop" for us drunks in terms of usefulness. Just don't drink and the rest will take care of itself. It gets better.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Apache Junction, AZ
Posts: 111
I can relate to gaffo, as I'm 45 and the progressive nature of my alcoholism took me further and further into madness as the years rolled on and I kept drinking more and more.
If certain aspects of AA make you uncomfortable, just remember one of their motto's is "the only requirement for membership is to stop drinking." You don't have any other obligation than that. I have to tune out some things people say or do because in the end, they're only human, like me (plus alcoholic). None of us are perfect and have all the answers and no one in AA does either. So take the good with you and leave the bad where it belongs.
I also want to add, if I had known when I was 26 what I know now and had been able to nip the drink in the bud, I could have saved myself and a lot of other people a lot of heartache.
If certain aspects of AA make you uncomfortable, just remember one of their motto's is "the only requirement for membership is to stop drinking." You don't have any other obligation than that. I have to tune out some things people say or do because in the end, they're only human, like me (plus alcoholic). None of us are perfect and have all the answers and no one in AA does either. So take the good with you and leave the bad where it belongs.
I also want to add, if I had known when I was 26 what I know now and had been able to nip the drink in the bud, I could have saved myself and a lot of other people a lot of heartache.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 3,805
Originally Posted by haennie
Also, it may not be too useful to continue wondering whether the term "alcoholic" describes you or not. If alcohol caused a problem for you, then it's a problem. You don't need to wait until it progresses to really debilitating levels.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
