Struggle to understand
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
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Struggle to understand
I am usually on the friends and family forum however lately I have questions about how individuals with addictions think and behave. So just wanted some advice.
My AH left 2 months ago he wants to be on his own and drink when he wants. He is really struggling at the minute his mood is low but he states drinking helps him feel better as it blocks everything out. I know that he isn't experiencing the long periods of low depression after he continued drinking the next day when he was at home but that is because he's not at home and doesn't need to apologise and worry whether I will leave him. Prior to him leaving he would have continued drinking the next day regardless of any responsibilities to me his kids or his family however since he left he has been able to maintain his responsibilities to his family he won't drink the next day as the last time his mother was not impressed and gave him the rounds of the kitchen (he is currently living there) he is also caring for his dying uncle although that could continue for months. His family don't say anything to him about his drinking and when his mum was angry that time it was about how he had caused more stress to her and his uncle. I don't know how he will be when he moves into his new place and he doesn't have to consider anyone.
Anyway since he left with the exception of that one time just after he left he has not let them down. Although he is drinking more regularly he isn't waking up the next morning Nd continuing to drink. Yet he said how one of the reasons he left is because he can't keep letting me down and hurting me. So why is he able to not let his mum and uncle down but it's a different story when it comes to me and the kids?? I don't understand how he keeps some of his responsibilities and not others. It is thoughts like this that make me think he left because I made him unhappy and not so he can drink??
Your thoughts into his thinking and actions are very much appreciated
My AH left 2 months ago he wants to be on his own and drink when he wants. He is really struggling at the minute his mood is low but he states drinking helps him feel better as it blocks everything out. I know that he isn't experiencing the long periods of low depression after he continued drinking the next day when he was at home but that is because he's not at home and doesn't need to apologise and worry whether I will leave him. Prior to him leaving he would have continued drinking the next day regardless of any responsibilities to me his kids or his family however since he left he has been able to maintain his responsibilities to his family he won't drink the next day as the last time his mother was not impressed and gave him the rounds of the kitchen (he is currently living there) he is also caring for his dying uncle although that could continue for months. His family don't say anything to him about his drinking and when his mum was angry that time it was about how he had caused more stress to her and his uncle. I don't know how he will be when he moves into his new place and he doesn't have to consider anyone.
Anyway since he left with the exception of that one time just after he left he has not let them down. Although he is drinking more regularly he isn't waking up the next morning Nd continuing to drink. Yet he said how one of the reasons he left is because he can't keep letting me down and hurting me. So why is he able to not let his mum and uncle down but it's a different story when it comes to me and the kids?? I don't understand how he keeps some of his responsibilities and not others. It is thoughts like this that make me think he left because I made him unhappy and not so he can drink??
Your thoughts into his thinking and actions are very much appreciated
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
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Hi. I think that part of being an active alcoholic is that we are undisciplined AND not clear headed. Also most of our thinking when drinking is not being very honest with ourselves regarding our real situation. I think it's called delusional.
BE WELL
BE WELL
Baby Steps
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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But why can he ensure that his drinking doesn't affect some responsibilities but not his responsibilities to his wife and kids. Is it that he can now drink when he wants when living with his mum so maybe doesn't feel the need to continue drinking the next day. He would have said at times that when he drank he drank so much as he never knew when he would be able to have another drink. I know he's not in a good place states he doesn't want to think about things he just has to get on with it
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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I mentioned on your other thread about addiction being a very selfish thing.
I would use the word "functioning alcoholic" to describe my addiction, without fail I would have gotten to work in the morning, fuelling my alcohol addiction depended on earning a wage and stopping by the liquor store every day on the way home, I then drank myself into oblivion each night.
However if someone had of said do you want to go visit friends or do something at the weekend, I'd have probably said no, I had my week mapped out and I wasn't going to detour away from my plan to facilitate my drinking.
In other words everything that subtly fuelled my addiction, my attempts to look normal with a job, earning a wage to buy alcohol, those things all were top of the priority list to maintain it, though things such as household chores etc were put off for weeks, sitting and blacking out on my sofa, in my head, was more important.
Honestly I wouldn't worry or annoy yourself too much thinking and puzzling over the whys of your husband's behaviour or decisions, the mind of an addict sometimes only makes sense to the addict.
I would use the word "functioning alcoholic" to describe my addiction, without fail I would have gotten to work in the morning, fuelling my alcohol addiction depended on earning a wage and stopping by the liquor store every day on the way home, I then drank myself into oblivion each night.
However if someone had of said do you want to go visit friends or do something at the weekend, I'd have probably said no, I had my week mapped out and I wasn't going to detour away from my plan to facilitate my drinking.
In other words everything that subtly fuelled my addiction, my attempts to look normal with a job, earning a wage to buy alcohol, those things all were top of the priority list to maintain it, though things such as household chores etc were put off for weeks, sitting and blacking out on my sofa, in my head, was more important.
Honestly I wouldn't worry or annoy yourself too much thinking and puzzling over the whys of your husband's behaviour or decisions, the mind of an addict sometimes only makes sense to the addict.
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if it were me, i'd be doing it to get away from feelings of extreme guilt and shame, of which your mere presence would be a constant reminder. your mere presence would let me know i failed at being who i "should" be. yes; definitely i'd always know i was letting you down, in a very different way from mom and uncle, since those relationships are different.
it's not about you.
it's not about you.
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Thanks fini. Is that why he won't see me? He keeps saying he's ok I know he's not but he is also refusing to talk or think about anything. He says he just has to get on with it. He says drinking makes him feel better as it blocks everything out.
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Originally Posted by Confused39 
I don't want to give up on him I love him and want to help him through this but he won't let me
I know it's incredibly hard to watch someone you love self destruct. I wish there was a magic wand you could wave and make them want to change.
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Join Date: May 2014
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You can't help him until he chooses to stop drinking. Addiction is selfish. In my opinion that is the reason he left, but it's no excuse. He is choosing alcohol over parenting. You can't make someone do the right thing. You need to think about yourself and what you want from life. Focus your energy on your kids and your emotional health. Think about how long you're willing to wait for him to choose recovery.
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Originally Posted by BackToSquareOne
I know it's incredibly hard to watch someone you love self destruct. I wish there was a magic wand you could wave and make them want to change.
Or one we could wave over ourselves ,
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Join Date: May 2012
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Is that why he won't see me?
confused,
if it were me, i'd not be seeing you because i need to protect my drinking.
it sounds awful, i know, but the truth for me was that my drinking came first.
since he can drink when he's other places but drinking around you isn't too cool (understatement) even if you say nothing, he can't "enjoy" it.
you're not okay with him doing it and he knows that, but more importantly HE's not willing to put up with his own stuff around it, of which you are a constant reminder.
that's if it were me.
if you're not a drunk, you'll not be able to understand, really, that drinking is number one priority and whatever interferes gets gotten rid of, if possible. it's the nature of addiction that free choice is impaired, is my experience.
he won't "let you" help because he doesn't want to stop.
if you want to help someone, help yourself and your kids. put that good energy into looking after yourself so you can be there for them.
your husband may or may not choose to quit, but you have choices here now.
it's also my experience that it's possible to quit and stay that way, but that's his to come to or not.
take care of yourself and your kids so that you guys have a decent life.
confused,
if it were me, i'd not be seeing you because i need to protect my drinking.
it sounds awful, i know, but the truth for me was that my drinking came first.
since he can drink when he's other places but drinking around you isn't too cool (understatement) even if you say nothing, he can't "enjoy" it.
you're not okay with him doing it and he knows that, but more importantly HE's not willing to put up with his own stuff around it, of which you are a constant reminder.
that's if it were me.
if you're not a drunk, you'll not be able to understand, really, that drinking is number one priority and whatever interferes gets gotten rid of, if possible. it's the nature of addiction that free choice is impaired, is my experience.
he won't "let you" help because he doesn't want to stop.
if you want to help someone, help yourself and your kids. put that good energy into looking after yourself so you can be there for them.
your husband may or may not choose to quit, but you have choices here now.
it's also my experience that it's possible to quit and stay that way, but that's his to come to or not.
take care of yourself and your kids so that you guys have a decent life.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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Thank you fini. I have noticed that he hasn't drank the next day after having a load the night before is that because he can drink as often as he wants now he is living with his mum and doesn't have that feeling of not knowing when he can have another drink?
He has also said that he isn't experiencing the same guilt and periods of low depression after he drank or continued to drink the next day. It was following a day of continued drinking that he would have felt so guilty and been very depressed he would have been so remorseful saying he will do anything to make it up to me and would get help. It was at these times he appeared so determined to seek help but would always talk himself round to being able to manage himself after about a week! Is he not experiencing the guilt and periods of depression after drinking because he's not at home and views his drinking isn't impacting on me anymore?
I am reading a lot about addiction but it's still early days and there are questions books can't answer
He has also said that he isn't experiencing the same guilt and periods of low depression after he drank or continued to drink the next day. It was following a day of continued drinking that he would have felt so guilty and been very depressed he would have been so remorseful saying he will do anything to make it up to me and would get help. It was at these times he appeared so determined to seek help but would always talk himself round to being able to manage himself after about a week! Is he not experiencing the guilt and periods of depression after drinking because he's not at home and views his drinking isn't impacting on me anymore?
I am reading a lot about addiction but it's still early days and there are questions books can't answer
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
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you know, confused, i can't really KNOW why he does as he does, or doesn't do what he doesn't do. i cannot explain him to you, really. there are similarities because of the condition, but most certainly he's an individual and i'm someone else.
not trying to brush you off, but i really would encourage you to put that questioning and energy into figuring out what YOU are going to do next, what's going on with YOU in all this mess and how to take care of yourself and the kids so that there's not more damage.
yes, there are questions books can't answer, for sure. and i, for one , cannot sufficiently well "explain" even my own behaviour while being an active drunk, never mind guess at someone's motives or feelings who i don't know.
i hope you've checked out the friends and family section here and there would be people there better understanding the place you're in.
not trying to brush you off, but i really would encourage you to put that questioning and energy into figuring out what YOU are going to do next, what's going on with YOU in all this mess and how to take care of yourself and the kids so that there's not more damage.
yes, there are questions books can't answer, for sure. and i, for one , cannot sufficiently well "explain" even my own behaviour while being an active drunk, never mind guess at someone's motives or feelings who i don't know.
i hope you've checked out the friends and family section here and there would be people there better understanding the place you're in.
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