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Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
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First of all I have to say I have been reading this thread for a while now and I commend all of you who are seeking support to stop drinking trying to stay sober and those who are at the beginning of their journey to recovery!
I am not an alcoholic but my husband is and he left a month ago to be "able to do what he wants when he wants" in other words drink! What I am trying to understand is why would someone walk out on their family to drink? He's not ready to seek help and views that he doesn't have a problem with drinking. Just before he left he told me that he constantly lets me down and hurts me which he did with his drinking he would drink to the point where he passed out and the next day would sometimes continue drinking. He would then be so remorseful and promise me he would get help and I was the most important person in the world but within a week or two he would have himself talked round to he could. manage a few drinks and didn't need help. The roller coaster would begin again!
Friends would say that he manipulated me so I wouldn't leave but I hate to think that my husband would do that. I have read so much and I am confused.
This is why I decided to post on this thread and ask those who have personal experience what alcohol did to them and their thinking
Can anyone help me please?
I am not an alcoholic but my husband is and he left a month ago to be "able to do what he wants when he wants" in other words drink! What I am trying to understand is why would someone walk out on their family to drink? He's not ready to seek help and views that he doesn't have a problem with drinking. Just before he left he told me that he constantly lets me down and hurts me which he did with his drinking he would drink to the point where he passed out and the next day would sometimes continue drinking. He would then be so remorseful and promise me he would get help and I was the most important person in the world but within a week or two he would have himself talked round to he could. manage a few drinks and didn't need help. The roller coaster would begin again!
Friends would say that he manipulated me so I wouldn't leave but I hate to think that my husband would do that. I have read so much and I am confused.
This is why I decided to post on this thread and ask those who have personal experience what alcohol did to them and their thinking
Can anyone help me please?
Redmayne
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Manchester, England, UK.
Posts: 1,543
Delusional...
I'd first of all recommend you read the book 'Alcoholics Anonymous', obtainable through the A.A. General Service Office...
Paying particular attention to the chapters titled,'The Doctor's Opinion' and Chapter 3 ,'More About Alcoholism' together with the rest of the first 164 pages and those chapters that contain the Personal Stories.
Which, as it was written by the first 100 people to get sober, will give you a clear, unbiased opinion to the answer to your question and much more...
From a personal point of view, in what is no a prolonged (six years) period of sobriety. I now realize that I can think cognitively (truth and reason) enhanced by the fact that I now look for credibility in all people, including myself and things...
In my drinking days these abilities, no longer existed....emphasizing the fact that alcoholism bankrupts you physically, mentally and spirituality. Anyone in that condition is bound to have their ability to think rationally very limited ...
Not for nothing is alcoholism known as a disease/illness of ignorance, both in the alcoholic and those surrounding him/her...
I hope this helps you...
Paying particular attention to the chapters titled,'The Doctor's Opinion' and Chapter 3 ,'More About Alcoholism' together with the rest of the first 164 pages and those chapters that contain the Personal Stories.
Which, as it was written by the first 100 people to get sober, will give you a clear, unbiased opinion to the answer to your question and much more...
From a personal point of view, in what is no a prolonged (six years) period of sobriety. I now realize that I can think cognitively (truth and reason) enhanced by the fact that I now look for credibility in all people, including myself and things...
In my drinking days these abilities, no longer existed....emphasizing the fact that alcoholism bankrupts you physically, mentally and spirituality. Anyone in that condition is bound to have their ability to think rationally very limited ...
Not for nothing is alcoholism known as a disease/illness of ignorance, both in the alcoholic and those surrounding him/her...
I hope this helps you...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi and welcome to a place most don't want to be. Red is quite correct in the explanation concerning the analysis of the alcoholic thinking process.
Be aware that only the alcoholic can get themselves sober or drunk. attending Al Anon meetings will help YOU learn about alcoholism and repair along with helping your life. On this forum, at the top of this page, Friends and Family of Alcoholics is another tool for helping you to understand this disease.
BE WELL
Be aware that only the alcoholic can get themselves sober or drunk. attending Al Anon meetings will help YOU learn about alcoholism and repair along with helping your life. On this forum, at the top of this page, Friends and Family of Alcoholics is another tool for helping you to understand this disease.
BE WELL
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Confused, the thing about being an alcoholic is that nothing gets in the way of needing that drink. Can alcoholics change? Yes, through abstinence, with very few exceptions, but they vary greatly on what it takes to initiate the change.
For me, it was a growing realisation that I was getting worse, and it had to stop. I've also known people who've died before reaching that point. Your husband hasn't reached his low point and even losing his family isn't enough. He can't imagine his life without alcohol. That's alcoholism for you.
For me, it was a growing realisation that I was getting worse, and it had to stop. I've also known people who've died before reaching that point. Your husband hasn't reached his low point and even losing his family isn't enough. He can't imagine his life without alcohol. That's alcoholism for you.
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Hi Confused,
The answer is very simple.
An addict (doesn't matter what the drink or drug of choice is) will put their addiction ahead of everything else in their life. Nothing is more important to them than that. They lose sight of all reason and if they begin to have thoughts about what they're doing those thoughts are easily silenced by more using. It's not that they don't see the pain that they're causing or what they're doing to themselves, it's that they won't allow themselves to see it. Allowing that would mean they would have to be accountable for their actions and do something about it. It's much easier to just stay in denial and use.
Until the addict is willing to take the necessary steps there's nothing that you can do. No amount of reasoning, bargaining, or niceness will work. They have to figure it out for themselves.
It's a true sickness and there's nothing you can do short of supporting him if he gets serious about getting sober. You already know that his proclaiming to leave so he doesn't hurt you anymore is a big bag of bs. He left so that he could drink as much as he wants and have no accountability. That's an addict for you too, we will invent excuses and do anything we need to do in order to use.
How do you know when an addict is lying? When their lips are moving.
In the meantime, take care of you. You can't fix him.
The answer is very simple.
An addict (doesn't matter what the drink or drug of choice is) will put their addiction ahead of everything else in their life. Nothing is more important to them than that. They lose sight of all reason and if they begin to have thoughts about what they're doing those thoughts are easily silenced by more using. It's not that they don't see the pain that they're causing or what they're doing to themselves, it's that they won't allow themselves to see it. Allowing that would mean they would have to be accountable for their actions and do something about it. It's much easier to just stay in denial and use.
Until the addict is willing to take the necessary steps there's nothing that you can do. No amount of reasoning, bargaining, or niceness will work. They have to figure it out for themselves.
It's a true sickness and there's nothing you can do short of supporting him if he gets serious about getting sober. You already know that his proclaiming to leave so he doesn't hurt you anymore is a big bag of bs. He left so that he could drink as much as he wants and have no accountability. That's an addict for you too, we will invent excuses and do anything we need to do in order to use.
How do you know when an addict is lying? When their lips are moving.
In the meantime, take care of you. You can't fix him.
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
People say that I shouldn't have any contact with him until he's serious about becoming sober but I worry about him and still feel that I should be helping him? He says he wants to be friends and spend time together as a family is this his way of keeping me on side it feels as though he wants to be with me when he wants then go to his own place and drink when he wants without having to change or seek help. Is this him wanting the best of both worlds?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Originally Posted by Confused39 
People say that I shouldn't have any contact with him until he's serious about becoming sober but I worry about him and still feel that I should be helping him? He says he wants to be friends and spend time together as a family is this his way of keeping me on side it feels as though he wants to be with me when he wants then go to his own place and drink when he wants without having to change or seek help. Is this him wanting the best of both worlds?
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Originally Posted by Confused39
People say that I shouldn't have any contact with him until he's serious about becoming sober but I worry about him and still feel that I should be helping him? He says he wants to be friends and spend time together as a family is this his way of keeping me on side it feels as though he wants to be with me when he wants then go to his own place and drink when he wants without having to change or seek help. Is this him wanting the best of both worlds?
If you really need to see him, be honest with yourself that it's for your own needs, not to help him. I'm not saying that's wrong, it's been a horrible time for you, and you want to think he still loves you. But whatever love he has, he loves his addiction more.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Originally Posted by Confused39
First of all I have to say I have been reading this thread for a while now and I commend all of you who are seeking support to stop drinking trying to stay sober and those who are at the beginning of their journey to recovery!
I am not an alcoholic but my husband is and he left a month ago to be "able to do what he wants when he wants" in other words drink! What I am trying to understand is why would someone walk out on their family to drink? He's not ready to seek help and views that he doesn't have a problem with drinking. Just before he left he told me that he constantly lets me down and hurts me which he did with his drinking he would drink to the point where he passed out and the next day would sometimes continue drinking. He would then be so remorseful and promise me he would get help and I was the most important person in the world but within a week or two he would have himself talked round to he could. manage a few drinks and didn't need help. The roller coaster would begin again!
Friends would say that he manipulated me so I wouldn't leave but I hate to think that my husband would do that. I have read so much and I am confused.
This is why I decided to post on this thread and ask those who have personal experience what alcohol did to them and their thinking
Can anyone help me please?
I am not an alcoholic but my husband is and he left a month ago to be "able to do what he wants when he wants" in other words drink! What I am trying to understand is why would someone walk out on their family to drink? He's not ready to seek help and views that he doesn't have a problem with drinking. Just before he left he told me that he constantly lets me down and hurts me which he did with his drinking he would drink to the point where he passed out and the next day would sometimes continue drinking. He would then be so remorseful and promise me he would get help and I was the most important person in the world but within a week or two he would have himself talked round to he could. manage a few drinks and didn't need help. The roller coaster would begin again!
Friends would say that he manipulated me so I wouldn't leave but I hate to think that my husband would do that. I have read so much and I am confused.
This is why I decided to post on this thread and ask those who have personal experience what alcohol did to them and their thinking
Can anyone help me please?
I know the husband, he doesn't want help at the moment. his wife and children have left for the second time. He is unable to stay sober for more than a few days. What's wrong with him?
He is suffering from an obsession of the mind rooted in extreme self centredness. His alcoholic life is the only normal one. He can't understand why you or anyone else wouldn't want to drink like he does. He thinks its his only pleasure, that people want to deny him that. He wants to be left alone to drink, but also, when it suits, he wants to be part of his family.
But if it comes to a choice, the booze will win because that is the one area where he has no choice. He is probably as baffled as you are. On the inside he will be wondering what is going wrong. He wants things to be better, he wants to do the right thing but seems totally unable to carry it off. He will look for external things to blame, his work, his wife his parents, who knows. He will begin to drive people away, he may lose his job, but hopefully, he will reach a point where there is nothing left to blame but himself. Then he may realise he has a problem, and then he may be willing to accept help.
This is the situation across the road which I know quite well, as I am involved in trying to help. It is probably similar for your husband.
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