freetosmile

I'm putting this in the alcoholic forum because I don't know what the hell to do anymore. My husband and I are both getting sober. Me from pills and him from alcohol.

we are in marriage counseling and are trying hard to stay together.

Last night he wanted to drink so bad. He drove by the liquor store a couple times and told me, "I really want a beer." I didn't know what else to say, so I just said "I know." He didn't end up stopping and we left town to go home.

The whole way home he was really crabby. So I just left him alone. Then when we laid down to go to sleep, he unloaded on me. Every name in the book kind of thing, he was going to leave me, how could I be such a ***** (he is very sure that I am being unfaithful....I get accused on a regular basis), and the list goes on.

I'm happy he didn't drink, but I'm still getting the same treatment. And I'm still the one to blame, and I'm still and I quote "the reason our marriage is failing".

Damn I love this man, and I love our family, but what the hell do I even say to this? I'm scared, I'm hurt, I'm just so close to being done. I am tired of crying and losing sleep. I am tired of bearing the brunt of his ********. I know I'm not perfect, but I don't behave in this way and I don't know how to protect myself and still be there for him.....

I hate life right now. I'm trying to stay sober too. Everything is gray. No color, no hope. I feel washed up and worn down.
I just can't do this anymore

resolute50

How far along are you both in sobriety?
It is not all that uncommon to have anger and negative thoughts.
But, it's not right for him to be jumping all over your case if he's struggling.

I did a lot of Bitching when I first quit. But,never focused my anger on my wife.
You need to tell him that you're proud of him quitting. But,you're not going to stand by and be a punching bag either.

abcowboy

Good morning freetosmile! You didn't say how long you've both been in recovery, not that it should matter, your hubby doesn't have the right to blame you for his addictions. I was in the same shoes, blamed my wife for everything, including my drinking. How she stayed by my side through all those years, God only knows! I don't like using the term "dry drunk" but I understand what it means, my first week or two of sobriety (80 days sober today) I was blaming her for having to quit drinking, now how stupid is that!! It's finally starting to sink in that I have only myself to blame, and the old AV voice will put all kinds of thoughts in your head, giving you all sorts of reasons to pick up again.... Does he go to AA or any other support group? It really helped me to understand what my drinking was doing to me and those around me. The small achievement was he didn't drink, and you stayed away from the pills! Hopefully today will be a better day for you.......

freetosmile

Oh not far at all....day 3 for him and beer and day 2 for me and pills.
I did tell him I was proud and he got pissed...*sigh*
I guess I don't know how much of this is the withdrawal or if his behavior really is just going to remain abusive and destructive. Where the hell do I draw the line?
And I'm pissed because I'm still trying to stay sober too! What the hell does he think? that this is just a walk in the park for me? ugh...

freetosmile

Yes he is in AA. Is there right now actually.... and I am very proud of him. I just need some rest from all the ups and downs. I'm tempted to throw in the towel, but I love him and don't want to give up.

RobbyRobot

Often times when drinking and drugging "friends" (husband and wife too) who used together also quit together they early discover how addiction ambivalence plays havoc with their co-dependency. Seeking permission of otherwise companionship in misery is a classic addictive thinking play. Blaming and guilt tripping are all part of that play too.

I suggest you guys come to terms with the real-time process of ambivalence you each are having ie -- wanting to use and not wanting to use all in the same moments -- so as to not personalise the process against each other.

Google "addiction ambivalence" and see if an appreciation of this classic process in early sobriety gives you both some breathing room.

Congrats to you both!

gaffo

Good news/bad news

Good news:It will get better. Odd moments of serenity here and there eventually lead to a much better life. You have to have faith and claw through the bad times. I needed music, candy, coffee, tea, exercise and more patience than I ever thought I had.

Bad news:it takes a while. Also, you're pretty much on your own. You can't quit for someone else and they can't quit for you. Grouchiness abounds. The crazy mood swings from recovery didn't really go away for over a year.

Stay strong. It will be worth it.

Stoogy

Withdrawal is a monster at times, but you both have to be there for each other in the initial weeks more so than ever, it's good to vent frustrations but constructively. My wife knew what I was going through which helped when I was moody etc. well done so far and be strong you can do this. All the best.

FeelingGreat

Hi FTS, congratulations on your 2 days. He was feeling full of rage because he couldn't drink and you were the convenient punching bag. Even the most angry person is capable of controlling their rage so please don't think he's helpless.
I suggest you draw some boundaries about what you'll accept. One would be you won't listen to abusive rants. The best thing to do is walk away. Can you set up a bed in another room? If he rants at you at other times you could go for a drive, or sit in another room. You could say something like 'I know you're angry but that doesn't give you the right to abuse me' then leave the room. Hopefully he'll get the message.

deeker

I believe He just wants you to feel like you are the reason he needs a drink. Cuz he wants to drink and doesn't want to be responsible for that decision. So he can drink and then say you caused him to drink.


Have either of you thought about going to meetings. Seperate meetings.

freetosmile

Yes, he started AA this week and has gone every day. We live in a smaller town, so I chose to join this forum instead of a meeting. I'm more of a cyber butterfly anyhow, so this fits me well.

He told me that he finally spoke at AA today and that he is scared I will get impatient with him and "find something better." I have reassured him that I'm not going anywhere.
He told me once that if he felt like a piece of crap then he sure as hell didn't want me walking around with my "head held high"....so I am wondering .......... I guess I'm wondering if alcoholism and spousal abuse are common. Will he move beyond this as sobriety becomes the "norm"? Or am I looking at a potentially abusive thing here? I'm the type of person who will continually see the best in people and cut them endless amounts of slack, but it's unhealthy to the point I end up being the doormat.
I don't know what is the alcoholism and what is abuse, or is it both?

matt4x4

Attending meetings without working the program does not work. Best to get some help from other members. It really doesnt matter if one is popping pills, shooting heroin, snorting cocaine, doing acid, drinking. Sure one will bring you down faster and deeper then another, but its all the same in the end.

zjw

I can relate to him. I was terrified my wife woudl walk. I was a friggen mess. I dont think i directed my anger at her but I know i was an A-bomb all the time for a good long while after I got sober.

The anger manifests in different ways for diff people I suppose. Even if his anger was not directed at you I'd imagine you'd be able to cut the tension in the house with a knife.

Now combine you having to tolerate this from him and you having to cope on your own with your own set of withdrawels and yes you have a difficult road ahead.

That being said It will ease up. It will get better. I'm almost 3 years sober now and I'm probably still not the happiest person in the world nor will i ever be. I was also far far far more miserable back when i quit. When I drank i was angry too but the booze numbed me and kept me calm. It medicated me.

When we sober up we have to figure out how to cope and function in life. And In my case I had no idea where to begin.

What he's dealing with and what your dealing with is pretty par for the course. Hang in there its a bumpy ride but its very worth it.

freetosmile

Thanks a million, this has boosted my spirits. Husband informed me that he is going to get a sponsor and he is doing the 90 meetings in 90 days. I am glad for him, and will continue to focus my energies on my own addiction. Thanks all!

Anna

I can only offer my opinion.

I could not have stayed sober in an abusive situation such as yours. I would never have made it if I had listened to venom like that. There is no reason to stay in an abusive relationship.

I don't know how old your children are, but I grew up in a house like that. The late-night name-calling was absolutely terrifying. It scared me to death as a child. I suppose my parents didn't think I was awake or didn't care, but I can still hear the horrible things they said to each other.

deeker

Gosh I don't know, never been abused thank God.

abcowboy

Hi Anna and freetosmile, Anna, you give me more inspiration that I can hope for, but I have to disagree with you here......my wife, Bubba, has stood by me all these years praying that I would get sober, and now, 80 days later, I know I couldn't have done it without her! She is the sole reason I am sober today, never give up she told me, smeday you'll understand, and I understand now...... I know that it won't work for everyone, but give love a chance, your's or God's, or both