angstfull

Today is day 42 for me of sobriety. This evening was also the first social event I've attended since quitting where booze was flowing. This group of friends is not aware of my sobriety but are also not inclined to do anything further than offer a glass of whatever and if you say no, that's that and no further questions.

Hubbie started attending Al-Anon meetings several weeks ago and is reading every book he can get his hands on. I'm supportive but it has become clear to him and me that he has a major case of co-dependency which I don't do well with and is a friction point. I've had relatives that were alcoholics as I was a teenager and I am very very aware that sobriety is up to the alcoholic in the end. Hubbie has made it very clear that one relapse and I will be thrown out so I am very motivated to say the least. We've discussed this and the whole concept of wanting to control an alcoholic but you really can't concept which I "thought" he got but if he does has a LONG way to implement.

I knew hubbie would be watching me carefully. I also had two other family members (who do know my situation) with me attending this gathering. That said friend offered hubbie a beer and he told him "No thank you I'm not drinking and neither is she." This while good intended nearly sent me off the edge in anger. Talk about taking over and making darned sure he had control of the situation. I can't be trusted to be a grown up even though I have the possibility of losing my child if I relapse. I said nothing, kept my Diet Coke in hand all evening, and seethed. No doubt I'm over-reacting but this controlling stuff, in subtle ways is a huge problem for me.

Do I say something to him about the incident and if so what? Or do I just suck it up as the price of my sobriety?

Thanks all.

Dee74

I understand why sometimes our loved ones want to take the reins for us...and their reasons are well intentioned, usually.

But you're right - this is your recovery and it will stand or fall with you - noone else.

If it annoys you it's probably best to talk to him about it, I think, angstfull.

Music

He's probably been doing this for some time while you were still drinking. For him, it's what he does. I suggest talking to your sponsor, but for sure, you both need counseling as a couple. The "if you drink youre out" attitude bothers me. He doesn't see this as control. Sometimes the non-alcoholic has bigger problems than the alcoholic. Be patient.

Music

I attended Al-anon for almost a year when my wife came to AA. One of the first things I learned was not to give ultimatums. They tend to backfire.

GroundhogDay

I don't like the ultimatum either. It's a negative influence. On the positive side, he cares enough to read books and support you, so he must want to stay married. I would think that would give you some leverage in negotiating a better relationship.

CodeJob

Groundhog Day, love your name!

In year 19 of my marriage I could no longer detach from the latest crisis my AH's drinking had brought upon him. His addiction progressed thru those 19 years. That is a lot of days for me to become a little diamond of codependency. Same nagging, same promises or rebuttals, same elephant in the room, but the addiction just kept on keeping on. Kind of like the movie, "Groundhog Day." So for me, I do have relapse and we are done as my boundary. I did my time being patient and empathetic pre-rehab. I cannot go back to that repetitive life day after day again.

We trigger each other something awful because we have 20 years of marriage history with ACOA and Codie traits. I am working on it, but again like the movie - I might manage to keep my mouth shut but then another embedded reaction might trigger the same Codie result. I am trying to undo a lifetime of living responses just as much as my RAH is trying to learn to live sober. The funny thing is my RAH does not seem to relate to himself as ACOA or Codie - so when he acts from these roles - I can try to stop my reaction but I cannot use this shorthand to try to point out this range of behaviors to him. We are so much alike that maybe we are soul mates in the worst way!

Your partner should not speak on your behalf. Do speak to your husband bc this sort of seething could warp your head into drinking again. Congrats on 42 days Angst full!

GreenEggsAndHam

He needs to let your recovery be your own path and to be working the steps himself. I had someone go to Al-Anon to learn how to deal with and solve "my" problem, but I learned that he had no interest in working the steps, having his own sponsor (though he wanted to talk to mine!) or looking at his own behavior and defects and bettering himself. Anyway, just throwing that out there as some people attend al-anon for the wrong (IMO) reasons.

This is a good short read:
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/what-...l-anon-meeting

angstfull

Thanks all for your responses. Finding somebody to talk to at 10pm on a Saturday night isn't the easiest thing and I appreciate your willingness to be an outlet. Currently I am in an IOP (intensive outpatient program) and start week five tomorrow. I also started with a therapist last week for my issues. Marriage counselor we have been seeing for over a year, aware of all the alcohol stuff (didn't call me on it when I should have been for months because he was afraid I'd stop therapy with him), recovered himself, needs to be replaced with somebody new. This guy has send Linkedin invites to me (I think this is inappropriate as anything) and I have a rather dim view of him for that and a host of other reasons. Simply haven't had the energy to go find somebody else though with this weekends fun I think I need to step up the priority to search. Probably going to consult my individual therapist tomorrow in fact. I have not attended AA meetings yet due to time constraints but fully expect to as the I.O.P winds down and I get into long term "maintenance mode."

My hubbie is committed to Al Anon, plans on attending twice a week as I "step down" to twice a week with my IOP program. I applaud him but beginning to learn all about your issues and then implementing change in your behavior is a whole other story. He's not there yet and yep, sorry to say Music you may well be right "Sometimes the non-alcoholic has bigger problems than the alcoholic. Be patient."

I have no intentions of falling into finding an excuse to relapse so no worries there. I've read the Al-Anon books, read the venting that goes on by family members. I have many faults but one I won't do is go blame somebody else or look to somebody else for an excuse to do things that are wrong. I am a bit frustrated (okay a LOT!!!!) that hubbie is now got into the mode of frustrations I vent as "its okay I understand this is your alcoholic talking not you." Now it appears that any negative thing I say can now simply be dismissed. GRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!

That said thanks for listening to me. May look for an AA meeting to attend tonight since group therapy tomorrow seems a long time away right now. This patience thing is hard! No worries though... relapse is not tempting me, wanting to scream at my husband is. We have an elementary aged daughter however and refuse to have heated conversations in front of her.

Happy Sunday and again, thank you for listening to me whine and complain.