alphaomega

I get you. I thought I loved it too.

Until I didn't anymore. Because it was beating the tar out of me.

My whole world centered around when I was going to get my next buzz. And by the end , I just wanted out of the cyclical prison that I couldn't break free from. I didn't even get buzzed anymore. I just went black. And then had the withdrawal reprocussions to deal with.

For what ?

A few hours out of my head ? Jesus Lord, those few hours I would have to pay back over the next 5 days.

Seems like a pretty awful return on your investment no ?

Then came the anxiety, the brain zaps, the involuntary muscle twitches, the numbness and tingling in my extremities, Pins and meedles in my hands and feet, eye twitches, the nausea, vomting, gastritis, heart palps, the dizziness, high blood pressure, auditory hallucinations, weight gain, the shakes, the disoirientation, the off balance, and on and on and on.

But I did think I loved it as well. All of us thought that at one point or another.

Until it started to kill us.

matrac

Sometimes, you don't fully realize what drinking has done to your life and your relationships until you stop. I think you have to plan for when you stop drinking...what will you do with your time? who will you talk with? try something new...things like that

Keep your eyes open to possibilities and Good Luck!

Sudz No More

You need to surrender to it, forget about it and begin to heal. Focusing anger towards it only keeps it in the front of your mind. Push it to the back and render any thoughts obsolete. Then you will have a chance.

Dee74

I hated the consequences. I hated the life drinking left me with....but the key for me was acceptance, really, not hatred.

I needed to accept that alcohol and I had a toxic relationship.

As long as you have rosy nostalgic ideas about alcohol and what you think/hope it can do for you, you're making a hard road to follow.

Re-read all your old posts Doug. Remember the reality.

D

freshstart57

Fighting cravings is a mug's game. But fortunately you have options - you are not stuck with this fight, you can choose to handle it differently. You have the choice in how you view this, and you might consider setting up for success instead.

1newcreation

I don't hate alc; I agree that I loved the buzz, comradarie but HATED the consequences!!! That was my rock bottom & now I'm surprised when I wake up that I don't hate myself, suicidal etc. Is evthg rosy around me? No but it is getting better day by day & wouldn't trade it for shots of whiskey @ all

Hevyn

I loved it and the fun it once was - I couldn't imagine letting go of it for good. So I waited until I hated it. By that time it had brought me to my knees. It never needed to get to that point - wish I'd stopped when I knew it was starting to control me.

Wastinglife

Many of the best times of my life specifically revolved around alcohol, be it college, vacations, weddings, birthdays etc. But then the worst times of my life stated happening that also specifically involved alcohol. Lost relationships and jobs, jail cells, DUI, being evicted and broke, getting into fights with friends and family. It stopped providing happy memories and now it just brings misery...

myheartaches

How is it possible to be normal under the influence of a mind altering drug that impacts cognitive and physical functioning and destroys every organ in the body?

Do "normal drinkers" really exist? I think most people get hooked, even just to a small degree, on the buzz, the ability to escape and lose control, the only people who are not hooked on alcohol even just a little bit are those who do not consume it.

I thought I loved alcohol too, but I seriously doubt that now.

caboblanco

i even like the ritual of it...like if I got a nice bottle of buorban..then my favorite glass..go sit out back..with my sandals..i think addicts like the rituals as much as the substance sometimes

Dee74

Sometimes I think it's a lot like an abusive ex partner.

if anyone said to me 'I miss sitting on the deck with him/her', or 'I miss the carefree days' or 'the closness' or whatever....I'd remind them of the regular beatings their 'lover' helped administer to them.

It wasn't a great love affair.

D

EndGameNYC

When I started my relapse, I gave much greater weight to what alcohol had done for me rather than what it had done to me.

myheartaches

Yes, I agree, ritual is part of it for sure. The whole idea of a cold beer after work, or that nice bottle of wine with dinner....it's a romanticized version of the lifestyle of alcohol consumption that makes the ritual seem appealing.

jdooner

If you believe you are missing out on something then you are going to want it more. Human psyche is to want what we can't have - not sure why but that seems to be my experience. So feeling like you can't have something is going to increase the thoughts that may build into an obsession. When I am in a bar, I try and focus on the fact that I am choosing not to have a drink.

BTW - I don't frequent bars often but when I am with friends that are drinking or want to drink they now gladly accept my designated driver status and I can enjoy the music and discussions sober.

EndGameNYC

This is actually a healthy thing and carries with it survival value. Very often the things that we need to better ourselves -- food, shelter, companionship, safety, procreation, even love -- fall into the category of things that we imagine we "can't have" or cannot live without.

What seems designed as a process of tending to our actual needs too often becomes distorted, to the extent that we believe we need things -- often in unlimited quantities -- that are unnecessary for our happiness and well being, and in many cases, are harmful. An exaggerated need for things that don't directly address our need for growth and change is typically driven by extreme and largely unconscious fear of deprivation or, alternatively, a distorted need to have more than others in order to simply feel good about ourselves, or even survive.

Perhaps the most maladaptive -- and obvious -- flaw in this pursuit is that we can never truly be satisfied, leaving us feeling evermore empty and frustrated.

Deckard

"Love" and "hate" are emotions I no longer think of as appropriate to attach to an inanimate chemical.

I'm done with alcohol. I don't love or hate it. I just try to live in such a way that it no longer appears on the radar screen.

EndGameNYC

Well said.

Harboring hatred towards a person, organization, idea or thing belies a deep, emotional attachment to the hated object, an attachment that typically leaves us vulnerable to experience repeated suffering.

This is only one reason why forgiveness is such a crucial part of both staying sober and living sanely.