geminigirl89

I have struggled the past year with my addiction and at many times was actually fearful for my life. But the bottle still wins but I don't want to let it anymore. I'd say I've been a heavy drinker for a few years now but this past year it really escalated. I have almost lost my job which I really love due to day drinking. I always think I can handle it and that nobody knows and that I'm being incredibly sneaky. But twice my boss has told me that I smell like alcohol no matter how much spray or gum I use. I'm so ashamed I keep the alcohol in water bottles to disguise (I'm a vodka drinker). I've tried many times to quit but it gets worse every time. Last night was my rock bottom. Drinking a pint of vodka within a three hour span. I never make good decisions when I drink. I always drink by myself. I went to an AA meeting once but I couldn't do it. It wasn't for me.I'm hoping these forums can help me. I'm 25 years old and have a 1 year old daughter I'm afraid of losing. I have gained over 80 pounds due to all the extra drinking and I just feel awful. When I do have sober days I feel amazing and so energetic, but that lasts briefly vefore the alcoholic mind of mine says "hey you feel gopd why not have a drink to top it off" and the whole cycle starts again. I just want my old self again, be the best mother I can be, and be successful in my career. I can do any of this anymore.

If anyone has good tips on staying sober I'd appreciate it. I don't get bad withdrawls just tired and irritable but they go away after a few days. I'm going to try to go to the gym every day after work and break my routine. Which is go home and drink till I pass out. Hell, I feel so ashamed I'd sometimes watch intervention when I drink and think at least I'm not that bad, but I am. I've been in denial all this time thinking I can continue this lifestyle but I know I cant.

Jade1224

Sent you a private message! You sound like me when I was 22...

KateL

Sounds like me too xxxxxx

geminigirl89

Jade, I saw that but I can't pm till i have 5 posts or something :/

matt4x4

I need to win the lottery!!!!!!!!

If you think you are fooling people, you are not. Vodka stinks, its not an odourless drink at all as many believe it is. We have all played the exact same games you are now playing at age 25. We thought the exact same thoughts as you do now. Its good to get into the program earlier, but perhaps you want to try some more controlled drinking. Maybe moderate the drinking. Those techniques never work. Maybe you havent hit your rock bottom yet, as every alcoholic has to in order to recover and become recovered. You can always dig deeper. There is a way out, there are many programs out there. have you tried each and every one of them? I know of one program that has a very high success rate. Just going to one or two AA meetings doesnt cut it. Buy a Big Book, read it, understand it, get a sponsor with some sobreity time under their belt and start to work the steps. You arent working no step by just going to a meeting, its not a social club, its a program of action.

robgt350

hay i had many of your same thoughts and history.
i was a big time vodka drinker and i showed up to work many times smelling like a bottle. i was warned once.
you should not feel ashamed now, i say that cause you want to stop drinking, and with that, you should feel proud of your self.
try coming here to the chat room and talk to people in real time to get support, helps, advice and generally not alone. i was a solo drinker too and i could not be alone and if i was alone i would drink. but after i stoped i came here to chat and it really helped me so much. i would come here 4 or 5 or 6 even 7 times a day. it worked so far...
i have been 16 months sober.

Dee74

hi geminigirl

I really believe you get out of your recovery what you put into it.

That meant for me, getting sober, making some pretty big changes in my life to make sure I stayed sober, and finding the right kind of support to help keep me sober.

Your daughter deserves a sober mom.

A good start is working out what you're prepared to do to stay sober?
D

aaronraguse

Your story is so similar to me, im 25 have a daughter on the way, have been going through this hell for a few years, i always have the same mindset if i have had a day off i feel great but turn to the drink everytime. .

Good luck u can do it

aaronraguse

When im having a day thats tempting i always watch this.... And i dont drink.

Drugged - High On Alcohol - YouTube

geminigirl89

Thank you for the replies and support. I cannot do moderation. I drink to get drunk and don't stop till I do, my tolerance is high so I drink much more than the average woman to achieve that I'm learning to find new ways to de-stress myself. Just keeping my mind off it and focusing on my true happiness.

geminigirl89

Thanks Aaron I Will watch it

matt4x4

I looked at that movie for the first little bit. I laughed at first when I saw how he jugged the vodka pint then drink his pop then puke it all up. Then I thought it was a fake show. Then I became sad, knowing thats exactly what I did.

I thought the # was more like 20% (1 in 5) of the population. But even still that # is still very high. Why is that I ask myself, is it because its a legal drug you can buy at any corner store

Climber122

Hi Gemini,

I don't know your medical insurance situation or if you are able to get out of the house, but would it be possible for you to seek out a drug and alcohol counselor who could help you determine what kind of plan will work for recovery for you? One shoe does not fit all in recovery, but we can all certainly identify with your pain. It sounds as if you are willing to quit, and have good motivation to be sober both for you and your daughter.

From what you explained, trying to go it on your own results in your usually if not always choosing drinking. Anyone who has an addiction issue understands this conflict of desires. Just know you're not a bad person and that there are ways to stay sober, and maybe by meeting with a counselor you could help find one that does seem to fit for you. Just reaching out to meet with someone else and talk about it will be concrete action you can take that will help to shine a light on the problem. It could be a real first step towards recovery.

Jfanagle

I read your opening statement with interest. You describe almost a state of panic, certainly one of high anxiety about almost every phase of your life. Job, family, physical appearance and your ability to use good judgment when drunk.

All of this is not going to resolve itself nor will a quick fix miraculously present itself. The anonymity of typing about your plight on a keyboard will focus your problems perhaps, but believe me, this alcoholism stuff is a nasty old dog. You indicated that you went to AA once and it wasn't for you. I wouldn't need a telephone booth (dating myself) to accommodate all the people who LIKED AA when they first went, myself included. In fact I have been sober more than half your life and still would rather go to a movie than an AA meeting. However, my life was quickly dissolving several years back and I went out of desperation. I attended daily back then because I was terrified of what my life had become and I had all sorts of fantastic material things, but I could see that I was ultimately going to lose them.

I don't care if you go to AA or not quite frankly, there are other ways to get sober, I don't have first hand experience with them but others do. Why I am writing is that I have a 33 year old son who has a fantastic life that got sober at 19 with AA. If he hadn't suffered through those stupid meetings and all the strange people who attend them I seriously doubt he would be alive today.

If worrying about the problems that alcoholism creates in our lives was enough then the cure rate would be about 99%. I hate to see a young person destroy their life because they want to find a solution to the problem they "like". It is hard as hell to get sober, but very much worth it if you value your life.

Good luck and feel free to ignore an old man, but I do hope you will be willing to do the work necessary.

Jon

geminigirl89

So far this is day 2 with no drink the urge is there but I clean the house play with my daughter drink water and get my mind off it and shortly after the urge goes away. I know it's only two days but it's a start. And I am trying my own way and if it fails I know I need to do something else.

Sasha4

Do what you can to keep busy.
The more sober days you have the easier it gets. I really do promise you that.

I have just passed 2 years without a drink.
The first month I stopped I had to work at it.
Every night I had to occupy myself.
I did anything and everything - cleaned, had long baths, got junk together for car boot sales, went shopping, went for a drive, the cinema.

It worked as well. I can hand on heart now say it would seem strange to sit and drink on a night time like I used to.

I can't do moderation either.
I don't listen to those voices that say 'just one drink will not hurt' or 'you cannot have a problem, you have managed a whole week/month/six months without drinking'.

I also don't see the point of one drink.
I would only want another. Then another. If I don't take that first drink, then I cannot get drunk.

I wish you the best xx

neferkamichael

Geminigirl89, , to SR, and I thank you for the thread, it'll help me stay sober. I'm reading about what I did for almost twice as long as you have been alive, it's like playing the tape all the way through again. Yea, if the boss is smelling alcohol on your breath and it is unacceptable for you drink at work, and you like your job, then it's probably time you do something about it. I wish I had done so at your age, and I hope you do. Rootin for ya.

least

Welcome to the family and well done on two days sober. That's a good start on a better sober life.

nicole100

geminigirl - I can definitely relate to your situation in many ways. I gained 60 pounds from drinking...and it also caused me to make many, many. many poor decisions.

I'm so glad you are here--SR is a godsend!

It is great that you are going to the gym. That has helped me tremendously for the 5+ weeks I have been sober. I also go on 5 mile walks a couple nights during the week. It really takes your mind off drinking and makes you feel good at the same time.

If you haven't already, you should speak to your Primary care doctor to help with detoxing, etc.

wishing you the best!

-Nicole

hollybear

good job on making it through day 2 I have a child as well... we have to be strong for them. You can do it!