Not drinking socially
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Florham Park, nj
Posts: 85
Not drinking socially
Hi All, I have a question that may sound repetitive but could use some healthy rational advice. Starting again on the sober route but find it increasingly difficult when I am with someone socially. Specifically DATING.
What do you do when you are out with a man and he takes you to a real nice venue and orders a bottle of wine? Say no thanks? How do you do that without coming out and saying "why"...which I do not wish to share as non-alchoholics will not appreicate anyway. '
I had one date that took me to a byob..had 2 bottles (white and red) in car and as I was getting out of car politely said I am not drinking but thanks anyway. Feel free to have some yourself if you like. He really looked at me funny. Took only one glass and put it away. I felt sooo bad.
Now I had another date with someone new..took me to a rest. and he ordered a glass. I simply said diet coke please and he asked me why I didn't want a glass. I said I was on a "clean out"...kinda like "training". Oh my gosh, he went on to say well one or two shouldn't matter. And then, get this...he asked .."your not one of those double AA people are you"???????
REally, it shouldn't matter what people think but can't help but feel allittle guilty turning down a social one or two. I just know if I start I feel defeated in my attempt to get sober.
Any advice how to have my mind, reactions be? Thanks so much!
What do you do when you are out with a man and he takes you to a real nice venue and orders a bottle of wine? Say no thanks? How do you do that without coming out and saying "why"...which I do not wish to share as non-alchoholics will not appreicate anyway. '
I had one date that took me to a byob..had 2 bottles (white and red) in car and as I was getting out of car politely said I am not drinking but thanks anyway. Feel free to have some yourself if you like. He really looked at me funny. Took only one glass and put it away. I felt sooo bad.
Now I had another date with someone new..took me to a rest. and he ordered a glass. I simply said diet coke please and he asked me why I didn't want a glass. I said I was on a "clean out"...kinda like "training". Oh my gosh, he went on to say well one or two shouldn't matter. And then, get this...he asked .."your not one of those double AA people are you"???????
REally, it shouldn't matter what people think but can't help but feel allittle guilty turning down a social one or two. I just know if I start I feel defeated in my attempt to get sober.
Any advice how to have my mind, reactions be? Thanks so much!
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Stick to your guns if drinking has ever been a problem for you it could quickly become one again.
You don't have to tell anyone why you don't drink. But, do you really want to be involved with someone who drinks? You know most first dates people are on their very best behavior. If their best behavior includes drinking what is their worst?
You don't have to tell anyone why you don't drink. But, do you really want to be involved with someone who drinks? You know most first dates people are on their very best behavior. If their best behavior includes drinking what is their worst?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: California
Posts: 233
You say 'No thanks, I don't drink.' Why? 'Because I don't like the way it makes me feel.' Thats it. If he persists you say. 'Really, no kidding, I don't drink, but you go ahead.' If that doesn't do it then you learned a cheap lesson. Remember, we have the problem, normal drinkers are sometimes insensetive to the fact that others cant handle liquour.
Paused
Join Date: May 2004
Location: my cloud called sobriety
Posts: 26
I like Niner's advice because that is what I plan to do. I'm a single 27 year old and thought the same thing. Then I remembered when I my disease was active, how I knew quite a few people who say, "nah, I don't drink. I don't like it."
I think that most people find this to be acceptable. I always did, even though it was always baffling. Imagine! Someone who doesn't drink!
But, more and more, I'm coming to recognize people who don't drink and never really have---they are far less outcasted than I was at the end of my activity. I think it won't look so strange that I'm one of "those" people now too.
I think that most people find this to be acceptable. I always did, even though it was always baffling. Imagine! Someone who doesn't drink!
But, more and more, I'm coming to recognize people who don't drink and never really have---they are far less outcasted than I was at the end of my activity. I think it won't look so strange that I'm one of "those" people now too.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,513
Hi Bradley,
It is an awkward situation to be in, but it's not because you're not drinking - it's because of the assumptions that others make, i.e. that everyone drinks. I've always had a bit of an attitude when people try to make me do something I don't want to. Sometimes someone will try to push a dessert on you or a coffee in the evening when I don't want caffeine. Just remember you don't owe anyone an explanation. Early on I would make up something like 'I'm taking antibiotics' or whatever and I ended up feeling so badly about myself for lying about something so stupid, so I stopped offering any explanation.
Love, Anna
It is an awkward situation to be in, but it's not because you're not drinking - it's because of the assumptions that others make, i.e. that everyone drinks. I've always had a bit of an attitude when people try to make me do something I don't want to. Sometimes someone will try to push a dessert on you or a coffee in the evening when I don't want caffeine. Just remember you don't owe anyone an explanation. Early on I would make up something like 'I'm taking antibiotics' or whatever and I ended up feeling so badly about myself for lying about something so stupid, so I stopped offering any explanation.
Love, Anna
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Florham Park, nj
Posts: 85
Thanks all for your advice. I hate it when people try to make you feel guilty for what I consider my God given right to "choose". I also don't like caffeine and sometimes feel people pushing that on you.
I have just been amazed at the few folk's I have met thus far how opinionated they are on drink or no drink? Who the heck cares.
From what I gather some men feel that they can't drink unless you do..kinda like, you have a glass of wine then I will. It's the "socially acceptable" thing to do to drink together.
I have just been amazed at the few folk's I have met thus far how opinionated they are on drink or no drink? Who the heck cares.
From what I gather some men feel that they can't drink unless you do..kinda like, you have a glass of wine then I will. It's the "socially acceptable" thing to do to drink together.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,709
What I find truly unacceptable is people that don't take no thank you for a valid answer. Nothing frosts my socks off more. It can bring out the 
in me! If I'm feeling charitable, I'll answer their inevitable Why not? with I don't drink anymore. . If that doesn't put an end to it, it's their funeral 
in me! If I'm feeling charitable, I'll answer their inevitable Why not? with I don't drink anymore. . If that doesn't put an end to it, it's their funeral 
Dan!!
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Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Florham Park, nj
Posts: 85
Dan, lol!!!!!!! I agree! And how rude is it when someone says things like "you aren't one of those double A's are you? or ..I had one man say to me last year after he went on and on about being on some FAD diet for 4 months and he couldn't eat this or that..sat in front of me on our first date and got a "salad"...yet, had the balls to comment after I said I am on a "alchohol break"..to condesendingly say..."why, you don't get DRUNK do you"? What an ass. I never said squat about his diet and could care less. But he had to pick apart MY choice.
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
Posts: 5,862
Ditto to all of the above, except the funeral part! 
..gotta watch Dan. But I know what your feeling. We let those guilites get to us don't we? We don't like to hurt peoples feelings and cause curiosity? But the more practice you get at it, the easier it will become to let those feelings of guilt go. Just remain honest without revealing what your not comfortable in revealing..now as for the guy who said "your not one of those AA people"... WELL THE NERVE!! *LOL*.. right then and there that would of told me he's not worthy of my attentions as he is so opinionated and has pre-concieved notions.
Sounds to me like your handling it just fine!!
..gotta watch Dan. But I know what your feeling. We let those guilites get to us don't we? We don't like to hurt peoples feelings and cause curiosity? But the more practice you get at it, the easier it will become to let those feelings of guilt go. Just remain honest without revealing what your not comfortable in revealing..now as for the guy who said "your not one of those AA people"... WELL THE NERVE!! *LOL*.. right then and there that would of told me he's not worthy of my attentions as he is so opinionated and has pre-concieved notions.Sounds to me like your handling it just fine!!
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Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Florham Park, nj
Posts: 85
Chy, I was abit shocked but this is the 3rd guy that has made what I consider insensitive and HUGE foot in mouth. It defies common "politeness". It's like sayint to a heavy set woman.."your not pregnant are you". Not knowing my reasons for saying no thanks SHOULD be enough for some people to just leave it at that. Turns out I DO have an issue with alchhol but just made me see this guy as an idiot let alone "ignorant".
I'll say one more thing...one guy I actually broke down and told I believe I had a problem..he is just a friend..and we were sharing personal stuff one day...and he looked right at me and said "no you don't"? You just need to manage your drinks better.
Amazing. Now he knows me better than I do?
I'll say one more thing...one guy I actually broke down and told I believe I had a problem..he is just a friend..and we were sharing personal stuff one day...and he looked right at me and said "no you don't"? You just need to manage your drinks better.
Amazing. Now he knows me better than I do?
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Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Zion, Illinois
Posts: 3,411
What's the real motive??
Most guys I knew who tried to get their dates to take a few drinks were interested in what would happen when their date got drunk.
If I ever drink again, it won't be because someone wanted me to drink. It won't be because I felt guilty about someone wanting me to drink and it wono't be because I was afraid to tell someone, "I just don't drink." It'll be bacause I want to drink, pure and simple.
If I ever drink again, it won't be because someone wanted me to drink. It won't be because I felt guilty about someone wanting me to drink and it wono't be because I was afraid to tell someone, "I just don't drink." It'll be bacause I want to drink, pure and simple.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Under The Stars
Posts: 47
Bradley, I can relate somewhat! I'm struggling to gain control of my drinking, since I've been hanging around this board, I'm actually managing! Unfortunately, I live in a neighborhood fulll of drinkers! Beer and Wine is "community" around here, everyone's garage fridge is fully stocked and everyone helps themeselves depending on who's home we are at, tosses beers out to everyone in the crowd, etc... I used to love that we were the "party" house back when I didn't have as much of a problem with alcohol, now it's turned on me, temptation all around me! At first when I refused to drink, my neighbors teased me, told me I was no fun, I used to be such a fun neighbor now they have to move, etc...... I finally had a heart to heart and explained that I have a drinking problem! I found the truth set me free! I haven't given up drinking completely, however, I'm down from a bottle of wine and a 6 pack a night to 3 to 5 beers a night, maybe 3 to 4 times a week compared to every single day! Perfect? Not by a long shot but I find taking baby steps decreasing my drinking is working for me as opposed to going cold turkey! I should mention I weigh appx. 110 pounds, you can just imagine how drunk I used to get every night! It's become a "fun joke" now when I turn drinks down between all of us, it's nice to know I'm not looked down on or laughed at, rather, because they are trully my friends, they understand and not pressure me! That's the kind of guy you want!!
Kind of a funny memory for me, a few years back, prior to my raging alcoholic days, I was newly pregnant with our son, my husband and I were at black tie affair, the waiter must have asked me at least 6 times if I was SURE I wouldn't like a glass of wine, I finally became so annoyed with him I leaned over and whispered in his ear "I'm a recovering alcoholic" just as a joke! Boy did that statment come back to haunt me! But hey, he stopped asking me if I would like a glass of wine!
Kind of a funny memory for me, a few years back, prior to my raging alcoholic days, I was newly pregnant with our son, my husband and I were at black tie affair, the waiter must have asked me at least 6 times if I was SURE I wouldn't like a glass of wine, I finally became so annoyed with him I leaned over and whispered in his ear "I'm a recovering alcoholic" just as a joke! Boy did that statment come back to haunt me! But hey, he stopped asking me if I would like a glass of wine!
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Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Florham Park, nj
Posts: 85
Suckerpunched, thank you for sharing. How funny what you did to that waiter. I can totally relate to THAT too....I work alot of conferences for my company where there are receptions, etc. At one affair, of course I was in charge of running the reception. Had been at the meeting all day, then around 5p the waiters start rolling in the bar and setting up the glasses, uncorking the wines, displayint them etx. The meeting was still going on and I was sitting outside in the midst of all the alchohol set up. Talk about PRESSURE> The waiters were overly generous I must say and very nice but they asked me 100 times if I wanted a glass of wine? They were walking by me so I guess they thought it would be rude to not ask. I actually refrained that meeting but when I went back to hotel I broke. sick.
I'm 122 so I can totally relate to the weight proportion effecting your drinking. However, I think my tolerance is so dulled I can down a bottle as well no problem and not even have a hangover the next day (of course I probalby act like an idiot that I am not aware of). Moderation is the answer when you do drink but truthfully I think any "moderation" for me is abstenance. Then and only then is when I have control. Sooner or later the wine runs out and I am much better off to move on to something else when I have nothing. Only then am I in complete control..just like the moderate drinkers only without the one or two. If I have one or two....makes me sleepy and cranky and either I want to go to sleep or get happy by downing a few more..better off with nothin.
In my experience I don't think the guys I have been with were intentionally rude they just are not alchoholics so see nothing wrong in giving their advice. I have a great job, look reasonably well so they naturally don't think I have an issue. I thnk maybe I should just be honest and tell them why and be done with it.
PS> For the poster that said refrain from anyone that drinks..that is alittle too harsh in this day and age. I would have to leave the planet. Besides, just because someone else drinks doesn't mean they abuse it. I would rather learn to abide with them w/out and be an example and make my life more enriched that I don't have to hide in a hole to avoide aclhohol. Noone that I have dated thus far anyway abused alchohol. They have one or two.
I'm 122 so I can totally relate to the weight proportion effecting your drinking. However, I think my tolerance is so dulled I can down a bottle as well no problem and not even have a hangover the next day (of course I probalby act like an idiot that I am not aware of). Moderation is the answer when you do drink but truthfully I think any "moderation" for me is abstenance. Then and only then is when I have control. Sooner or later the wine runs out and I am much better off to move on to something else when I have nothing. Only then am I in complete control..just like the moderate drinkers only without the one or two. If I have one or two....makes me sleepy and cranky and either I want to go to sleep or get happy by downing a few more..better off with nothin.
In my experience I don't think the guys I have been with were intentionally rude they just are not alchoholics so see nothing wrong in giving their advice. I have a great job, look reasonably well so they naturally don't think I have an issue. I thnk maybe I should just be honest and tell them why and be done with it.
PS> For the poster that said refrain from anyone that drinks..that is alittle too harsh in this day and age. I would have to leave the planet. Besides, just because someone else drinks doesn't mean they abuse it. I would rather learn to abide with them w/out and be an example and make my life more enriched that I don't have to hide in a hole to avoide aclhohol. Noone that I have dated thus far anyway abused alchohol. They have one or two.
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