Feel so irritated
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 3,010
Feel so irritated
This is small compared to other peoples problems but I just need to vent...
I am 33 years old and live with my parents in a rural area. My car got stolen a while ago so I am depending on buses and lifts...
I have my computer class and some business to do in town next week, spread over two days. I was planning on spending the night in a cheap B&B instead of driving in and out.
I knew when I told my father of my plans, he was not happy. It's like they are expecting me to relapse. He was like "I don't know about that. I can drive you in and out. It's not a bother". I just thought of this to give him a bit of a break from all the driving back and forth. I really had to stick to my guns. I feel like they are thinking that I am planning my relapse and I am not. I am over three months sober.
Then I went in to the kitchen to get something to eat and he asked very casually, "so are you planning on going to a meeting tomorrow?" I am actually but I just hate the constant reminders and fussing. The old me is in the past and I would like to leave her there but there are constant, constant reminders. I am never going to be free am I?
I had a session with my therapist yesterday about not worrying over small things and not taking things so personally but I am finding it damn hard!!
My mother drives me crazy as well. So should I continue with my plan or give in? All opinions welcome.
Actually thanks for letting me vent. I feel calmer having just typed this out x
I am 33 years old and live with my parents in a rural area. My car got stolen a while ago so I am depending on buses and lifts...
I have my computer class and some business to do in town next week, spread over two days. I was planning on spending the night in a cheap B&B instead of driving in and out.
I knew when I told my father of my plans, he was not happy. It's like they are expecting me to relapse. He was like "I don't know about that. I can drive you in and out. It's not a bother". I just thought of this to give him a bit of a break from all the driving back and forth. I really had to stick to my guns. I feel like they are thinking that I am planning my relapse and I am not. I am over three months sober.
Then I went in to the kitchen to get something to eat and he asked very casually, "so are you planning on going to a meeting tomorrow?" I am actually but I just hate the constant reminders and fussing. The old me is in the past and I would like to leave her there but there are constant, constant reminders. I am never going to be free am I?
I had a session with my therapist yesterday about not worrying over small things and not taking things so personally but I am finding it damn hard!!
My mother drives me crazy as well. So should I continue with my plan or give in? All opinions welcome.
Actually thanks for letting me vent. I feel calmer having just typed this out x
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nutmegger
Posts: 1,799
Hi Tetra. I went through a very similar experience when I knew I was doing the right thing but other people thought they knew what was best for me. I knew to my core that I was nowhere near a relapse and I had a therapist pushing me in directions that felt wrong. I was willing to be open minded because obviously what I was doing wasn't working, but at some point I realized I also have to be in charge of my own destiny.
I have read your other posts and it sounds like a break from being at your parents would be good for you. Maybe calmly explaining to your father that you understand his concerns but that you are a grown woman and you are beginning to take your life back. I remember your posts about how difficult your mother can be, sometimes I think a bit of a break from people who are not furthering our own best interests can help put the fact that we aren't being treated respectfully into clearer focus. I think it is hard to be surrounded by criticism at any time, and I think in early sobriety taking care of yourself is important.
So, in short, yes, I think going and staying over sounds like a wonderful opportunity for you!
I have read your other posts and it sounds like a break from being at your parents would be good for you. Maybe calmly explaining to your father that you understand his concerns but that you are a grown woman and you are beginning to take your life back. I remember your posts about how difficult your mother can be, sometimes I think a bit of a break from people who are not furthering our own best interests can help put the fact that we aren't being treated respectfully into clearer focus. I think it is hard to be surrounded by criticism at any time, and I think in early sobriety taking care of yourself is important.
So, in short, yes, I think going and staying over sounds like a wonderful opportunity for you!
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
When we first get sober, we feel great about our decision, and the work that we do. Only we understand what is going on in our own heads.
The people around us have seen us fail over and over and over again. This time will be different is probably something they have thought and hoped and agonized over and over again.
I have learned to have compassion for what they have been through.
Keep doing what you are doing. Your actions speak louder than words, and they will catch up, eventually.
The people around us have seen us fail over and over and over again. This time will be different is probably something they have thought and hoped and agonized over and over again.
I have learned to have compassion for what they have been through.
Keep doing what you are doing. Your actions speak louder than words, and they will catch up, eventually.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 557
I would continue with your plan. You are confident, you have a plan, and it makes sense. You are a grown adult, and now that you are getting sober you can start managing your own life. That is probably difficult for your parents if they are used to taking care of you. I'm sure they are worried about you.
Unfortunately trust takes time. Three months sober is awesome! But it's not that long in the grand scheme of your whole life. It may take years for people around you to really see that you are happy and confident in sobriety, especially for family who have seen the other side of things. But the only way they are going to be comfortable with your sobriety is when you are living a happy, productive sober life. So stunting that because they are afraid doesn't make sense. Keep in mind that they are responsible for their own feelings. The fact that you are confident in your sobriety is really all that matters. But that doesn't mean you can't give them the benefit of the doubt sometimes.
My husband has been sober six years, and his family still expects him to relapse at any time. It is what it is. He drank and drugged for most of his adult life. We don't blame them for that, and we don't let it bother us. We just live our lives.
Unfortunately trust takes time. Three months sober is awesome! But it's not that long in the grand scheme of your whole life. It may take years for people around you to really see that you are happy and confident in sobriety, especially for family who have seen the other side of things. But the only way they are going to be comfortable with your sobriety is when you are living a happy, productive sober life. So stunting that because they are afraid doesn't make sense. Keep in mind that they are responsible for their own feelings. The fact that you are confident in your sobriety is really all that matters. But that doesn't mean you can't give them the benefit of the doubt sometimes.
My husband has been sober six years, and his family still expects him to relapse at any time. It is what it is. He drank and drugged for most of his adult life. We don't blame them for that, and we don't let it bother us. We just live our lives.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: North US
Posts: 174
Not really any advise. But I do relate to your situation. I am about the same age & live at home with my parents. My mom will sometimes look for bottles or sniff my breath. I've been sober 2 1/2 months and am not sure if I am going to be able to make my goal of 1 year.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Livonia, MI
Posts: 260
I know in my case.....being sober for three months...to me...was a miracle....but to my parents....that was a mere drop in the bucket compared to the years of pain I put them through. I too....was walking around their house (I was living there after rehab) thinking that THEY should think im doing so great and why are they so hard on me? And...why do they sniff my orange juice or Pepsi? And...don't they know that I really mean it this time? Or...Im a grown man....why do they give me a curfew? It took me a while to get it. It was because.....it didn't take me overnight to destroy trust in me.....so it was going to take a hell of a long time to establish it again. I decided to just be so grateful that they were willing to take me in after rehab. So grateful they let me stay rent-free. So grateful they drove me to doctor appts. and other places. They gave me the tough love I needed to build up social muscle enough to make it on my own again....without alcohol this time. For that....I am eternally grateful for and love them dearly....
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 3,010
Thank you all very much for the advice.
Well I have decided that I am going to do it anyway.
My dad was saying that he would mostly be concerned about me walking around the city by myself at night, but my class finishes at 10 so all I will be fit for is getting a cab straight back to the accommodation.
Honestly, my mom is such a negative person. Sometimes I wonder is she living on this planet at all.
Yes, my sister has problems, but she is fine as long as she takes her medication. She finished a long day at work and my mom called her to ask how she got on today. My sis mentioned something about being tired. My mom said "why are you tired? Did you nearly get fired?" I was like WTH? "Why did you ask her that?" She said "all we need is for your sister to nearly kill someone and have it splashed all over the papers". It's not like she is the only doctor in the hospital...
It's the same way with my aunts. I hadn't seen some of them for years, all I have heard for the past 10 years is my mom giving out about her sisters "those bitches Jane and Sally laughing at us". I have spent a lot of time with Jane recently after the death of her husband, she is nothing like my mom was describing. I said to my dad I was surprised that Jane is actually quite nice. He was laughing and saying "did you think she was a monster?" I said "yes actually". He said "I have told you 1000 times to let most of what your mom says in one ear and out the other". And now she is complaining about my best friend..."she's too sly" apparently and I am "too innocent" and she doesn't like me spending time with her...I've had it up to here tonight!!!!!
I am sitting and typing with a pot of camomile tea. (I am well past the stage of just having a cup.) So yes, I am looking forward to the break, I think it will be a positive step. I am in a good place right now, not drinking and I am applying for jobs and I am trying to turn my life around.
Thank you all so much. I would be far worse off without sober recovery and all of you, and I am very grateful to have you all as friends and for letting me vent xx
Well I have decided that I am going to do it anyway.
My dad was saying that he would mostly be concerned about me walking around the city by myself at night, but my class finishes at 10 so all I will be fit for is getting a cab straight back to the accommodation.
Honestly, my mom is such a negative person. Sometimes I wonder is she living on this planet at all.
Yes, my sister has problems, but she is fine as long as she takes her medication. She finished a long day at work and my mom called her to ask how she got on today. My sis mentioned something about being tired. My mom said "why are you tired? Did you nearly get fired?" I was like WTH? "Why did you ask her that?" She said "all we need is for your sister to nearly kill someone and have it splashed all over the papers". It's not like she is the only doctor in the hospital...
It's the same way with my aunts. I hadn't seen some of them for years, all I have heard for the past 10 years is my mom giving out about her sisters "those bitches Jane and Sally laughing at us". I have spent a lot of time with Jane recently after the death of her husband, she is nothing like my mom was describing. I said to my dad I was surprised that Jane is actually quite nice. He was laughing and saying "did you think she was a monster?" I said "yes actually". He said "I have told you 1000 times to let most of what your mom says in one ear and out the other". And now she is complaining about my best friend..."she's too sly" apparently and I am "too innocent" and she doesn't like me spending time with her...I've had it up to here tonight!!!!!
I am sitting and typing with a pot of camomile tea. (I am well past the stage of just having a cup.) So yes, I am looking forward to the break, I think it will be a positive step. I am in a good place right now, not drinking and I am applying for jobs and I am trying to turn my life around.
Thank you all so much. I would be far worse off without sober recovery and all of you, and I am very grateful to have you all as friends and for letting me vent xx
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 3,010
Originally Posted by ErikT 
I know in my case.....being sober for three months...to me...was a miracle....but to my parents....that was a mere drop in the bucket compared to the years of pain I put them through. I too....was walking around their house (I was living there after rehab) thinking that THEY should think im doing so great and why are they so hard on me? And...why do they sniff my orange juice or Pepsi? And...don't they know that I really mean it this time? Or...Im a grown man....why do they give me a curfew? It took me a while to get it. It was because.....it didn't take me overnight to destroy trust in me.....so it was going to take a hell of a long time to establish it again. I decided to just be so grateful that they were willing to take me in after rehab. So grateful they let me stay rent-free. So grateful they drove me to doctor appts. and other places. They gave me the tough love I needed to build up social muscle enough to make it on my own again....without alcohol this time. For that....I am eternally grateful for and love them dearly....
Yes, I get what you are saying and I am very grateful and love them dearly but living with someone who has mental problems and won't do anything about it does take its toll at times. I am just trying to come to terms with the fact that she is never going to change. The only person who can change is me, and I am working on that.
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Poconos PA
Posts: 1,544
Your Father is just worried because he loves you and wants to see you stay better that's all. I would probably give you the same cautious attitude if I was in his shoes. Your are doing great and stick to your beliefs, if you in your own conscience believe you are strong enough to do the B&B then do it. In the end you only have yourself to feel accountable to at this moment. I would finish by adding though that I still believe feeling accountable to others can be a key to success so give some thought to what your parents think.
Keep up the great work, you're doing so well.
Keep up the great work, you're doing so well.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: PA
Posts: 695
Tetra- Looking at it from the parent perspective- How long did you use/drink? Take that time and multiple it by 10 and MAYBE just maybe your parents may begin to trust you after that amount of time has passed. They are terrified you will relapse, cut them a break, I am guessing they "cut you a break" on at least one occasion during your using/drinking days? Am I right?
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Join Date: Jun 2010
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Originally Posted by Leana
Tetra- Looking at it from the parent perspective- How long did you use/drink? Take that time and multiple it by 10 and MAYBE just maybe your parents may begin to trust you after that amount of time has passed. They are terrified you will relapse, cut them a break, I am guessing they "cut you a break" on at least one occasion during your using/drinking days? Am I right?
I would love to be back in the city actually. Maybe one day...
My brain is trying to kill me
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Palo Alto, ca
Posts: 401
Over time I think you'll recognize and be grateful they care. It's not nagging, it's what parents due...it is in the parenting DNA. And they are so proud and relieved we are getting better; they don't really know what or how they can support and be loving and helpful. Please recognize the positive and be grateful. Gratitude is a big part of sobriety, as we were so resentful in our addiction; it takes practice!
I wish I had these issues. When I told Dad I was an alcoholic it was around the time Mom died, and his Granddaughter was arrested; he lumped the three items all together in a bundle and proclaimed it was the worst time in his life! I tried to convince him my sobriety was a good thing and soon he said "just don't go to to many of those AA seminars". Now my sobriety is the 300 pound gorilla sitting in the corner of our relationship and we never talk about it. And YES, he is an alcoholic, an active "maintenance drinker" in denial, 80 year old parents were raised in a different era; so I've learned with help to keep a healthy perspective.
Hope this helps a bit..Congratulations, keep up the good work, one day at a time
A
I wish I had these issues. When I told Dad I was an alcoholic it was around the time Mom died, and his Granddaughter was arrested; he lumped the three items all together in a bundle and proclaimed it was the worst time in his life! I tried to convince him my sobriety was a good thing and soon he said "just don't go to to many of those AA seminars". Now my sobriety is the 300 pound gorilla sitting in the corner of our relationship and we never talk about it. And YES, he is an alcoholic, an active "maintenance drinker" in denial, 80 year old parents were raised in a different era; so I've learned with help to keep a healthy perspective.
Hope this helps a bit..Congratulations, keep up the good work, one day at a time
A
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