Like2Hike

For those who had a relapse after more than a year sober what changed to cause you to drink again? There are often members who mention they had X number of years sober but went back to drinking at some point. Most say they ultimately chose sobriety, recovered, and came back post about their experience. These are well heeded warnings as I aim to stay vigilant.

Thanks to all who contribute to SR. This forum has provided the information and support that I needed. For that I am grateful.

TigerLili

I forgot I had a problem with alcohol. The old AV reared its ugly head and suggested to me that I could have a drink, that it would be impolite to refuse. I wasn't posting on SR or going to AA meetings by then. I was full of uncomfortable emotions that I needed to self-medicate.

FeelingGreat

Hi, I haven't relapsed, but I have just lately been very tempted. The reason is I am away from my home, doing a stressful job, evenings alone, and it's hot weather (I like cold white wine). So I would say loneliness and stress are contributing to temptation, although I'm sure I'll get through it.
SR is invaluable when I feel like this.

LDT

L2H....I planned my relapse after 18 months sobriety. I felt I was "cured"....was convinced I wasn't an alcoholic....My little experiment lasted about 5 months before I realized I was spiraling once again. ( actually I realized that within 3 weeks of resuming drinking).

My relapse was spawned by a visit from my long time former drinking buddy and best friend who had come to visit for a week. I did not drink with her, but started immediately after she left. My bad choice for sure. Grateful that's now history.

karate

Thought I was cured too , I think I had 5 plus years .

Know this though - every relapse is faster to the bottom
I agree it's a progressive illness .

keithj

Perhaps those are the only ones you hear from, and represent a skewed sampling. It neglects all those that never make it back and die from this thing.

It makes for a great story, those that come back after a relapse. But I personally have known many dozens of people that never made it back.

IOAA2

What Keithj said. During my first couple years I had constant relapses with none in the past +30 years.
For the most part those that come back to meetings stopped going to meetings and their built in forgetter made them forget the drinking pain we went through seem miniscule. Many people forgot how to share their pains of life therefore escaped by drinking. The old feelings we drank for crept back and they reacted the same old way.
There are probably as many reasons as people and unfortunately most can't make it back.
Seeing so many over the years I'm sorry for the pain of hell they go through that often ends with taking their life.
Very serious business!

BE WELL

Like2Hike

I agree 100% with what you wrote, Keith. My wording isn't correct in the original post as I do not want to diminish in any way the threat or danger of relapses. A close friend of mine died after he relapsed.

Pipefish

Great question, and not an easy one to answer. I was 12 years sober when I picked up a drink. Actually, more accurately, for the first ten years, I was sober, for the final two not sober in mind or manner at all. It felt very unlike recovery, so there is a clue in there somewhere!

What changed to cause me to drink is what you asked. Well, I was going to AA meetings, but not in a committed way, I had no home group. I had a long-term sober member, two actually now I think about it, and we regularly met up and talked, but I wasn’t really saying what was going on. I was beginning to feel much as I did before I got into recovery – lonely, bleak, empty, dead inside. The issue in not being able to say what was going on was pride; I was twelve years sober! I shouldn’t be feeling like this! And, most of all, I should know how to handle everything! That, I learned, is not the deal here…thankfully, no matter how long it has been since my last drink.

In hindsight, my emotions were getting off kilter, and there was no-one in charge but me…never a good plan. Areas of my life where I wanted a control that was not in my gift, led to frustrations I couldn’t handle on my own. And the less control I felt I had, the unhappier I became. And the unhappier I became, the less I cared about doing, or even knowing how to locate, the ‘next right indicated thing’ as the saying goes. And so, by the time I finally picked up a drink, there wasn’t really anything worth having to lose. So I did what alcoholics do in those circumstances. I drank.

What constitutes worth in sobriety? Well, I had (have) a good job, a lovely house, a relationship that fulfilled some of my needs, friends, took fabulous holidays, had re-established hobbies and studying. Did any of that prevent me from drinking? Not a chance. That’s not to say it wouldn’t prevent others from drinking, it just didn’t prevent me from doing so. Maybe that’s because sobriety for me wasn't actually about the fulfilment of a wish list. Fulfilling as those things undoubtedly are, acquisition, achievement is not a spiritual awakening; sure they’re by-products of suiting up and showing up, but to maintain long-term sobriety, they are not the things that matter, at least as it turns out, not the things that matter to me. I didn’t know that before, although the knowledge was there, I wasn’t able to see it.

Really early on in my AA ‘career’ I remember talking to a long-term sober member and she asked me what I wanted from recovery. I articulated a long list. She then asked ‘what if you don’t get any of that? Are you going to feel just as serene peeling the potatoes for dinner? Feeding the cat?’ Wise woman! She has passed away now. She was still sober.

Part of rebuilding a sober life for me has been seeking therapy. An interesting session this week about the beliefs I had about what constituted sobriety….and recognising now that it’s very little to do with what I have, and much more to do with peace of mind, developing an inner security and stability that can see me through regardless of any external circumstances which are causing me distress or unhappiness, or indeed, ones which bring happiness. And circumstances of both kinds will come and go…life being life. It really is an inside job.

Although I can’t speak for others, my belief is that it is pride that prevents anyone who has relapsed returning to AA, or seeking any other form of help that is available. Pride (and denial) is what makes relapse a death sentence, not the alcohol, just the simple admission that something has gone wrong and I need help.

Often the explanation for relapse is’ I stopped going to meetings’. In reality, I could go to two meetings a day, that wouldn’t prevent me drinking again. To maintain anything like long-term sobriety, I need to live by the principles of the AA programme, to the best of my ability and seek and be prepared to take the actions which will help me continue to grow. Sounds easy, eh? ;-) Thank goodness it isn’t, and I mean that in the most positive, life enhancing sense. This is such a worthwhile way to live, but not for any of the reasons I initially thought were true.

I am lucky to be here again…I was lucky enough the first time - I’m a low bottom drunk, I first arrived in AA when I was 24. Someone up or out there loves me :-)

Happy trudging everyone ;-)

Hawkeye13

I was heading to my second year of sobriety and quite frankly hadn't had much problem with temptation.

I started to think maybe I could drink in moderation but it wasn't "desperate"-- more curiosity. Was I over the need to binge?
I had an opportunity (free drinks after a brewery tour when I was at a work function) ,had a couple, had fun, and thought I could manage it.

I kept drinking, sometimes just a few but amount crept upward. Back to binging within a month.

Realized this was not an option for me, had horrible withdrawals and that's how I found SR--
because I was so alarmed with how ill I was, and I was up at night suffering trying to figure out why it was so bad when I hadn't been drinking very long.
I had never heard of kindling effect or even that you could really cause damage to yourself stopping drinking cold turkey that way--
I didn't think I drank enough to have to worry about DTs.

That was foolish, but boy I swore I wouldn't try that moderation crap again.
My "take away" lesson has been repeated by many here so I think of it often:

You plan your relapses. You may not consciously be aware of it, but you do.

So I pay close attention to that impulse (my AV) to modify my "absolutely no booze" stance and I don't let it grow.

DoPerdition

Thank you for this post. I am not into my sobriety long enough to comment but it gives me something to think about and watch out for.

I will say I could see myself planning a relapse a few weeks ago when I went out of town to visit a friend. I found myself driving towards a bar with the intent of having "one drink". Thankfully I realized the madness and stopped myself.

TrickyDave

I had two sober years, but relapsed right after my father died and one of my brothers started treating my mom (age mid 80's) as if she didn't exist.

I think it was a (bad) way to cope with grief, and I'm still digging out.

Grungehead

I got sober in early 1990, relapsed in late 1996 which lasted for about a year.

I got sober again in 1997, relapsed again in 2004 which lasted for about 8 years.

Both times I stopped treating my alcoholism years before I relapsed. Both times I had a crisis occur in my life and I chose alcohol as the solution. It just proves that alcoholism is a fatal and progressive disease, and no one is guaranteed a lifetime of sobriety because they have gone "X" amount of time without a drink. I have done several things this time that were suggested to me in the past but I chose to ignore. But having relapsed twice after long term sobriety, it has taught me that today is the only day that I have guaranteed sobriety, and that is assuming I am actively participating in my own recovery.

zerothehero

My relapses were all planned. Once it was a year, and at exactly a year I started again. Like others who posted above, I thought the break would help me get a handle on binging and be able to practice moderation. Yeah, right. Others I would say I needed to give my organs a break for a month or two, and I usually planned relapse for a specific event. I'm on day 23, and this is the first time I've told myself it's for good. Like Hawkeye 13, my last detox was an unexpected nightmare. It had never been like that before, and it really opened my eyes to how far down I had progressed. I think reviving threads like this on a regular basis will be helpful for many.