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My adult children are on my last nerve period!

Old 12-24-2013, 11:17 AM
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Angry My adult children are on my last nerve period!

Here I am spending another Christmas Eve cooking dinner for guess who....my EX, his grown daughter from his current marriage & hopefully his wife will not show up because no one can stand her except him! I just realized why do I do this? Sooooo, my children can be with their Dad, that's why, and his wife doesn't cook so the poor man doesn't get any home cooked meals. Oh, boo hoo! I just spent around $1500 for gifts, grandkids etc & really no one really appreciates it, no one. I live with one of my daughters & my granddaughter & yesterday told her to empty her ashtray(flower pot) & sweep the front porch from smoking, she got an attitude! That was in the morning, she finally did it in the evening, but no sweeping. Yesterday, my other daughter got an attitude with me over the phone, said she would call me back but never did! My son is not speaking to me because of HIS problems. I frickin don't understand how grown kids can just cut their parent off like that! What, are they trying to punish me for something? Oh, and I watched my GD all day yesterday including driving all over town to get iced sugar cookies(btw $66 worth) & lunch in a restaurant! And, I get treated like ****! I typed in "bar" last night & it gave me a bar not too far from where I live, so I took this fat 61 yr old woman to it! I had 8 days sober & now it's gone & also drank a bottle of wine this morning & now making coffee. I won't drink anymore but I sure would like to drink Christmas away, believe you me!! Now, I get to clean the house, cook, go pick up grandkids & pretend to enjoy the f***ing evening!!
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Old 12-24-2013, 12:08 PM
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Oh, Missylou, I'm so sorry that your family doesn't show their appreciation for all that you do. Please don't let this diminish you--sounds you are a a generous mom, grandmother, and ex.

Glad to hear you switched from wine to coffee--try to enjoy the meal (bet it's scrumptious) and the company. Ask everyone to pitch in and help clean up, and once they're all gone for the evening, maybe try to do something nice for yourself (log on here, watch a movie, take a relaxing bath)?

Thinking of you tonight!
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Old 12-24-2013, 12:13 PM
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Hope u r not driving the kids under the influence. Sounds like you had a lot of high expectations and they are not being met. When we go into anything with high expectations we are let down.

Have no expectations. It just is what it is and you will be a lot happier. Your addiction found a reason to drink.
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Old 12-24-2013, 12:44 PM
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I often feel the same about my ungrateful lot. I will just grin and bear it because it's only one day. Hopefully next year I will swept off my feet by Jonnny Depp xxx
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Old 12-24-2013, 01:50 PM
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You are a better person than I am ,Ill not be disrespectful to anyone BUT .

I decided my favorite person is ME , I still work long hours to provide for my family ,but the silly "events " I skip most of them .

Wife understands ,If I told -on here what time I get up to go to work ,I would be accused of telling a lie
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Old 12-24-2013, 03:05 PM
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Thanks everyone, I am a little out of my funk, one more thing to fix for dinner & then go pick up my grandsons. They are already calling on their new phones, typical huh. I am not drinking so I never drink with them in the car. I hate when people accuse me of that. Thanks again & yes I do need to put me first, just need to know how, believe or not.
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Old 12-24-2013, 04:14 PM
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MISSYLOU- why not just stop. Stop picking kids up, stop driving people around, stop fixing dinner, buying gifts, and cleaning. Just stop.

Take all the time and energy you'll then have and concentrate on yourself and getting sober.
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Old 12-24-2013, 05:10 PM
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Ditto
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Old 12-24-2013, 09:37 PM
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You are really way to stressed out. Whats really going on? Not everyone is going to worship the ground you walk on, family or not. You do not know whats going on in their heads. This is life. Sorry for sounding rude but I mean what I say.
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Old 12-24-2013, 10:02 PM
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I have one self estranged 40 year old son. He is always broke, does not hold a job for long, and my grandkids are the same. My door is open, if they want to be family. But they don't because:
1. No money will be given, loaned, or co signed for. Losing all his money is bad enough, adding mine only makes us poor and fools to boot.
2. No vehicles loaned for any reason.
3. We do not allow company without calling first.
4. We no longer buy any presents for any reason for that side.
5. When they are silent and not returning calls for some sort of silly thought of our having remorse for not giving him our money to blow too, it seems silly. See they never called or returned calls before they decided they were mad. No difference!
6. No child will move back in. If homeless we will drop him at a shelter.

Our other son, married and successful and very busy had time to visit weekly just to touch base. We'd have the most marvelous political discussions as we disagree on some things but not others. He just changed careers at 36 from owning a restaurant franchise here of a national very successful chain, because it wasn't worth the great money to burn the candle at both ends. He sold it back and got his nursing degree so he and my lovely DIL are now able to work the same shifts, both BSRNs. They just moved to Denver, so we will miss them terribly. The oldest does not show for family functions since we stopped gifting between the adults and teens over 16.

Life is good. My sobriety is not even a thought because I detached long ago. I empathize with his self defeatism. We love both our sons. One we see the other absents himself. Both men are smart, and hard workers. The oldest just refuses to be responsible with money. We stopped losing a couple hundred at a time bailing him out at 18, when we kicked him out as promised if he kept spitting where he eats (on us and in our home.)

You know most families have issues. Mine are minor. It could be worse. I could be using them as an excuse for my drinking. I don't need anybody to drive me to drink. If I wanted to drink, I would be driving myself. (pun int.)

I hope you choose to detach, and get back on the wagon.
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Old 12-24-2013, 10:49 PM
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MISSYLOU - Have You heard of Melody Beattie ? Her writings may be of Great Help to You...

Best of the Season - May LOVE Prevail !!!
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Old 12-24-2013, 11:07 PM
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I lent out Melody Beattie's "Codependent No More" knowing I'd never get it back ten or so times back in the 80s. When my oldest was 15 he tried to codie up the family and I had us all in for family counseling while he was admitted for therapy for a month. Put that fire out when it was a match. Much harder when it's a forest fire.
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Old 12-24-2013, 11:46 PM
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Hi missy
W/ all due respect, why the hell would you allow grown a** men/women ruin your sobriety?? If they want to live a certain way & you've done your best raising/directing em, then leave them alone. It's not worth loosing your peace,serenity,joy n even sleep over; live & let live
Merry Christmas
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Old 12-25-2013, 09:11 AM
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We teach people how to treat us.
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Old 12-25-2013, 09:24 AM
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A blueprint for setting boundaries. Well done.

Originally Posted by Itchy View Post
I have one self estranged 40 year old son. He is always broke, does not hold a job for long, and my grandkids are the same. My door is open, if they want to be family. But they don't because:
1. No money will be given, loaned, or co signed for. Losing all his money is bad enough, adding mine only makes us poor and fools to boot.
2. No vehicles loaned for any reason.
3. We do not allow company without calling first.
4. We no longer buy any presents for any reason for that side.
5. When they are silent and not returning calls for some sort of silly thought of our having remorse for not giving him our money to blow too, it seems silly. See they never called or returned calls before they decided they were mad. No difference!
6. No child will move back in. If homeless we will drop him at a shelter.

Our other son, married and successful and very busy had time to visit weekly just to touch base. We'd have the most marvelous political discussions as we disagree on some things but not others. He just changed careers at 36 from owning a restaurant franchise here of a national very successful chain, because it wasn't worth the great money to burn the candle at both ends. He sold it back and got his nursing degree so he and my lovely DIL are now able to work the same shifts, both BSRNs. They just moved to Denver, so we will miss them terribly. The oldest does not show for family functions since we stopped gifting between the adults and teens over 16.

Life is good. My sobriety is not even a thought because I detached long ago. I empathize with his self defeatism. We love both our sons. One we see the other absents himself. Both men are smart, and hard workers. The oldest just refuses to be responsible with money. We stopped losing a couple hundred at a time bailing him out at 18, when we kicked him out as promised if he kept spitting where he eats (on us and in our home.)

You know most families have issues. Mine are minor. It could be worse. I could be using them as an excuse for my drinking. I don't need anybody to drive me to drink. If I wanted to drink, I would be driving myself. (pun int.)

I hope you choose to detach, and get back on the wagon.
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Old 12-25-2013, 09:35 AM
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Missylou, I was on the verge of feeling guilty about being home alone. Thank you for the thread. Rootin for ya, Merry Christmas.

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Old 12-25-2013, 05:03 PM
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I say this from a place of love. People will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. You must make your feelings and thoughts known and face possible confrontation or you are doomed to go through life quietly resentful of people you should be spending that time loving. Saying "no" or "I don't feel appreciated" is uncomfortable, but it beats running yourself ragged this time of the year instead of enjoying your family and holiday.

Take care of you. The rest will come with time.
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Old 12-25-2013, 07:26 PM
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missylou,
these are choices you're making. i'm sure there's pressure, external and internal, to try and do all these things, nevertheless they are choices you're making.
it's up to adult children if and how they arrange to spend time with their dad.
and the "poor man" who doesn't get any home-cooked meals could choose to learn to cook.
and...you get my drift.
everyone is grown up; everyone is making decisions here.

what are your thoughts on how to deal with frustrations other than googling "'bar" and getting drunk? any plans that might help you get and stay sober?
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