MB8

I am 32 days sobers and although I'm proud of that, it's not really getting any easier. I've attempted quiting many times and have made it as long as 5 months. I am aware of the battle that is in front of me and also aware that I am along way off not thinking about drinking everyday. When you drink heavily for 20 years I realize it won't go away over night although I certainly wish it would.
This is where I get to the title of this thread. My wife is a non drinker. Always has been. Therefore I definately don't expect her to understand the depth of my struggle. Unfortunately she thinks that since I haven't had a drink in 32 days that I am cured. " Hunny, you have been fine not drinking for the last month, so you should be fine never drinking again ". What she hasn't seen is that I have basically been crawling out of my skin all month and think about drinking every hour of everyday. Again I don't expect her to understand but tonight we brought our kids around to look at Christmas lights and my kids were acting crazy and I was ready to lose my mind. At one point she looked at me
like, I realize your struggling as usually when we look at lights your 10-12 deep, but get over it. You've have 30 days, you should be fine. 95% of the time she is so supportive, yet there are times where I know she's thinking, c'mon , how bad can it be. Well, it's awful. It's a daily struggle and I dread knowing I'm going to have to wake up tomorrow and battle it again. How can we expect our loved ones to understand what we are going thru when they've never been thru it themselves. I know many are going to say alanon and she has been on SR a few times but I'm not sure how much it helps. How can I convince her that I am absolutely struggling without acting like an irritable ******* 24 and 7.

Sober and grateful yet struggling. MB8.

Thepatman

I know exactly what you mean. In my case it's my brother but similar this should be easy look.

I was reading today that because of the drinking for so long that we have depleted important minerals in our body including other important elements. You should look at your diet as a possible factor for your struggle. Not to be negative, but the article says it can take months / years before our body works as supposed to.

suki44883

What are you doing for your recovery other than just not drinking? Do you have a support system other than SR?

Non drinkers, and even normal drinkers usually don't understand that an alcoholic can't just "get over it." While they may acknowledge that it's hard, there's no way they can understand just how hard it is, even when we have a lot of support.

You're doing great, in any case. Hang in there and keep doing the next right thing. (((HUGS)))

foolsgold66

I'm not sure you can convince her. Maybe you should try to share more here or get some more support though, I know everyone is different but the mental obsession should be fading at least some after that length of time.

Sudz No More

You've got to hang in there and get further along, it will get better. I was the master of the 90 day relapse, it wasn't until I got determined to make it past 6 months that the crazy cravings started to lift. Tough it out, the farther you go the easier it will be.

zeroptzero

I have had some friends in recovery drive themselves crazy over wishing that their family members would/could understand what they are going through. This can lead to resentment. Save yourself some trouble - your wife will never understand what it is like. Forgive her for that (be glad for her that she doesn't). Stay in touch with people who do know. You can relate to them and vice-versa.
The other thing that can be hard is that you may feel that she is not recognizing your efforts or giving you enough credit for what you are overcoming. You will have to let that go too. In some ways it is a lonely struggle - but at the end of the day you have to do it for yourself.

gaffo

zeroptzero is right on.

If you can find some way cut to your expectations and resentment loose about this matter you will feel better.

32 days is fantastic. It will get way better. Even with all the obsessing and craving, you've got to admit that the dog days of Xmas are better without a twelve beer hangover!

GracieLou

We can't. It is one more thing we must accept. Lately I have been getting a lot of why and how questions from my mother. I don't have all the answers for her. I try to do the best I can but it comes down to the plain fact that she is never going to really understand. I can say it fifteen different ways and she still looks at me like I have green teeth and purple hair...lol

The important thing is that I have many people in my life that do and those are the people I lean on. Nobody can understand me better than another alcoholic. It is just a fact I have come to accept and in a weird way cherish. I am so grateful for the people in my life that do get it. If I was only leaning on my mother, my children or my friend, I don't think I would be sober today. I need to talk to people that were/are in the exact same boat I am in.

There comes a point when we realize that the people we love cannot walk our journey with us and I know I wanted that so very bad. I had to let that go and find people that I can walk with. That has made the difference for me.

I know you do not want to alienate your wife and you don't have to. It may be time to seek outside recovery such as AA or another program. I know I need those people so I do not feel alone and I have their support when I do.

hypochondriac

What other support do you have MB8?

I had a very similar experience with my family. I thought if I could explain then they would understand, but they didn't even like me raising the subject. Part of that I know was that they believed I was making myself worse by talking about it. They were concerned I spent too much time here and when I mentioned to my sister that I needed the support of other alcoholics she very patronisingly replied that what I needed was to surround myself with normal people, as if by osmosis I too would become 'normal'.

Basically though what I found by experience was I needed the exact opposite. I needed those people who knew where I had come from. Even now after 20 + months sober I have a feeling of ease around other alcoholics. I know that they know how it feels and won't judge me. Being around 'normal' drinkers on the other hand convinces me that I am abnormal and that I should just try harder to be more like them rather than 'making' myself stand out. It isn't very healthy for my levels of acceptance.

If your wife is supportive 95% of the time then I think that is something to be incredibly grateful for. I think it is common for others to be less than supportive. But you cannot get everything from your partner. Maybe this can be that one place where you turn to others for support

KateL

Keep at it. People sometimes switch off as a coping mechanism for themselves. She is probably hoping and praying you will get through it but perhaps she thinks you don't want her fussing over you. xx

JustODAAT

Maybe it would be helpful to think about it this way: She is trying to adjust to a new you and it's taking her a while too.

I was once taught by a psychologist that when one person in a small system of people (like a nuclear family) changes...everyone has to change. The good news is that insight allows you to change a dynamic you don't like just by changing yourself, because everyone else will have to adjust and then the dynamic will change. But it also means when one person in your family changes their behavior, you have to adjust whether you're prepared for or understand that or not.

In this case, you have changed and your family is still getting used to the change they are having to make too. I had the same with my husband and 2 sons. They were used to mom being a certain way and it took them a while to get used to mom being another way. Meanwhile I was trying hard not to think about drinking 24/7, so I had no patience for their adjustment period.

But we all did adjust. And we're better for it. I'm sending you thoughts of strength and persistence, because the struggle is worth it.

bigsombrero

This is the reason people use AA and other support methods (whatever floats your boat), because normal people don't understand it. We need to be around other people who say "I get it". That's why astronomers have astronomy clubs and politicians have political groups. You need to be in a place where other people jive with your philosophies in order to really accomplish something.

Additionally, your wife being a non-drinker makes you luckier than you realize. Lots of folks here are dealing with spouses who see drinking as a normal part of their social scene, and end up feeling extremely isolated and alone in their sobriety. This can be a huge strain on relationships, obviously.

Sounds like you have a lot going for you. Thirty two days is a great start. A supportive wife who doesn't need to drink to have fun. Looks like you are also doing the right thing by reaching out here at SR for support. Keep up the good work and add some support to your network. Welcome and good luck!

LadyinBC

This disease is definitely a family problem. I don't think a person really understands what we go thru unless they have been thru it. Just like we don't understand what they go thru if we have never been on that side.

I was on that side and remember how I felt when my mom drank and I never did understand how she could not stop and why she would put us thru all the crap. However, once I became an alcoholic myself, my empathy for her definitely went up as now I can totally relate to what she went thru. She gets me and I get her.

MB8

Thnx everyone for the encouraging and supportive words. Zero you hit the nail on the head when you talked about resenting your spouse if they don't understand what your going thru. I believe that is exactly what I did when I had 5 months and I thought " well she doesn't understand anyway so I might as well just go back to drinking". And I did. You people have really helped me to see things in a different light. Also almost every friend I have has been a " drinking buddy ". It is very hard to be around them because I do start to feel like the outcast because I'm not drinking. I have told my wife that under no circumstances is she to tell anyone that I'm not drinking because I'm in recovery. I think my reasons are two fold.... 1. I don't want to be made to feel as if I'm a pity case who has this huge problem. 2. If for some reason I were to relapse then I am this huge failure. And unfortunately as much as I say no way, that is a legitimate concern based on my past record. I do go to AA meetings and truly soak up everything I can but I can't wrap my arms around a " higher power " and the 12 steps. I can't get to step one. My life isn't unmanageable. I have a great career, two beautiful daughters, and a loving wife. I'm trying though. I heard the best thing in a meeting yesterday and I'll end on this note. I always say, " I don't need AA. I haven't lost everything. Haven't lost the job, house, cars, boat, family, etc. Everyone in the rooms, that is all they talk about ". And then someone stood up and without me having even said any of that said this. AA is tough for me. I having lost everything. All the same things. But what I have lost and is way more important is this. My wife and children's respect and the innocence that my kids used to look at me with. Now theyre just ashamed of me. :-((. I haven't gotten to that point but I'm sure if I continued on my previous path it wouldn't be far off. Thnx for listening.

Sober and grateful. MB8

doggonecarl

Or 3) If no one knows, I can relapse and not be held accountable because no one knew I wasn't drinking.

Not accusing you of thinking that, just know how my mind operated and kept me struggling for years to quit successfully. We tend to bar the front door against our addiction, but leave the back door cracked open...

MB8

I absolutely agree with your #3. I'm sure subconsciously that is exactly what I'm doing. What do you recommend I do. And I don't say that trying to be condescending, I am truly looking for advice. I have had many attempts at quiting, albeit many were quite futile. I honestly think I'm ready to make it stick. I have a 3 y/o and a 5 y/o daughters and daddy is their entire world and vice versa. There is no way on earth a reasonable person would pick there own " buzz " over their daughters happiness and well being. I like to think myself as a very reasonable person. Today is day 34 of making sobriety happen.

Sober and grateful. MB8

MIRecovery

My wife is very supportive and has read a fair amount about recovery but she still gives me the deer in the headlights look from time to time. The truth of it is she will never really understand because I'm expecting a sane person to understand insane behavior.

The vast majority of the support I get and need is from AA. There I am surrounded by people who truly understand what it is like to be me

gaffo

I don't know how to put this elegantly:you don't know what you don't have until you get it. My life was fully functional while I was a drinker but there was a beautiful, ugly, colorful, tasty world out there that I had no idea about because I was stuck walking the tight little circles of my obsession. This is especially evident to me when I interact with my 7 and 9 year old kids. It's hard to pay proper attention to them when I'm scheduling my drinks.

34 days is great. The argument could be made that the first 30 days are the hardest. Do yourself a big favor and don't repeat them!

doggonecarl

A successful recovery requires a number of elements, foundational pieces. In my opinion, the cornerstone of that foundation is honesty--with yourself about your alcoholism--and with others.

If you tell people that you have a problem with alcohol and need to quit drinking, you will quickly be able to sort out those that support your decision and those that deride you for it.

You don't need the latter.

If people know you are trying to quit (those that support you) they may understand why you will be turning down holiday invitations that are alcohol-centric. You won't have to make excuses.

If you are honest about your problem, and you struggle, then you can reach out for more help. If you've been honest about your desire to quit, there is less chance you will be ashamed to add AA to your recovery "foundation." None of those, "What will people think?" kind of excuses.

Good luck.

Nonsensical

I agree with Carl. Just be prepared. The more 'normies' you tell, the more people you may have to deal with who do not understand the addiction. That can be frustrating.

People who know I have stopped drinking but don't respect it - as Carl said - I don't need any more. That's easy to deal with. I'm polite in person, but their numbers are deleted from my phone. Facebook unfriended. Click.

It's the people (like my wife and parents!) who don't have any idea what substance addiction is about who also want to tell me what I need to be doing to get cured that are harder for me to deal with. They want to help, but they aren't very good at it. Sometimes they are flat out counter-productive.

I frequently close my eyes, take a few deep breaths, and say to myself, "They are trying to help, they are trying to help...".