gincognito

Hi,

I've posted some rude things here in the past. I know I'm selfish and outspoken. I suppose that is part of the disease. Nonetheless I'd love some feedback. Lately I've been on a weekly drinking schedule. I can manage to get work done for a week or so but then I need to to escape, just for a day. I can't help but think this is more of a self medicated mood disorder thing than pure alcoholism. Nice thing is, no matter how bad I get, year after year I keep on keeping on and making more money and generally being high functioning and successful. I only drink that one day a week, but then oh lord do I drink. I love AA and the people I meet there, but it just doesn't touch the racing obsessive anxiety.

Thanks for reading

Dee74

welcome back Gincognito

way back, at the beginning, I used to have a day off every week too...then it became a weekend...then I began to drink at night...then every day.

I was very successful at everything I did for a decade too - I used to think it was because of my drinking. Now I think it was in spite of it.

I think all those behaviours were points on the same curve. I had the same obsessions and anxiety when I wasn't drinking.

You're obviously back for a reason. Does it really matter what we call our drinking behaviour?

D

gincognito

See, I've never really done that escalating thing. I've always drank/used like this. It's twenty five years now I've done this. As I get older I become more accepting of it. I become more patient. I'm not looking for any answers, just some understanding. Which you seem to have provided already so thank you so much.

Dee74

no worries. Like I said good to see you back here

D

awuh1

So what is the problem?

gincognito

Thank you for your kindness and understanding; I'm sure it's above and beyond what I deserve.

gincognito

Problem is I would greatly prefer total sobriety to highly functional alcoholism. Just not sure how to get there. AA doesn't get me there, as much as I love it, which I do greatly. The docs don't help much either and tend to prescribe textbook solutions that just make it worse.

awuh1

So, it would be fair to say you have lost the choice over whether you will drink or not?

Or, would you say it's difficult to not drink that one time a week and you want it to be easy(er)?

If there is a third possibility it eludes me.

gincognito

Yes of course. It is fair to say I have lost the choice over whether I will drink or not.

I will drink when the disease demands it, which is apparently about once a week. It's a beautiful sense of release to say that and to realize the disease owns it. That's life isn't it, the acceptance that I am no longer in charge?

sugarbear1

Have you worked those 12 steps?

awuh1

Then I assume that there is a function that the drinking serves. The task then would be to identify what that need is, and then to find a more healthy way of fulfilling it.

Soberella66

Maybe you need to get in touch with your 'spiritual side'? What I know is that there is staying away from alcohol (staying 'dry') and then there is 'living sober'.
Some books on spirituality and 'living sober' that have helped me in the past are by Dr. Wayne Dyer (a recovered alcoholic himself), Eckhart Tolle, Dennis Wholley, and the AA guide book 'Living Sober' is very helpful in dealing with the more practical aspects of alcoholism. Good luck and take care.

silentrun

At the risk of being outspoken myself here Gincognito...IF you have done any damage to your brain's ability you must completely abstain from alcohol to reverse it. Not saying you have but I did. I didn't even realize it until it started reversing. So I even if I could have moderated forever (I didn't want to I wanted to go swimming in a never ending whiskey coke) I would have missed out on so much. Be well Gin.

Vandermast

put the whip away

gincognito

A function that the drinking serves? OK. It serves to make me wealthy and stable. Cause I can keep on achieving without thinking, and when I start to thinking I think about how my best friend did himself in. There ain't nothing gonna make me feel better about that.

ScottFromWI

What exactly are you asking for then?

gincognito

Isn't it painfully obvious? I'm looking for company and sympathy.

ScottFromWI

You will certainly find company. And support if you seek sobriety.

gincognito

So bring the company already. I'm going to my friend's grave and when I come back I'd love some support.

NoJimmy

I was the same on all fronts, it's escapism (IMO). It felt like holding my breath all week, I could suffer the anxiety of dealing with stress knowing I could kill the noise on Friday.
Here's what I discovered in just a short time of sobriety (39-days today). I don't really miss it, and I seem to be evening out personality wise, and health wise. I've always been into fitness, I was rarely 100% for training on Monday, maybe Tuesday/Wednesday. I've become leaner, I process food better, and I used to always have heartburn and borderline high blood pressure, all gone now.
It's you're business if you decide to quit, but there's far more benefits than you may be aware of. How about the extra years of life? Point is, functional or not, there will be a price to pay for the excess. And just because it hasn't progressed yet, doesn't mean it won't in the future. My .02