CloudySunshine

Letting go of my drinking is letting go of my resentment toward relatives. I hate that my mother dislikes me. I hate that I don't have a father. Even when I try to build the relationships I get the football arm to keep away that I'm not good enough.

My mom measures success by how much money I have. at 44 I realize I will not have 1mil like my brothers. She says 'What happened to you'. When she introduces me she says 'This is my great disappointment'. When I gussy up she says 'she think she's cute'

When I meet someone nice and self sufficient she says
why does he want you, you have nothing'

When I'm dating shey says ' live the **** life if you want'

I'm a bridesmaid for my friend' she says to her 'thank you for letting her in'.

I'm not good enough for the good people and I'm too good for the bad people. What do do~

Dee74

I let go of the toxic people in my life - even the relatives.

It wasn't easy...I copped a lot of flak...but lifes too short be be around people who perpetually bring you down.

Good supportive understanding friends are worth their weight in gold

D

suki44883

I'm sorry, CS. Unfortunately, we cannot choose our parents. Sometimes they are cruel without realizing how cruel they are. Sometimes, they do realize it. It's just sad that kids sometimes have to grow up with such parents.

I would like to say that you don't have to measure yourself by her cruelty. You really don't. But, at the same time, when a person has been raised by someone who belittles them constantly, me saying you don't have to accept that doesn't mean a whole lot.

I hope you can find the strength to realize that you are your own person. You can make your life what YOU want it to be and her opinion be damned. Sometimes, family can be toxic. Once we gather the strength to believe in ourselves, we can let those relationship go, or at least, let what they say roll off our back and not let it affect us.

Hang in there, hon. Your life will be what you make it and what others think of you is none of your business. ((((HUGS))))

ScottFromWI

Control things you can, like your drinking. Let others that measure their success by tearing you down know that they need not be a part of your life. You do this by getting sober and tanking care of yourself first.

oak

I don't understand that statement. How is letting go of drinking related to letting go of resentment towards relatives?

I cut off from everyone in my family for many years. I am now close to one relative. I needed space from my biological family in order to heal. At times, I wonder if my mom is okay, but I would be giving up part of myself if I got close to her. Not worth it.

I don't know what you should do, but I hope you find what you need.

BoxinRotz

Well... This is about the time I'd put the bottle down, grab the chain saw and cut that limb from the family tree and move on.

In other words... no contact!

P.S. She sound just like my Mother who is known as... The Princess in our family. I don't deal with her. At ALL! I don't call her. I don't acknowledge her. I just leave her to her miserable self. If she gets to close to me, I remind her what an ass I really am. It usually works. Individual mileage may vary.

kaonashi

That's so unfortunate.

Be confident and proud of who you are and the journey you are on. Realize that validation and support is not going to come from her.

You, just as you are perfect for all of us here. You have our support.

ippochick

that is unbelievably cruel.

my mother used to carry a school photograph of me, aged thirteen. if she had to introduce me to anyone she would show them the photo as well and say 'this is before she started to let me down'. thanks, mum.

i have been no-contact with her for almost six years and it is one of the healthiest actions i have ever taken.

don't let someone drag you down like that - you're worth so much more.

jade2112

My mother reviled in seeing me humiliated and never liked me at all. Her abuse boardered on torture.

I had a counselor tell me to cut all ties from her, which I did. Best advice I've ever gotten and stuck to.

It's hard, but why keep letting someone make you feel so bad. Make yourself happy.

KateL

Yes, it is unfortunate but I would cut ties with her. You don't need her approval anyway. You don;t need anyone's.

Sudz No More

I agree with most here, distance yourself from her. There's no need for that kind of bad energy in your life.

tootsl1

Cloudy, please do not allow your mothers warped sense of success colour the person you are. It sounds like she has major issues and you need her around just now like you need a hole in the head. Stopping seeing her will not stop her words from reverberating around your mind though, for this you may need counselling, so that you learn to see yourself the way other nicer people see you.
Stick around here for some major ego boosting honey!

GracieLou

I understand this. I do. I felt that way for many years.

I remember when I was child at this time of year and I thought I would be better off on the island of misfit toys. I was not good enough to be with the others but not broken enough to be just discarded.

I know the perception I had of myself and that I had towards others held me back from letting go.

The first thing I had to do was work on myself. This was the key. It was the first step in changing how I felt. I had to let got of how others felt about me and step into the light and see how I felt about me. They say when you point at others three fingers are pointing back.

I had to take that and work on my own resentments, my anger and my part in them. I used to feel if I let them go I was letting myself go. They defined me for so long I did not know how to behave without them. I learned and you can learn to.

The first step was to stop wishing or hoping that how others looked at me would change. That is not going to happen. I had to accept that. I am the one that needed to change and not with that small wish in my pocket that if I did enough their view would be altered. I had to do it for me because no matter what others think, I am worth it and you are too.

We deserve happiness.

PhaseTwo

Wow. I hope you realize that it is your mother who has something wrong with her not you. I echo what everyone said, cut ties with her. It sounds like she is depressed herself and taking it out on you. I think she is trying to make you upset because she resents the fact that she herself is miserable.

CloudySunshine

Thanks for the replies. It's lifted me up. I try to distance my mother but distancing her puts strain on my relationship with others. We have a small family. Where I live it's me my mom my aunt and my kids and grandkids. When we have events its at her house. If I don't show up it's all about me being a loser.

Thanksgiving was ok because none of my brothers came to town. So I was able to sit and hang out instead of going to another room because I feel so tense.

Again ~ Thanks....it means a lot that people respond to ME.

fini

Letting go of my drinking is letting go of my resentment toward relatives.

Cloudy,

i'm curious how the two letting go's are connected for you.
do you mean that when/if you were to let go of drinking you'd need to let go of resentments in order to quit drinking? or that the resentments are falling away as you've quit drinking? or something entirely different...?

one of the really tough things for me has been that ongoing little bit of hope and expectation that at some time just once for a minute my mom will be the mom i needed. the mom i needed when i was small and young. letting go of the resentment and hurt that she wasn't/isn't has been a long drawn-out process.
and it's been tough to re-configure myself...there were times i thought that anger and resentment were what held me together. and drink, of course.
not so

GracieLou

I wanted to add, expectations of others are just premeditated resentments.

That was one of the first things I heard but it took a minute to sink in. It is also something I have to remind myself of, sometimes on a daily basis.

When I want people to be someone they are not or do something I think they should do or should have done, I resented them for it. I had to stop and realize these were my expectations, not theirs.

I had lowered my own bar so many times but never anyone else's. What I expected of them remained, in my mind, where I thought it should be.

When I got sober I started to raise my bar a little bit. With the help of the AA program I was able to see these resentments and the anger I held due to these expectations. When I did that I also had to completely remove the bar I had placed on others. This was my doing and I had to let it go. I am not great at it and there are times I slap that bar back in place with my own ideas and that results in anger and frustration. If I let it fester long enough, a resentment will grow again and this time, unlike all the other times, I can see it and I can feel it.

I can do this today because I have cleared the old resentments away and I am sober. That free feeling suddenly gets heavy and when it does, I need to let go again. To look at myself and see where I have placed an expectation on that person and remove it, again.

I will continue to work on them because it keeps my side of the street clear and that keeps me sober. I cannot afford to carry around baggage of the past nor any new ones. It will eat me alive if I let it.

So take some time to think about expectations. Even if you feel in your heart of hearts you are right, is it better to be right or free and happy?