QuickBen

I've posted six times total here. I come and I go and I never stick around. Each of my posts have been overly nuanced. Each one full of questions and excuses and anxiety and fear. This one is different. It has to be.

I turn 30 in March. I have a problem. I'm extremely, extremely good at concealing it. I have a dream job at a company I've wanted to work for for the past 6 years. I'm surrounded by good friends and an incredibly loving, devoted girlfriend. I wouldn't call them enablers but they know me to be an anxious, neurotic, hypochondriac personality so when I try to allude to them that I worry about my drinking, they usually dismiss it as part and parcel of my usual anxieties.

But they can't know my heart and my mind; only I can. They can't know what I know, which is that I'm utterly dependent on alcohol. They can't know that beneath my subtle, conversational comments and texts like "Man, I drank way too much for a weeknight last night for absolutely no good reason. I'm worried about my drinking" there's actually a prisoner screaming for help.

I want to plug in here. I don't know what that looks like or how to dive in. But I know I need help. Meetings may be the next step but frankly they scare the **** out of me. Meetings involve interaction. Meetings involve being in a room with other people. Which is something that I used to love and be great at before my drinking overtook me. Now, I'm good at pretending that I love it and am great at it for my work, for my social life, but drinking has sapped all the color and joy out of it.

I'm rambling now. My point is this. I'm committing to being regularly present here as my first step. I know I'll probably need to take more. But it's when I start to think about the thousand steps and possible paths that lie between me and getting free that I feel lost, helpless, and overwhelmed. So this is me doing something. I'm not sure what. Planting a flag or something. Admitting without fear and without a thousand questions about withdrawals and blah blah blah that I need help.

doggonecarl

Lot of ways to use the forum if you are serious about quitting. Emphasis on USE the forum. There are weekend support threads, as well as monthly ones.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-2-a.html

Rice

I'm in a very similar place to you. If we both stick around on the forums - we can help each other get past this.

QuickBen

Don't know why, but those two sentences helped a lot. I feel like I've built a wall around myself and the bricks are made of my lies and self-delusions. Not feeling completely alone and insane is.. really refreshing. Thanks.

Rice

No problem. It's something I've always needed saying to me.

Music

Welcome QuickBen. I'm thrilled you're here. You've taken a big step. The reason I say that is if you read How It Works in the AA Big Book, the first paragraph mentions honesty a number of times and finishes by saying that one of the biggest problems is the inability for us to be honest with ourselves. Sounds like you're tuning into that gift of looking at yourself and admitting there is a problem. Trust me. The safest place in the world for someone like you is at an AA meeting. To say at a meeting what you said in your post is the first step to success in AA. I was told that I should probably do the thing that's the hardest for me to do, and admitting to myself and to others that I'm not on the inside, what I appear to be on the outside was scary. I'm tempted to tell you to get all your friends together, without any alcohol, sit them down and level with them, holding nothing back and then ask for their help and understanding. Your "friends" will support you. Then, check for meetings in your area and get started. Most meetings I attend ask if there are any newcomers present and that's your opportunity to introduce yourself and let people know where you're at. Listen, and then ask for phone numbers of people you can call for a chat. You don't have to hurt any more. Being phony around your friends has to hurt. Give them the opportunity to be real friends and a chance to more fully understand you. Keep coming back.

freshstart57

Hi, Ben, congratulations on your post here, and moving towards your solution to your concerns about drinking. You seem to be self aware to a great extent, and this understanding can take you where you wish to be.

You can believe that you deserve a life without this alcohol messing you up, and you can believe that you will have it. You can also believe in yourself, and your ability to do what is right for you.

Are you ready to make your plan about continuing to use alcohol?

Jfanagle

Years ago another sober member of AA gave me some very good, and really quite simple advice. I thought I would share it with you.

I was complaining that after a few years of sobriety I wasn't as happy as I had been at the beginning of my sober living. He looked at me and said, "Think back to what you were doing when you were happy, and DO IT AGAIN."

In your writings you said, "Meetings involve being in a room with other people. Which is something that I used to love and be great at before my drinking overtook me."

You might want to decide if you were happy when you were socially interactive then it may be that you need to do that again, even if it is difficult at first. It will get easier with time and you may find that like so many of us, it isn't the drinking that makes you unhappy, but that when you are unhappy you drink. There are many places to be interactive, however AA meetings are one good place and what the heck, if you already have a drinking problem they will most likely let you in!

Just my experience,

Jon

0percentABV

Could these symptoms be caused by your drinking? I know when I stopped so did a lot of my "quirks." Or they were at least toned down.

Anyways, welcome. You made a great decision not only for yourself but everyone around you.

Dee74

I went from 'none could know' to 'everyone knows' in the space of 6 months so it's great you're here now Ben

I plugged myself into SR and posted and read daily...I think doing that will be a great foundation for a continued recovery.

Hope to see you around regularly

D

Hevyn

QuickBen - you didn't ramble at all - I understood & related to everything you said. I was the same way.

I didn't do anything about my warning signs. I kept insisting I would use willpower to manage my drinking. I couldn't imagine letting go of it. As a result, I allowed it to turn my life into chaos and tear it to shreds. This will not be you. You are going to win this battle and have a new life. Be proud of being self aware - for coming here and owning what's going on. You can do this QB.

GracieLou

We all need help. That is why we are here and doing some type of recovery.

Just try and remember, one day at a time. I know that is hard sometimes but try not to look at yesterday or tomorrow, just today.

I used to be a social creature. I was not as a teenager but when I started drinking I was. I loved people and I love to interact. The steady progression from alcoholism took that away from me. I became a shell of a person that had a boat load of fear. I became totally isolated. Other than going out for my job and some small shopping trips I stayed home and drank.

I took a leap of faith in AA. It took a minute or two but now at almost 8 months sober I have found that the one thing that I loathed most while sitting at home was the one thing that would drag me back from the abyss. People.

I have once again found the real me. I love to interact and I love people. I love to be around them, to talk with them and to hug them. I am that happy social creature again and I am that way without the alcohol. That surprised me. I always thought it was the booze that gave me the courage to be social but that is not the case. I still have my moments when I need or want to be alone but even when I am alone, I am not lonely.

I have found many things that I thought I had lost or grown out of. The real me is coming back and I get to experience things again that I had missed because I was drunk the first time. I will never get most of it back, to much time has gone by, but even the small things I do get, I am so grateful for.

It all starts with day one. We all had that first day we reached out for help. You only need to accept the help and start your journey. I am glad you are here.

IOAA2

Welcome to a new happier life if you let it happen.

"Meetings may be the next step but frankly they scare the **** out of me. Meetings involve interaction. Meetings involve being in a room with other people."

I look at meetings as like a dose of daily meds +. They are a great remember when, an opportunity to listen for a pearl I might need to hear, an opportunity to perhaps help someone and on and on.

At meetings we don't even need to say our name by saying "I'll just listen" which is common for many there. This gets us to hear what's being said. It would help you if you just gave your first name and indicated your new as it is a great ice breaker.

The big thing is we don't have to be religious, it helps if we acknowledge we individually are NOT a higher power and can let go of the ego a bit.

BE WELL

QuickBen

Thanks, everyone, for the encouragement and the counsel. I've started reading Under the Influence as of yesterday after writing that post; to be honest it's terrifying me.

I'm going to try to take every piece of advice offered here; I'll look into area meetings. I plan on calling my doctor Monday. I plan on writing out exactly what needs to be said and if I can't read it to him, just hand it to him and let him read it. I plan on staying here and posting in the November 2013 class thread.

I'm going to try and make today my Day 1. I know that might be foolish since I'm in a place of fear more than resolve. I also know I shouldn't mess around with withdrawals, but I was actually fairly close to 100% honest with my doctor some time ago about my drinking (the problem: I think I said everything to him but "LOOK, I AM AN ALCOHOLIC" because I was still deluding myself into believing I was just a "problem drinker) and he gave me a taper plan as well as a prescription to use in the event of withdrawals. I never followed the taper plan or touched the prescription, just kept on drinking.

TrixMixer

Hi Ben!

Welcome! I think the person you should be most honest with is yourself, which you seem to have been, by admitting you are alcohol dependent.

Your Doctor should be the second person you are honest with__So tell him you are an alcoholic and begin using the tapering advice and the meds he prescribed if needed. Use him for your accountability until you can find perhaps an addiction specialist.

Your friends might purposely overlook your hints at alcoholism because they themselves drink too much. Admitting you drink to much is a little too close to home.

You are doing all the right things for now , Ben, so keep it up and keep in touch!

All the Best ,
TrixxMixer

feeling-good

Hang in there QuickBen and absolutely use the prescription your doctor prescribed if you need it. Many have been where you are and many are recovering. My thoughts are with you.

Doug39

w

feeling-good

How are things going QuickBen?