Tetra

Well I will be honest. I have had a ****** day. I feel constantly on edge, and I am constantly getting "advice"..."I think you should" or "You should do this"...

I went to the cinema with a friend. We went to see "Diana: The Movie", (which was rubbish btw). I walked slowly back to my friends house.

Along the way, I passed by a shop. So I went in and bought a bottle of wine and a packet of cigarettes. I hid them both in my bag.

I went back to my friends. She went to take a shower, and I took the wine out of my bag and looked at it for a while. Then I took the cigarettes and went outside. I smoked three cigarettes, one after the other. (I don't know why I did this, I haven't smoked in ages!) I stayed on the balcony for a while. It's a very muggy evening, and I was just thinking about life.

I went back inside and flushed the wine down the toilet. I don't know why I bought it, but strangely, I feel better now...I don't know, I feel calmer or something. It's hard to explain...I feel almost proud. No matter how hard life is, I just don't have it in me to go back to hell again...

cejay

Good for you for the flush.

Remember any bad day with alcohol is going to get worse. The booze or fags aren't going to change much.

CJ

Tetra

Oh I know. I just felt so angry. I feel strangely calm now...

FeenixxRising

I'm glad you dumped the wine out. You probably feel better because dumping the wine empowered you--you were able to not drink even after spending money on the wine. Keep at it. The thoughts of drinking will decrease as you accrue more sober time.

robgt350

i think maybe you saw the light. i bought a bottle of vodka once and i had deep thought about it, and i poured it down the drain also. i felt foolish to spend money on it but the next day i was glad i did not get drunk.

Tetra

Foolish is exactly how I felt also when I thought about it. Thank you all for not judging me. I am very thankful for your support.

Love and hugs to all of you,
Tetra x

cardoon

Self awareness helps stop drinking! Stopping drinking makes you feel better! That was a great save! Keep goin...

Tetra

I also felt really ashamed when I was handing over my money. I was looking over my shoulder. But I was almost overjoyed when I flushed the toilet. I don't know...it felt like I was "high" when I flushed...

BackToSquareOne

Life is better without alcohol. It's never all peaches and cream, roses and sunshine but learning to roll with the flow does give you a new outlook. I welcomed my depression and told it we were going to have a great time together, eventually it lifted.

Received

Tetra what do you mean when you post you feel "strangely calm"?

Sobersunshine

Tetra, money well spent on that wine if it ended up in the toilet! Good job!

Tetra

I don't know. I was angry this morning...my mom and I had words. And I wept at my therapists office at my inability to stand up for myself. And when I flushed the toilet, I felt my hunched shoulders relax for the first time all day. That's what it felt like...just calmness... like there was no need for all the panic...sorry if it doesn't make sense...but it was like I was worrying over nothing...

Received

Makes perfect sense. I just want to know you are on strong footing now.

Sneaking and hiding the wine and cigarettes makes me think you may want to consider putting a plan into place should your AV get you to this point again.

This is so unlike the Tetra I "know" so it concerns me a bit.

zjw

I think its pretty cool what you did. I think about going and getting a bottle of something just so i can be deviant and stare at the bottle I have a feeling i'd end up pouring it. But the idea of the shame in the purchase keeps me from doing it and knowing I might just pour it anyhow says to me to just keep my money.

If you ever get the idea to do it again you might look back on this and go nah what if i end up just pouring it! that would be a waste I'll just keep my money!

good job!

Received

Hi Tetra. How are things going today?

Tetra

I have been feeling really down for the past day or so. I mean I have had two pretty major seizures as a result of my alcoholism but it is still calling out to me. I am tired and haven't been sleeping well. I feel like the world's worst alcoholic. There was nobody as bad as me.

I am trying to keep busy, but I really just want to hide away in bed. I spent some time this morning re-doing my C.V. Every job I see that might be suitable, I send in an application. Today I applied for a job at a fast food restaurant, and they messaged back to say that they liked my CV and would be in touch with an interview date. My dad was not too happy when I mentioned it. He said "of course they liked your CV, you are completely over qualified for that sort of work".

I feel like everything I do is wrong...

Tetra

I feel tired and sick and frightened. I just don't know what to do.

Regretter

I once threw several hundred pounds worth (pounds stirling in case you're on the imperial system in your country) of unbelievably good weed down the toilet as a symbolic gesture that it had a hold on me but that I was taking back the power of my own choice to be free of it.

I recommend trying, at least once, the down-the-toilet method to anyone who has a substance issue because for me, and you, and many others I know, it was empowering.

Well worth it in my opinion and I'm so happy someone else has done the same thing. You should feel proud for what you did because it has real value & meaning.


Bravo


Keep trying. Each daily success is worth far more than the occasional failure.

Tetra

Thank you Regretter.

Ok, I have finally gotten dressed, had some tea and toast and I feel a bit brighter.

Whatever happens, happens. I will cope. I have been to hell twice before and I got through it.

I haven't been able to get to a meeting in a few days. I am with my parents way out the country, but I am planning to go in the morning.

Yesterday I picked up two books: "Dry" by Augusten Burroughs, and "Drink: The Intimate Relationship Between Women and Alcohol" by Ann Dowsett Johnston...and this is my plan for the afternoon. I hope I enjoy them as much as I did "Drinking: A Love Story"...I cried when I read that book.

My therapist told me I'm too hard on myself. He said "you are not a bad person, you haven't murdered anyone, you have an illness..."

john44

Judging you? You're my new hero and I'm sure I'll be thinking about your courage all day!