25 years of boozing
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 1,095
25 years of boozing
Hello. I am a 50 year old married man. After 25 years of daily drinking, I am today 46 days sober. Half my life I spent either drunk or hungover.
My father was an alcoholic so I hated alcohol as a kid. But by age 25 I started using alcohol to be more social. This opened up a whole new life or bars, parties, new friends and one night stands.
At age 31 I met my wife in a bar and she drank as hard as I did. We had a child, got married and for the last 19 years lived a booze soaked life together.
But over the last several years the alcohol started to hurt me. I suffered anxiety and panic attacks, was overweight had high blood pressure and the hangovers were getting severe. My liver area and stomach always hurt. I vomited often.
On July 28, 2013 around 8 pm I took my last drink - not intending to get sober.
I went to a doctors appointment the next day and even with the 2 meds on was on for high blood pressure it was still high. The doctor also wanted me to try zoloft and stop drinking.
And here I am today feeling great. The biggest challenge is that fact that my wife is still a daily drinker and the life we had going to bars, wineries, parties etc. is now over for me and being sober is actually hurting my marriage. But my wife feels she doesn't have a problem even through she gets drunk most nights.
My father was an alcoholic so I hated alcohol as a kid. But by age 25 I started using alcohol to be more social. This opened up a whole new life or bars, parties, new friends and one night stands.
At age 31 I met my wife in a bar and she drank as hard as I did. We had a child, got married and for the last 19 years lived a booze soaked life together.
But over the last several years the alcohol started to hurt me. I suffered anxiety and panic attacks, was overweight had high blood pressure and the hangovers were getting severe. My liver area and stomach always hurt. I vomited often.
On July 28, 2013 around 8 pm I took my last drink - not intending to get sober.
I went to a doctors appointment the next day and even with the 2 meds on was on for high blood pressure it was still high. The doctor also wanted me to try zoloft and stop drinking.
And here I am today feeling great. The biggest challenge is that fact that my wife is still a daily drinker and the life we had going to bars, wineries, parties etc. is now over for me and being sober is actually hurting my marriage. But my wife feels she doesn't have a problem even through she gets drunk most nights.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Hi doniker and welcome to SR!
Congratulations on 46 days of sobriety.
This place helped me turn my life around. There's a lot of support here and many members who have gone through the same situation you're in (with a drinking spouse). Just know that you're doing the very best thing in the world for the both of you and stay strong!
Congratulations on 46 days of sobriety.
This place helped me turn my life around. There's a lot of support here and many members who have gone through the same situation you're in (with a drinking spouse). Just know that you're doing the very best thing in the world for the both of you and stay strong! Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Long Beach, CA
Posts: 705
I'm totally impressed that you have turned your life around. It must be very hard for both of you, but you can only be responsible for your own sobriety. Of course it's hurting your marriage...this is a major change. But it is absolutely a change for the better, and as you demonstrate the benefits of a clean and sober life, health, mood, even social (you'll find that there are many amazing things to do that don't involve drinking), hopefully your wife will start to pay attention, and begin to want what you have.
You are very smart to stop drinking now. My Mom drank all her life and had the high blood pressure that went with it. Now, at 77, she has vascular dementia as a result of chronic high blood pressure, and can't even remember my name. Her life is so small and sad now. I'm sure that if she had known what was in store for her, she would have stopped years ago.
You are very smart to stop drinking now. My Mom drank all her life and had the high blood pressure that went with it. Now, at 77, she has vascular dementia as a result of chronic high blood pressure, and can't even remember my name. Her life is so small and sad now. I'm sure that if she had known what was in store for her, she would have stopped years ago.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
Congrats on 46 days sober!
Both of my, now ex-spouses, drank as hard as I did. The first is dead as a direct result of alcoholism. The second is still out there qualifying for the same fate. I left them both because they were alcoholics.
It took me until I was 44 years old to see that I was one too. It must be difficult to be around another that drinks when you are sober but try and remember they are as sick as you have been. I pray for the alcoholic that still suffers. The hard part is they do not know they are suffering. I want to shake some sense into them but I cannot. I got to that point on my own and they have to do the same.
Both of my, now ex-spouses, drank as hard as I did. The first is dead as a direct result of alcoholism. The second is still out there qualifying for the same fate. I left them both because they were alcoholics.
It took me until I was 44 years old to see that I was one too. It must be difficult to be around another that drinks when you are sober but try and remember they are as sick as you have been. I pray for the alcoholic that still suffers. The hard part is they do not know they are suffering. I want to shake some sense into them but I cannot. I got to that point on my own and they have to do the same.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 1,095
Originally Posted by davaidavai 
That sounds like a very difficult situation to be in. How does it make you feel when she drinks?
I don't like her drinking but I know I can't control her. She has to want to make the change for herself.
Her drinking and my sobriety is hurting our marriage because we are spending next to no time together. We both work a lot and don't see each other but a few hours a day as is - but now once she gets buzzed and starts to ramble on and get more and more drunk I leave the room because she is irritating and I go find something else to do.
We used to go out to bars together and talk and drink, but now that won't work. She will get buzzed and I will be sober and I get annoyed with her.
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: KC MO
Posts: 980
Congrats on 46 days sober. I also had high blood pressure. I took medicine for it over 10 years. I was kind of disappointed when it didn't come down right away like other people on here claim. But low and behold,after a year or so it did come down. I havn't taken BP medicine in over 3 years. It was like most things when it comes to adapting to sobriety. It all takes time and patience.
The only thing I can say about your wife,is set an example. While she might claim to have no problem,I bet deep down she knows otherwise. I also bet she envies what you are doing. Like you say,quitting needs to be her idea. And I think the best way to do that is to get her to want what you have.
Just my opinion.
Fred
The only thing I can say about your wife,is set an example. While she might claim to have no problem,I bet deep down she knows otherwise. I also bet she envies what you are doing. Like you say,quitting needs to be her idea. And I think the best way to do that is to get her to want what you have.
Just my opinion.
Fred
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
Doniker your wifes drinking issues are her drinking issues and your drinking issues are your drinking issues do your best to try and not mingle the 2 which it sounds like your doing a good job. IE its probably best to not go preaching to your wife about the harms of alcohol per say or put yoruself in a situation with her where you might be inclined to pickup. Its easier for someone to pull you down then for you to pull someone up.
I have some issues with my wife she doesnt drink. But some things that shes always done never bothered me when i drank. Well now that I'm sober it can drive me nuts. One such example is snoring. It can drive me insane!!! But I keep in mind this wife of mine tolerated my chainsaw snoring for 12 years of our marriage while iw as going to bed drunk night in and night out. She tolerated a whole hell of a lot of other stuff from me too and still didnt walk away. So I keep that in mind when i get a bit frustrated.
I also had to quit drinking because of anxiety and panic attacks. It was a last resort to try and end those panic attacks. Thankfully its worked. I do still have some issues but its waaaaaaaaay more manageable and I'm not on any meds etc..
It takes time each day you get a bit healthier. In time you'll look back and wonder how you made it all those years and count your lucky stars and never wanna go back to it. I dunno why I'm still alive. And i'm the healthiest now that I've ever been since i was probably 5 years old!
Life is still not perfect but I'm getting better at taking the good with the bad. and just moving forward.
I have some issues with my wife she doesnt drink. But some things that shes always done never bothered me when i drank. Well now that I'm sober it can drive me nuts. One such example is snoring. It can drive me insane!!! But I keep in mind this wife of mine tolerated my chainsaw snoring for 12 years of our marriage while iw as going to bed drunk night in and night out. She tolerated a whole hell of a lot of other stuff from me too and still didnt walk away. So I keep that in mind when i get a bit frustrated.
I also had to quit drinking because of anxiety and panic attacks. It was a last resort to try and end those panic attacks. Thankfully its worked. I do still have some issues but its waaaaaaaaay more manageable and I'm not on any meds etc..
It takes time each day you get a bit healthier. In time you'll look back and wonder how you made it all those years and count your lucky stars and never wanna go back to it. I dunno why I'm still alive. And i'm the healthiest now that I've ever been since i was probably 5 years old!
Life is still not perfect but I'm getting better at taking the good with the bad. and just moving forward.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
Oh and with your wifes rambling isnt it something? Its not often I'm around someone else who is drunk these days but when i am I see that person and I see myself and I see how I used to be and it disgusts me and makes me feel bad for that person.
Keep in mind if shes rambling and acting in ways you dislike while shes drinking its possible you did some of the same things and never really realized it till now. I know for me thats how it is. I see other people drunk and it can get under my skin and I have some compasion because I was there once. I'm no saint. I acted just like they do currently. I'm just happy I dont do that any more.
Keep in mind if shes rambling and acting in ways you dislike while shes drinking its possible you did some of the same things and never really realized it till now. I know for me thats how it is. I see other people drunk and it can get under my skin and I have some compasion because I was there once. I'm no saint. I acted just like they do currently. I'm just happy I dont do that any more.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Bellingham
Posts: 513
I'm single, but I'm still unclear on what brings people together. I wish there was a more vital experience of togetherness that was accessible. Sounds like you are handling it fairly well. Al-anon would probably be useful if you want to understand what works and what doesn't in addressing it.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: FL
Posts: 698
I can relate. Although my husband doesn't drink alcoholicly, my sobriety has certainly changed the social and romantic dynamics of our relationship. Have you attempted to plan a date that doesn't involved drinking? Such as a ballroom dancing class, a kayak trip, or musical/play.
Sometimes I wonder if my husband wishes I still drank. I don't really care. I wouldn't go back to the way I was living for anybody! We had a pretty bad summer, with lots of fighting. Just a couple of weeks ago I told him I thought we needed to separate. Because my sanity comes before any relationship. I can't have a relationship, if I'm insane. If I'm drinking, I'm insane.
I like the Al-Anon suggestion. Or doing some reading on codependency issues. I have done some work and those programs, and it has been really helpful for me with both my husband and my teenage/young adult children.
Hang in there. Getting and staying sober is the best decision you ever made.
Sometimes I wonder if my husband wishes I still drank. I don't really care. I wouldn't go back to the way I was living for anybody! We had a pretty bad summer, with lots of fighting. Just a couple of weeks ago I told him I thought we needed to separate. Because my sanity comes before any relationship. I can't have a relationship, if I'm insane. If I'm drinking, I'm insane.
I like the Al-Anon suggestion. Or doing some reading on codependency issues. I have done some work and those programs, and it has been really helpful for me with both my husband and my teenage/young adult children.
Hang in there. Getting and staying sober is the best decision you ever made.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Originally Posted by davaidavai
I'm single, but I'm still unclear on what brings people together. I wish there was a more vital experience of togetherness that was accessible.
How many times have you heard someone say something like, "I just realized that I knew almost nothing about him/her?"
We generally behave in ways that we believe will make us appear more attractive to someone we want to be with. Sustaining a happy and healthy facade is virtually impossible after courtship. (That's part of why there's a special phase of getting together that's called 'courtship.' We all know that this honeymoon period is temporary.)
On the other side of this fragile coin is our partner's unwillingness to drop their illusions about us, even putting up with verbal and physical abuse, in the futile hope that we'll return to the lovely creatures we never were.
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