Setting boundaries with alcohol...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: London
Posts: 369
Setting boundaries with alcohol...
Okay so I'm a little annoyed about some members of my family (my dad) and their insensitivity to my situation with regard to alcohol. So my dad is all for me not drinking, seeing as it totally derails anything I do in life and I am basically disabled when in a period of drinking. So that's fine. But he's highly insensitive when he's around me with alcohol. I have no problem with people drinking around me. Doesn't tempt me in the slightest. But what I do have a problem with is some of the comments he makes about alcohol. Like if we have company he'll say to the guests things like "you look like you need a drink" and "I think I'd kill myself if it weren't for alcohol" (tongue in cheek of course) but he will make these comments right in front of me. Also I'm having a friend over tonight who loves beer and I said to my mum could you not buy any beer tonight for him because that's a little strange but my dad brought him several bottles. So while I'm not drinking he will be blabbing on to my friend about the selection of beer he's bought for him. I find it highly insensitive. I mean imagine if I'd been a marijuana addict and had that ruin my life and then I quit and my family and friends start lighting up joints after dinner because 'they can handle it and I can't' . That would be absurd but it seems because its alcohol they take a different view.
Anyway what boundaries, if any, did you set with people drinking around you. We're you comfortable with people drinking around you? Dd you ask people to not drink around you? I'm starting to feel this could become a hindrance to long term sobriety for me as everyone who doesn't have a 'problem' with alcohol seems to normalise it so much and yet treat smokers and marijuana users as dirty and unhealthy when either of those substances would have been far healthier for me personally than continuing drijnking.
Anyway what boundaries, if any, did you set with people drinking around you. We're you comfortable with people drinking around you? Dd you ask people to not drink around you? I'm starting to feel this could become a hindrance to long term sobriety for me as everyone who doesn't have a 'problem' with alcohol seems to normalise it so much and yet treat smokers and marijuana users as dirty and unhealthy when either of those substances would have been far healthier for me personally than continuing drijnking.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Poconos PA
Posts: 1,544
It sounds insensitive coming from your father and you should have a calm conversation with him how you feel. Maybe he just doesn't realize it's hurting you and it may be his way of coping with an uncomfortable situation. That said, if having it around bothers you, he should be made aware of it and I would hope he would understand.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
I cannot set boundaries for anyone other than myself.
I can share my feelings and personal issues. After that it is up to me to protect my boundaries. If someone is doing something that is problematic to me, it is up to me to remove MYSELF from the situation.
I have done this with family members, close friends and jobs. I understand it is not always easy.
I can share my feelings and personal issues. After that it is up to me to protect my boundaries. If someone is doing something that is problematic to me, it is up to me to remove MYSELF from the situation.
I have done this with family members, close friends and jobs. I understand it is not always easy.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 4,225
Hi Matty....yes, it does seems a little insensitive of your Father and Mother, but I would suggest what has been suggested above.
Talk to them calmly, tell them you are trying your best and appreciate all their support to date, but some things are worrying you at the moment.
It is up to them if they take it seriously. I hope they do.
I'm actually wondering why there needs to be alcohol in the house.
Talk to them calmly, tell them you are trying your best and appreciate all their support to date, but some things are worrying you at the moment.
It is up to them if they take it seriously. I hope they do.
I'm actually wondering why there needs to be alcohol in the house.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
...as everyone who doesn't have a 'problem' with alcohol seems to normalise it so much
well yeah...if they don't have a 'problem' it IS "normal" for them
and yes, your dad seems insensitive to how his talk/behaviour is affecting you, but in all likelihood he's simply doing what he's always done...having a few drinks and offering them to others and talking about the ones he bought as a special treat for someone else....
when i first quit, i did ask one person if she could please not drink in front of me just for a little while, and that was okay. after that, though, i simply had to 'adjust'.
and ultimately, i didn't want to be treated as if i were some kind of invalid and needed special considerations. my longterm sobriety depends on what I do, not on what those around me do. that this can be tough and might call for changes in what you do ...yes, that's so.
well yeah...if they don't have a 'problem' it IS "normal" for them
and yes, your dad seems insensitive to how his talk/behaviour is affecting you, but in all likelihood he's simply doing what he's always done...having a few drinks and offering them to others and talking about the ones he bought as a special treat for someone else....
when i first quit, i did ask one person if she could please not drink in front of me just for a little while, and that was okay. after that, though, i simply had to 'adjust'.
and ultimately, i didn't want to be treated as if i were some kind of invalid and needed special considerations. my longterm sobriety depends on what I do, not on what those around me do. that this can be tough and might call for changes in what you do ...yes, that's so.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 457
I like having people drink around me, it gives me the chance to judge them and in turn feel better about myself.
Just kidding, there has been a few times it has bothered me but now I hardly give it a second thought.
Just kidding, there has been a few times it has bothered me but now I hardly give it a second thought.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
It took me quite some time to realize that boundaries are something I do for myself. It is my job to set and protect my boundaries which does mean I shoot everyone who crosses the perimeter. There will be folks who will violate that perimeter all your life. Anger is usually a great indication that someone is crossing your boundary.
You appear as an articulate and intelligent young man. In fact, you may possess more "emotional intelligence" than your dear father. Telling someone who has chosen not to drink because it harms them "you look like you need a drink"..it well, ridiculous. I am reminded of something I read that Dr. Phil (McGraw) said awhile back that his father used to say..."something about that boy I don't like about myself".
You father sounds like a man who doesn't really have a whole lot of insight into alcoholism or addiction in general. I'm guessing it bugs your dad that you "just can't be normal" in his eyes. But your dad's statement "if not for alcohol I'd kill myself"..is incredibly telling. It sounds like he himself is far too emotionally dependent on alcohol for his own growth.
In short, this is all your dad's "stuff"...and he is bothered perhaps that "your stuff" in in fact pretty mixed up in "his stuff".
People's decision to drink is not my business. My decision NOT to drink is my business. It is the little moat I have drawn around myself and that I man..pretty much alone....BUT with the support of my friends and resources in recovery.
Don't personalize your dad's "stuff"....that is precisely what he is doing with "yours" : )
You appear as an articulate and intelligent young man. In fact, you may possess more "emotional intelligence" than your dear father. Telling someone who has chosen not to drink because it harms them "you look like you need a drink"..it well, ridiculous. I am reminded of something I read that Dr. Phil (McGraw) said awhile back that his father used to say..."something about that boy I don't like about myself".
You father sounds like a man who doesn't really have a whole lot of insight into alcoholism or addiction in general. I'm guessing it bugs your dad that you "just can't be normal" in his eyes. But your dad's statement "if not for alcohol I'd kill myself"..is incredibly telling. It sounds like he himself is far too emotionally dependent on alcohol for his own growth.
In short, this is all your dad's "stuff"...and he is bothered perhaps that "your stuff" in in fact pretty mixed up in "his stuff".
People's decision to drink is not my business. My decision NOT to drink is my business. It is the little moat I have drawn around myself and that I man..pretty much alone....BUT with the support of my friends and resources in recovery.
Don't personalize your dad's "stuff"....that is precisely what he is doing with "yours" : )
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: London
Posts: 369
Originally Posted by Nuudawn 
It took me quite some time to realize that boundaries are something I do for myself. It is my job to set and protect my boundaries which does mean I shoot everyone who crosses the perimeter. There will be folks who will violate that perimeter all your life. Anger is usually a great indication that someone is crossing your boundary.
You appear as an articulate and intelligent young man. In fact, you may possess more "emotional intelligence" than your dear father. Telling someone who has chosen not to drink because it harms them "you look like you need a drink"..it well, ridiculous. I am reminded of something I read that Dr. Phil (McGraw) said awhile back that his father used to say..."something about that boy I don't like about myself".
You father sounds like a man who doesn't really have a whole lot of insight into alcoholism or addiction in general. I'm guessing it bugs your dad that you "just can't be normal" in his eyes. But your dad's statement "if not for alcohol I'd kill myself"..is incredibly telling. It sounds like he himself is far too emotionally dependent on alcohol for his own growth.
In short, this is all your dad's "stuff"...and he is bothered perhaps that "your stuff" in in fact pretty mixed up in "his stuff".
People's decision to drink is not my business. My decision NOT to drink is my business. It is the little moat I have drawn around myself and that I man..pretty much alone....BUT with the support of my friends and resources in recovery.
Don't personalize your dad's "stuff"....that is precisely what he is doing with "yours" : )
You appear as an articulate and intelligent young man. In fact, you may possess more "emotional intelligence" than your dear father. Telling someone who has chosen not to drink because it harms them "you look like you need a drink"..it well, ridiculous. I am reminded of something I read that Dr. Phil (McGraw) said awhile back that his father used to say..."something about that boy I don't like about myself".
You father sounds like a man who doesn't really have a whole lot of insight into alcoholism or addiction in general. I'm guessing it bugs your dad that you "just can't be normal" in his eyes. But your dad's statement "if not for alcohol I'd kill myself"..is incredibly telling. It sounds like he himself is far too emotionally dependent on alcohol for his own growth.
In short, this is all your dad's "stuff"...and he is bothered perhaps that "your stuff" in in fact pretty mixed up in "his stuff".
People's decision to drink is not my business. My decision NOT to drink is my business. It is the little moat I have drawn around myself and that I man..pretty much alone....BUT with the support of my friends and resources in recovery.
Don't personalize your dad's "stuff"....that is precisely what he is doing with "yours" : )
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by MattyBoy
Anyway what boundaries, if any, did you set with people drinking around you. We're you comfortable with people drinking around you? Dd you ask people to not drink around you?
1. I don't criticize them.
2. I tolerate them so long as they drink responsibly.
3. I leave when they drink too much or tempt me to drink with them.
I don't say much to them about my not-drinking nor do I say they should not drink. Instead I demonstrate my sobriety message or vote with my feet when that fails.
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