Roverwy

Hi all, thought I'd post this to get some feedback on other people's experiences and techniques for dealing with aggressive people.

I really struggle with this stuff because I am naturally open, considerate and try to be humble in meetings, and I believe this triggers some people to want to criticise, judge, control, diagnose and direct me.

Now my problem is how to deal with this stuff without drinking, smoking, gambling, or running away from the meetings where these people are.

I have talked with others and have some strategies which seem to work, and they are:

1-pray, ask my higher power for help, and in particular to help me forgive this person.

2- to see the person as sick, with possibly some deep pain from their past or current life that prevents them from being kind towards me.

3- try to be mindful of my own feelings, to pause between the onset of a feeling and taking any action.

The part I find hardest is the pause.

I naturally seem to react quickly and often what I do is answer questions that I don't really feel comfortable answering, then suddenly find myself in a position of being given trite, unwelcome and unrequested advice by someone who is making sweeping assumptions about me based on skeletal information.

My old habits are to run away physically or emotionally, but this is part of my disease as I see it, so I am trying to accept myself, accept my feelings, and stay present when I feel angry and upset by events such as these.

One other old reaction I can use is to be aggressive back at them, and though I might be able to "put them in their place" with such a technique, I actually don't want to hurt them emotionally or physically, so I am trying to not do this.

Last night I went to a big book study group and found myself feeling excluded because of the narrow, evangelical tone of some of the members of that group, and especially their ranting, aggressive manner and adamant opinions. I also felt that the scholarly looking people with massive leather bound big books full of highlights and attached notebooks/pen holders were in some ways very egotistically attached to their "knowledge" or "information" about the big book, as opposed to being present and available to communicate and love other human beings.

I really don't feel comfortable there so doubt I will return to that meeting, but I am also in recovery to question myself, to find new ways of thinking and acting - I don't want to live and think the old ways, I want a new me, therefore it is essential for me to question myself.

I am basically coping with this problem in this way:

Firstly I forgive myself, I love myself, I know that I am good, and that my higher power will look after me.

Secondly, I do not have to go to that particular meeting, nor be around people who are judgemental and non-accepting.

Thirdly, just for today, I am safe, I do not need to drink over this, I am not at that meeting right this minute so there is no problem.

My feelings are about something from the past that is not a problem in the now, and next Friday night I can choose whether I wish to go back to that meeting or to any other.

I am not obliged to attend that particular meeting.

Finally, I would like to allow myself to consider other options of how to deal with feelings like this in the future.

I wonder if I can accept and love these angry, adamant people "in the moment" while staying calm and present during that process.

I find it ironical that me, in early sobriety, is having to go through such a process of acceptance for older members (notice I omitted the "sober" bit?), while some with long term sobriety display such obvious intolerance toward newer members.

Bottom line: I go where there are people that have something I want, and I don't want to be dry of alcohol only. I want freedom from judgement, anger, and criticism.

My sponsor is great, with long term recovery, and a way of living that to me, embodies recovery.

doggonecarl

Welcome to SR. Looks like you are working on yourself. That's all you can do.

My only advice might be to lower your expectations about other people because unmet expectations lead to resentment. The world is full of jerks, the halls of AA included. Oh, and learn to identify your own judgmental tendencies. It might be something other people are picking up on.

How long have you been sober? Maybe you can stick around and help some newcomers.

artsoul

Welcome Roverwy!

I think it's great that you've been able to have some insight into your feelings/reactions and what you'd like to do differently than in the past. That, to me, was a big part of my recovery, plus learning to build myself up and be my own best friend. When I feel good about me, it doesn't matter so much what others are thinking.

I don't know how long you've been sober, but in my experience, it took a while to settle down emotionally, too. Things don't bother me now the way they affected me in early sobriety.

Congrats on your sobriety and welcome to SR!

karate

There will always be people in AA ,that failed to address the issues that made them drunks .

The good AA people out numner the a-holes by 10 -to 1 though .

drunkyjules

As they say some of us are sicker than others. There are all kinds of people in AA just like out in the real world. I've met a few that definitely pinged my radar for having motives I don't feel coincide with the AA values. Or the high and mighty people.....maybe it makes them feel better about their disease?

I say just keep going to meeting till you find ones your comfortable at. Work on your own character defects. And follow your instincts when it comes to trusting other people.

tomsteve

we grovel before no one and are no ones doormat. I feel there is nothing wrong with standing up for me. sometimes getting that acroos..well...the message has been right but the delivery brutal, but the point has gotten across.
yup, I gotta accept people the way they are, but I don't have to accept unacceptable behavior.