Breck

For the last several days, I've been awfully close to flushing 7 months of sobriety down the toilet and cracking open a beer. I know full well that one beer will lead to many more drinks. In the past I played the game of trying to convince myself that I'd "just have a few." I have gotten to the point where I know that I will NEVER just want to have a few. And needing to have a dozen leads to all kinds of dangerous behavior and leads to lying. A lot of lying.

I accept all that, yet I still have come very close to drinking a beer anyway. The main reason I have refrained from drinking is something I read here several weeks ago. Someone wrote about how the first drink after a stretch of sobriety is like pushing a "Reset Button" for all of the neurotransmitters that took so long to get back into order after quitting.

In other words, I'm avoiding that fateful first drink because I believe that with my next attempt at sobriety I will have to re-experience the weeks of pain and depression that I felt when I quit in December.

I really loved drinking. I miss it a lot. I rarely, if ever, felt the hatred of drinking that many here talk about. I never really hit "rock bottom" because I have an amazing wife who convinced me to walk away from alcohol before it caused complete and utter devastation. So far, so good, but I still long for booze.

SR has come through for me again. When all rational thought has failed me and I'm about to crack open a beer, I remember that comment about the Reset Button and how much I do NOT want to endure the process of early sobriety again.

Dee74

I dunno about all the science but I know from past experience every time I drank I found myself back at Ground Zero again - sometimes quickly, sometimes more slowly, but inevitably....

D

karate

I agree with the receptor reset ,But you are past that now.

Towords the end i did not enjoy drinking ,still remember the terrible ,tortured last day in may 2012 .


I read in the big book -immesureable mental and psysical suffering -i did that one ,Hell yes ,got the T shirt .

EndGameNYC

I drank after twenty five years, in part thinking that I may no longer be an alcoholic or, at least, that I did not have to drink the way I did before I got sober. What happened is that I made myself much worse than I had ever been, and in every way imaginable. It took three years and a lot of blood, sweat and tears for me to get sober again. If I continue to do what I'm doing, and if I continue to think the way I'm thinking, I'll never have to do that to myself again.

A guy I know in AA had about thirty years of sobriety. When he relapsed, he told me that he referred to the popular theory that the cells in our bodies regenerate or are replaced by new cells every seven years. In his mind, all his alcoholic cells were no longer active for at least four cycles, and so he could then drink safely. Lucky for him, he was able to get back to sobriety fairly quickly. I was not so fortunate.

davaidavai

The reset button resonates with me in terms of psychological and spiritual growth. Look at Keith Richards. . Like you, I don't want to forget. There's a chance this side of things, to grow in life in a way. I don't think there's really a chance the other way, to have the rich experience we are designed to have.

RobbyRobot

This loving of drinking, if honest, will be problematic as you continue to remain a non-drinker. You know, I think "rock bottoms" are whatever we say they are, and even we say what they are not - either way we call them for ourselves for all our own reasons and experiences is my thinking.

Having an amazing wife is a real blessing. I hope you realize how your love for drinking is selfishly competing with your loving appreciation for your wife, at least that is how I see your wording coming across.

Still longing for booze is not the best appreciation for being grateful for not drinking. I remember how I used to feel that way too. Something had to give for me, and eventually my saying goodbye to drinking also meant I didn't continue to long for it.

7 months is way awesome!!

Lose your frustration troubles and keep going with your new sober living life-style. Don't trash yourself with drinking.

artsoul

All I know is that if I give in even an inch, it will that much harder not to make an exception in the future. It will only make the cravings stronger.

What is it you want from drinking? If you can identify what it is, you can start looking for a healthy way to get similar "benefits."

I agree about starting over - it doesn't sound like fun at all... Hang in there!

Breck

Thanks Robby. As a "functional alcoholic" surrounded by lots of functional alcoholics, I have gotten essentially zero tough, straight talk from people about my alcohol problem (except from my wife, who's been telling it to me straight since the day she realized what a problem I had). I once told a counselor in college that I thought I was an alcoholic and that alcohol was ruining my life -- she told me that I should just cut down on my drinking! Gotta love the infrastructure built into our country that helps to keep people drinking even when they recognize what a poison alcohol can be.

I agree that the thoughts about alcohol are creating unnecessary marital strain.

I hope I'm getting to the point when I think less and less about alcohol. Perhaps I need to more completely embrace the concept that I will NEVER, EVER drink again.

I pray each morning in thanksgiving for the strength to remain sober, and I ask God to give me the strength to remain sober for the coming day. I guess this is my version of "one day at a time." But your post makes me think that I'd better broaden my thinking... Keep going one day at a time, yes, but also commit to the idea that alcohol will never again enter my body.

Just typing that phrase is helping to lift a weight off my shoulders.

RobbyRobot

Awesome. You have a great attitude and an openness for learning. Way cool.

I don't know that embracing you'll never drink again will itself serve at working to remove any lingering longings for future drinking. I'm thinking some broader introspection focused on other wants that are really about you, ie they are in a selfish manner or nature other than alcohol - looking at these might help you make some judgements as to just how unrealistic is your longing for alcohol given your success with the last seven months. Of course, never drinking again is itself a worthy enterprise too!

silentrun

Congratulations on your 7 months. If I had not slipped I would be at 6. It was 3 drinks and yeah, it did screw something up. Not all the way back to square 1 but some of the depression came back. A lot of people will say it's not like you remember and they are right.
No "bottom" hitting for me either. Lots of pain but the destruction was yet to come. At first I struggled with the am I or am I not an actual alcoholic. Pretty hard when people around you don't see it. Supposedly it takes about 2 years for the brain to properly heal. So zero alcohol for that long. After that I can tackle the am I or am I not. If I am adverse to alcohol then I am not. If I start thinking I can moderate then I am. Because only an addict would risk so much to have a few now and then.

gravity

Something I heard in an AA meeting recently:

If you pick up a drink now, it will be like no time at all has passed since your last drink.

I believe that. I've seen it over and over. there is just no way to rationalize that I will ever be able to drink like a normal person.

soberclover

We are pretty close in sober time. During my first start at recovery I was clean and sober for 13 years. My relapse on alcohol lasted 8 years. And it was worse. I ended up getting divorced, lost my house, totalled my car, and ended up in the hospital on two different occasions with a head injury. The medical piece and wrecking my car was during the last two years. My last binge and head injury was the wake up call I needed. I'm still dealing with the brain injury and it has been 8 months. I look better on the outside but the inside is still healing. I have in all of my experience as a person in recovery as well as a professional in the clinical field to yet find a true alcoholic report to me that they were able to start drinking again and "everything is just fine". Drinking isn't worth losing what you have. What do you need to do to change your mindset about drinking?

Michael66

Hi Breck

If I'm reading between the lines correctly it sounds like your wife did not love your drinking as much as you did. When we see our drinking from the perspective of others then it may not be as lovable as it first seems to us.

Anyways, that's just a thought.

God bless +

Michael

jimv

seven month is major feat!!!!! wow i made it there before then i had one beer to mess it up... if you do drink your going to regret it like i did after having 7 months clean even tho they say dont down yourself for your "slip" i couldnt stop beating my self down so i came back here and recomitted using the 24 hr sign in also just my three sense.....