LuxAeterna

So it isn't news to me that in sobriety we often have to choose some new friends. For example, hanging out with people with unacknowledged drinking problems isn't a good place for us. However, is this the only reason we need more friends?

I was out with a friend a few days ago, who I hadn't seen for a while, and I mentioned in passing that we hadn't seen for a while, and that it would be nice to meet a bit more often so that we have time to discuss some of the more difficult things in life also. And she said to me that she spends 90% of her life dealing with ****, she's in a really good mood right now and doesn't want to ruin it by talking about things that will bring her down. Mmmm. Ouch.

It was a bit of a wake up call for me, that most of my friendships are superficial in many respects. None would be tempting me to drink directly. But attempts to be honest are often met with (in this case) dismissal, or in other cases advice (and then rejection if I disagree with the advice or remind them I was never asking for any). And in one case, criticism and judgement.

It is a reminder that, even when making friends, I have been eager to put someone else's needs above my own. My relationship with alcohol has been very similar. So the questions are, do I need to rethink even the non-alcoholic friends? Is it selfish to put my needs first? Is it sensible to risk being even more lonely in the short-term, for the benefit of being more true to myself and to get opportunities to develop more meaningful relationships in the future? Does anyone have any experiences with these issues?

hypochondriac

I have had very similar experiences LuxAeterna. I had gone to see some very old friends recently and I realised that only one friendship was not superficial enough to enable me to be entirely honest. In my more recent friendships too, only one or two are 'deep' relationships where we can talk about this stuff. One friend, who is a very loyal person and someone I can always rely on, nonetheless always says 'well that's none of my business really' if I say anything too personal. Another who I often discuss deep stuff with will also shut off if I mention anything about sexual relationships. I had a very traumatic experience once of a romantic nature and when I told her she just didn't even respond. I might as well have been talking to a brick wall. Another friend only wants to hear about romantic stuff as he has absolutely no understanding of mental health issues and I guess little sympathy. I still keep these people as friends though. No one person is perfect and everyone has their strengths and weaknesses.

I have noticed one similarity in the relationships I have that are honest though, and that is that the other person has had their struggles too. I think that is why I have to have friends who are recovering alcoholics, because other people just don't get it or don't want to talk about it.

Maybe the best thing to do is just make sure you are friends with anyone you like, not just who is useful to you. But if someone is toxic to you and doesn't support you then it's dangerous to have them around. I had to drop at least one long term friendship for this reason. But there is a difference between not being supportive and not wanting to talk about it at length.

GracieLou

I drank most of the people out of my life so you can take what I say with a grain of salt.

In my life right now most of my friends are in AA. They are my support system. We share our pain and our happiness. I would not be able to discuss my drinking with anyone but these people as they understand and are not critical or judgmental. If I have something to discuss I go these to people. If I want to hang out, I go with these people. I feel the relationship I am building with them is going to be life long.

I am friends with one person who is a drinker. He complains, he procrastinates, his thinking is not clear and he has no direction in his life. I listen. I don't judge or give unsolicited advice. In the grand scheme of our friendship I don't get anything out of being his friend if I was to sit and create a list but that is not my goal. He is my friend. I believe he is in my life for a reason that has not yet been revealed to me.

I have another friend that is a non-drinker but has other issues. When we get together sometimes we talk about detailed stuff other times we just enjoy each others company. Again I have no goal in mind.

These days I try to see how I can help others rather than what I get out of my relationships. Not to say that if someone I was around was toxic then I would have to make the decision to remove myself from their life but luckily I have no such person in my life.

I think friends come in all shape and sizes. What types of conversation fits on one is way to tight for another. For me it is about balance. I may not always get what I want but I always seem to get what I need if I am honest and I don't have ulterior motives.

karate

I have a friend that gripes and moans and groans the world is aginst him ,He is a farmer too ,But refuses to make desisions to keep himself in the black .

And that is everyone else " fault .

No its not ,Most of our lives were formed by the decisions we made ,Why do some people refuse to take credit for their own decisions ?

Cant figure out what im supossed to teach this fellow ,But there must be a reason.
??

Friend has had alot more chances to make money and has made alot more than i have yet ,does not have any money .

LuxAeterna

Thanks for all your responses! It has taken some time for me to gather thoughts and reply.

A key take-away for me from your responses has been that I don't need to give up these friendships unless they are harming me directly. However, at the same time I have growing needs on a deeper level for more authentic relationships, that I don't think many of my current friends will be able to provide.

Have most of you found more genuine friendships through AA? How many of you find lasting friendships through SR? Where else can I look for closer connections?

Isaiah

Friendships are just as relationships to me. It's a two-way street, you have to give and receive, show dedication but you also have to be willing to compromise.

I've recently realized that I need to let a friendship go. This is someone who could, in theory, be a good asset to my recovery--drinks but works with a lot of addicts so is understanding. But I'm too frustrated with the unreturned phone calls, the "we should hang out" that never comes through. Prior to the weekend I sent them a message asking if they were free. My response back was something like "do you need something?"

It's unfortunate, but like relationships you have to know when to move on when you're not getting what you need. With my friend I'm not going to do or say anything; leave it to them to make an effort, but my effort's been made.

LuxAeterna

Thank you, Isaish. That is also something I need to think carefully about. I have a tendency to over-invest in friendships, even when there is a lack of reciprocation. That energy could be used more productively in finding more balanced friendships, where giving and taking are a bit more in harmony.

lsb

I came here and was going to make a similar post. I am frustrated at this point with my friendships. I feel like there is nothing to them. I dunno. I'd like to make new connections as well.

zjw

I've decided I must not play well with others. For one reason or another honestly not my fault. I mean the one friendship could be blamed on me for the loss but when i tried to make ammends i was verbally attacked etc.. so I said enough and walked. But I essentially have no friends. a few people that i casually know once in a blue moon we exchange a joke email or something. I have one other friend i met online but never in person we talk every day but thats it.

I honestly have gotten lonely. I cant find any meaningful friendships anymore. I have a lot of the same issues others have described here.

Mama wasnt joken when she said when you die you'll be able to count all your good friends on one hand thing is I dunno that I'll even need a hand. I got my wife and kids this keeps me happy but yeah it'd be nice to have a good friend etc..