Be my conscience please :)
now's the time
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
Be my conscience please :)
Back home visiting family. First flight & layover sober... yeesh, what triggers. And now I'm just gearing up for that first "no thanks". I know I can do it but I need your reminders. I keep thinking "I'll just be normal, just for this visit, it'll be more comfortable for everyone." I honestly am less interested in drinking than I am in just having things be normal. I guess "like they used to be" before it was a problem, if there ever was such a time.
I know that's not how it works but I need to hear it, please! I feel like I stepped out of time and all the work I've done happened in another life.
Thank you thank you.
I know that's not how it works but I need to hear it, please! I feel like I stepped out of time and all the work I've done happened in another life.
Thank you thank you.
Another Day in Paradise
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Upland, CA
Posts: 900
One of the adjustments that I made after first getting sober was that as an acknowledged alcoholic (self-acknowledged) I would never be "just like I was before it was a problem”.
Like everything else in my life, previous changes and actions become part of who I am now.
We all have somewhat different ways that we address our new, not drinking status, but at the end of the day this doesn't have to be a "scarlet A" on our chest, it is simply a sign of growth and change that we have made in order to live and have a better life.
When I am asked if I care for a drink I say, "No thanks" and if those offering are used to a different answer from me I will simply let them know I am not drinking now. If pressed and the situation is right I simply say, I am a recovered alcoholic and so probably best if I have something non-alcoholic. Almost invariably I get a "good for you" or "I am sorry, I didn't know or I wouldn't have offered." I then smile and say, "no problem I already knew so you didn't do anything wrong with your gracious offer."
I am sure you will become more comfortable as time goes by, like anything new it takes some getting used to, but if you have gone this far I am sure you will do great.
Best wishes,
Jon
Like everything else in my life, previous changes and actions become part of who I am now.
We all have somewhat different ways that we address our new, not drinking status, but at the end of the day this doesn't have to be a "scarlet A" on our chest, it is simply a sign of growth and change that we have made in order to live and have a better life.
When I am asked if I care for a drink I say, "No thanks" and if those offering are used to a different answer from me I will simply let them know I am not drinking now. If pressed and the situation is right I simply say, I am a recovered alcoholic and so probably best if I have something non-alcoholic. Almost invariably I get a "good for you" or "I am sorry, I didn't know or I wouldn't have offered." I then smile and say, "no problem I already knew so you didn't do anything wrong with your gracious offer."
I am sure you will become more comfortable as time goes by, like anything new it takes some getting used to, but if you have gone this far I am sure you will do great.
Best wishes,
Jon
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
I like the first part of your quote, "There can never be any fixed path..."
I think this is true and what keeps me sober.
As an alcoholic I have a tendency to fear the worst. I can be negative and drive all my thoughts in that direction. What I try to do today is take things as they come. That can be uncomfortable but I think that is one reason I drank. It helped me be comfortable, at least with myself. A couple belts and I was not as restless and the fear subsided.
Now I have to learn to live with it and it is scary but as more and more time goes by it gets easier. This is just another one of those situations. You have to face it and move on. It may not be as bad as your mind has made it out to be.
Relax, breath and try to enjoy your visit. Trust me, all the work you have put in will be there when you need it. You have the tools
I think this is true and what keeps me sober.
As an alcoholic I have a tendency to fear the worst. I can be negative and drive all my thoughts in that direction. What I try to do today is take things as they come. That can be uncomfortable but I think that is one reason I drank. It helped me be comfortable, at least with myself. A couple belts and I was not as restless and the fear subsided.
Now I have to learn to live with it and it is scary but as more and more time goes by it gets easier. This is just another one of those situations. You have to face it and move on. It may not be as bad as your mind has made it out to be.
Relax, breath and try to enjoy your visit. Trust me, all the work you have put in will be there when you need it. You have the tools
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 465
Hi fantail!
I hope that you have a pleasant visit with your family. I'm not certain what to say other than to give you my encouragement, and to share a recent experience of my own.
My family recently came to me for a visit. This was the first visit since I gave up alcohol in February. I was pretty nervous; I told no one of the changes I had made. It's just not something I have chosen to discuss. I'm not sure if that would have made it easier, but keeping it to myself was right for me in my situation.
Anyhow, I took to this visit with the mindset that just like everything else I have been doing in my day to day life, I needed to learn to enjoy the company of my family in a genuine and true way...free of alcohol. I will never have the honest and true relationships I desire so long as alcohol is a part of the mix. So I viewed the visit as a challenge. One where I could begin the work of learning to share in healthy family time.
What I found really interesting was that no one asked me about my drinking (they were likely relieved to be free of the drama!), and that everyone seemed to drink less without my participation in the mix. My conversations were meaningful, and the apprehension I had experienced regarding the visit was quickly replaced by the joy of spending quality time with my family, building memories that honor the woman, mother, and daughter that I want to be...regardless of who else does or doesn't drink.
I'm not sure if this helps you or not. I guess that what I am saying is that I'm trying really hard to build a new "normal" and although I was very worried about wanting things to be as they were before things got out of control, the truth is, for me, I am making things better than they were back then, and I am so grateful to be able to share this new me with my family.
Have a wonderful trip fantail. You have all my support and encouragement.
Much love,
MV
I hope that you have a pleasant visit with your family. I'm not certain what to say other than to give you my encouragement, and to share a recent experience of my own.
My family recently came to me for a visit. This was the first visit since I gave up alcohol in February. I was pretty nervous; I told no one of the changes I had made. It's just not something I have chosen to discuss. I'm not sure if that would have made it easier, but keeping it to myself was right for me in my situation.
Anyhow, I took to this visit with the mindset that just like everything else I have been doing in my day to day life, I needed to learn to enjoy the company of my family in a genuine and true way...free of alcohol. I will never have the honest and true relationships I desire so long as alcohol is a part of the mix. So I viewed the visit as a challenge. One where I could begin the work of learning to share in healthy family time.
What I found really interesting was that no one asked me about my drinking (they were likely relieved to be free of the drama!), and that everyone seemed to drink less without my participation in the mix. My conversations were meaningful, and the apprehension I had experienced regarding the visit was quickly replaced by the joy of spending quality time with my family, building memories that honor the woman, mother, and daughter that I want to be...regardless of who else does or doesn't drink.
I'm not sure if this helps you or not. I guess that what I am saying is that I'm trying really hard to build a new "normal" and although I was very worried about wanting things to be as they were before things got out of control, the truth is, for me, I am making things better than they were back then, and I am so grateful to be able to share this new me with my family.
Have a wonderful trip fantail. You have all my support and encouragement.
Much love,
MV
now's the time
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
Thanks! I very much needed these words of encouragement right now.
It's amazing how much deeper family ties go than anything else. In my adult life I've always been a march-to-my-own-beat type. But in my family I was always the kid trying really hard to keep everyone together and happy... except when I got exhausted of that and tried my damndest to blow everything up... only to feel terribly guilty and try to keep everyone together... etc.
I've been OK telling friends I'm not drinking. But I have this irrational feeling that my family is going to see all the way through me to the depths of how bad it got and it'll just expose all these cracks that I want to protect us all from. If that makes any sense.
Already I've been freaking out because I got compliments on looking so healthy, which makes me think "oh no! they'll realize now how badly off I was before!"
I know you guys are right, that it'll be fine. But it's great to hear it. This is very much tripping a bunch of deeply wired neuroses. Thank you.
It's amazing how much deeper family ties go than anything else. In my adult life I've always been a march-to-my-own-beat type. But in my family I was always the kid trying really hard to keep everyone together and happy... except when I got exhausted of that and tried my damndest to blow everything up... only to feel terribly guilty and try to keep everyone together... etc.
I've been OK telling friends I'm not drinking. But I have this irrational feeling that my family is going to see all the way through me to the depths of how bad it got and it'll just expose all these cracks that I want to protect us all from. If that makes any sense.
Already I've been freaking out because I got compliments on looking so healthy, which makes me think "oh no! they'll realize now how badly off I was before!"
I know you guys are right, that it'll be fine. But it's great to hear it. This is very much tripping a bunch of deeply wired neuroses. Thank you.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
You already know what to do fantail - it's not about other people and making them feel good - it's about you.
If you want to make other people feel good do something good for them - poisoning yourself and opening that door again just to keep the peace is not a healthy decision - it's pure inner addict.
I had the same thoughts - and for years I acted on them - drinking when I didn't want to because I wanted to fit it and not make waves.
tell your family as much, or as little, as you want, but do tell them you're not drinking, right off the bat.
what they think or suspect is simply beyond your control - although I suspect they'll see much less than you are giving them credit for...
but they will see a new, happier healthier you - any family worthy of the name will respond positively to that
D
If you want to make other people feel good do something good for them - poisoning yourself and opening that door again just to keep the peace is not a healthy decision - it's pure inner addict.
I had the same thoughts - and for years I acted on them - drinking when I didn't want to because I wanted to fit it and not make waves.
tell your family as much, or as little, as you want, but do tell them you're not drinking, right off the bat.
what they think or suspect is simply beyond your control - although I suspect they'll see much less than you are giving them credit for...
but they will see a new, happier healthier you - any family worthy of the name will respond positively to that
D
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,360
You have been an inspiration to me fantail. We are have about the same time sober. I have found no one else seems to care if I am drinking or not. I would get nervous like I was going to have to give some big explanation and I have never been asked for one. I did tell my family I cut myself off because it just got "weird". My husband isn't an alcoholic and rarely drinks. This is his line when someone tries to get him to have one. "I don't want to fell like $hit in the morning."
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Hey fantail...I just wanted to say you are allowed to have boundaries...even with (or perhaps especially with) your family. I just mean your are allowed to do things for yourself..with yourself...you only need say as much as your comfortable with. For me I'm better with not so serious sounding boundaries such as ...I'm a recovering alcoholic. I'm better, more comfortable with things like I've killed enough brain cells with the troughs of alcohol I've ingested and it's time I grew some new ones..so no thanks. Give some thought to what you are comfortable saying..or not saying. Make sure it's something you feel good and positive about : )
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
I hope you enjoy your visit, fantail! I've found that the things I was apprehensive about turned out to be not so bad..... It was all the thinking I did ahead of time that made me anxious.
I chose to tell my family about my sobriety after I had a couple months' sober - I didn't want to say anything until I felt pretty confident about it. I just told them I'd quit drinking and they said "Good for you!" ..... and that was pretty much the extent of the conversation.
Like Nuudawn said, it helps to think about it ahead of time and have a response that you feel comfortable with. (I've only been asked "why did you stop drinking?" a couple of times.... the response that I'm comfortable with is "because I was becoming too dependent on it." It's truthful, but without the gory details.)
I chose to tell my family about my sobriety after I had a couple months' sober - I didn't want to say anything until I felt pretty confident about it. I just told them I'd quit drinking and they said "Good for you!" ..... and that was pretty much the extent of the conversation.
Like Nuudawn said, it helps to think about it ahead of time and have a response that you feel comfortable with. (I've only been asked "why did you stop drinking?" a couple of times.... the response that I'm comfortable with is "because I was becoming too dependent on it." It's truthful, but without the gory details.
)
now's the time
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
Thanks everyone! It's going OK so far... way way more cravings than in a long time, but I guess that's to be expected. I'm only ever here when on vacation, so I associate it with free time and free booze.
I think actually I'm realizing that I don't know how much I want to say. I haven't told anyone in my life about this and how hard it's been... so I think part of me wants to be asked about the reasons behind it. And then part of me is like hell no, please no one ask!
It did come up a bit today but only in a general kind of way... I kind of got awkward. And felt conflicted about it afterwards.. partially like "OK, that wasn't so bad," and partially like "that was my chance to talk about it and I missed it."
Groundhog Day, I'm visiting different family members and friends for about a month. It's a big test! A couple weddings and baby showers in there, too. And of course general reunions with old friends who I remember having good drinking days with, back when those still existed.
I sorta feel like I've been training for a marathon and now it's race day!!!
I think actually I'm realizing that I don't know how much I want to say. I haven't told anyone in my life about this and how hard it's been... so I think part of me wants to be asked about the reasons behind it. And then part of me is like hell no, please no one ask!
It did come up a bit today but only in a general kind of way... I kind of got awkward. And felt conflicted about it afterwards.. partially like "OK, that wasn't so bad," and partially like "that was my chance to talk about it and I missed it."
Groundhog Day, I'm visiting different family members and friends for about a month. It's a big test! A couple weddings and baby showers in there, too. And of course general reunions with old friends who I remember having good drinking days with, back when those still existed.
I sorta feel like I've been training for a marathon and now it's race day!!!
now's the time
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
Made it through another day. It was really, really hard. It's so true when they say that stress causes PAWS to come out! For the first time in months, tonight I felt like I did when I first quit... like I couldn't be myself without drinking, like I was stuck with a layer of cotton between me and the world.
I didn't drink but the visit is going very awkwardly. I can't seem to act normal.
I didn't drink but the visit is going very awkwardly. I can't seem to act normal.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
I think you mean you can't seem to act without alcohol. If you think about it, it was an act.
Without alcohol I go through times when I am not sure how I am supposed to behave. I am not sure what to say or how to respond. It usually comes to me later but of course it is to late for that moment but it is there for the next if it should come around again.
One of the things I got from alcohol is it made me not only feel normal but better. I felt more confident, funny and pretty. Of course these were all in my mind but when I take it away I feel awkward and insecure, these are also in my mind.
The old "just be yourself" comes to mind even if you are not sure what that is yet. It is like growing up all over again because in reality, at least for me, I never did it from the get go.
Try and relax and let the visit take its course but don't drink. You have the tools. The fact that you came here to post is one of them that you have used. Hang in there.
Without alcohol I go through times when I am not sure how I am supposed to behave. I am not sure what to say or how to respond. It usually comes to me later but of course it is to late for that moment but it is there for the next if it should come around again.
One of the things I got from alcohol is it made me not only feel normal but better. I felt more confident, funny and pretty. Of course these were all in my mind but when I take it away I feel awkward and insecure, these are also in my mind.
The old "just be yourself" comes to mind even if you are not sure what that is yet. It is like growing up all over again because in reality, at least for me, I never did it from the get go.
Try and relax and let the visit take its course but don't drink. You have the tools. The fact that you came here to post is one of them that you have used. Hang in there.
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Originally Posted by fantail 
I didn't drink but the visit is going very awkwardly. I can't seem to act normal.
You've inspired me to start a new thread. Hope to see you there, and I hope it's a good exercise for some.
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