midnightapt

I had a lot of brief sexual relationships in college, and also a couple of slightly longer relationships that lasted between 6 months and one year. All of these relationships were fueled primarily by alcohol and to a lesser extent other drugs. To no one's surprise but my own, all of these relationships ended poorly and today (now 26 years old) I have zero contact with anyone I've ever had any sort of sexual contact with.

Basically every relationship either ended with me becoming too attached to the person, or me becoming completely, 100% uninterested in the person after we had sex. In other words I am either a basket case or a complete jerk, with zero middle ground. I don't see this changing any time soon, certainly not any time in the next year or two. (I've been sober for about 2.5 years now, and haven't been in any sort of sexual relationship in that entire time.)

I see so many adults today who are miserably married, sometimes with children. I don't want to fool myself into thinking I will be different. I know that many people are capable of having healthy relationships and raising kids in a good way. I just don't think I have it in me, and part of me thinks I'm better off making the most of life as a single person, because I know in the end I am likely either to become obsessed or be a jerk.

Does anyone ever have these thoughts? I don't mean to be so pessimistic, but I think maybe I would be better off not getting into long-term romantic relationships. Thanks for listening.

GroundhogDay

Everyone is either the chaser or the chasee, and most of us have probably been both. So, I don't think that your experience is that unusual. Are you ready for a relationship that is based on more than sex? If so, get to know that person first and make sure that person wants the same thing. This may sound old fashioned, but I asked my husband what his intentions were on the third date (and before sex). I was pretty worn out by the drama of earlier relationships.

Oh, and about kids. Never in my life did I want children. Most men that I met didn't believe me. Anyway, my point is that it is important to be on the same page in that respect. Establish it early.

Spinach

I lived with dreadful relationships that never had a chance with alcohol and stood only slightly better chance without.
Whilst drinking I did make choices about being single that I lived happily with until I met my wife Emma, she rarely drinks and although I did almost stop I managed a type of moderation that meant when she worked nights or went away I often got wrecked, then once again I started drinking and that increased and after twenty years of constant mainly without reason I became ill and stopped drinking I have a good relationship and we worked hard at what might be a ,not so long life left together. It has been a fantastic boost to our relationship though the physical intimacy which had always been fun and loving went for a time but time rather than discussion brought it back.
If I'd just become sober when we met I'm not sure anything below the waist would have occured ,but if I'd been sober for some time I'm sure it would have. I'm not sure what thats going to mean to you but with sober time your renegotiating your relationship with the world and it's not surprising that the last one to make sense is sex and relationships.
It's not pessimistic it's optimistic I don't think your ruling them out more working out how and why they'll be different and better.
John.

bigsombrero

My experience is similar to yours. I've had a couple long-term relationships, but looking back on them - even those that spanned more than a year - none of them were particularly meaningful. I've looked back on them with regrets, and romanticized their importance way too many times. I've never done anything too terrible, I reached out to an old flame early in sobriety but aside from that I've pretty much kept to myself.

And I worried, for a while. A lot. About never finding someone again. And then I did - 11.5 months into sobriety. It was more of a fling, really. But it had substance.

Due to a rather large obstacle (the Atlantic Ocean), I have kept my expectations realistic on the relationship's future. But it's given me hope. I can still be interested in people - and they can still be interested in me, even with my 100% alcohol-free lifestyle.

Musing about the possibilities of future relationships is common, just like pondering if we'll ever get a job or ever find a stable home. With continued sobriety and patience, the answers will present themselves, and more often than not, the answer will be the one you desire.

dripdry

I wonder If I will ever have another romantic relationship. I sometimes wonder how they could even be fun sober.

I have been sober over two years but i feel like I am still in serious mode. I am not sure I deserve a relationship, or romance, or especially sex. I have a lot of guilt and regret from my past.

Sometimes I think that getting involved in a relationship would end up with me drinking again because it is that impossible for me to separate them in my mind.

I've been thinking that maybe a relationship with a man who does not drink but who has never had an alcohol abuse problem would be best. Someone who knows how to relate sober. I really don't think I should get involved with anyone in recovery.

Alraihani

Did my sponsor report my sex inventory to you? I can relate almost to a T. I think that's exactly what recovery us about, to have relationships with other people.

Nuudawn

Hey midnightapt..argh..I see myself in so much of what you posted. I am a lot older but my sobriety is a lot younger. I was either obsessive/addicted really or ya..the jerk..most of my life. Almost every one of my relationships started..drunk..and in bed. Among my large list of issues, emotional intimacy is definitely one of them. I am deflated a bit because I figured when I had a little more sobriety under my belt..well, I would meet someone "compatible" ..someone I could actually relate with. But oddly tonight when driving home from work, I thought ..maybe I just don't want one anyway. Then I read this post and it gives me even more pause.... hmmmmmm

fantail

Sometimes! I definitely wouldn't have dated a large portion of the men I have if I hadn't been drunk during the relationship.

So... can sober me tolerate anyone long enough to be in a relationship with them? I don't know yet. I know right now I'm still really selfish with my time and it's hard to imagine.

In general... I try not to worry too much about it. Romantic relationships seem like both the most volatile and the least essential part of my life right now. Figuring out my profession, my hobbies, and strengthening my friendships all come first.

But I guess that's because I'm also a pessimist. I feel like I've seen way too many women in the generation before me put marriage first (even while not really consciously realizing it) and then end up unhappy in middle age. It makes me really gun shy.

So I just put it all aside and figure either I'll come across someone who makes me actually want to risk caring for them... or I won't.

I do feel like now that I'll probably remember meeting them I've got somewhat better odds.

smalltowngirl

I'm 27 and single.... I have lost numerous relationships for various reasons... alcohol was a contributing factor is almost all of them.

Until I get sober and stay that way for awhile, I'm staying single. I'm tired of hurting people.

MyTimeNow

My last relationship was with a non drinker, we met when my 4 year old was 7 months - it was a really good confidence building, lovely relationship - sex and just daily fun with no drink were an eye opener for me, and really good for me but ultimately it was my mental demons that killed it - insecurity, paranoia - wanting to drink!

I've not resigned myself to being single, but I've been single for 2 years now and am not looking as I just know I cannot mentally and emotionally deal with it. I can be incredibly strong on my own, but can fall apart when with somebody else.

I'm surrounded by failed relationships and marriages too at the moment and think I could never cope with that. I'm happy concentrating with what I have... for now...

Jfanagle

I am an old fart and have more years sober than several who have posted here, however I thought I would share as I spent 13 years single after getting sober. My escapades in bars and such for almost 3 decades were alcohol fueled and kept me from being burdened by marriage vows, (both mine and several of the women) I "befriended."

When I got sober perhaps the biggest adjustment outside of drinking was what to do about casual "friendships." Ironically I left my second marriage 2-1/2 months after I quit drinking. I found that I wasn't who I had been and even though my wife was a normal drinker and was and still is a highly intelligent and accomplished lady, we no longer fit with each other. We do remain to this day very close friends.

I decided that I would really endeavor to make friends in the real sense with women and if mutual agreement led to intimacy then great, but that destination was no longer my primary objective. Over the next 12 years I dated many wonderful ladies and still count almost everyone as a very good friend. Several helped me make the bed in the morning and several said goodnight at their doors when I took them home.

The point was, I was given the great fortune of meeting and knowing so many wonderful women and coming to realize that every time I dated, I was the richer for it. Most all were drinkers, but had no issue with my being a recovered alcoholic. I was open at the outset and let them know my real problem was not booze, but the previous inability to enjoy people, places and things without looking at these through the bottom of a glass.

I learned to really appreciate the beach, a museum, an art gallery, etc. and someone to share these with. Every time I went out I got better at it. Every person out there knows many things that I don't, so I asked them to spend some time with me and educate me.

As I said, I am an "old guy" but for what it is worth, I have had an awfully good time in "relationships" some romantic some just cerebral, but all required that I "relate in those relationships."

Have fun,

Jon

EndGameNYC

The entirety of the non-drinking universe suffers through bad marriages, broken relationships, insecurities around meeting someone new, and regrettable haircuts. Every one of my drunken relationships ended badly, usually with my creating another person on the planet bent on homicide.

Many of the same dynamics are in play on a first date or when pursuing someone new as are in a job interview in which we are straining to impress: Our desperation can trump all else, including our better selves. While our intention is to present the confidence, charm and charisma of 007, we end up appearing as a hot neurotic mess who may or may not be a serial killer.

When I was honest with myself in early sobriety, I was able to ask myself, "What do I really have to offer someone else beyond an extensive debris field from my prior romantic entanglements?" For people who know what "thirteenth stepping" is in twelve-step programs, it was once explained to me in this way: The thirteenth step is Step 1 plus Step 12: "My life has become unmanageable, and I want to share it with someone."

Relax, get yourself healthy, live a better life, and this "problem" will find its rightful place in your personal grand scheme of things.