arghelnoon

I woke up hungover this morning. I'm a binge drinker and had gone a month without doing so, but last night I had a beer at an event. Just one, I thought. And it turned into an all night affair that ended at 3am. I have no idea how many beers I drank.

It's beautiful outside and I'd intended to go for a long bike ride this morning with a friend. It was something I was excited about doing, and I had to cancel on him. Physically, I feel horrible. I can barely eat. Drinking water just sounds gross. My head is pounding. My body is screaming at me, but the worst is my mind. The shame, the regret, the hazy recollecting of those conversations that seemed so meaningful in the moment, but now that just seem absurd. Why do I do this to myself? I know better! I am better than this.

Last night on my way to my event, I actually thought to myself "you need to have a plan." I knew there would be drinking at the event. The healthy version of me I've been working so hard to get to know and keep in touch with actually spoke up. But I ignored it, pushed it aside. I wish I hadn't.

This is my first post. I've lurked here for the last two years as I've tried to confront my relationship with alcohol, from growing up with an alcoholic father (he still drinks, even after throat cancer last year), to addressing my own binge drinking, codependency, shame, and self-loathing. I've come so far. But I'm tired of stringing great months together and then falling back into the abyss, and then having to confront the shame again. So I'm here, and I'm posting, and I'm looking forward to this community helping me to become the person I really so badly want to be. Day one, let's do this.

Ghostlight1

Hello, and welcome.

I've had a thousand relapses, so I know how you feel. It is so not worth drinking. I understand where you're coming from, I've been there many, many times.
Just remember you never have to drink again. It all starts with the first one. Think of what that will lead to. The shame, regret and anxiety.

You've found a great place and best to you.

whiskeyman

Just one, I thought.

oh how many times i have said that.

it always turned into Just one blackout, for me.

EndGameNYC

Continuous support got me through early sobriety. You don't mention anything about treatment in your comment. It's extremely difficult for most people to do this on their own.

For me, AA was the only way that worked. I'm very much aware of all the stigma, prejudice and criticisms attached to AA. None of that means anything to me. I didn't turn into a zombie when I worked through my problems in AA, nor did I become a true believer who preaches God's will on street corners. What it did was help me get sober and lose much of the insanity my alcoholic brain carried around.

In a few sections of the AA Big Book, it reminds us that "self knowledge did not save us." With all the information and evidence available to us that tells us we cannot control our drinking, that our drinking results in financial devastation, serious medical conditions, loss of jobs, broken families, and an empty soul, knowing all this rarely makes any of us stop and stay stopped. All the knowledge in the world does not move us to stop killing ourselves, first slowly, then quickly.

Neither do I wave AA pom-poms. AA is a program of recovery for those of us who are desperate. It offers a spiritual remedy that many who "try" AA reject out of hand. "I'm an atheist. I don't believe in God. It's a cult." No one asks or requires anyone to believe in God in AA. Those who do are not following the program as written in AA literature. All you need to heal is to be open to the possibility that there is a power in the universe that's greater than you are.

There isn't enough space on the Internet for me to tell you all the significant ways my life got better after I achieved sobriety. Yes, the AA Big Book tells us that we've "recovered from a hopeless state of mind and body." We are not damaged and hopeless for the rest of our lives.

As I've written before on this site, if you haven't given AA an honest effort, the only thing you have to lose is your misery.

If AA isn't for you under any circumstances, you owe it to yourself to commit to some type of treatment that will help. If you deny yourself effective treatment, you may be sentencing yourself to several years of unnecessary and unwanted pain and misery, to say nothing of the people you care about.

Bluebird1927

Good luck mate. On day five for the thousandth time in ten years. Hoping this time is the time, let's do this!

arghelnoon

I've been to a handful of AA meetings. I need to go back, it's been months. I am working with a therapist, doing a ton of reading, trying my hand at meditation and yoga, but I think you're right. I need the additional support and structure AA can provide.

Thanks for the kind words, everyone. It helps.

RumHound

Thanks for sharing. You remind me of what I felt when I started in AA:

Shame, regret, remorse, guilt, disgust . . .

One of the first amazing things I experienced in AA was people sharing explicitly about the things they had done in their active alcoholism, many of the same things I had done.

But they were in the process of getting past that shame. They were getting healthy.

It showed me:

1. That there were others just like me, and

2. That there was hope for me. I didn't have to live in shame permanently.

Today, I don't feel shame for my alcoholic drinking because it's in the past and I don't do it anymore.

You reminded me of that oppressive weight of shame. I hated that.

Argh, good luck in recovery.

Hevyn

Welcome to the family arghelnoon. You are not alone. That meant everything to me when I first joined SR.

So let's turn that awful night into something good. You never have to feel like this again. Here's where it can end. Once we finally know there's nothing in it for us but misery, we can get free. I had to give up the idea that there'd ever be 'one' drink. Every time it got in my system it led to a horrible outcome. We don't have to live that way anymore. Glad you are here.

Anna

Welcome!

I can so relate to the feelings you have. I think the worst part of alcoholism is the self-loathing that necessarily comes along with it. After all, without the self-loathing we wouldn't continue to poison ourselves, would we?

Therapy, meditating and yoga all sound like great ideas to help you recover. I hope you continue to read and post.

melissa6381

I also was a binge drinker. After years of plans and "just ones" I finally surrendered to the fact that I am an alcoholic who cannot drink ever again. I am now 5 months sober.

I suggest finding your class thread on here (I quit in feb so my class is feb 2012) and posting in there. The support from my class has been invaluable to my sobriety. I wish you the best of luck.

FeenixxRising

I think we've all been there arghelnoon. If fact, I could have written exactly what you wrote. Stopped for a month, then decided I could just drink one or two beers and then bam! I wake up the next morning with a vicious hangover and wondering why I did what I did the night before.

I'm on the same journey as you. I haven't yet found the answer, but over the last 4 months I have more sober time than drinking time. I'm attending AA and I'm posting here. I've decided I won't give up trying, no matter what. Please do the same.

NYCDoglvr

My experience was I couldn't get sober alone. It was the support of recovering alcoholics who helped so much in the early days, when I was a wreck. I'm an agnostic and I still work the 12 Steps. If I'd tried to stay sober on my own I'd be dead today.

davaidavai

Binge drinking. Man. I loved to drink a lot of booze. Not one, not two. I clung to the hope that I could maintain that ability, to sample a fine scotch, to enjoy a good beer, to have a big night in the countryside with friends, wine as foreplay, etc., etc., But I never really wanted those things. What I wanted for whatever reason was to drink a lot. As time passes, I grow less sure why I wanted that. I wanted to enjoy a fine scotch, sure, but if given the choice, would have taken in a heartbeat a bottle of Old Crow over some fine, expensive taste.

I think the main thing is to find a way to get substantial time. 2 years. See how your life changes when you aren't hitting the reset button twice weekly. No small order. I do not particularly love AA, as I used to, but I think trying to -love it- was a part of the issue. It's a way to not drink, to recognize things about yourself and the world which can seem revealing.

Then again, maybe the thing is to add anything that makes you serious about doing it. I did SR for four months at first without AA and that wasn't enough to keep me from going back. How is therapy and yoga working? I'm curious about other practices.

Justfor1

Shame? I don't really have any. I use to carry the weight of the world on my drunken misadventures. However, as the years rolled by I began to look outside myself as to why I continue. I blame the drinking culture. The advertisements, the bartenders, the cheap price ect.... The minimal type of services I've received when I've reached out for rehab. I'm ashamed of this criminal justice system who never gave me any real jail/prison time for my crimes. I find placing shame on the society that hates me more useful. This view is not popular here at SR but is one that I cannot seem to shake. To the OP, there is no need to carry shame because that could lead to more drinking.

Jsober

Thanks for the reminder of how awful the next day is. You told my story, binge drinker here as well. I am coming up on three years sober thanks to these forums, AA, and understanding alcoholism. I had to learn that it was the first drink that got me in trouble. As long as I can avoid that first I have a chance to grow an avoid all that shame and pain you describe so well. Thank you for posting and keep us updated.

GratitudeDude

Welcome! I've discovered that all my shame was self-imposed and that I could let it go here. There's no need for shame here because here, I'm like everyone else. You see, we can't stop "for the rest of our lives" either. You can't tell a story or debacle that we haven't already lived or exceeded or felt. Join us in our striving to stay sober today and, hopefully repeat tomorrow.

Take care and enjoy the ride!

Mike L.