trailrunrbyday

I am still drinking. I have not successfully gone more than a day without alcohol in a long time (since my second attempt to do it on my own in February).

I feel I NEED to try a treatment centre. The place that offers 2 meetings per week (one AA and one NA) offers various programs and I would like to go for the 30 day. Actually i would love to go for the 90 day but cost is a factor in accessing even the 30 day. I proposed this to husband and it would require me being away from work, arranging care for our son (husband works out of town 4days on then home for 4 days). I am very comfortable with this place and love that I could continue going there for support after. We would need to somehow borrow or finance the cost of around $15 000.00 but to me:

- my job may be jeopardized but likely not and I will lose the job anyways if I continue as I am
- my sobriety is most important
- it is a world renowned centre and quality of treatment top notch
- I am comfortable with the setting and can continue treatment/meetings after
- I could focus on sobriety and reduce factors against my chances of success(mainly stress of work and ease of drinking as he is away more than 50%of the time)
- I will easily be saving us money if we can spread the loan out and I am not drinking hundreds of $ per month
- I would have the daily support I need

We have two children in post secondary and one in a private school so we are already stretched financially monthly so I see his concern but I CANNOT stop on my own. I know I am losing everything slowly but surely right now and THAT knowledge isn't enough no matter how much I want it to be. He thinks I should just be able to stop.

I have asked him to try to do some research/reading so he can perhaps better understand and I don't think he has - this hurts me as he spends all kinds of time online researching other things he cares about.

I asked him to go to an Al Anon meeting to perhaps hear the experiences of other families and understand that my behaviours are not me (I have lied to him about amounts I drink at times and hidden drink from him and he doesn't understand that although I would never lie to him sober I do as an alcoholic)

I am in a small town - there are not meetings every day and with me working full time(high pressure job) plus juggling single parenting half time it is very very difficult to successfully juggle getting to the meetings.

I have contemplated suicide - not sure i could go through with it but I am afraid as I never even entertained thoughts of it before. I begged him to let me go to treatment the other night when I was drunk. We had a huge fight that actually got physical for the first time ever. I tried to leave the house after we had calmed down and I distinctly recall that - I wanted to try to drive my vehicle off the road and thought well I will either die or get hurt badly enough to be trapped at the hospital without access to alcohol. I'm starting to feel resigned the last couple of days and I am so sad and frustrated. I told him I know it will get worse than it already is. I know this is all over the place but I cannot seem to get him to understand enough to believe me that I NEED to try this avenue even if we lose jobs or the house or whatever.

He seems more willing to lose me to drinking than to lose financially.

It breaks my heart because I know he doesn't see it that way and I do know he loves me dearly.

He
Just
Doesn't
Understand

RDBplus3

Trailrunr,
Wow, I can feel your desperation. I went through a six week outpatient program six months ago. It helped me get sober, then about six weeks after I drank again. I went back again for 3 weeks and was sober for about 3 months. I started drinking again, but now I still owe them money and can't afford to go back again. I have just made it thru my new Day One.

I KNOW I can make it Sober. I am going to AA, have a sponsor and other AA people to call which I got at a meeting. I did the Crash Course on the AVRT Website, I joined the June newcomers thread on Sober Recovery, I have been using the chat on Sober Recovery. I will look for your posts and I will look for you on chat. I have to believe you can make it, because I have to believe I can make it.

EndGameNYC

You get those feelings again around making the ultimate sacrifice, call 911. Before this happens (right now is a good time), call a suicide hotline and/or access Web sites that offer help and support for your suicidal thoughts and feelings of hopelessness. There are hundreds of them. If you're gone, your husband and your kids will live with that for the rest of their lives. And the $15,000.00 not spent will be meaningless.

I've looked into the abyss myself, and am very grateful that I'm around to say so.

Get help right now. Not later, not tomorrow, not when you have the cash for treatment. Now.

Soberpotamus

Some of these treatment centers receive help from people, donations, etc. that make it possible for people to get treatment when they can't afford it, or when they don't have insurance. Why not check into that possibility at your treatment center? Or perhaps pick another one that will.

Have you let someone know you are contemplating suicide? Does your husband know? Please let someone know immediately.

Please stay close to the SR forum as well!

Dee74

Please do look for some help.

There is life after all this - don't lose heart
I sent you a PM.

there are many crisis numbers and useful reading you can access here
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html

D

fantail

Hi trailrunr, I remember you from February, big hugs to you.

Is there another option you can try that's less costly? For example, if work is a big stressor and being alone is a trigger, could you take a few weeks off and ask a friend or family member to come stay with you? With the time off you could attend several meetings a day and get through the withdrawal.

At the very least could you and your husband find an addiction counselor to speak with together? Getting an outside perspective can be so helpful... especially if each of you meet with the person individually first and agree that you trust their judgment.

Hang in there and stay close.

RDBplus3

Hello trailrunr...I have made it thru my new day 2 SOBER. How are you doing? Have you been able to make it so far today without a drink? Or has it all been a little too much to stay clean from it? Just asking, because if you made it this far, you can keep going. If you didn't, there is still the chance to make it happen. Any progress on getting into a program? I am praying that it will happen for you. How about an AA meeting, or calling an AA contact? I would like to hear some feedback from you, good or even if not so good. We gotta do this together, and there are lots of good people here at Sober Recovery.

Sudz No More

Sorry you are struggling Trail. I hope you can find the help you need as soon as possible. I can say this much, if you can just make it sober for a few months you will see such a difference you won't believe it. Please, be strong for us and give it a shot. Maybe a couple days off as a vacation at a rehab will give you a fresh start. Then you can make more firm decisions about your future sobriety.

Live2Run25

I honestly believe the only reason my dad is over a year sober today is because he went to a rehab facility for 28 days. Without it, he just couldn't break the bond with alcohol. If you need this for yourself, do it. You have to do what will provide the best outcome for YOU. Your life is not something to put a price tag on, if you need it, it's worth it. *hugs*

trailrunrbyday

Britt - thank you.
Hand over heart I believe it will be life changing for me. I know it is worth it for sure - I just don't know how to find the means. I find that a lot of the response I have gotten on this forum(not just the thread but chat) is that it is an excuse to say I feel I cannot do it without this chance at a 30 day and that *other* people have done it without. I know that. My circumstances make a treatment away from my current routine optimum I think. I just need to be allowed to focus on getting better.

My husband loves me but I don't think he believes it will help and he doesn't understand so he just wants me to stop drinking and not "take the risk of spending all that money and it doesn't work".

For the last few days the subject has been dropped again and we are plodding along pretending life is normal (again). This is the way it goes here...then he goes to work and I drink.

Anyways - thank you for sharing about your Dad. I think it would really give me a chance. I pray I get there somehow someday.

RDBplus3

Hi trailrunr...I have been posting here, and I had some input on Chat. I drank at lunch on day 3...disappointing but not devastating..I will NOT drink anymore today and I will be sober for a dinner-meeting which is every week on Fridays with a group from AA.

I MUST keep committed to getting completely FREE from this addiction. I drank for 40 years, and that is NOT going to control me...I am being defined by my relentless commitment to be free from this addiction to alcohol..

I hope the BEST for you, and praying too. The 3rd step prayer helps me...maybe will help u 2?

Live2Run25

trail-- has your husband ever heard of a leap of faith?? My dad didn't even have a job when we went to rehab..I know his was expensive but his sobriety is worth paying for for a couple years. It's sad. Your husband just doesn't understand. I know it's hard, but it could be the one thing that gets you sober.. some people need MORE than just qutting. My dad needed structure. This was the only way he got it. I really hope you can work things out!

trailrunrbyday

Thank you all for your posts - F55 I called the # and there looks to be 2 options that I may be able to access at reduced/covered cost. I am trying to stay open minded as neither are anything like the facility I was hoping to enter. ONE of them does mention working the 12 steps but only working to steps 1-3 in first 30 days(which is as long as I can fathom being away from my life at this point) and it seems very classroom oriented? The other looks more clinical and not attractive to me at all as an option but I am open to considering anything. They both would require flights which I have to consider in the cost as well. The other thing I would LOVE about the local centre (it is Top of the World Treatment Centre) is that I could continue ongoing counselling where I spent my 30 days AND my Sponsor attends the weekly meetings and is involved in that centre very heavily as well

one other thing that pulls at me is that this centre is here in the mountains in the place that feeds my soul and gives me peace - i would love to recover in that environment instead of a city - i hate cities!!!!....I know I am partial but I am really going to try to stay open to whatever option will be accessible.

I just hate that if I CAN get my husband to believe this option of going into treatment might be for me the criteria becomes what is cheapest not what is the best fit

I would be willing to sell possessions i have (dirtbike, motorcycle etc) to come up with a portion of the money but I don't think he would and he just bought a brand new dirtbike which costs 3/4 of what treatment would have (in his defence I encouraged him to get it as he really wanted a bike and I hadn't decided in my own mind/proposed a 30 day costly program at that point...I was still pretending *again* that I was *managing* and things where fine - pretty easy to do when I only have to be a good actor when he is home and I am solo for days at a time otherwise).

Thanks for all of your encouragement.

Britt - agreed. Me too.