Sober for 2 months, then relapse!
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Bristol England
Posts: 17
hayley86
Thanks for the reply.
Yes, it is contradictory, isn't it? Life / people sometimes are.
Can't really explain it any more, only restate that I knew I would relapse, so did it to get it out of the way, now I know I will never relapse / drink again.
If I am deluding myself or setting myself up to fail, then here is the first place I will come to for help. It's why I joined. Part of the strategy.
But I hope I won't have to!
Whin
PS you say "If you were saying all this after staying on the straight and narrow then maybe your theory would carry more weight, but you were 2 months in and have slipped already."
I was on the straight and narrow. For 2 months. You seem to imply that 2 months is nothing - but it's not, after how much and how long I was drinking. Hell, 2 weeks - 2 days! - was an achievement!
Thanks for the reply.
Yes, it is contradictory, isn't it? Life / people sometimes are.
Can't really explain it any more, only restate that I knew I would relapse, so did it to get it out of the way, now I know I will never relapse / drink again.
If I am deluding myself or setting myself up to fail, then here is the first place I will come to for help. It's why I joined. Part of the strategy.
But I hope I won't have to!
Whin
PS you say "If you were saying all this after staying on the straight and narrow then maybe your theory would carry more weight, but you were 2 months in and have slipped already."
I was on the straight and narrow. For 2 months. You seem to imply that 2 months is nothing - but it's not, after how much and how long I was drinking. Hell, 2 weeks - 2 days! - was an achievement!
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: UK (England)
Posts: 2,782
Please don't assume that I am implying any such thing I am definatley not. I should have phrased it differently but i was rushing out of the house after i typed that so i didn't have time to re- read and edit anything that i said. 2 months is a massive achievement it was for me and it is for anybody who is trying to get sober and i think its great. I definitely was not implying otherwise. You are the only person who knows how you think etc so i am glad your back on the right path and are doing whats right for you. I was only offering my opinion as i wish you all the very best, i definitely don't have all the answers was only speaking from my personal perspective.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Bristol England
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by hayley86 
Please don't assume that I am implying any such thing I am definatley not. I should have phrased it differently but i was rushing out of the house after i typed that so i didn't have time to re- read and edit anything that i said. 2 months is a massive achievement it was for me and it is for anybody who is trying to get sober and i think its great. I definitely was not implying otherwise. You are the only person who knows how you think etc so i am glad your back on the right path and are doing whats right for you. I was only offering my opinion as i wish you all the very best, i definitely don't have all the answers was only speaking from my personal perspective.
W
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
I can relate as got to 6 weeks twice last year then relapsed both times. Looking back i felt so much better,convinced myself I couldn't have a problem/I could control it if I'd gone without for 6 weeks. Maybe I didn't take it seriously,although I thought I did. What I didnt take seriously was the belief that the cravings do and probably always will do just appear out of nowhere. Maybe I was too confident/not cautious enough. I now know that the cravings will appear,they never really go away although they do lessen in frequency,massively over 6 months but what I've learnt is how to deal with them.Accept they will appear but I don't have to act on them.They will go away and as the weeks go by they appear less often and I know I can deal with them.Building sobriety muscles as dee calls it-thanks Dee
I use RR and urge surfing works for me too,You can and will get to 2 months again and beyond.
I use RR and urge surfing works for me too,You can and will get to 2 months again and beyond.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Bristol England
Posts: 17
Oddly enough I have never had cravings, at all. Even leading up to my relapse. Then, I made a conscious decision to drink - it was the night before my ultrasound test results - and I reasoned that whatever the results, I would go forward from that. Stupid and irresponsible and I wish I had been stronger and not relapsed - but now, importantly, I know that it's NOT cravings for alcohol I need to watch for, BUT the ******** my mind comes out with.
So the relapse was useful in that respect.
I am confident it won't happen again - but as others have pointed out, I was confident for 2 months before the relapse. So it could happen again!
But once bitten twice shy and armed with this new knowledge sobriety will prevail.
Whinpernal
So the relapse was useful in that respect.
I am confident it won't happen again - but as others have pointed out, I was confident for 2 months before the relapse. So it could happen again!
But once bitten twice shy and armed with this new knowledge sobriety will prevail.
Whinpernal
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Bristol England
Posts: 17
5 years on, and I'm still sober - more or less.
Reading those posts from 5 years ago makes me cringe!
How over-confident and arrogant I sounded.
I had vastly, VASTLY under-estimated the cunning and power of my enemy - not drink - but my own mind.
I had not yet learned to distrust my own thoughts.
I had not yet learned that your mind LIES to you, in order to feed your addiction!
So I thought it was OK to relapse. 'Just that once.' Well - it wasn't 'just that once', it has been MANY times since then, or rather since July 2014.
Yes, I managed to stay sober from that relapse in May 2013 all the way until July the next year - 14 months - over a year!
And then I thought, well, I'm OK now... I can have a drink.
More fool I.
Since then it has been a rocky road of 3-4 months sober, then relapse for several weeks, then another 3-4 months sober... I seem to be what they call a 'serial relapser.'
However I am 50 in October and am determined to make that the landmark when I stay sober forever.
I'll keep you all updated.
Reading those posts from 5 years ago makes me cringe!
How over-confident and arrogant I sounded.
I had vastly, VASTLY under-estimated the cunning and power of my enemy - not drink - but my own mind.
I had not yet learned to distrust my own thoughts.
I had not yet learned that your mind LIES to you, in order to feed your addiction!
So I thought it was OK to relapse. 'Just that once.' Well - it wasn't 'just that once', it has been MANY times since then, or rather since July 2014.
Yes, I managed to stay sober from that relapse in May 2013 all the way until July the next year - 14 months - over a year!
And then I thought, well, I'm OK now... I can have a drink.
More fool I.
Since then it has been a rocky road of 3-4 months sober, then relapse for several weeks, then another 3-4 months sober... I seem to be what they call a 'serial relapser.'
However I am 50 in October and am determined to make that the landmark when I stay sober forever.
I'll keep you all updated.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I am. I have not touched a drop since and I am now 8 and a half months sober I would be far too terrified of what would happen if I picked up another glass.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Bristol England
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by Dee74
Good to see you back Whinpernal
do you have any ideas on whats holding you back from making a complete commitment to sobriety?
D
do you have any ideas on whats holding you back from making a complete commitment to sobriety?
D
It boils down to three things:
1. I still enjoy drinking. That's the devil of it , and why it is so hard to kick.
2. I use it to medicate my depression.
3. I'm a frakking idiot.
To which the answers are:
1. Yes, it is enjoyable, but if I carry on I will be skint and ill.
2. Yes, but it only works temporarily. When I am sober and exercising (cycling), I feel great, no depression. When I drink, I get depressed - so drink more - vicious cycle.
3. Yes, you are.
I am in a sober phase at the moment but I can still catch my mind daydreaming about the next drink. Going to the cinema when I get the urge is extremely effective - it's a) cheaper b) a distraction c) there is no booze there and d) I get to see a lot of films!
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Bristol England
Posts: 17
Well another 5 years on and I am sober again!
And I was sober up until March 2020 when - well, do I need to say?
The pandemic launched me into a major, MAJOR depression and I turned to alcohol again. This began another cycle of stopping / starting and I was more or less OK until recently.
I hit a brick wall and am now signed off work with depression again - am on medication and getting counselling, and am not drinking.
I'm NOT saying 'never again' as I know that is a fallacy. I am taking things a day at a time. I am 54 now so have probably done quite a lot of damage to the liver.
That said, since stopping drinking, I am feeling, and looking, A LOT better!
Doing more exercise, mainly cycling, and eating and sleeping better.
Getting a lot of fatigue but that's the meds, the quitting alcohol and depression. I also have sleep apnea and use a CPAP machine which helps with sleep, as I lose weight, this should get better.
So hoping I have put it all behind me now, I have been down this road so many times before I don't want to again, I am really tired of it, and enjoying feeling well.
If my liver packs in down the line so be it, I would not be surprised, the amount I have put away, but at least I am doing the right thing now.
Apparently many people are suffering poor mental health in the wake of the pandemic, I count myself among their number.
Pah! It's a beautiful day so I am going to make a pot of tea and sit in my garden and read / write. Cooking a spag bol tonight for tea. Washed down with fruit juice.
W
And I was sober up until March 2020 when - well, do I need to say?
The pandemic launched me into a major, MAJOR depression and I turned to alcohol again. This began another cycle of stopping / starting and I was more or less OK until recently.
I hit a brick wall and am now signed off work with depression again - am on medication and getting counselling, and am not drinking.
I'm NOT saying 'never again' as I know that is a fallacy. I am taking things a day at a time. I am 54 now so have probably done quite a lot of damage to the liver.
That said, since stopping drinking, I am feeling, and looking, A LOT better!
Doing more exercise, mainly cycling, and eating and sleeping better.
Getting a lot of fatigue but that's the meds, the quitting alcohol and depression. I also have sleep apnea and use a CPAP machine which helps with sleep, as I lose weight, this should get better.
So hoping I have put it all behind me now, I have been down this road so many times before I don't want to again, I am really tired of it, and enjoying feeling well.
If my liver packs in down the line so be it, I would not be surprised, the amount I have put away, but at least I am doing the right thing now.
Apparently many people are suffering poor mental health in the wake of the pandemic, I count myself among their number.
Pah! It's a beautiful day so I am going to make a pot of tea and sit in my garden and read / write. Cooking a spag bol tonight for tea. Washed down with fruit juice.
W
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,874
Welcome back, Whinpernal. I am so sorry that you are experiencing life challenges.
Thankfully, sobriety is not currently one of those challenges. Well done on your re-found sobriety.
Stay close and lean on us, okay?
Thankfully, sobriety is not currently one of those challenges. Well done on your re-found sobriety.
Stay close and lean on us, okay?
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Join Date: Aug 2018
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 274
Originally Posted by Whinpernal
I have, not surprisingly, given this a lot of thought over the years.
It boils down to three things:
1. I still enjoy drinking. That's the devil of it , and why it is so hard to kick.
2. I use it to medicate my depression.
3. I'm a frakking idiot.
To which the answers are:
1. Yes, it is enjoyable, but if I carry on I will be skint and ill.
2. Yes, but it only works temporarily. When I am sober and exercising (cycling), I feel great, no depression. When I drink, I get depressed - so drink more - vicious cycle.
3. Yes, you are.
I am in a sober phase at the moment but I can still catch my mind daydreaming about the next drink. Going to the cinema when I get the urge is extremely effective - it's a) cheaper b) a distraction c) there is no booze there and d) I get to see a lot of films!
It boils down to three things:
1. I still enjoy drinking. That's the devil of it , and why it is so hard to kick.
2. I use it to medicate my depression.
3. I'm a frakking idiot.
To which the answers are:
1. Yes, it is enjoyable, but if I carry on I will be skint and ill.
2. Yes, but it only works temporarily. When I am sober and exercising (cycling), I feel great, no depression. When I drink, I get depressed - so drink more - vicious cycle.
3. Yes, you are.
I am in a sober phase at the moment but I can still catch my mind daydreaming about the next drink. Going to the cinema when I get the urge is extremely effective - it's a) cheaper b) a distraction c) there is no booze there and d) I get to see a lot of films!
Sometimes I'll feel a sense of loss regarding drinking - that I've had to give up something I enjoyed. But when I think about it a little deeper, and remember drinking in detail, I really did not enjoy drinking. There were moments that felt good, sure; but I always ended up drinking too much, or spent half the evening feeling miserable because of the willpower necessary to not get falling down drunk again.
And that awful feeling of stumbling into bed drunk rather than fading into restful sleep as I do now.
And even when I had a mild hangover, I'd wake up late to a messy home and have to rush to get ready for my job which I did poorly because I was chronically hung-over.
What little bit of fun I got out of drinking was blotted out tens times over by all of the downsides.
So I guess what I'm saying is that if you're totally honest about it, maybe you don't actually enjoy drinking? Maybe it's just your AV telling you that you enjoy it, and as always.... IT'S LYING!
Think of all the good things you have when you don't drink. Even if they're not individually thrilling, like the brief feeling of euphoria that alcohol provides, they add up to far more pleasure and "enjoyment" than you could ever get from booze.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Bristol England
Posts: 17
You are quite correct zoobadger.
The post you quoted was 5 years old.
This year, I reached the stage you describe.
"What little bit of fun I got out of drinking was blotted out tens times over by all of the downsides."
How true. How very true!
W
The post you quoted was 5 years old.
This year, I reached the stage you describe.
"What little bit of fun I got out of drinking was blotted out tens times over by all of the downsides."
How true. How very true!
W
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Join Date: Aug 2018
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 274
Originally Posted by Whinpernal
You are quite correct zoobadger.
The post you quoted was 5 years old.
This year, I reached the stage you describe.
"What little bit of fun I got out of drinking was blotted out tens times over by all of the downsides."
How true. How very true!
W
The post you quoted was 5 years old.
This year, I reached the stage you describe.
"What little bit of fun I got out of drinking was blotted out tens times over by all of the downsides."
How true. How very true!
W
After five years I'm very mindful of taking my sobriety for granted, so I do sometimes consciously reflect on the misery of the bad old days, reminding myself of how much I have to lose.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 259
Whinpernal - Good work on the 2 months and also it’s good that you did not keep drinking. Based on what you shared it sounds like coping with bad, stressful or upsetting news might be something to think about in how it’s handled in the future. Even when we stop drinking this life can be tough and bad news likely comes to all of us. We can’t live in a bubble so one of the things I had to relearn was how to cope with emotions like stress and anger without soaking it all away with booze. It takes some practice but it’s not impossible to do. There are a lot of “triggers” out there for us and learning to identify them and prep for them goes a long way towards helping in recovery.
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