Justfor1

I've been sober two weeks since my detox & already getting cravings. I let the monster out of it's cage about 6 weeks ago. I dislike sobriety and dealing with my life sober. It's simply too hard and I sometimes think, "why bother staying sober." My alcohol/drug past consequences seem like they will never go away. I couldn't even be a good alcoholic and lasted only a few days of insane drinking. I use to be able to go on benders for weeks. My body doesn't handle booze like it use to. My low paying job is proving a bit harder than I thought & I feel some resentment from co-workers because they knew I grew up with the boss.

Mountainmanbob

Threshold

Just,

Glad to see you sobered up again and are back with us.

I understand how you feel. I was the same in early sobriety...like "I got sober for THIS?!" I felt cheated, but when I mustered up the gumption to stick with it, and I truly got tired of the wasted/drunk life, I got better at living sober. In time the "rewards" started to materialize.

It's like any skill, I suppose. Awkward, difficult, even disillusioning at first, but if we keep practicing we get the hang of it, but we have to dedicate ourselves to an open minded attitude. Meaning, if we are always looking for reasons to quit being sober, for reasons and proof that it is failing and not worth the trouble, we will find them.

Conversely if we look for the reasons to hang in, keep praciticing and focusing on the benefits, we will find those as well.

It's a scary, but neccessary question in all our lives...what do I want out of life, and how much am I willing to put in to get it.

I am at yet another crossroads with that question myself, and even after 40+ years, the answers surprise me.

I hop you hang in there.

Justfor1

Threshold, thats a good post. I have become disillusioned with sober life. What is the point? What is my purpose? At least when I was a 100% alcohol/drug addict I had a purpose and profession. My job was to get drunk and my purpose was to get drunk. In some ways, I feel better staying drunk as a skunk every hour of the day. It brings me peace. I have to remember it's a false sense and temporary peace. Telling me the consequences of drinking has never prevented me from picking up.

Nevertheless

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.
I myself when I was drinking almost always was thinking,man this is outrageous. I have to get my act together and sober up.
Of course when sober thinking man a beer sure would hit the spot. I think you can relate Justforone. A few weeks ago you knew it just wasn't right.
My first year I just convinced myself that drinking just wasn't an option. Get it out of my head. If I thought to myself there was any chance of giving in. My addiction went on the rampage like a kid throwing a tantrum in a candy store.
Hard to explain,but blocking it out and keeping the option completely off the table eases the "want" to drink. If you leave so much as a crack open for demon alcohol to get his foot in the door he will push harder and harder.
Keep the door locked,and he won't waste as much energy trying to get in.
I think as long as you leave the option on the table of giving in,you won't be happy in sobriety.
Just my opinion...
Fred

nomis

When I saw the title of this post I thought "Oh no, here we go. Another Justfor1 post". After I read though, I realized why shouldn't you post this? Frustration at sobriety is a real feeling and something we've all gone through. If this forum was only sunshine and rainbows and only talked about the good things we go through sober, then it would be divorced from reality.

I don't really have any advice Justfor1, other than to keep your head down and keep going knowing that things will get better, but thanks for sharing!

Justfor1

nomis, sometimes I think I post just to vent. I do apologize if it drains people or upsets anyone. The truth is my recovery seems to be a very difficult journey. The truth is though that in the last 18+ months I have very few drinking days. I know, I know, the "continuous sobriety" crowd will not consider that a success but I do think I'm making some progress maybe. I brag about drinking in AA and I brag about sobriety in the bars when I am drinking. It's like I'm caught between two worlds.

Boleo

Same with me when I was just abstinent. Then I found spiritual recovery and discovered that it is way...way more than not-drinking.

Abstinence is not drinking and feeling bad about it.

Recovery is not drinking and feeling good about it.

Mountainmanbob

Nuudawn

Sounds like you're having a "wah wah" sort of day. Have they all been this self-pitying? I'm not even a week in but I had one thursday...with many more to come I suppose. You've had good days right?

ru12

Just, I think better is better. I'm glad you only had a few drinking days in the last year and a half.

hypochondriac

Just a thought... have you ever tried or considered trying mindfulness meditation? It seems that a lot of your frustrations arise out problems in the past and fear that sobriety is always going to be this way. Maybe just focusing on the present would be of benefit? x

Michael66

Hi Just

Perhaps the search for your purpose needs to be your purpose for a while

I don't think you should worry that you don't immediately have a sense of purpose. I think perhaps it's supposed to take a little working out, and that can be quite enjoyable too, I have found.

robgt350

hay Bro
so what is your coworkers keep a distance cause of your relationship with the owner, hate to say it, that might be normal feeling they have. you might develop some friendships. do you have any hobbies. i started a few new hobbies after soberity to keep my alcoholic mind on task. i even made my self do some and things, which i some i like now such as cooking. well good luck! congrats~!

EndGameNYC

When drinking regularly becomes a problem, drinking less is obviously better. I can't moderate, but that doesn't mean others can't.

Dee74

Nice thoughts for the general population. On a recovery board, I'm not so sure about that.

Just I hated sobriety for a long time - but I knew I'd run out of options.

Thankfully,the more I dealt with life and it's ups and downs sober the more I grew and changed...and the more I came to like being sober.

Give it a really good chance, ok? Your life might depend on it?
D

EndGameNYC

My recovery is all about Big Book Twelve Steps. It's the only way for me. My expectations about how anyone else should be getting sober is not part of my recovery.

My recovery is no longer about finding solutions; it's about managing my expectations.

instant

Life's tough then we die. What we do is the challenge that faces us all.

I do not think there is an easy way around these issues. I have come to accept that not drinking, and living a sober life is the easiest option- but that is not to say it is easy.

If you surrender to sobriety unconditionally I think it makes it easier to move on.

Soberpotamus

I suggest doing a CBA (cost benefit analysis) on sobriety vs using. Also, if staying sober was too hard no one would be sober today. All these recovering addicts must think sobriety is worth it.

Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery

Sudz No More

Aww cmon now Just, snap out of that self defeatist attitude you get into so often. Sure OK let the steam come out here but sometimes I think this kind of thinking is positive reinforcement for old bad habits to reoccur.

For example, I had a passing thought this morning on my way to walk the dogs. I like to drive them up the mountain and half way there I thought how I could stop on the way home for beer. The thought didn't last for more than a few seconds because I chose not to feed into it. If you constantly rationalize how drinking would be a better option for you eventually you are really going to believe it. Just let it go Man, let it go...