Tetra

I have been sober since the 4th December, 2011.

Anyway...I have posted here before about the issues I have with my mom, and I am still in therapy about this, and other things.

I find her very controlling. This week was my last week of college before my exams. I came home in a good mood, I have enjoyed attending my classes and chatting with my classmates. Anyway my mom said to me when I got back: "you are always in good form on the days you have lectures"...and I replied "yeah I enjoyed the course a lot, and I have met some nice people, and if I could get a job teaching English in a country like France or Spain I would take it happily". And she replied "Oh I don't think I would let you go to those places...I don't know if I trust you not to go on the bottle again". I was very taken aback, and I just said "well I haven't for the past year and 5 months or so", and she said "yes".

It's other things as well, like if my mom cooks, I wash up and make her a cup of tea after. Anyway yesterday I brought her a cup, like usual, and she said "it's really nice to have a good daughter like you to look after us". When she says things like this, it sends shivers down my spine. I am 32 years old, and I have lived away from home before, but I am hoping to loosen the apron strings now, and work on building my own life.

Anyway, I needed to share my feelings. Thanks for reading!

sugarbear1

Have you told her lately how grateful you were for letting you live with her?

Is she paying for everything or do you add money to the expenses?

Tetra

I pay rent and I buy some groceries. Also, I contribute to ESB.

hypochondriac

Of course you deserve a life of your own, but you'll have to make it for yourself. I too have a controlling mother so I can relate, but fortunately I don't have to live with mine. I am learning to live with her disapproval though, which even from a distance is overbearing. I have learnt that this is my problem though. I have sisters who have to deal with exactly the same issues but they do it so much better than me. It is my lack of faith in myself that makes me let her criticism get to me. You have been doing really well with your sobriety and your studying so you should be garner some self confidence from that and remember that you are 32 and your mother can't legally stop you from doing anything. I am sure she will miss you but you need to do this for yourself as much as anything x

ElegantlyWasted

Of course you do. You need to feel it and go after what you want.

Sasha4

Tetra

Unless your mum ties you to a chair and locks you in the house, there is no way she can stop you living your life as you wish.
It is also a bit of a ridiculous thing to say that you might go back on the bottle if you go to those places as most countries in the world serve and sell alcohol.
And you probably walk past shops everyday and don't go in and buy a bottle of booze. So you don't need to be abroad if you want to relapse! You can easily do it at home.

I know this is maybe a strange thing to say, but do you think your mum could be envious of you in anyway? That maybe she would have liked to have done this when she was younger and single with no ties?

If needs be, you can come live with me, but really go to Spain, and each time your mum rings, I will say you are in the shower!!!!

xx

bi11fish

You can pick your friends-you can pick your seat but you can not pick your family! That being said my parents did the best they knew how and I can't blame them for the disease of Alcoholism. I remember the first couple of years of sobriety I felt like I was 10 yrs old when I was around them. The reality was they were not even aware they had that much power over me, I allowed that to happen. When I learned about codependency and hoping to get something from them that they were not capable of giving I was able to move forward in my sobriety and my life. My parents were not holding me back I was holding on to old stuff!

Sudz No More

Find that job in another country and take it. Just have a sit down with you Mum telling her how much you appreciate everything she's done for you but you need to try this for you.

If she gets upset, do the best you can to console her in that moment and then still go. You need to find yourself before anyone else will.

Tetra

Well, my mother is at it again. Today I submitted my portfolio after months of work and I was so happy. My mother said "it's nice to see you smiling because usually people think you are depressed. I was very taken aback, but I calmly said "who exactly thinks I am depressed", and she said "well I do". I really wanted to point out to her that I have been seen by a psychiatrist. He said that as long as I stay away from alcohol there is no reason I shouldn't have a normal life.

She said the above about four times over the dinner table. Eventually I had to tell her to drop it please. It feels like whenever I am in a good mood about something, she just has to bring me down. It's the constant criticism that is driving me mad. I feel like a 10 year old. My therapist said something similar.

I brought up the whole Spain thing again. Now she said "there is no way I would let you go over there by yourself, I would have to go with you!" I even mentioned Dubai, and her response was that at least they don't serve alcohol over there!

My brother and his girlfriend just moved to Michigan and she told my bro on the phone that she would be over for a visit ASAP. My brother is so much better at dealing with her than I am.

I don't know why I allow myself to be dictated by her moods. It's something I have to work on.

Michelangelo

You can come to Spain whenever you want. You are welcome. You are 32 years old. No need of your mothers permission. Your mother is indeed very controlling. Welcome to Spain. But the problem is that here in Spain we have a VERY high unemployment rate

least

If my mother said that to me I'd say "oh no you're not!" and that would be it. You're old enough to be on your own, go for it. You're not tied to her apron strings, and if you are - cut the strings. Make a life for yourself. It's your life, not hers.

Anna

It sounds to me like you have to push for your independence. Personally, I wouldn't allow my mother to make negative comments about me. It's just not okay. You've been sober a year and a half and your mother should not indicate that she's worried you may drink again. That's not supportive at all.

I urge you to stop listening to your mother's dictates and figure out what you want out of life. Where do you want to live? How do you want to live? What work do you want to do? Those are decisions you can make for yourself about your life today and your future.

Deckard

Tetra, the answer to the question in the title of this thread is: yes, absolutely.