Pete55

I thought I share my insights and experiences on 3 words, generally related to Alcohol and Alcoholism.
This is my experience, the way my mind "operates" and what I needed to do in order to gain some clarity of MY dis-ease.

I do disagree with most medical terminologies, for example;
Disease, that Alcoholism is a disease.
To my understanding, a disease is something contagious.
I prefer to use dis-ease, as in the Restlessness, Irritability and Discontentment of my Condition.
What is my Condition?
Answer is, I have a physical anomaly to the way my body re-act to Alcohol once Alcohol enters my body, that it causes me to crave more Alcohol.
I do not crave Alcohol BEFORE I drink Alcohol.
What I used to have was a Mental Obsession, meaning I would think of drinking. And I thought it was perfectly OK for me to drink like anyone else.
Problem was, my physical reaction to Alcohol became anti-social to say the least.
I would wake up the next day or so, not remembering exactly what happened, but I knew it was not socially accepted.
I feel sad about it for a few days, then the weekend would come again and what would I think about ?
Drinking, but tried damn sure not to do what happened the last time I drank.
So what was my real obsession ?
Answer is; To try to drink like other people and not get out of control.
My obsession was to "beat the game" in drinking.

I was never aware of AA or had any idea I had a "problem". I never been to re-habs, but knew of them due to my work. " I am not like them" was my general train of thought.
Progressively, 35 years, I tried to "beat the drinking game" and in the end I was alone.
"Where is everybody, why am I alone? All I ever did the last time I drank was around people who drank to, but I messed up, again".

I have never been to prison, I have never been done for DUI, that is luck cos I have driven drunk, rolled cars, ended up in a creek, smashed into light poles at 90 kmph and car-upside down-climbed-out-window-went to sleep routine through drink driving more than once.

Why would I, or anyone else for that mater "crave" alcohol after all that?

I would obsess, (which is thought) that next time it won't happen, "I will control my actions", so I thought.

The other interesting factor, is what alcohol did to my mind after even the tiniest spoon full of wine. My mind, or more precisely my personality would instantly change. I would say things that offended others, but I would assume it was "funnny". People would walk away and eventually I was never taken seriously again.
This caused me to obsess even more! That I am not the the person you think I am, I just had a little too much to drink. But things I did in my neck of the woods, the people I knew and grew up with, mostly ethnic, write in their hearts as if it was written on stone. They remember, me.
This caused more shame, more guilt and remorse.
Living started to become impossible even though I had money, the rent was paid and I had food and a car that went, for the time being.

So when I made inquiries, to find out exactly what is happening when I drink, I was informed that I might be, Alcoholic.
This brought on in a moment of a feeling of insult, relief, and curiosity all at the same time. The person did not say, " I am an Alcoholic", he said I might be, Alcoholic".
"Alcoholic" and "An Alcoholic" are slightly different in my view.
"Alcoholic" to my understanding is a condition of the mind and body.
"An Alcoholic" is the result of that condition if it goes untreated.
"Recovered Alcoholic" is one who has abstained from drinking because the mental obsession has been dealt with, because the ex-drinker has come to terms with the fact that they have a physical craving for more alcohol after the first drink.
Meaning, I cannot crave alcohol unless I put alcohol in my body.
So if I crave for more Alcohol after I put Alcohol in my body, physically I am Alcoholic, that is why I don't drink.
Mentally, the obsession to think I can drink like normal drinkers do has been removed.
And emotionally, those compulsions that caused the obsession, or may cause the obsession to rise up, again are being dealt with on a daily basis.

So in a nutshell,
Alcoholism is a (1)Physical Craving coupled to a (2) Mental Obsession arsing from (3)Emotional Compulsions.
Medical Science to my knowledge has not yet found a cure for the (1)craving, the (2) Mental Obsession can be removed and (3) the emotional can be dealt with and no medication has ever been used for my recovery.

I have a new lease on life and daily experiences of learning how to live sober.
Family are still skeptical, but it's their skepticism.
New friends that have never seen me drink are just that, new friends.
Life goes on and there IS Hope.

instant

Youve done a lot of sorting things out- good job!!!