Rubysoho

Hi guys
I'm 7 months sober and struggling a bit. I think with my attitude more than anything. I always thought that I'd be better and 'winning' by now, but I still think about drinking every single day. I look back on how I was and because it was happening to me, and I don't care about me that much, it never really seemed that bad. And the bad bits I do remember don't really seem that real, like it wasn't me in that situation, if it makes sense?!

My husband, my Mum and my best friend don't think I have an alcohol problem. Although all of them have had to look after me at some point or other. And if I didn't end up with temporary damage to my stomach/liver/kidneys/brain I wouldn't really have any evidence that I did have a serious problem with alcohol and painkillers.

I can accept that I have a drink and drug problem, I don't think I'll ever be ok with it, but I'm not denying it any more. It just seems that if I don't care about me, and my friends and family don't acknowledge the problem I wonder why on the days I find it tough, why I fight so hard?

I struggle all the time, nearly every day, and I come close to relapsing. A lot. But so far I've made it through. I just wonder if I didn't have a serious problem (according to those around me) why am I finding it so hard? Shouldn't it be easier by now? When I go to AA and I hear people that are 3 months sober talk, they seem to have it all worked out. And I feel like I'm lagging behind, and I'll never get there. I know that jealousy of others success is not healthy. I'm glad they are doing well, I just wish I was too!

Sorry if this didn't make too much sense. I just want to know if I'll ever 'get it', and whether it will ever get easier.

Thanks x

Grymt

This is just my experience and I don't know if it's helpful but perhaps a shift in mind state is all that is needed. Find one. There are some whereby a shift in thinking don't change anything except the nature of the load.

One thing I've found in AA is that newcomers often haven't quite got it but want to have it believed to be so. Of course it can be a statement of a life that they want for themselves. A shift in self talk. Sometimes it is part of the denial process or just an ego trip with the attendant buzz I don't think it really matters. The aim is truth, seeing truth as it is. I can't see my truth through the eyes of someone else. Everyones version is different. The path fundamentals are the same. The understanding of the fundaments vary.

Rubysoho

Thanks Grymt, that's what I'm looking for, a shift in the way I think and my mindset. I think its my negative attitude that is holding me back. I can see it, but I can't seem to do anything about it. I'll keep going, I just feel like I don't know what I'm doing! I'm trying though, and going to meetings, and talking about things more. Will keep at it!

silentrun

People around me don't think I have a problem either. How my husband couldn't see what was going on is beyond me. I was the only one who knew how much I was drinking and what it was doing to me. I have a feeling that was about to change. You know the truth of it and in fact you are doing it. 7 months is a big deal. I am hitting a bump at 2 months but I am going to just keep going like you.

Caldus

Rubysoho,

First of all I want to say that 7 months is no small thing at all. That's a huge deal and you should be really proud that you have made it so far... I have around the same amount of time as you and I just finished going through a tough phase myself. I had many moments during the weekends where I was close to just saying **** it and go out somewhere. I can't stress enough that I'm glad that I stayed strong through it all. The last few weeks have been a lot easier now. I feel like I am more committed to sobriety than I have ever been and it's a great feeling. I'm not sure what changed. I guess it's just a combination of all the actions I take each day to maintain my sobriety (everything from the readings in the mornings, calling my sponsor, calling other guys in the group, doing service work, and step work). Now my focus is on trying to figure out how I can live a new life sober and getting through the 12 steps. Stay strong and keep at it. You really don't want to throw away that much time.

AcceptingChange

Congrats on 8 months! That is a huge accomplishment. I have an uncle, a cousin, a mother, and a father who never went 8 months in their lives. Feel very, very proud on achieving a goal that many aren't able to.

I had the same sense of disappointment that you did, that i should be feeling better after 6+ months. And i realized that what i imagined sobriety would be like was different than what it was. When i was alcohol sick & alcohol tired and couldn't-give-a-sheet about anything cuz my mind & body were poisoned, i thought "If i could just get sober, i'd feel a lot better." And my body felt better after 14 days, but my mind was still sluggish, and i had my gloom too. But when that was still there after 6 months, i was really frustrated. I guess i thought that being clean would be like being high. I imagined that a perfectly healthy clean body would be like the perfect 1st time alcohol glow. But my imagined idea was not a reality. My body was better, but my mood was dark.
Well, i read about people who deal with their depression, and i read about the deadly outcomes of people who don't deal with their alcoholism. So for a while, i just had to learn to stay in mental pain because i knew i couldn't go back to alcohol, that route would not work. If it didn't work for the many people on SR, and it didn't work for the many people in the "deaths by alcohol" section on Wikipedia, it wouldn't work for me.

So, what's working for me is to read a lot about dealing with mental states like moods, disappointment, despair, etc. And learn the tools to work with those. There are actually ways to deal with those mental states.
I did take Paxil for about 6 months to deal with stuff, but i was able to stop using it. Maybe talk with your doctor about an antidepressant for a while. I used alcohol to control my mood for years, so having something to taper off that nasty drug made sense to me. Just don't go back to alcohol to fix your mood. Unfortunately, we're alcohol addicts, and we can't listen to our alcohol-voice try to soft-sell the old lifestyle. It sucked, and i'm glad to have that monkey off my back.
Again, congrats! on 8 months. You are in a great place to start the next phase of this new clear headed life.

Rubysoho

Thank you Silentrun, I guess if we were good at hiding our drinking, then they don't really know the whole picture. So I guess I can't blame my husband for believing what I told him about my drinking! And some days I want to believe that they are right and that my drinking was 'a bit out of hand' rather than a serious problem. Congrats on 2months, thats a brilliant achievement! I found I was so exhausted at 2 months, just the mental pressure, but you have a great attitude, you are inspiring me :-)

Thank you Caldus, that really helps to know that you battled with this at the same time too. It's scary how real it is sometimes, how desperate I feel and that I could so easily screw up. So I just stay in my flat and try and ride it out when that happens. I'm thinking about getting a sponsor now. I think that doing the steps and stuff will help me. I don't feel ready, but I'm not sure I ever will, so I guess now is a good time! You're right, 7months is a lot to throw away. I'm trying to stay positive and strong, just need to stop letting my brain be negative.

Thank you AcceptingChange! You put how I was feeling better than I could! I just had this image of me being happy, healthy and 'grown-up' by now. And I still feel like a kid and I'm horribly depressed! I've turned down all anti-depressants so far because..I don't know why really. Just the old 'I don't need help!' attitude. I kind of want to do it without meds, and learn how to deal with these emotions. I've been diagnosed with depression, but if I can I want to just stick with it, and try and get past this just using the AA programme. I'm going to get a sponsor and look into doing the steps. Thank you for the encouragement. This is the longest I've ever been sober for in my life, and I need to keep remembering what I've achieved rather than what I suck at!

Thanks guys so much! x

24hrsAday

I struggle all the time, nearly every day, and I come close to relapsing. A lot. But so far I've made it through. I just wonder if I didn't have a serious problem (according to those around me) why am I finding it so hard? Shouldn't it be easier by now? When I go to AA and I hear people that are 3 months sober talk, they seem to have it all worked out. And I feel like I'm lagging behind, and I'll never get there. I know that jealousy of others success is not healthy. I'm glad they are doing well, I just wish I was too!

Sorry if this didn't make too much sense. I just want to know if I'll ever 'get it', and whether it will ever get easier.

Thanks x[/QUOTE]

first of all Congrats on your 7 months.. and remember..

in AA NOBODY Ever has their **** 100% together! (Talk is cheap)
staying sober One day at a time has been the Key for me. also i am Surrounded by people who Support my Sobriety. if i kept Doubting my Alcoholism/Drug Problem (as i did for years) i would not have 6 years and 2 months Clean and Sober now. you hang in there!

Rubysoho

Thank you 24hrsaday. Congratulations on the 6 year 2 months, that's brilliant!
I fall into the 'compare and despair' trap so often, I need to put a stop to that. One day at a time, that's the reason I go to AA. It's a great message. It's much more managable than thinking 'the rest of my life' which always makes me panic!
I do have supportive friends, but a lot of the people I thought I'd be able to count on aren't there for me. And I know that I'm going to have to leave some of my friends behind if they can't be at least happy for me (even if they don't understand).
Eeeek! big changes. But I will breathe! And as you say, one day at a time :-)
Thank you for the encouragement. I really needed it!

bigsombrero

This is pretty cryptic. Care to explain this in English? Thanks!

instant

Im not clear about what seems so attractive to go back to.

On the other hand what is going on in your life now that you seek to escape from.

The stories we tell ourselves, sometimes don,t hold water

24hrsAday

you are most welcome Rubysoho! a AA saying from the way early days i often hated to hear was: "All you have to do in Recovery is.. Change EVERYTHING"

Grymt

Quote:
Originally Posted by Grymt View Post
''This is just my experience and I don't know if it's helpful but perhaps a shift in mind state is all that is needed. Find one. There are some whereby a shift in thinking don't change anything except the nature of the load.

One thing I've found in AA is that newcomers often haven't quite got it but want to have it believed to be so. Of course it can be a statement of a life that they want for themselves. A shift in self talk. Sometimes it is part of the denial process or just an ego trip with the attendant buzz I don't think it really matters. The aim is truth, seeing truth as it is. I can't see my truth through the eyes of someone else. Everyones version is different. The path fundamentals are the same. The understanding of the fundaments vary.''

''This is pretty cryptic. Care to explain this in English? Thanks!''

I think that is a very pertinent question. I thank you for asking it.

I shall accord the care to my answer as befits the question.

Let me think.

2granddaughters

How often do you attend meetings? What does your sponsor and the oldtimers say about how you feel?

I was always envious of the others who seemed to "get it" faster than me.

I was usually judging my "insides" by their "outsides" .... I finally accepted that it was "sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly" and we are all different.

Some are sicker than others.

Recovery is a process and I'm still learning every day as I go along. I only have 23 yrs sober and I try to hang around with the 30-40yrs sober folks hoping that some will "rub off".

All the best.

Bob R

bigsombrero

@Grymt - thanks. I just say that because we get a lot of advice like "just put your trust in God and let yourself go" - which is a nice thing to say, however for someone who is an atheist and a science-based thinker, that is not really beneficial. Some of us work best with tangible advice that is more specific: "Go out and meet new people. Try and make a difference in at least one person's life each day". Etc. I find that to be more useful for me, and I am sure that others share this view.

Grymt

Drat, I was just winding down for the night.

Yes, my educational background is science based. I'm a nominal lutheran with a tendency towards liberation theology with no problems with the teachings of the Buddha. Have you read the Tao of Physics? I don't believe there are atheists. I've never met any. I've met people who say they are.

My approach to my sobriety, as my life, is multifaceted and it is not dependent on anyone elses perception of my position. This is really what I've been trying to get through here. Do it for your self, not through anyone else, don't set yourself up by yourself or by anyone else. Trust your native wisdom. I didn't.
I wish I had a lot earlier.
Don't waste your life. Live it.
You know how. But you might not know that.

Rubysoho

Thanks everyone!
2Granddaughters I don't have a sponsor any more. I got one too soon, I got scared off by the steps, and I couldn't commit to 4 meetings a week, which is what my sponsor suggested. I go to 1 meeting a week now, and 1 additional non-AA meeting that's run by the detox centre. I think that's enough for me at the moment meetings wise. I think I need to speak to more people though. Cos I generally sit at the back by myself. I don't know why i do it! I really liked what you said about judging our insides by other peoples outsides. That's exactly what I'm doing. I have no idea how they feel inside, or whether it is hard for them. I just assume they feel fantastic, because they seem 'well'.
Thank you for the advice :-D I find it so hard to ask for advice, so I really appreciate you taking the time to answer.

Grymt those are really wise words.
" Do it for your self, not through anyone else, don't set yourself up by yourself or by anyone else ".

Thank you so much for all of your support! It's really helpful!

Rubysoho

These are really good questions. I guess I just miss my 'old life'. Cos I did have some good times. I had a lot of really awful times too towards the end. I just miss being like my friends, getting drunk going to gigs, going to festivals. Mainly the getting drunk thing if I'm being completely honest.
I just miss having an 'escape'. I still go to gigs and see my friends and play with my band, but just being able to get away from the real world for a few hours a night.
I know that in itself isn't healthy. Cos my friends are just having a couple of drinks to enhance the fun they are already having. Whereas when I drink, that is the fun, and everything else is happening around me.
I think its just going to take a while to get a bit braver. And be comfortable enjoying the life I do have rather than trying to escape. I just miss drinking so much every day. Right now it feels like I'll never get over it, but I hope that one day I will!

cristoirfinn

The best advice I got in recovery regarding dealing with others who challenged (including family) why I was not drinking.
'Chris your going to learn to grow a spine here'

cristoirfinn

The only person you can compare yourself to is yourself.

Stick in, living a sober life is like sometimes going to war but there is a warrior within you to fight the darkness.