desserts

I'm going to be passing the 2 year anniversary of the last time I humiliated myself through alcohol and the time it had the largest impact on my life. Though about 6 months later I decided to go sober due to the event, this year especially I have been feeling especially depressed and worthless due to guilt and shame over the events that took place 2 years ago. I feel like I don't deserve to be happy after the things I did when I was drinking and drugging, though I never physically hurt anyone. Though since the events I have thought about it every day, ever since I went out with a girl on one date, I have been getting really depressed I guess cause I didn't feel like I should deserve to be with her (evidently she didnt even give me that chance but thats another story). But its getting really unbearable, because I'm so busy though I dont have the time (or money) so see a therapist. My memories while under the influence or just being generally immature have been really bothering me. It all doesn't really make sense because my life right now is headed in the right direction, I'm making money, excelling in school and actively preparing for my career path, I have a great relationship with my parents . . . I'm doing all the right things and I'm sober. I actively fell off the face of the earth this year to put up with my terrible reputation too, and to actively block thinking about what others think of me. Its strange though people who I never cared about in the past's opinions of me are really bothering me. I doubt they even think of me, as much as I think of them, and from a rational position I know that they are all meaningless in the grand scheme of things. My parents think that my guilt and shame is meaningless and that I should just forgive myself and move on. I guess this has to do with the fact that I'm 20, and that the events only happened when I was 18 but I really hope this passes. I have never had a girlfriend, and as much as I want one, I feel like I don't deserve whomever (but they don't even give me chances!) even though I know I would never hurt them and would make them happy.

Dee74

I remember when I was 20 it was really hard to get over things I'd done wrong too, desserts.

the thing is, whether you're 20 or twice that age, there's nothing anyone can do to change yesterday.

The way I dealt with my regrets was to make sure I made the most of every new day - I made sure I did good things and things I could be proud of....in that way it was kind of a living amends.

You're not 'that guy' anymore - you're Desserts version 2.0 now

2 years is probably enough time to spend endlessly raking & re-raking over the past - y'know?

If it's still impacting your life to the extent you can't even enjoy a date, have you thought of some counselling?

D

sobersonja

Hi desserts, thats really great how far you've come.Especially how young you are. you don't have to ruin alot more years of your life like some of us have. Have you checked out the twelve step forum? It might help you.I know it did me.Writing down people i have hurt while using or drinking.Then making amends to them. Anyway just an idea good luck.I hope you can figure out something cause I worry you may have problems if you don't. Stay strong and keep up the great job your doing..

Spinach

Everyone has skeletons in the cupboard, don't let yours define you. Your peer group are also making mistakes, but everyone likes to be one better, your self damnation may be valid I don't know , but it's probably like the painting The Scream by Munch. Your sober and twenty is young and more importantly 18 is very young it's only at the start of being adult,
Don't let that experience drag you down. You have made changes very commendable now work with that. As far as relationships go wait till its right , at the moment your a bag of angst not good dating material!! I would say one good relationship is worth dozens on low grade ones ,I suspect you may disagree ?
Your options were carry on numbing and acting wild or getting sober and growing up.
You chose the right path and will reap the benefits.
John.

Threshold

Life is so often ironic.

The idealism of youth is a gift. Our society is a better place for the energy, hope, vision and thrust of twenty somethings. BUT, it can also be crippling to a young person who CAN see where they made some real mistake and that sense of idealism makes it hard to let go of and move forward.

And in our 20's we feel "old", so much older than we were just a few years ago, it's hard to see ahead (and in many ways better that we can't). It's hard to imagine getting past where we are and seeing and feeling differently, and indeed we sort of don't want to. We want to hang on to some of the glorious ideas we have. That's good stuff. Stuff the world needs, but again, sometimes it can feel crippling to an individual.

We do move on, past things we did. We learn and grow. We can't change the past, but we don't know the future. I have come to see that everything, every step and choice I've made in my life, whether I choose to label them good or bad, has brought me to where I am. There are no detours in life. There is no one right/perfect road and anything that looks funny means we did the wrong thing. NO detours. ALL of it is life.

And we don't operate in a vacuum. There are reasons that we did, what we did, when we did it. We are rarely the only factor involved in a situation.

This is one of the things about 12 step. It's a great reality check. In a solid 4th step, we see the whole picture. It's NOT all about us. The good stuff, the bad stuff, all part of a larger dynamic. We aren't as good or as bad as we make ourselves out to be. We gain honesty and perspective.

Your words remind me of my boyfriend. He has quite a past, rough childhood, difficult teenage years. dropped out of college acting out on some serious issues, and feeling like he was a good guy, who messed up and would never find a real relationship with a woman of any worth and intelligence.

For a lot of years he was a self fulfilling prophecy. Self hatred, anger and addiction ate up years of his life and most of his energy.

Then he met me. In recovery. And we've been moving forward. He has some hope now. That he can leave substance abuse behind. That he can accomoplish some of his dreams. That he can give the love and care he has inside him to a woman and have it appreciated and reciprocated.

I honestly believe he could have had that sooner in his life if he could have believed enough to give himself the chance. So I hope you can keep the door open to all of that, move forward in recovery now and have 18 more years of contentment than my boyfriend had before he allowed some light to shine in.

12 step is a program that allows honesty and light into our lives. I don't believe in a god. I say that because so often people say "I can't to 12 step because I don't believe in a god"

AA/NA is a particular packaging of age old truths. No more, no less. If you can't swallow the medicine in that form, get it in another, but the reality is that we can learn to get honest, put things in perspective, move forward and live.

Don't give up on a life or a dream because of something that happened in our youth.

desserts

Last year I did try to do the whole AA thing, even though I was already sober, and decided with my counselor that asking forgiveness for one of the people I hurt would only cause more trouble for both of us, at least for the foreseeable future. Nonetheless I stopped going after two meetings, because I didn't like the religious element, and because I was already sober -- whether that was the right decision or not to leave, I don't know. Anyway, thank you all for your input, the community here on sober recovery has really helped me through tough times. I hope this is just a phase that I'm going through, because I feel really bad and embarrassed every day. The best thing I can do now is to try to do right by people, stay sober and keep my sights on my future career.

LadyinBC

You can't go wrong with this. The past is in the past and there is nothing we can do to change it. Sometimes the best amend we can make to people is to work on ourselves and stay sober.

Dwelling on the past for me puts me in the wrong mind frame and I can easily end up on the pity pot again. A place that is soooo not good for me!

And congrats on 2 years!

MemphisBlues

You know, Desserts, one comment of y ours really resonated with me, and that was how you went to AA although you were already sober and your were put off by the religious stuff.

For me, AA isn't for people who can get sober and stay sober. AA is for people who get sober and write things as you did in your first post, how you struggle in relationships, have feelings of shame and worthlessness, sadness, woeful regrets.

I think the Rational Recovery route bodes well for those whose main problem is their addiction and once the addiction is removed they are able to carry on with a sober life facing life's issues as the arise, embrace sobriety having conquered the Beast and can just truck on.

I think Alcoholics Anonymous is for people who get sober and are stuck, for people like me who find sobriety sucks, that the person I became in active addiction just didn't have much of a compass for this life trip, who just wallowed in sobriety instead of embracing life.

Maybe you should find another meeting that isn't full of God speak, for sure a young person's meeting, and work on some of the issues you have, which certainly seem to be beating you up.

Congratulations on two years. For me, at two years I could say that the compulsion and obsession had been removed, but I had a whole lot of work to do on me, the sober me, and I found the syllabus for that work in the first 164 pages of the book Alcoholics Anonymous.

desserts

I don't know though, I mean I feel really bad still. Especially because people from my high school, who I haven't seen in like almost 3 years, still talk about me and the things they heard about the things I did two years ago. I don't understand it, I don't talk about them and I don't care about what they are doing, why do they have to talk about me? This defamation is really immature and I don't know why these people feel the need to talk about me after all these years, especially because they all now drink and drug, while i'm sober. I really don't understand it why do they care? Especially because I'm off the radar, now they probably think even worse things about me because I'm so incognito now.

2granddaughters

AA helped me with the drinking and the thinking. It is not religious, it is the most spiritual and healing experience I have ever had.

If you go to the AA meetings for a while you won't think about drinking and you won't care about who is/is not talking about you.

All the best.

Bob R

lilyrosemary

Hey desserts, you sound like a very mature and thoughtful person. in my opinion, i doubt there's many people that even give any of your previous actions a second thought. please try to abandon those thoughts. you deserve to be happy, joyful and secure in your new life. don't let these thoughts rob you of that joy. when you are ready, the right girl will come along...when you least expect it... : )