AnAddict

I used to believe that my addictive behaviours were 'evil'.

But it's almost like I have some kind of biochemical deficit in my brain. When I stop using, my thoughts and emotions go mental - I get very depressed, anxious, and obsessive, and I just want to pick something else up to fill the hole. Other addictive behaviours, like binge eating.

I have obsessive-compulsive disorder. OCD. I essentially go mad, fearing eg. contamination, until I use again. And then I use and that balance is restored again, and I'll go days, weeks, until I get so anxious again that it's as though I must do it.

I can fight the thoughts, compulsions, addictions, for a while. But then I just get fed up and surrender - I use again.

I'm sure I could get medicated, and those chemicals would be in balance that way. But it'd be nice to believe that I didn't have to have some chemical or physical dependence just to function.

So, in some ways, it's like addictive behaviour saves me from that despairing. If anything, I should be grateful to it because even though it is so self-destructive, that other state is just so unbearable that I can't imagine persisting in being there. It sounds sick, I know - but I clearly have an illness of the mind, body, spirit... All of me.

Does anyone relate to any of this?

trailrunrbyday

home on a quick lunch break but long answer short - yes. I'll have to think through a better answer but I can tell you 2+ wks of not drinking and I am eating everything in sight - THOUGHT about smoking(I quit 7 years ago!!!!!) and craving sweets like I never have before. My mind races when I am looking to fill the void and I am exploring ways to deal with this (setting up my painting studio with music and empty canvases tonight to see if I can go up with a tea and a pent up emotions and let them loose on a canvas - we'll see....)

2granddaughters

I relate 100% . They told me at the rehab in 1989 that I had a 5% drinking problem and a 95% thinking problem. So true.

I go to AA meetings regularly not because I think about drinking but to learn to live sober. That's what you learn in AA.

All the best.

Bob R

MeetJohnDoe

You might consider reading the chapters of this guy's book on-line. He's an expert in "the addictive personality"

Downloads on Substance Abuse Treatment and Recovery Resources

awuh1

Addictive behaviors are evil only if the harm yourself or others.

If you have ocd, depression, and/or anxiety (not caused by alcohol use) which interfere with daily living, a much more healthy approach would be to seek treatment for those problems.

Alcohol can turn into its own problem and should be addressed as a separate issue. Continuing to use it as a solution is only likely to make these problems worse in the long run.

AnAddict

Thanks everyone for your reply. I am currently waiting for psychological treatment for my issues.

I guess what I'm saying is that it feels like all these things - the using, the OCD/fears, the compulsions, the desire to binge eat, the depression, the anxiety when I withdraw - are all just different sides of the same rapidly spinning coin.

Of course I don't know that for sure, but I'm starting to feel that way.

CharlieNoogan

Agreed. Once my alcohol use became a physical addiction, I would begin to feel crazy without it. I definitely began to notice problems with my memory as time went on, and I used to have a near-photographic memory. It does poison your brain in the long term, and changes your cellular processes. Only time without substances can somewhat reverse these issues.

I agree with awuh1, that your best bet is to seek professional treatment for your OCD, depression, and anxiety. Otherwise, it is just a matter of time before your illness drives you to relapse.

AnAddict

Ultimately, the professional treatments will be some form of mind-altering drug. Yes, prescribed by a doctor, but I don't want to just move on from my current chemical therapy (addictions) to another form of chemical therapy.

Grymt

Find your nearest Vipassana centre and make time to sit a course.

DayTrader

Totally relate.....

The more time I spent in sobriety the more I learned/discovered just how messed up I was. ......and it was pretty depressing too. Mostly it was depressing because I thought I'd have to find out how to fix ALL this crap and I had no idea how to fix one of the issues.....and here there seemed to be a half-dozen new ones cropping up every darn day! lol

AA came in pretty hand for me at that point because that first step is all about admitting there's a lot goin' on with me that I can't fix ("lives were unmanageable") but then there's the second step which when I take it, forces me to at least consider that there might be some sort of other power in the universe (god, God, other ppl, group support, cosmic force, etc) that has the ability to fix this stuff FOR me.

That process kinda gets repeated in steps 4 and 5 but I talked enough AA already. If you're interested.......shoot me a PM or look into AA and the steps.

AnAddict

Hi DayTrader,

I relate to what you're saying. Sadly I have done the AA steps to death, and while they did really help me for a while, a lot of the philosophy hasn't struck well with me. I do still reflect on the steps as part of my daily meditations, but I ultimately find the need for faith in a 'higher power' an exhausting concept for my addictive, obsessed mind.

Grymt - thanks. I am fascinated by Buddhism, and want to apply those concepts into my life. You're right; it would be very valuable.

Grymt

AnAddict, You're welcome.
I got hauled to one of theoe ten day courses while still drunk from the night before. It is because it is so valuable that it is free. Great food. Great atmosphere and becuase, buddhism is not a religion except insofar people over time has made it so, it's a meditation technique that can be universally helpful.

AnAddict

I have found even over the last 48 hours how beneficial being kind is for my own brain chemistry.

AnAddict

It's been over a week now, and I'm feeling great. For once in my life, I'm not obsessed with the idea of believing in a Creator to be able to maintain sobriety. And I don't feel obsessed with my OCD, which I usually would. I feel a strange sense of freedom; it's almost like my Higher Power is just simply 'doing the right thing and doing my best to be a good person to others'. How bizarre.. Thanks for the suggestion, Grymt - it has already helped me immensely. I have spent probably about 95% of the past 18 months sober (in the sense that i've had some days of relapse), but it's always felt like I've been white knuckling it or embarking on an obsessive search for God. I hope God is real. But right now, it doesn't feel SO imperative for my sobriety whether I believe I was created or not. This feels ...nice. Kind of like how I've wanted to feel ever since I stopped wanting to be a slave to my addiction.

Wildog007

I can totally relate. Aside from alcoholism, I have struggled with depression and anxiety as well. Your last post about sums it up for me. When I stop trying to define my higher power and put him/her/it in a box, and just let it happen things go much better for me. Everytime I try to "get spiritual", I want to be a saint by Thursday, or I'm discontent and dissatisfied. It's in the relaxing and letting go that I find some peace.

Best wishes.

AnAddict

When I was doing AA-style recovery, I think a major advantage I had was that I was doing recovery-based things every day. So I've decided to start the day with a morning meditation, journaling, and reflecting on a kind deed I can do for the day (I've been learning about how kindness can improve a sense of well-being).

I want to be able to give to the world rather than take take take.

But I feel really great.

shauninspain

I have spent the last 2 or so years denying the existence of a higher power to myself. Looking for things in the world so I could say... 'See, there is no HP. Why would any HP allow that to happen'. But recent events have made it clear to me that I cannot remain sober on my own. There are no meetings close to where I live, and I don't have transport. I have had to cease this near hatred of a HP, and accept that I don't know diddly squat about anything. I am willing to get on my knees again and prey for a sober day.

When I used to do this I felt a sense of wholeness. I really want that feeling again. I need a HP in my life.

Good luck to you.

AnAddict

thank you for sharing that shauninspain. I really relate to that feeling. I think I'm trying to embrace the idea of a higher power, I just don't really know/claim to understand how that works in my life! But I don't really have any sober time, so I can't claim to be in a place to give anyone advice..