Making small talk/dealing with strangers
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 3,010
Making small talk/dealing with strangers
I have never been comfortable making small talk with strangers. I get tongue tied and clam up. I have always been shy and reserved, and I used to hate myself for it, and I drank to mask the shyness. I don't hate myself anymore. I got very upset about it with my therapist one day and he said "I don't know why you hate yourself, you are a gentle, reserved, refined person and those are not bad qualities".
During the week I am at college and in the city, mostly. At the weekend I am with my parents, out the country. I spend a lot of time driving back and forth. Another thing I should mention is that I look like my dad, very much so. I have had people stop me in the street and ask me "you must be Johnny's daughter. I don't know your name, but you are definitely Johnny's daughter", and everyone that sees my dad and I together for the first time, remarks on it. It used to drive me bananas, but it doesn't anymore. My dad is a dignified, very kind, intelligent man, respectful of others, even my mom's crazy sisters
So this weekend I am in the country, and dad and I headed to the local village for a coffee. So I am walking down Main Street, One Horse Town, Ireland and I decide to stop at the local shop for a paper. My dad is from this area, so I had my head down and trying to avoid eye contact, as I just wasn't in the mood for chatting. So at the cash desk I saw this woman staring, and I knew what was coming and I thinking "oh ****" and I was in a rush to get out of there....but alas, too late She swooped over to me, and loudly started off "Hello, Johnny's daughter", and tried to give me a hug...now I was shocked and bewildered - I hate being manhandled - and started shouting "Mary, Betty come here, this is xxxx, Johnny's kid and one of the family from xxxxx". Now, the whole shop had dropped what they were doing and were looking over. So Mary and Betty had joined us at this stage, Mary loudly proclaimed "you are definitely a Smith alright, you are cut out of your father". (This is Irish talk for you look the same). Even the shopkeeper had joined us now. So he was asking me "how's your dad, how's the retirement going?" Now, I was bewildered, and utterly utterly tongue tied, and all I could think to say was "he's fine thanks". I knew from his face that he was expecting more from me, but tbh I just couldn't get the words out and I was getting extremely frustrated. My dad came in at this point - thank god - and then they started at him...."Oh Johnny, you are looking well, and you have got a great helper today, helping you do the shopping" - while nodding at me - like I was a five year old, not 32 years old - I know I look quite young and dress young, (jeans, converse and a warm sweater, it's only 2 degress out), but please - and I made my excuses and got the hell out of there, by proclaiming that I needed to find an ATM.
So the episode left me feeling angry and frustrated. Why do I find it so hard to converse with strangers, and is it just me or do others feel this way too?
During the week I am at college and in the city, mostly. At the weekend I am with my parents, out the country. I spend a lot of time driving back and forth. Another thing I should mention is that I look like my dad, very much so. I have had people stop me in the street and ask me "you must be Johnny's daughter. I don't know your name, but you are definitely Johnny's daughter", and everyone that sees my dad and I together for the first time, remarks on it. It used to drive me bananas, but it doesn't anymore. My dad is a dignified, very kind, intelligent man, respectful of others, even my mom's crazy sisters
So this weekend I am in the country, and dad and I headed to the local village for a coffee. So I am walking down Main Street, One Horse Town, Ireland and I decide to stop at the local shop for a paper. My dad is from this area, so I had my head down and trying to avoid eye contact, as I just wasn't in the mood for chatting. So at the cash desk I saw this woman staring, and I knew what was coming and I thinking "oh ****" and I was in a rush to get out of there....but alas, too late
She swooped over to me, and loudly started off "Hello, Johnny's daughter", and tried to give me a hug...now I was shocked and bewildered - I hate being manhandled - and started shouting "Mary, Betty come here, this is xxxx, Johnny's kid and one of the family from xxxxx". Now, the whole shop had dropped what they were doing and were looking over. So Mary and Betty had joined us at this stage, Mary loudly proclaimed "you are definitely a Smith alright, you are cut out of your father". (This is Irish talk for you look the same). Even the shopkeeper had joined us now. So he was asking me "how's your dad, how's the retirement going?" Now, I was bewildered, and utterly utterly tongue tied, and all I could think to say was "he's fine thanks". I knew from his face that he was expecting more from me, but tbh I just couldn't get the words out and I was getting extremely frustrated. My dad came in at this point - thank god - and then they started at him...."Oh Johnny, you are looking well, and you have got a great helper today, helping you do the shopping" - while nodding at me - like I was a five year old, not 32 years old - I know I look quite young and dress young, (jeans, converse and a warm sweater, it's only 2 degress out), but please - and I made my excuses and got the hell out of there, by proclaiming that I needed to find an ATM.So the episode left me feeling angry and frustrated. Why do I find it so hard to converse with strangers, and is it just me or do others feel this way too?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Texas
Posts: 8
Tetra, I read a really good book last week called "Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking", by author Susan Cain. She also has a website and is featured in a Ted Talk video.
You may want to take a look at these if you have time. I'm definitely an introvert and like being reminded that I'm not the only one.
You may want to take a look at these if you have time. I'm definitely an introvert and like being reminded that I'm not the only one.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Washington
Posts: 879
Hi tetra
I understand. Small talk can feel like such a struggle, seems like such a waste a lot of the time. And most of the times no ones really paying attention anyhow or it's just icky gossip. I want a deep conversation with one person! Not a bunch of yap yap. It must be tiring being identified with your father all the time too. You know, it's ok to just politely say "I have to go". You don't have to try to force yourself to have these inconsequential chat fasts.
I understand. Small talk can feel like such a struggle, seems like such a waste a lot of the time. And most of the times no ones really paying attention anyhow or it's just icky gossip. I want a deep conversation with one person! Not a bunch of yap yap. It must be tiring being identified with your father all the time too. You know, it's ok to just politely say "I have to go". You don't have to try to force yourself to have these inconsequential chat fasts.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Toronto, Ontario
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I am the same, and can relate to what you say. Small talk is difficult for me, but it's practically impossible to avoid - elevators, taxi rides, public transit, shops, co-workers, etc. I too would rather have in-depth conversations one-on-one, but that won't happen if I am in the deli line and the woman behind me wants to chat with me about the weather. I have been doing some reading on introverts, and I certainly am in that camp. What I have come to see is that I was someone who isolated. I kept to myself as much as humanly possible. I didn't touch the phone, didn't answer my door, and distanced myself as much as I could. But I realize now that doing little things (like small talk) that take me out of my comfort zone is often good for my growth.
I realize that when someone is doing small talk, they are trying to connect with another person, regardless of the topic. I try to honour that now, and engage, even if I don't feel like it. It's a great way for me to get out of myself and not isolate. Isolating is not good for me. Never has been. Doesn't mean I am a yapping, hand-shaking, back-patting machine. But I learn to step out a little bit more and just connect. That's all. You will find that sometimes it's actually these little things that make a big difference...I know it has for me.
I realize that when someone is doing small talk, they are trying to connect with another person, regardless of the topic. I try to honour that now, and engage, even if I don't feel like it. It's a great way for me to get out of myself and not isolate. Isolating is not good for me. Never has been. Doesn't mean I am a yapping, hand-shaking, back-patting machine. But I learn to step out a little bit more and just connect. That's all. You will find that sometimes it's actually these little things that make a big difference...I know it has for me.
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Washington
Posts: 879
Originally Posted by paul99 
I am the same, and can relate to what you say. Small talk is difficult for me, but it's practically impossible to avoid - elevators, taxi rides, public transit, shops, co-workers, etc. I too would rather have in-depth conversations one-on-one, but that won't happen if I am in the deli line and the woman behind me wants to chat with me about the weather. I have been doing some reading on introverts, and I certainly am in that camp. What I have come to see is that I was someone who isolated. I kept to myself as much as humanly possible. I didn't touch the phone, didn't answer my door, and distanced myself as much as I could. But I realize now that doing little things (like small talk) that take me out of my comfort zone is often good for my growth.
I realize that when someone is doing small talk, they are trying to connect with another person, regardless of the topic. I try to honour that now, and engage, even if I don't feel like it. It's a great way for me to get out of myself and not isolate. Isolating is not good for me. Never has been. Doesn't mean I am a yapping, hand-shaking, back-patting machine. But I learn to step out a little bit more and just connect. That's all. You will find that sometimes it's actually these little things that make a big difference...I know it has for me.
I realize that when someone is doing small talk, they are trying to connect with another person, regardless of the topic. I try to honour that now, and engage, even if I don't feel like it. It's a great way for me to get out of myself and not isolate. Isolating is not good for me. Never has been. Doesn't mean I am a yapping, hand-shaking, back-patting machine. But I learn to step out a little bit more and just connect. That's all. You will find that sometimes it's actually these little things that make a big difference...I know it has for me.
This is really good Paul. You are right. I have been working in customer service for over 20 years and I think I am letting my burnout shadow me. Talk, talk, talk! All the while wanting more true connections. You are right about people chatting to make some sort of connection, I actually was so down when I posted my response to Tetra this morning I was having trouble being positive. And you are right about the isolation too.
I do have problems when people get too personal when it's just a small talk type situation, like when they are kind of fishing for too much about my personal life. Maybe I am too guarded.
Hope everyone has a nice Saturday
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: LoneStar
Posts: 78
Tetra,
Sounds like your Father is well respected in the community and the locals are trying to extend their admiration for him upon you. Maybe take it as a compliment even if it is irritating. I used to live in Waterford County off and on, I understand everyone wants to get in everyone's business in Eire.
have a great day.
Sounds like your Father is well respected in the community and the locals are trying to extend their admiration for him upon you. Maybe take it as a compliment even if it is irritating. I used to live in Waterford County off and on, I understand everyone wants to get in everyone's business in Eire.
have a great day.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 3,010
Originally Posted by MyFitz
Tetra,
Sounds like your Father is well respected in the community and the locals are trying to extend their admiration for him upon you. Maybe take it as a compliment even if it is irritating. I used to live in Waterford County off and on, I understand everyone wants to get in everyone's business in Eire.
have a great day.
Sounds like your Father is well respected in the community and the locals are trying to extend their admiration for him upon you. Maybe take it as a compliment even if it is irritating. I used to live in Waterford County off and on, I understand everyone wants to get in everyone's business in Eire.
have a great day.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Well, if strangers stop you on the street saying, "You must be Johnny's daughter!" it's a good thing they are right, lol, otherwise there might be a LOT of gossip.
Paul is right, people are really just trying to make a human connection, I think. Here's a thought. Instead of getting all tongue-tied wondering how to get out of the conversation, try having a handful of neutral questions or comments in your pocket to throw out there. I've always found people respond VERY well to compliments. I've complimented cab drivers on the condition of the cab, and had very pleasant chats while riding. With a storekeeper, you can say how nice it is to come in and find JUST what you were looking for. Or if you are asked about your dad's retirement, you could say how nice it is that you have more time to spend together now that he's retired. Just pleasant, neutral things. You don't have to stand and chat for five minutes, but a couple of pleasant remarks, followed by, "Got to run, I've got a ton of things to do today," is sufficient.
These aren't job interviews, you don't have to impress anyone by being brilliantly witty or entertaining. But by the same token you don't want to get pegged as being unfriendly, either. Teasing also can be a good way to escape the situation you described where everyone is being called over to check out "Johnny's girl." "Sorry, too busy to hand out the autographs today, have a great day, everybody!"
Paul is right, people are really just trying to make a human connection, I think. Here's a thought. Instead of getting all tongue-tied wondering how to get out of the conversation, try having a handful of neutral questions or comments in your pocket to throw out there. I've always found people respond VERY well to compliments. I've complimented cab drivers on the condition of the cab, and had very pleasant chats while riding. With a storekeeper, you can say how nice it is to come in and find JUST what you were looking for. Or if you are asked about your dad's retirement, you could say how nice it is that you have more time to spend together now that he's retired. Just pleasant, neutral things. You don't have to stand and chat for five minutes, but a couple of pleasant remarks, followed by, "Got to run, I've got a ton of things to do today," is sufficient.
These aren't job interviews, you don't have to impress anyone by being brilliantly witty or entertaining. But by the same token you don't want to get pegged as being unfriendly, either. Teasing also can be a good way to escape the situation you described where everyone is being called over to check out "Johnny's girl." "Sorry, too busy to hand out the autographs today, have a great day, everybody!"
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: highland beach, florida
Posts: 649
Hi Tetra,
Seems to me there is some pretty good advice here.Bottom line is you are who you are. If that is an introvert, so be it. Your father seems to be very well thought of in your town and I am sure you are very proud of that, but he knows you and understands your feelings. You are shy and keep to yourself, nothing wrong with that.
At 32 you are not going to become the life of the party. As long as you are polite probably a simple, " Thank you, I'm very proud of my dad", or "Thanks, he is a great guy, wish I were as outgoing as my Dad, should suffice.
Let's face it your Dad is a star in town and you are going to run into that wherever you go apparently--be proud they are all good things being said, and he is so well respected. For your Fathers sake all you have to be is polite.
Only My Opinion!
Trix
Seems to me there is some pretty good advice here.Bottom line is you are who you are. If that is an introvert, so be it. Your father seems to be very well thought of in your town and I am sure you are very proud of that, but he knows you and understands your feelings. You are shy and keep to yourself, nothing wrong with that.
At 32 you are not going to become the life of the party. As long as you are polite probably a simple, " Thank you, I'm very proud of my dad", or "Thanks, he is a great guy, wish I were as outgoing as my Dad, should suffice.
Let's face it your Dad is a star in town and you are going to run into that wherever you go apparently--be proud they are all good things being said, and he is so well respected. For your Fathers sake all you have to be is polite.
Only My Opinion!
Trix
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Bedfordshire, UK
Posts: 88
Originally Posted by Tetra
Why do I find it so hard to converse with strangers, and is it just me or do others feel this way too?
I used to think I really liked deep conversations but I'm having to rethink that a bit because I've worked out recently that all my deep conversations were had when I was drunk.
The only ever time I felt comfortable with small talk was having a cigarette outside of work with others. So for me perhaps my fear of small talk is because I'm afraid of wasting peoples time, or that I need to feel a common bond. I'm working on that.
Regardless of why, Like Paul99, I'm trying to 'feel the fear and do it anyway', even if it is uncomfortable then to just go with it. I used to feel terrified of doing stand up presenting, now I love it (lots of practise).
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