Justfor1

Having been sober 18+months (minus a day) of sobriety I have come to the conclusion that I will live with this black cloud. Medication doesn't really fully help & when I see my arrogant Dr. I will ask to wean off. What's the point? They won't prescribe the right meds for my anxiety anymore even though they help. Thoughts of picking up a drink are slowly entering my mind. I know the pain & destruction that alcohol causes but what about the pain in sobriety? Scaring me into sobriety with consequences never worked for me. I have been to jail many times. Hospital & "sober living houses" were my way of life for years. I think this winter is causing my depression to spiral down and it is scary.

Dee74

Do you really think drinking is a solution for pain/depression tho J41?
It never worked for me, if anything it made my depression and despair even worse.

Maybe you need to cast your net around a bit wider - maybe consider a new Dr? join a mental health support group? that kind of thing?

D

Justfor1

Yes Dee. AA meetings are not helping me right now. I'm between "mental health" group but they will start next week. I will go 2X a week for depression/anxiety. No the alcohol will not help in the long run. However, it would give me a brief escape for a few hours and thats what makes it so tempting.

Dee74

never even did that for me by the end.

D

EternalQ

The only thing that helped me was medication, therapy, (lots of therapy) and now finally quitting drinking. I am still struggling with energy, low motivation, isolation, irrational negative thoughts and some anxiety. I know if I took better care of myself physically and worked to find ways to isolate less it would help.

But I know what WON'T help is drinking. I thought it helped but I was so wrong. It was pouring liquid depression down my throat night after night. Since quitting drinking I haven't felt suicidal. Yes the things I mentioned are a struggle. But I am facing the right direction.

Quitting drinking requires facing yourself as I'm sure you know. But working on mental health does too. Its tough work. It doesn't all come in a bottle or a pill. That kind of thinking keeps you hopeless and helpless.

The good news is feeling better does not come from outside of you. You don't have to wait on anyone. You can start today to challenge yourself.

You can do it. We both can.

EternalQ

PS.
What I am trying to say is I discovered those helpless / hopeless voices are cousins of the addictive voice that tells you to drink.

You start listening to inner hopeless and helpless talk, and well... they walk you over to their cousins house who tells you to drink.

So we must be on guard! When hopeless and helpless voices KNOW YOU MEAN BUSINESS, they will come around less.

So join me in tellling them to BACK OFF!

ReadyAndAble

Yeah, JF1, I agree with Dee that booze won't offer an escape, not even for a few hours. When we've come this far, I don't think it's possible to enjoy drinking. Every sip would just remind us of what it means, and where it leads. Bitter taste, that drink.

For me, quitting solved one thing: my addiction. I still have a lot of other struggles, and will surely face many more in life. But now that I'm not drinking I can work on those things, bit by bit. Recovery didn't give me everything I want, but it has given me hope. That's what I'd be giving up if ever I drank again.

gaffo

It's been fifteen months for me so this is my second winter without alcohol to treat my seasonal depression. The first one I was on the roller coaster of early early sobriety so I was just a wreck but this one seems to be better w/out drinking. Then again, everything in my life is better without drinking. It occurs to me that the hangovers alone were a form of self induced depression. The other thing is that it feels like my brain, the way that I think, has changed since I retired from 26 years (and 26 winter depression seasons) of drinking.

TheEnd

Seems like somone is slowly trying to convince himself that picking up a drink will improve his situation. Sadly you know this is not true, but until you get off the hamster wheel it will keep spinning.

splendra

Congrats on the 18 months. Yoga and eating supper healthy helps me with depression. My doc wanted to put me on meds too I knew there was pretty much nothing in the drug store gonna cure me of my sickness.

I learned that my drinking problem physiologically speaking was about a blood sugar imbalance. One of the reasons I craved alcohol was because of the sugar. I will get depressed if I consume any kind of sugar or sweetener. Artifical sweeteners are just as dangerous if not more so to the brain and central nervous system. The body given the right things will make it's own dna brand of sugar.
I believe children of alcoholics ought not ever be given any sugar at all. I know a lot of people give children all kinds of foods that have more sweeteners in it than anything. If there is a cure for alcoholism on the physical level this is it. When I got off the sweeteners all craving left and my thinking got very clear. Yoga helps too.

LadyinBC

Have you thought about getting one of thiose lights? They are suppose to work. You use it for a few hours in the afternoon. Your body thinks it's daylight.

TrixMixer

J41,

Why will they not prescribe the proper medicine for your depression? That is what the doctor is for , to find what works for your case and prescribe something specific for your condition. If one Medication doesn't work he should be willing to try another until you find the best solution.

Perhaps you need another doctor?

jkb

If "the right" meds for your anxiety are benzos then your right the Dr. may be very hesitant to prescribe them. Just a guess??

stairs

I agree with splendra. I used to pooh pooh the whole idea of sugar being addictive and causing me a problem because after all it's better than drinking.

Which is true to a point but I crossed the line and was using it like a drug, and had to get honest about it and start a new way of eating. So far, so good. I feel much less depressed and a little more energetic after only a week off my cookie/cake/chocolate habit.

newby1961

JF1 I feel for you because I too suffer from depression. I can get to the point that I won't want to leave the house, no AA meetings, no nothing. If I do somehow make myself go to an AA meeting then I usually arrive either on time or a few minutes late, and then I leave either before it is over or right after the prayer. What I have found is, of course AA will not work for me if I am putting nothing into it. I can not expect all those people to come to me, I need to reach my hand out. Also people can not read minds like I thought they should be able to.

EQ really summed it up saying, "it was an inside job and that we don't have to wait on others to start."

What I do know is, a head full of recovery and a tummy full of booze I wouldn't wish that on my worse enemy! If a person thinks they are depressed now OMG that is nothing compared to how they will feel, I know I tried it many, many, times.

I had to reach deep inside me and sum up that will to live, and that will to fight, no matter what. I also didn't per se believe in a HP but I didn't care I was just miserable enough to pray my a** off.

You can do it but you have to want to, or there is nothing any of us can say or do that is going to help! As a matter of fact if you are like me some of the posts will plain just **** you off. But its the truth and we are saying it cause we care and I know for me I would hate to see you return to that horror. Hang in there.

nandm

I am sorry you are struggling so.

I can very much relate to your situation as I have been fighting with depression and PTSD since before getting sober nearly 12 years ago. It seems like the fight with the depression and PTSD is a never ending one. I have been on the full spectrum of medications over the years with minimal results if any. It is to the point where my doctors are considering what many would consider to be a drastic treatment, ECT. The only main barrier to trying the treatment right now is that the main driver behind my depression is my PTSD and although ECT has been shown to be helpful for persistent medication and treatment resistant depression it has not been shown to be helpful for PTSD so they are weighing out whether it will be worth trying such a drastic measure. The scary thing is I honestly don't know what is left to try if we don't try that.

That said, there are several things I do know.

• I know that drinking will not help my depression or my mental health illnesses.
• I know that the answer could be just around the corner as new treatments and medications are being developed all the time.
• I know that for me to stand any chance of getting better I have to do some simple things like eating healthier, trying to get some exercise, trying the anxiety reduction methods that have been recommended like yoga and meditation, etc...
• I know that the Steps of AA help me with situational depression. When I am up against a life problem I can apply them to that problem and get a solution and some peace of mind about it.

I am fortunate as the desire to drink has been long since gone. I no longer have that obsession and I know that drinking is definitely not the answer. I have at least two problems in life. I am an alcoholic and I have to treat that problem which I treat with the program of AA. I also have mental health illnesses and I treat those under the care of a doctor and therapist. If I am not sober I don't stand a chance of my mental health problems getting better. I also know from experience that although alcohol may feel like it is helping my mental health problems for a bit it actually does more damage in the long run because it puts a barrier between the help I need to fix my mental health illnesses and myself.

I know life is a struggle and to be honest some days it is damn hard to even get out of bed but I also know that choosing to drink will only cause more it to be more of a struggle and just bring me and those that love me down. So the bottom line is you can choose to drink but when you do so you also choose to put a barrier between yourself and the help you need for your mental health illness. If you really want help then not drinking is the best start you can give yourself. The next would be talking to your doctor about what you are saying here. Truly expressing to him/her how you feel. Then they will have a better understanding and will be better able to partner with you to find a solution.

Justfor1

Yes they are. But I'm not going to debate how addictive they are, only a temporary solution, ect... My old psych Dr. retired & she knew my history & agreed that they would benefit me for emergency type situation. My new Dr. is very against it. But at the end of the day, I'm the consumer. I don't have insurance so I will have to find another free/low cost clinic. I can do it though as I am very good at seeking & receiving help.

jkb

yeah.. I was not judging nor do I care to debate anything. I have panic attacks and have taken xanax as needed. My doctor retired as well and I went through that issue. I just know doctors have become very hesitant in prescribing them... believe me I am not one to judge..lol

Sudz No More

So much time spent thinking about doing something, anything, but nonetheless relying on something. That is why I chose some time back that I would try to live as if I never was addicted at all. True, it doesn't always work because the back of my mind won't shut up but I find that most of time I forget that I ever had a problem.

The rest of the time I think about it I now have a counselor to answer to and I don't want to have to tell him that I have been drinking. It is just easier to not drink than have to feel like an ass and fess up to him.

That said, I noticed that you frequently write about being obsessed with things and not always just drinking or narcotics. I did that a lot too but I found that the less I focused on feeling needy, the less I actually cared that I was needy. The longer I go without feeling like I lost my crutch the less I think about it.

Hopefully you can focus your attention on something positive in your life and the negatives will seem less important.

Hang in there Buddy, you're not alone.

Justfor1

jk, sorry about that. It's just that I have had a lot of judgements cast down on me concerning that issue. My Dr. prescribed very limited quanities & would never allow a refill. I wish something else helped for the anxiety but nothing else really works. When my anxiety goes up, my depression frequently increases as well. Its a horrible struggle.