kizzie

Hi everyone,

I joined SR (re-joined, actually - can't remember my last username) a few days ago and thought it was time I shared a bit of my story. Prior to last July, I'd been sober for two years and two months with the help of SR and by attending AA meetings. I was a wine drinker and had been building up to 1 1/2 or 2 bottles every other night. Looking back, I can't really figure out how I summoned the strength to stay sober in the first 6 weeks. Then I became pregnant (a much wanted child) and it was suddenly easy to stay away from alcohol. That feeling of just not wanting to risk it stayed with me until mid-last year. Then I had a glass of wine while my 15-month old son and I were travelling a long-haul flight alone. A few weeks later, a few more while I was dealing with a stressful family situation ... And so on.

In the past two months I've been creeping toward my old habit. Right now the craving hits about once every 4 to 6 days, and the wine bottle comes out. I know where this is going, and I want to stop it before it gets worse. But my AV ... it's cruel. I feel so sad, so ashamed, so ANGRY with myself for having given away my sobriety and serenity. Sometimes reading the SR threads brings up anxiety that I want to quell with a drink. My last drink/bottle of wine was Thursday, and Saturday was a pretty hard day for me mentally. I felt resentful that I couldn't have what I wanted! Such a tantrum going on inside. Today has been better but I know I'm in for more.

I'm also on meds for depression, and they are probably due for a tweak. I'm now seeing a psychiatrist & psychotherapist but I'm not sure about his views on my drinking behaviour. I may not have been assertive enough in telling him my history, but he seems to think that if we address my negative self talk, my anxiety will subside and my alcohol 'abuse' as he puts it will recede as well. Yes, negative self talk is a big issue for me right now, but a lot of it is related to my urge to drink. Alcoholism and other addictions run in my family so it's not all about just a dysfunctional 'behaviour' IYKWIM.

Anyway, I'm beginning to ramble so I'll stop here. Thanks for having me

MrTumble

Most welcome.

Ive been in a similar situation. I am a single father, I stayed sober until my son was about 2 and then just started drinking again. I have been quit (with one hiccup) for 4 months.

The reason I tell you this, is that for me, it was beyond belief painful to wakeup every day, having consumed 2 bottles the night before and have to get my now 4 year old son ready for school, and to do all the other things a good parent should do.

I really cannot be a good parent alone with the booze, well, reality is, i couldnt be a good parent if i was with 10 people and drank.

I also think of the future, when my son is 12-13 yrs old, by then he will know what a drunk is, and that's what i will be then if i dont do something about it now. I dont want my son to lose all respect for me. Of course he is only 4 now, but my drinking is only ever going to get worse.

Besides that, what a boring life I have infront of me if it just consists of nights drunk and days immobile due to a hangover... how tedious and what a waste of a life.

(I should mention I have a full time career also...)

SO lets all get sober

heath480

Sorry you are struggling kizzie.

Can you get back to the meetings? Get a babysitter or take the little one with you?

Have you got contact numbers from when you were in AA? If you ask for help it will be there.

You were sober before ,you will be again.

ivegotsunshine

I am not a parent but an alcoholic for sure. Getting up and getting myself ready for the day was hard enough. Kudos to all of you parents, especially the single ones! Staying sober isn't just about you anymore.
Congrats to us all on sobriety!
Welcome back Kizzie

My Sis takes her son to meetings. Not so much now but definitely when he was younger. He was a bit of a celebrity there.
I don't however, agree with sharing too much about your addiction with them at a young age. Be careful if you chose to do this as my nephew has faced some hard truths because of my sister's "openness" in her and his dad's recovery

kizzie

Thanks, everyone. My husband is supportive and happy to take care of the little one for whatever it takes to get me back on track. MrTumbles, you are soooo right, it's a terrible feeling to know I'm not doing my best for the tyke because I'm hung over. So the guilt of that is of course overlaid on everything else. I've been to two meetings recently but I'm struggling with whether AA is the right fit for me. I have copies of Beyond the Influence and Rational Recovery from my last bout with this beast and I find that understanding the physiological stuff that makes me 'different' from a non-addictive drinker helps keep me on track. I'll keep going to meetings whenever I feel the need. Not sure about the whole program though. I suppose a primitive form of AVRT is what got me back on track before.

ivegotsunshine, I feel very much the same about sharing all the gory details with my son at such a young age (he's nearly 2). I will definitely be honest with him about my history and our family history with alcoholism when he is older, so that he knows what his risks are relative to some of his peers if and when he takes that first drink. I am determined, though, that he won't have to witness my drunkenness for himself.

I'll admit though that while I'm glad to be back on SR, talking about all these issues with you all has got my anxiety level up a bit and I can feel that nasty voice in the back of my head telling me how much better I'd feel after just a glass of wine. I'm not in any danger of giving in; I'm just acknowledging that it's there. Time for a bit of gardening before the little one wakes up, I think. xox

BruceJ

You guys sound like you've made it through the hard part....you've admitted the problem.
Honesty sometimes becomes life and death here. Please be honest with doctors and other mental health folks. It's tempting sometimes to try and tell the pros what we need and what is best for us.....if we had that talent, we wouldn't need help.
Take care of yourselves and the kiddos.
All the best.