john44

Really mostly at myself. I actually felt pretty good yesterday, went to another meeting last night. Today? Bad, just bad. I'm realizing the damage this last relapse has done. I could just kick myself. Trying to pray a lot.

Gal220

I've definitely had days like that! It gets better, just keep at it!

Nonsensical

8 days ago I drank enough to kill a normal human. 7 days I go I was filled with remorse and desperation. I feel pretty good today. Hang in there, John, it gets better.

soberclover

Maybe taking a hard look at the damage that this relapse caused will make you not want to drink again...and it could be a Good day!

robgt350

hay jon, sometimes looking at bad things and what it could have done to you might help you next time. i had many of those days. so dont give up

paul99

John,

Thanks for posting the quick but honest truth of yours today. I have gone through it, and I can guess that most of the other people who have achieved sobriety here have gone through it. Those who are struggling in their sobriety definitely go through this. This self-directed anger is just another manifestation of guilt, shame and remorse. These are the things that alcoholism like to use to keep us on a short leash. Feel bad about yourself? Get some Absolut medicine. Can't shrug off the shame of the last 2 years? Forget the meetings and hang out with Mr. Walker. He always makes you feel good, right? All bogus, of course.

Getting past these emotions, and the wreckage of our past, takes time and it takes some work. In AA we go through the inventory, then later we go through the amends. We see where our patterns, behaviours and thoughts are and then later on we make right to those who we have harmed. We clean up our side of the street. Guilt, shame and remorse no longer have a place at the table.

This is something that is going to come up, and it's easy to kick ourselves when we're down. But take solace in the fact that you're taking responsibility for your sobriety now - you're going to meetings, you're opening up here, and you're taking care of things at home and outside home that need to be taken care of. You're moving forward, and you not drinking.

Go easy on yourself.

All the best

Hevyn

I agree, go easy. Be forgiving and kind to john. You will get past this dark time and everything will begin to improve.

john44

Yeah, I am trying to look at it that way. A lot of people out there have it way worse than I do.

Impurrfect

((john)) been there, done that. I sunk into a major funk early in recovery, full of remorse, shame, and anger. Yes, I brought on my own consequences, but darn, were they ever going to end?

Almost 6 years later, I'm still dealing with some of the consequences. However, I no longer make bad choices that will lead to MORE bad stuff, and I figure that, at some point, I will come out even and maybe even get ahead?

We did what we did, and we can't undo it. However, we can become a totally different person and keep moving forward. Sometimes it's by inches, sometimes by a mile. Some days, I tear up at the gratitude of what recovery has brought me.

Give yourself a break, be kind to yourself...and keep moving forward. It gets better, I promise.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

john44

Thanks everyone, for the encouraging words.

Funny thing is: I remember a few years ago, before things started getting bad, I'd be worrying about things (you know how we alkies like to obsess) and have a couple drinks and they'd go away. Now, that my problems are way worse, I'm NOT ALLOWED TO SHUT THEM OFF!

Hehe. It's actually pretty poetic in a sadistic kind of way.

john44

OK, so I thought about this anger that just kept welling up today. I really had to analyze it because I don't want to be an angry person and I'm sure it's not conducive to a solid recovery. I believe the anger is coming from fear, probably overblown fears about the future. I think I just need to relax, focus on my recovery and do the things I can do, not what I wish I could do to improve my current situation.

peanut44

If nothing else, at least you can learn from this. You always have that.

And thanks for sharing your honest thoughts with us!!=)

wellwisher

I'd say your posts are pretty perceptive John -

I had a wise, recovered counselor tell me that when the football field looks a little too big, to parse it down into yards. I cannot tell you how that one sentence helped me early on; when I was wracked with worry about the future, and hated looking back at what I did.

I promised myself that I would do my best each day, not drink, do a little something toward recovery each day, and before I knew it, I had a little pile of "doing the right thing" that started distancing my thoughts from what was and bridged the gap to see what can be.

As others have said, be kind to yourself, be patient and before you know it, you'll have a small "bank" of successes to draw on which will help smack down that feeling of fear and more likely will point to future possibilities. Give time some time.

Veritas1

This happened for me today.

What helped was to get a pen and paper and write out the resentments and fears.

I have resentment at _____, because I have fear ___.

ex. I have a resentment towards myself because I have fear over the damage done while drinking.

Please God, remove my resentments and fears, I pray only for knowledge of your will for us, and the power to carry that out. Love, ___.

When these fears and resentments crop up, we write it down, and then ask God to remove it.

As we awaken to our truth, we are shown things that are upsetting.

I am trying to be grateful for that which is being shown to me.

I think there would be something wrong with us, if we did not feel upset.

If you are anything like me...the truth hurts.

Hang in there.

TheEnd

Yea I felt like that too when I relapsed. The question is what are you going to do about it.