deeker

deek alkie, I have an illness of body , spirit and mainly mind .


There's no one too dumb for this program, but it's possible to be too smart.

Why do I believe it is OK to work my recovery only when it is convenient? Because I am so smart . ha!

Did I only drink when it was convenient? In the end, was drinking convenient to me?

My illness/mind convinces me its a good idea to take a break from something that literally saves my life. My program of recovery .Isn't that crazy? .


It tells me I am being selfish today to put recovery before anything or anyone else. My mind tells me to lighten up and that recovery is not really about life or death, at least not today. "I am fine today."

It tells me "Today I need a break." I went to 2 meetings yesterday , I am ok ."After all, I'll do it tomorrow. What's the big deal about today?"

It says:
" So what, if I thought about drinking/drugging every day. So what, if I have this illness every day. I will do what I need to do tomorrow. Today I need a break."
\
My illness wants me out of reality (insane), ultimately by being drunk or high. But, if not that then, stuck in the past in my head or worrying about the future, will satisfy this cunning illness just fine.


My mind/ my illness convinces me that doing this and that for my recovery to save my life is just monotonous and not all that important today .

My illness talks to me It reasons with me in my mind, It says "today you need to work around the house. You can go to your meeting tomorrow. You will feel good if you clean your house and have less guilt."


"Today you need to rest. You are tired after all and you must take care of yourself so give up your meeting today to rest. You deserve it you worked hard for your recovery yesterday".

"Today you feel kinda blah. It's ok People will understand, You can tell a little white lie to your sponsor why you didn't hit a meeting"


"Today you need to help someone who really doesn't want it or is not really able to benefit from your help. But, go ahead and ignore your needs just today and help them.* Its the right thing to do and it will make you feel good."


This illness is also living one day at a time, it's goal, keeping me away from recovery, keeping me from making time to call my sponsor, or read literature, or pray, or get to a meeting - just for today.



It says take care of the outside stuff, the stuff that makes you look good .

But will gaining or regaining any of that outside stuff keep me sober?

One day at a time, my illness/ mind works to keep me from working my program as it waits patiently for me to give up, due to lack of spiritual growth and to eventually pick up a drink/drug .

It's cunning baffling and powerful and even having that knowledge has not always saved me from a relapse. Action, Action,Action is what my sponsor tells me all the time .

Isolation is the worst thing I can do as an alkie/addict and it is the one thing I struggle with most and my illness loves it .

This illness has won several times in my life.I liken it to the Devil. I have been coming around since 1981 but if I stay vigilant today and see what it is , which is a lie. I will be ok.


I hope I don't have to fall on my face anymore but I only have today.What's your disease saying today or do you have it on mute?



Thanks

Quinne

I actually didn't converse with my disease today, but it is always, always bubbling underneath.

I said my prayer, read the daily reflection.

Texted my sponsor and a handful of other alcoholics.

Read posts on this site (it's my new morning paper )

I had planned to get to my regular monday meeting, but after I jumped out of the shower, I stopped. I realised just how mentally fatigued and foggy I was, not to mention physically drained. That's what I get for chipping away for 3 hours revising last night as exams are coming up in two weeks :/

I checked my motives. I simply needed to rest! I ended up having two naps today :/

However, I do understand *exactly* what you're saying and where you're coming from. There have been occasions where my disease has said "oh, but you're doing so well! You're re-integrating into society and have more important things to do. You're special. You're different. Oldtimers say you're doing really well for someone with 8 months of sobriety, therefore......" Lies. All lies.

Thanks for the reminder

Xx

paul99

There is always a chatter that goes on in our minds like that, especially early in recovery. It's a matter of how much of that chatter you indulge and how much of it you ignore. That back and forth, back and forth takes up a lot of energy. I have learned to simmer that stuff right down, ignore most of it. But it took me a little bit of time, and like your sponsor mentioned, actions to make it so.

deeker

[QUOTE=Quinne;3804376]I actually didn't converse with my disease today, but it is always, always bubbling underneath.

Thank You Quinne, it does sound like you are doing well!! Keep up the good work. i don't even know you and I am so proud of you.

Quinne

Thank you, deeker I *always* get a lot out of your posts

Xx

Nonsensical

Mine is telling me to plan a business trip so I can be alone in a hotel room where no one will see us.

Then he asked me to take my boot off his neck.

I'm still really mad at him.