Dan

Some days I just have to chalk it up to a life lived. Being face to face with myself and who I am is something I ran away from for an awful long time. It's one of the great gifts of sobriety I suppose that I am enjoying this time of introspection for what it really is; a moment of pause, a stepping away from the hub. Given the fact that I am usually a pretty easy guy to get along with and will tolerate most anything, I am surprised by the new things that catch my eye and evoke unpleasant emotions and visceral, impulsive gut reactions. When I was an active addict/alcoholic in all my glory, few were the things you could do or the things you could say that would have me turn my head, much less care about them. And in a twisted way, I miss that insousciance, that terribly sick outlook on life and of the people and things therein. That imagined freedom of really thinking you don't give a damn is a casualty of recovery. Part and parcel of the awakening. And I'm loving every minute of it. For the longest time I simply figured I had no desire to alter the person I am, the place I occupy relative to others close to me, the way I relate and react to events in my life. The status quo was a very comfortable and safe place to exist. So I take this very new awareness as a gift. I accept that my perception of people and the things they say is very different now. I actually enjoy, in a deep down way, the things that bother me. What a weird road I'm travelling.

Sally

You sound great Dan Congratulations
It sounds like a wonderful road....better than standing still, and missing out.
My A has just finished a treatment program and it is a relief to see your posts..I can see that you are advancing, growing, in your recovery, and it gives me such FAITH...and hope...I know it a continous journey and I think it's an exciting one....


Regards

ted

OH DANNY BOY.YOU'LL BE 10 FOOT TALL,ALL THE GROWING YOUR DOING.MY MAN.STAYIN STRONG ted

mackat

heh dan
missed ya at th meeting[still clueless in the chat ]- like this stuff bout gratitude for the responses. I was long time waaay too cool to let anyone see what was going on inside [vulnerable? who? me?] A few years back, my sponsor and my son were both visiting me. I was in some kind of wierd state, self pity, being Constant Critic - basically an ungrateful SOB. Sponsor Kenny finally had enough "family meeting!!"
He told me: "you are hurting my feelings and your son's feelings- we're both outside about to cry" [this from a man who had spent almost 33 years in daily fistfights] I handed them a bunch of basic BS- still had th weight o the world on poor me. So the other day, a guy on my crew takes a verbal shot at me - and scores- Instead of old behavior [planning the revenge, putting the body parts in the blender, pouring em in the cactus bushes]i turned to him and said"dude, that really hurt my feelings"
WOW! all was righted immediately. and i called kenny that evening to make the amends for that long ago action and to tell him what he had taught me - i know i know -slow learner. ..progress not [what's that other word?]
thanks for your insight
mackat

Dan

Yep, you said it. Only up here, we use the overgrown spruce grove down the road! Thanks for the share mac. I saw you at the meeting too, but the bytes just weren't on our side tonight.

mountaingirl

Hi Dan,
I think I know what you mean - just feeling things that you used to stuff is a rush. Even bad stuff. I know that for a very long time I had no anger, because anger was inappropriate. Oh, yeah, so I can do everything distructive to myself or people around me as long as I label it frustration or stress or hurt...that was my illusion.
Now feeling angry about anything is sort of a revelation. I realize now that anger is not automatically bad. It is a fight/flight reflex to a situation that needs to be righted, atleast for me. If I have anger, now that I can't drink it or smoke it, I have to feel it and respond! What an epiphany!
And, Oh, tell my husband to duck...

Chy

Oh it is good to step back into life isn't it my friend? *hugs*

Justme57

Hi Mountain girl

Your post really spoke to me ! As long as I can remember , I have always envied people who could be angry and show it , I have never known why I felt like that , and probably still dont . I am finding it so hard to just " be " with me , I do hope this passes, and I begin to learn " who " I am . Even as a child,I was discouraged to show any emotion, and now I have no clue , but I am willing to learn, but a bit scared

HUGX
Lee

spirit

one doesnt have to be angry to show ones negative feelings, one can be assertive a very difficult art, becuase emotions often overtake us and we become angry etc.

so by removing the way we used to experience anger, i like MG's idea of drinking or smoking it haha, then we have to learn other ways to express it and sometimes we realise that whatever is making us angry aint that much of a problem, or doenst warrant such a drastic response

hugs
kath

Dan

Mack...
Miss ya

Millwallj

you know Dan, the whole recovery experience could be converted around as a positive one. even the bad stuff is fu cking great as you are noticing. its amazing.

we dont have to dredge along, being a slave to our "heads". brill post.

Dan

Well Mill, it's well over a year since I wrote the first post on the thread...
Change is inevitable