Thepatman

The reality is that I watched my mom waste her life over analysing things, waiting for opportunities, waiting to be happy, taking her time doing things, pushing away good men because she was not ready for a relationship. Then the doctor told her she only had a few months to live. Too late, a life wasted waiting for some magical miracle to happen.

Those who know about the secret might understand. Abundance will never fall from the sky YOU have to create it in your mind first. If everyone got off their couch today stop looking at their little egocentric existence and make something positive happen this world would not be in the mess it's in right now.

And so it is

Weasel1966

Everyone deserves to be loved. And meeting someone new can be very intoxicating. Pun intended.

I have not got things under control. Drinking and drugs. I need to do that. I am in a relationship. Sorta. But I need to bow out of everything in my life right now. I need to relearn how to live sober. With out that basic life skill nothing I say to anyone matters. I love you loses its meaning.

If you feel secure in your sobriety. Go for it. Love big. I get that. If you falter. Drink again. Consider that you are now not hurting just you. You may be hurting someone else.

sugarbear1

Well said, Weasel. Not only that, but in early recovery I was pretty much a functional mess, so what did I have to bring to a relationship? Not only that, but who would I attract; most likely another person as broken as I.

I think I'll wait this time around. Oh, yeah, I've been there, and the results were not nice to me or to him......

Gal220

Well, you asked for success stories, so here's mine. I met someone in the rooms of AA when I first came in that I would have never considered dating for a myriad of reasons. People always told me not to date in AA, but I just laughed at them because I didn't date at all. I was there to save my life. I wasn't concerned with dating. But somewhere around the 60 day mark, I started hanging out with a group of AA people outside of meetings. One thing led to another, and I started seeing someone when I had about 100 days.

We were friends/dated for a year, were engaged for a year, and have now been married three years. We have a one year old daughter. He's perfect for me, even though we're incredibly (laughably and ridiculously) different, and I never would have chosen him for myself. I know that God put him in my life.

One thing I've learned in AA is that we do not regret the past, and I don't regret meeting and marrying my husband. On the contrary: other than my relationship with my Higher Power and my sobriety, marrying him was the best thing to ever happen to me. But now that I have some time in sobriety, I do regret the timing a bit.

I truly believed I was solid in my sobriety when we started dating, despite not doing everything my chosen program (AA) suggested. I was happy and therefore didn't want to do the work. I let my relationship distract me. For a long time, I was fine. But now I'm realizing that I'm not. The solid rock foundation I thought I had turned out to be sand. I'm still not drinking, but I'm definitely not living a sober, happy, fulfilled life, even though my circumstances are wonderful. So now I find myself at the beginning again. I have to go back and work on the things that I should have worked on five years ago or I will end up drinking or worse.

So success in the relationship, for sure! Sobriety, not so much.

hamabi

Well done on your 2 months. No opinion at all on the new relationship, other than love's a very good thing and to be enjoyed when it comes around.

You're not going to be distracted from putting your primary focus on doing some actions to recover, which is the basis for the 1 year suggestion, so why not become involved at this point if you fall for someone and there aren't clearly apparent negatives?

ODAT63

As a codependent, I can say your new date is one....and if she doesn't have a "program" or knowledge of alcoholism (like me 25 years ago), she will be sorry!! and you too.
The I want o fix him...and I want to help him!! .....RED FLAGS!!

Db1105

I had to learn how to love and respect myself before I could love and respect others

escapist

Beautiful love story. I agree with the quality of sobriety not quantity. I was sober for three years. No dating.
I got involved with someone and it was a disaster. So who knows? Just being sober was obviously not enough.

Thepatman

Again lot's of good input guys. All stories are personal experiences. So I have a 50/50 chance this will work. Better odds then lottery. I'll keep my ticket ;-)

Btw, I told her about my drinking problem. She is well aware of Alcoholism from her family. We will not talk about it again, I don't expect her to save me, only to respect the fact that I'm a non-drinker. She's cool with that. Red flag someone said? LOL! On the contrary. She digs me sober and not running for the hills, that's precious.

I really have a hard time with some of the extreme negativity towards being an Alcoholic. Some sound like this is a life sentence and I'm doomed to be miserable. Sorry for the wording here but there is no way in hell I will play the victim with a terrible decease and pity myself like my mother did until I die. I'll put myself out of own misery before I turn into a miserable sober. I'm incredibly happy I don't see anything wrong with that. But I know it doesn't feed the daily drama...

Yes this might fail, like any other relationship but Alcohol won't be a factor I don't drink.

LadyinBC

I think everyone has to do what is best for them. For me, I don't need the extra baggage of a relationship. I have too much stuff I have to work on and I need to be selfish in my sobriety and spend the time on me.

I personally can't imagine trying to stop drinking, staying sober, fixing myself and on top of that worrying about someone else. But that is just me.

I know some people have started relationships in the first year and it works for them. It depends on your comfort level. I have always been a people pleaser so now I am trying to be a me pleaser, if that makes any sense!

Dee74

With all due respect Pat, it's not about being miserable at all - I didn't get sober to be miserable.

Sometimes I had to accept I had to wait on some stuff tho, cos I had work to do. Serious work.

I was rebuilding my house from the basement up.

I was really messed up - I needed more work on myself before I was emotionally and mentally prepared for everything that comes with a relationship, and I had to wait before I had something worthwhile to offer someone else.

This may not be your situation... but it's where I'm coming from

D

Nirvana1

I met my fiance at 3 months sober. We kept in touch and started talking seriously when I was 9 months sober. I got laid off from my job and moved to her city 2,000 miles away at 10 months sober. I'm now over 2 years sober and we are getting married this summer.

I say do what feels right and doesn't compromise your sobriety.

TrixMixer

....and I will say you may be right ODAT. That will not change what "thepatman" is feeling! As long as HIS sobriety is #1, let us hope it works out.

You and I both know he is not going to step back now--that is why I say what I say.

Windancer

Sobriety first!
My psychologist knows about the one year "rule"...and also thinks it rarely happens. He says as long as you have quality sobriety, are still working on it, and are honest about it, dont let something super special slip you buy. He also says to beware of copependence issues,.as he thinks that should go hand in hand when rediscovering yourself and healing sobriety. A healthy relationship is a healthy relationship......whatever the people are going through. I just think it is important to really know the difference.

Best of luck Thepatman!!! Hope it works out! ANd if it doesnt, know that everything happens for a reason, learn from it, and know their are more fish in the sea. And the most important person to love is yourself

ZombieAttack

While I understand the sentiments behind waiting for a year before you embark on a meaningful relationship, I also think that if things feel right, then go for it.

An added bonus that you mentioned is that she is not much of a drinker. That could be of major benefit to you, to be around someone who has nothing to do with hard drinking.

ocloudsaboveme

As long as you aren't seeking a relationship as a distraction or escape, I don't see why dating someone special would be off-limits. If you happen to meet someone, you can't really help the timing.

I'd just be careful to keep the focus on your own personal growth, though, even if you are in a relationship. It's hard to tell sometimes when your focus starts to slip, even with the best intentions.

Good luck!

Threshold

Been thinking about this as the thread progresses. As I deal with the relationship issues in my own life as well.

Is it the sex, the expectation...what? because we are always in relationships with people, coming and going and drama etc. I mean when I think of all of the friends, coworkers, potential "lovers", new in laws, etc that have come and gone and ebbed and flowed in my life since I started recovery...No new relationships is a laughable concept.

It's not like we have a choice, but we draw a circle around THIS category of relationships. I am not saying we shouldn't, but I AM wondering why this type of relationship is so different.

I've done everything wrong since I got sober. every single major change you are supposed to avoid...has happened. Much of it not by my choice, but there it is.

The instinct to seek and maintain a mate is very powerful. For some of us it feels like a necessity to survive.

My security has been threatened, compromised and lost in nearly every area of my life in the past few years. This appears to be my decade of living dangerously, whether I choose it or not.

So, inside the question lurks...does the percentage of people who get sober and get into relationships in the first year and maintain recovery differ from the percentage of people who get sober and don't get into a relationship and maintain recovery. (the scientist in me is showing)

Or is it a straw man?

I don't know, I'm just thinking out loud. The percentage of people who get sober and are still sober a year later isn't high no matter the circumstances.

I suppose anything we can do to increase our odds is worthwhile. But it is also possible that for some people having a special someone might increase their odds.

After living in a camper with no plumbing...the thought of having a mate to share the nitty gritty, help pay the bills and keep a roof over my head with, looks pretty enticing.

TrixMixer

Excellent post, Threshold,

I agree with your view! The RELATINOSHIP as a straw man? Interesting.

I do know the heart takes us many places are head tells us not to venture into. Love and the need to be loved is a very strong need. As they say you cannot help who you fall in love with, nor when it happens.

Irregardless of what we should or should not due during our quest for sobriety --Love is the one thing we really cannot control, don't you think?

The emptional investment in a relationship is the danger---as long as we go into that relationship understanding that for an alcoholic WE must come first , well I guess we just do the best we can.

.....or you can avoid people totally, but even then LOVE will find a way.IMOO

LSNP

GO FOR IT! Do NOT let a dumb rule stop you from exploring something so difficult to find.

Windancer

If it is meant to be, it will be. If not Im sure many lessons will be learned along the way. Therefore, no time has been wasted.
Do what feels right for YOU Thepatman.