catmilkyo

Sorry, I'm going to ramble a little. It's Christmas Day and I spent the whole day alone. I always thought that if I ever spent Christmas Day alone it would be because I was messed up and alienated or because I was far away and doing something interesting with my life. I don't have the best feelings toward my family but I'd rather be around them then be alone. I think? I don't know. I'm confused.

Really confused.

I had one year sober but I had a glass of wine last night after getting back into town. And now I have a four pack of beer in my apartment today.
My sister - who lives in town - was supposed to get together with me, but declined without saying she declined. It was typical. I've put myself out there for her so much, but after I ended a long term relationship a little over a month ago and we both live far from parents. . . I just thought maybe she'd see that we got together for a few hours today. But no.

To top it off my phone is dead. I have no charger (lost it) and no money to buy a new one.

I keep wondering if I'm really alcoholic, and questioning what that means. (Intellectualizing my decision to drink) Then I'm just tired of being so upset lately. I know these are all the wrong decisions. Wrong.
I should be strong, be alone. Why is it so hard to be alone? Does this mean there is something pathologically wrong with me - that it hurts so bad?

I have no friends. No family (that cares) in this town. In the group of people I was associated with, my ex is . . . well, he's better "in" then me, and so I have to deal with that. (He was a liar, cheater, selfish person in general. He treated me bad, but once again, I let my loneliness make my decisions for me. We just broke up a little over a month ago, I ended it finally) I graduate college next spring. I should just leave. I was having my doubts about leaving, but now I know. . . I just need to leave this town. There's nothing here. It's too hard, I don't want to "make new friends" when I already know everyone I'd want to be friends with and my history is out there. I have a lot of social anxiety which makes it even more difficult. Also, my sister. . . she's been such a jerk to me, I don't feel like I need to stay on her behalf.

I'm not going to let this be a "full relapse"
maybe I should email my therapist. Go to an AA meeting. Pick up and go again. I hate Christmas. And I have New Years to look forward to alone as well. I'm also broke. As in, I have 20 dollars.

My phone is dead and I lost the charger.

I'm just so lonely. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself, I know. I probably need to stop caring what others think of me and do what I need to do to stay sober - which means meetings, associating with people I wouldn't normally have much in common with, etc. I also realize that I can't do this entirely alone, like I have, the past year. The pain of spending holidays alone after this breakup is just too much without someone to reach out to. I don't really need advice because I know I just need to quit turning to alcohol but this is a hard time of year. Any experience anyone has. . . could help.

Thanks for letting me vent, which is what I really needed to do. Happy holidays to those who are religious or celebrate.

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You do not have to let yourself get out of control. Call the AA hot line and get to a meeting. It can end now your choice. I hope things work out for you. Good luck on your journey. Love and Respect. Logo

Dee74

I don't think drinking is the solution.
Alcoholism is probably one of the most isolating illnesses on the planet.

Drinking gives us no answers - drinkings not about change it's about maladjustment and resigning ourselves to the status quo.

Sitting at home getting maudlin as you work your way through the 4 pack will not make you feel better about being on your own - but putting the beer down and getting out and meeting people just might catmilkyo

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catmilkyo

lol. my tolerance is so low from a year of sobriety and quitting cigarettes. i get drunk off of one. i know this. i just don't know who i need to meet. i pick the wrong people, my ex had some drug problems, for example. aa meetings. i just need to go tomorrow, find where ever i can. get a number. i know. thanks. this site was one of the tools i used to get a year together and thats the longest i've ever had.

Fernaceman

Sounds like you know what you need to do and what will most likely solve this loneliness problem you're experiencing.

Hope you choose what God's telling you to do.

sugarbear1

If you weren't drinking, you might be able to clean up a bit and find that charger. Call your sis and let her know how important she is to you and that you need to see her badly. Let her know you feel alone and isolated from those who you love.

Next time you go to a meeting, find a sponsor and work the steps, those steps can give you relief and freedom from misery!

I wish you well on you sober journey!

paul99

So all these things were in place before you picked up the drink...then you picked up the drink. You're broke, but have money for booze. You say you would rather be around your family then be alone, but chose to be alone. You say you need to be strong alone, but you talk about all the people in your life who you are disconnected from. These are the things that we do. I know, because I have done those and more.

You mentioned being sober for a year....and it sounds like it was just abstaining. That doesn't address the kinds of things that have been happening this year and which lead to the drink. Favourite expression by alcoholics - "I know, but..."

You know what you need to do. I hope and pray you do it. It's not as scary as it seems. I made things larger and gloomier than they actually were. It doesn't have to be like this!

It sounds like you want this...so I wish you the best on your new life of sobriety!