behindblueyes

I havent felt the need to run to the liquor store like this in months. I have been sober for weeks (i really need to count up the days but am hysterical) and this guy has been helping me keep occupied. I have had him to turn to whenever I needed to vent about my recent car issues, phone being stolen, having to go to court and basically things I would pick the bottle up about. We started dating and went out last Wednesday. We had the absolute best time together. He asked me out for this Wednesday in advance.

But i woke up to a text message saying he had received a call from a former ex and was going to try to work it out with her. He said he would please like to be friends. I have known this man for 8 months and he caused me to relapse four months ago when he was forced to fire me from work. Im so sad and the friends thing is a joke to make it hurt less since i will never be friends with him and he knows it.

I said some horrible awful things about how he is 31 and needs to grow up and quit wasting my time and is a effed up person. So in the end i lose my best friend and am fighting so hard to figure out how to remain sober because the self esteem is GONE and
thats when thea drinking voice says you were never good enough.... he replaced you. Just throw it all away you have no other friends they all drink anyway. Please please dont tell me to go to AA. Ive been to over ten meetings and theyre all like drones sitting there mumbling the same lines over and over every week. Thanks.


I absolutely can not delete the text below this line on a motorola Droid and its adding to my stress!!!!! Any way to make this easier on us who don are without computers to post? Grrr







Please do meetings here that are open meetings. Thanks. not getting into it. Thanks.

suki44883

First of all, the program off AA is not meetings; it is working the steps with a sponsor. Whether you choose AA or some other kind of support, it is obvious you do need some face-to-face support. Perhaps an addictions counselor would work. You need to get past the point where you automatically turn to alcohol when something goes wrong in your world. No one can cause you to relapse. That is something you choose to do when you want to numb yourself.

I hope you will look into some type of face-to-face support for yourself.

choublak

Have you tried writing/journaling this instead?

paul99

No one causes us to relapse. Things in life happen and it's the way we react to them that puts the bottle to our lips. So your reaction to your hurt was to drink. Be clear, it's not his fault you drank. You just didn't like what he did and you reacted by drinking.

I know I looked to everything and everyone as the cause for my drinking. It wasn't until I started to get clear about things that I realized that no one thing or person caused me to drink. We all fight self-esteem issues, believe me. I always had a "less than" attitude towards myself.

My feeling is that regardless of what is going on - bad day, phone issues, court, etc. is that we should be able to take that on ourselves. The people in our lives aren't the steam valves that prevents us from picking up a drink. We can vent and open up, but what happens when that person isn't there? We need to have the strength to take what is going in our lives on ourselves as well. Support is important, of course. I wouldn't be where I am without it, but I also need to cope with life without drink, without running to anyone and everyone. Blaming him for your two last relapses and any other issues is not fair to him and doesn't help you when things turn south.

I am sorry to hear that he broke up with you - it's never fun, drunk or sober. But taking a look at where your part is in this might prevent future issues. Perhaps focusing on yourself rather than worrying about a relationship will also help down the line.

See? I didn't mention AA once.

TheJungianThing

Rejection does suck, but it didn't cause my drinking. My drinking was caused because I liked the effect alcohol produced. Alcohol never told me I wasn't good looking enough for it, was too irresponsible, needed to grow up, etc.. It was my "friend" in good times and in bad times. I loved alcohol, it put me in the "I don't care, I can deal with it" space I needed to be in. BUT, the pull to drink was heaviest when my emotions were riled up so I understand. When times were good alcohol was like the enhancer when times got emotional, it was like I needed it bad.

Truth is, I needed it all the time, I was alcoholic.

I hope you stay sober and get what you need. Sobriety has been an amazing experience for me and I'm not smart, not good looking and I"m not rich either so it isn't because I'm "special" that I'm sober. You can get and stay sober and have an awesome life.


Good luck.

soberlicious

Nothing causes us to drink. It is a choice. Deal with the uncomfortable, or don't. If I choose to drink as a way to "cope", then it's all on me.

There are things that have happened after I quit drinking that were so painful I literally thought I would die. Curled up fetal position bad. But what do you know...those events and feelings didn't kill me after all. I'm sorry you are sad and I too know the pain of rejection, but you are fully capable of getting through this with clarity... and you will be stronger for it. xo

Fandy

If you depend on yourself instead of a fragile relationship with someone, you're going to be better off. You cannot go around accusing people of being immature and effed up...it comes back to bite you.

If you drink it really was YOUR choice, I hope you decide you won't drink and move ahead to better times.

Elisabeth888

Drinking does not soften the blow of rejection. Remember that when you think you might drink.

I am sorry you are going through this. But it sounds like you need to work on yourself. I used to blame others for my drinking too. It boils down to this: it is your choice to drink. Life has ups and downs and you have to learn to cope with them. Without drinking.

Hopeworks

If he caused you to relapse 4 months ago and he is immature and effed up maybe this is something you needed to know now so you could reflect on your path you are forging towards an alcohol free life.

Doesn't sound like relationship material to me at all and certainly not a great time to try to balance a sober life with a relationship.

Are you sure you need to be "distracted" by someone or would it be more productive to be free to concentrate on you and how you best can learn what is your path to recovery?

Turn the focus off of guys or dating or anything other than the most important thing in your life right now... you. You may be the person you are looking for and you need to unravel you and find what makes a happy productive sober life for YOU!

Forget the guy! Heck... they mess us up when we are sober! They mess up normies! Most relationships fail! Right?

I am not going to say the dirty word... but you do need to go on a mission to find something that DOES WORK for you.

Because you are important and you do NOT need some guy to complete you or distract or keep you sober!

Hope that helps. Dry your tears. Honey... they ain't worth it!

stepping

He did not cause you to relapse hun, YOU are the reason you relapse.
Not being tough on you at all. I do feel sorry that you feel this way.
I promise you ..this too shall pass.
Focus on you! Take this as an opportunity to GROW sober. An opportunity to not have someone else (that is obviously not a good relationship for YOU from the post above) blocking you from finding out who behindblueeyes is.

Take care of yourself. I hope you dont spend so much time staring at the closed door and miss the one that opened right in front of you.

:ghug3

redneckrecovery

Here are my suggestions. They may work, they may not.

First and the very first rule is don't drink. No matter what. Us alcoholics can't handle it. So lock yourself at home, call in sick, cut up your debit card, but don't drink.

Second, talk to someone, anyone. Talk to the air and ask for help. You can believe in a high power or not, but just sit down and talk to someone, like I said, even if it's an imaginary person. I had a problem with bottling up my feelings and keeping them inside and they would fester. Even when I talk to my dog it makes me feel better.

Good things fall apart so better things can fall together. Trust me on this, it's true. It takes time, but it's true.

Apologize for the awful things you said to him in txts. Don't let it go past that and start talking. Just say "I'm sorry I insulted you, please don't contact me anymore." It lets your guilt go and will make you feel better because you are establishing your boundary, not living by his. For me this is very empowering.

I hope these work for you. They worked for me, but everyone is different.

behindblueyes

Some of these replies are making me want to drink more.

I was assaulted by a man who stole my cell phone so i couldnt call 911. I have to face this man in court soon. I walk out next day and two tires are flat so i have no lawyer to defend myself because i just bought 400 dollars in tires and cell phones. This friend was the only person I could talk to who didnt want to talk with a beer in front of them. Now he has decided im not good enough for whatever reason and replaced me.

I have lost my only sober friend and made the decision to make this sober friend and some people are telling me basically its my fault if i drink because i cant control my alcoholism. I understand but i came here for help not to feel worse, thanks. I understand i am an alcoholic but i am looking for coping mechanisms and almost every post starts out with "Its YOUR fault"

redneckrecovery

Try the coping mechanisms I outlined. Even if they don't work at least you will be doing something.

It will get better, but no one ever self pitied themselves into sobriety girl. Trust me I know, I wrote the book on self pity.

bbthumper

If my sobriety is dependent on outside circumstances, Im in big touble. It sounds to me like you are setting yourself up for failure by placing your reliance on other people and things.
You can stay sober regardless of what is going on around you. Are you involved in any program of recovery?

behindblueyes

I was in therapy and outpatient rehab until i lost my job and insurance. I make too much on child support to get any assistance. Therapy runs 100 an hour. Im in a bad way and i know it. People around me just want to drink nonstop. Ive sat at home on my hands just staring at the wall to remain sober because no one wants to go anywhere like a coffee shop around here. Theyre full of 16 and 70 yr olds especially in winter. The town has a serious alcohol and drug problem within a 100 mile radius of Pittsburgh and i live in farm land. i could drive a mile away and tip a cow which adds to the boredom and loneliness to want to drink.

choublak

I don't think it's about just rejection here.

Basically you've substituted the alcohol with this guy, or a relationship with this guy. But now, your new drug of choice (the guy) is gone, so you don't know what to do.

Fandy

"But i woke up to a text message saying he had received a call from a former ex and was going to try to work it out with her. He said he would please like to be friends. I have known this man for 8 months and he caused me to relapse four months ago when he was forced to fire me from work".



"Now he has decided im not good enough for whatever reason and replaced me".

your interpretations of what he *thinks* won't help you...You need to let this go and focus on finding people who will support you. You are now blaming US for you "wanting to drink" because you don't like the answers to your questions.

I hope you connect with someone who you can safely vent to. Possibly someone female, not a man-woman relationship.

hamabi

You're plenty "good enough". The guy who left is not the last relationship you will have. If you stay sober you will attract better progressively better men, and the reverse is true should you return to drinking.

It boils down to what you want for yourself, and that is not in the hands of others any longer.

suki44883

See, that is what you need to get past. Nothing we say or do, nothing that guy says or does, nothing anyone says or does to you causes you to relapse. It's just that drinking is how you choose to cope with these things.

Sitting at home on your hands sounds very boring. There are a lot of things you can do that don't involve drinking and if all your current friends want to drink all the time, then it's time you made some new friends. Until then, there are still things of interest you can do alone instead of sitting at home staring at four walls.

choublak

Hold up. So this guy was also your boss?