Remorse and Forgiveness
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 83
Remorse and Forgiveness
Hey guys, I've written about remorse and forgiveness in the past and received some excellent feedback. I learned that the best we can do is try to be our best, stay sober, and learn from our mistakes. We may ask for forgiveness to those we pushed away, hurt, or negatively affected as a direct result of our drinking but we cannot expect people to be ready to listen or forgive or welcome us back into their lives.
Well, I decided to take that risk and attempt to make amends to someone I caused grief to by writing a letter to them. The letter is an apology, an acknowledgement of my wrongs, an admission of my substance abuse, my current state of sobriety, and my vow to continue working the program as well as my desire to give back to my community in attempt to atone for my wrongdoings whether or not this person chooses to let me into their life again. I poured my soul into this letter and it very well may be the most honest thing I've ever written.
I have asked a mutual friend to deliver this letter (she knows my situation and what the letter is for) because I want to respect this persons' privacy. That is, I do not know the address, phone, email, etc and therefore cannot attempt contact, nor will try after this.
I worry though that this person will not want my letter at all, will not open or read it. It's not so much that I want this person back in my life or their forgiveness right away (which would be great yes) but that they won't read the aforementioned points. I worry they won't at least know of my remorse and my repentance.
It's very scary to let things go, put things all out on the table and knowing full well that although we may seek one outcome, it is very possible we won't receive it. I'm trying to remind myself of what I wrote at the beginning of this: although we ask forgiveness it doesn't mean someone is ready to give it. I just hope so much this person will see what I've written and at the very least begin to believe I am sincere in my apology, that I am honestly trying to be a better person through sobriety and learning from past mistakes.
I suppose I should keep a copy of my letter, in the case that more time will need to go by but maybe someday, this person will be ready to listen.
Anyways, thanks and stay strong friends.
Well, I decided to take that risk and attempt to make amends to someone I caused grief to by writing a letter to them. The letter is an apology, an acknowledgement of my wrongs, an admission of my substance abuse, my current state of sobriety, and my vow to continue working the program as well as my desire to give back to my community in attempt to atone for my wrongdoings whether or not this person chooses to let me into their life again. I poured my soul into this letter and it very well may be the most honest thing I've ever written.
I have asked a mutual friend to deliver this letter (she knows my situation and what the letter is for) because I want to respect this persons' privacy. That is, I do not know the address, phone, email, etc and therefore cannot attempt contact, nor will try after this.
I worry though that this person will not want my letter at all, will not open or read it. It's not so much that I want this person back in my life or their forgiveness right away (which would be great yes) but that they won't read the aforementioned points. I worry they won't at least know of my remorse and my repentance.
It's very scary to let things go, put things all out on the table and knowing full well that although we may seek one outcome, it is very possible we won't receive it. I'm trying to remind myself of what I wrote at the beginning of this: although we ask forgiveness it doesn't mean someone is ready to give it. I just hope so much this person will see what I've written and at the very least begin to believe I am sincere in my apology, that I am honestly trying to be a better person through sobriety and learning from past mistakes.
I suppose I should keep a copy of my letter, in the case that more time will need to go by but maybe someday, this person will be ready to listen.
Anyways, thanks and stay strong friends.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Boulder, Co.
Posts: 8
Hey Meg ,
I had to work really hard to write amends letter to the victim. I hit a postal truck back in August. My attorney accepts the letter and will discuss it with me before giving it to the DA. My trial is about a week away....
I had to work really hard to write amends letter to the victim. I hit a postal truck back in August. My attorney accepts the letter and will discuss it with me before giving it to the DA. My trial is about a week away....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 83
sugarbear: no I did not. I told this person that it is after losing their trust and friendship I now realize what it is to lose someone I never knew could be so important. I feel that by admitting my mistakes, taking full responsibility for them, and working to change what I can is the best form of beginning to make things right between us. I don't know what more I can say or do to "make it up to them."
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: indiana, indiana
Posts: 17
I love quotes:
~"You can't take back the words you never said nether can you take back the words you did and mistakes you made but you can ask for forgiveness and move on with life."~
Sometimes just the "act" of asking for forgiveness is a release of guilt. Once you have given that to the other person it is up to them to take care of it. You have absolved yourself. Now it is their turn. They too have consequences, whether they refuse or accept, they also now have to deal with a situation they may have been avoiding. Give yourself peace in knowing that you have made the right step in the right direction. That takes a very strong and brave person to put yourself out there. Kuddos to you
~"You can't take back the words you never said nether can you take back the words you did and mistakes you made but you can ask for forgiveness and move on with life."~
Sometimes just the "act" of asking for forgiveness is a release of guilt. Once you have given that to the other person it is up to them to take care of it. You have absolved yourself. Now it is their turn. They too have consequences, whether they refuse or accept, they also now have to deal with a situation they may have been avoiding. Give yourself peace in knowing that you have made the right step in the right direction. That takes a very strong and brave person to put yourself out there. Kuddos to you
Fellow Traveler and Seeker
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 2,408
Originally Posted by MegTheRunner 
sugarbear: no I did not. I told this person that it is after losing their trust and friendship I now realize what it is to lose someone I never knew could be so important. I feel that by admitting my mistakes, taking full responsibility for them, and working to change what I can is the best form of beginning to make things right between us. I don't know what more I can say or do to "make it up to them."
I don't know what would make things right in their eyes - it's their eyes, not mine. So we ask them. We may think that we've done all that we can, but we don't know what is going on for them. And they will react the way they need to react. Some are ok with things, some will ignore us, some may ask us never to contact them again. But at least we have taken care of things on our side. We are free of that now.
I remember one person I made amends to saying to me "What you're doing takes balls" and gave me a hug. You never know what can happen...and what you're doing with that letter. It took balls.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Hi Meg,
great post. When work starts on the 9th step we are getting close to safe ground. It is wise to be working with a sponsor on this step because it is so important and so fraught with risks of harm to self and others. We must make sure our thinking has been cleared of wrong motives.
You have taken the action, done your part, now the result is in God's hands. There is a passage in the book:
"There may be some wrongs we can never fully right. We don't worry about them if we can honestly say to ourselves that we would right them if we could. Some people cannot be seen - we send them an honest letter. And there may be a valid reason for postponement in some cases. But we don't delay if it can be avoided. We should be sensible, tactful, considerate and humble without being servile or scraping. As God's people we stand on our feet; we don't crawl before anyone."
great post. When work starts on the 9th step we are getting close to safe ground. It is wise to be working with a sponsor on this step because it is so important and so fraught with risks of harm to self and others. We must make sure our thinking has been cleared of wrong motives.
You have taken the action, done your part, now the result is in God's hands. There is a passage in the book:
"There may be some wrongs we can never fully right. We don't worry about them if we can honestly say to ourselves that we would right them if we could. Some people cannot be seen - we send them an honest letter. And there may be a valid reason for postponement in some cases. But we don't delay if it can be avoided. We should be sensible, tactful, considerate and humble without being servile or scraping. As God's people we stand on our feet; we don't crawl before anyone."
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Cleveland Ohio
Posts: 133
MegTheRunner:
Listen, you did the best you could. Don't beat yourself. Anytime we do the best we can it works out EXACTLY the way it's supposed to work out. .....................................For future reference: A proper amends consists of 2 parts:
1 An acknowledgement of wrongs done (NOT AN APOLOGY)
2 A sincere desire to right the wrong.
Never use the word "sorry (nobody wants to hear that word from a drunk) or the word "but" (as in I did this but you did that)
It goes something like this: Mr Jones I want you to know that I am extremely cognizant of the harm that I caused you when I ran over your $5000.00 Labrador show dog when I was driving the earth mover drunk. I am here to tell you that I will never do that again, and I want to know what I have to do within my power to make it right with you. Now the words "within my power" are of the utmost importance because alot of times (at that moment) some things are just not in our power to do................Letters can be really tricky because the reader cannot see body language, inflection etc. And sometimes (and they are rare) the best amends we can make is to never darken their door to make amends to begin with. Let your conscience and your sponsor be your guide.
Listen, you did the best you could. Don't beat yourself. Anytime we do the best we can it works out EXACTLY the way it's supposed to work out. .....................................For future reference: A proper amends consists of 2 parts:
1 An acknowledgement of wrongs done (NOT AN APOLOGY)
2 A sincere desire to right the wrong.
Never use the word "sorry (nobody wants to hear that word from a drunk) or the word "but" (as in I did this but you did that)
It goes something like this: Mr Jones I want you to know that I am extremely cognizant of the harm that I caused you when I ran over your $5000.00 Labrador show dog when I was driving the earth mover drunk. I am here to tell you that I will never do that again, and I want to know what I have to do within my power to make it right with you. Now the words "within my power" are of the utmost importance because alot of times (at that moment) some things are just not in our power to do................Letters can be really tricky because the reader cannot see body language, inflection etc. And sometimes (and they are rare) the best amends we can make is to never darken their door to make amends to begin with. Let your conscience and your sponsor be your guide.
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by cfm
Listen, you did the best you could. Don't beat yourself. Anytime we do the best we can it works out EXACTLY the way it's supposed to work out. ...
"Detachment is the most noble of all virtues, the highest of all principles and the only truly pure motive for doing anything."
(Meister Eckhart)
Member
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Nebraska
Posts: 423
It sounds like this person is very important to you; don't forget, time can also be an important component in this type of situation.
I have never written such a letter but I can see how it is valuable in your healing as well.
Dave
I have never written such a letter but I can see how it is valuable in your healing as well.
Dave
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 83
Sugarbear1/cfm: yes, I have been working the steps but I do not have a sponsor. I am ok with this however in that I find support when needed along with help related to the steps from others. I have been creating my own way of recovery as I go and for me, I'm happy with it and it seems to be working. Perhaps I'll get a sponsor along the way but for right now I'm doing good. I do have a substance abuse counselor though and we have discussed this letter as a possibility for a while. A way to clear my conscious, get things off my chest, etc with or without sending it. I do understand what a proper amends consists of and although I never used the term "sorry" or "apologize" in it, the reader will get a sense of my remorse and obviously my asking for their forgiveness.
Thanks for your advice. It took alot of thinking over and my decision to send it out is a final one. This person is a very old friend of mine and although we still have mutual friends we are not speaking. I felt that rather than have bed terms/words between us that this letter admitting my wrongs and my desire to make them right again would be the last words I'd prefer this person have from me. Now whether or not they read it is up to them. Like it's been said, I can't make anyone ready to listen, forgive, or re-enter my life. This is all I can do. I did write that should this letter cause grief I will never again attempt contact which I vow to myself I will not. The mutual friend of ours feels that this letter will want to be read by the recipient as they may want this closure as well.
Thanks everyone for the support and advice, it is so much appreciated. For me, the act of writing it (this confession if you will) was very therapeutic. The act of my counselor reading it back to me aloud was extremely emotional and invaluable in my recovery so far. It's like the first time you go to a meeting.. Everything hits you like a ton of bricks. This letter is my reality, my truth to someone I lost. Maybe someday they'll want to know me again but in the meantime I may move on knowing I did what I could. It is in my higher powers' hands now. Take care.
Thanks for your advice. It took alot of thinking over and my decision to send it out is a final one. This person is a very old friend of mine and although we still have mutual friends we are not speaking. I felt that rather than have bed terms/words between us that this letter admitting my wrongs and my desire to make them right again would be the last words I'd prefer this person have from me. Now whether or not they read it is up to them. Like it's been said, I can't make anyone ready to listen, forgive, or re-enter my life. This is all I can do. I did write that should this letter cause grief I will never again attempt contact which I vow to myself I will not. The mutual friend of ours feels that this letter will want to be read by the recipient as they may want this closure as well.
Thanks everyone for the support and advice, it is so much appreciated. For me, the act of writing it (this confession if you will) was very therapeutic. The act of my counselor reading it back to me aloud was extremely emotional and invaluable in my recovery so far. It's like the first time you go to a meeting.. Everything hits you like a ton of bricks. This letter is my reality, my truth to someone I lost. Maybe someday they'll want to know me again but in the meantime I may move on knowing I did what I could. It is in my higher powers' hands now. Take care.
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