cmason249

i was just gonna troll but thought maybe venting a bit might help me feel a little better.

so i made it to somewhere around 60 days last attempt. my motivation for not drinking is partly for me and partly for my wife. mostly for our marriage and raising my kids in a happy home.

im now back up to just over 3 weeks and am starting to question my motivation. im fighting with my wife today over what i see as trivial crap, but it has started me thinking about how she blames me for not being able to stop drinking. (which by the way ive gone from all day every day to where i am now....over the course of 5 or so years). i realize an overnight cgange would be great, but i see it as progress. all while she still keeps booze on the house, drinks around me, and blames me for every little problem we have. im not saying im not partly to blame, but sheesh, why cant she understand that being treated like a doormat makes me want to go out and get hammered? so, yeah, im struggling a little tonight and needed to vent.

Edit: i thought stopping drinking was supposed to make depression better, but it seems to he making it worse. and i know all about the self-medication thing and dont deny that i have done it. it just seems like that at this point the best solution would be to just go have a few abd be done with it. for now at least. i dont want to do this, but for the love of everything holy, i just want to feel loved and normal and not be blamed for everything.

Gottalife

Gosh Cmason, you sound like the classic AA real alcoholic. For us, take the alcohol away and do nothing spiritually, we get worse. That's because alcohol isn't our problem, it's our solution. The real problem is the ISM, internal spiritual malady. We treat that with the steps, if we don't we end up drunk again.

On the subject of blame, you are dealing with a disease over which you have no power, so it's not your fault and neither is it your wife's. It's genetic and you caught the genetic bullet. But it is your responsibility to try and do something about it, not hers. You can recover, it's just a question of whether you are ready and willing to do what it takes.

paul99

I feel to be successful, or at least to start on the right foot, it's important to do it for yourself entirely. I've seen lots of guys doing it for their wives, their girlfriends, the court, the parents, etc. just to get the heat off of them, and it rarely works. It has to come from within.

My wife and I really used to argue - really badly at times. Since I stopped drinking, and worked the steps of AA, we haven't had an unkind word toward each other since. It's been work, to say the least, on both our parts. We even needed to separate for some time. But once I got to a place where I was getting comfortable in my own skin, and started to make progress in all areas of my life (emotionally, mentally, spiritually, etc), she too calmed down.

Taking care of yourself first and foremost will start to pay dividends in all your relationships.

doggonecarl

And drinking is going to this for you? Make you feel loved? Stop your wife for blaming you for everything?

Of course not. Sounds like you are looking for a reason to drink. That's your addiction doing your thinking.

If you aren't going to give the idea of AA and working the steps, you could see a doctor about your depression. If you aren't drinking, there is a chance that meds might be helpful.

But I have to agree with Gotalife, sounds like a spiritual malady.

freethinking123

Youre new? So any advice given is susceptible to your ability to process it outside the reality you accept as fact. If you want to drink do so, if not do whatever it takes not to...keep it at the 'desire' point of step one. keep it simple. If you have to leave the argument and go outside for a few, do so. If you need to vent, do so. She keeps booze in the house, throw it out, ask to move it or look at it as a security blanket.. I purposely kept it in my fridge the first few months. I new I'd crave what*I*couldn't have. I'd resent the booze. So I left myself no choice but to 'make a decision' every time I opened that fridge. Then I couldn't rationalise the slip or look for reasons to go get a drink..that worked for me. One day I knew it was time to get rid of it...Now I have time sober so its no big deal for other reasons. I firmly believe in tough love..you've got to be willing to do this through hell and high water. Seldom does the world around us make it easy for us to feel relaxed and calm...that's why they invented booze and drugs. To help us deal with life on lifes terms. Now you need new tools. Read the big book, keep busy within the fellowship. And if you are faith dependant, practice the other steps, read the koran or recite Edgar allen Poe. Whatever you take seriously. I didn't need the clique's approval when I was new so I didn't race through the steps. I stuck with step one for the next 19 yrs or so.. working the other BB tools as needed...luckily I heard this lady say "never graduate AA or the first step". I realised step one was much more important and a mere agreement with it wasn't nearly enough. You're mind searches for reasons to make exception to it everyday, or resents having agreed to it and the lifelong commitment to never drinking again that must ensue.