Redtxf

I slipped up this past weekend, well more like had a landslide after a month and a half sober. It always happens this way and around the same time. What eats me up the most is the remorse and regret I feel while having no one to talk to about it. I can't talk to any of my friends because I have pushed most of them away and those that are left I would rather not push them away with my horrid recollection of past drunkenness. My parents and I don't talk on that sort of level even though I wish we did, but I can't just come out with my regrets. I am downright scared to go back to the AA hall because I have been in and out four or five times now and never in for very long. Although as I write this I already know what I have to do which is go back through that door. I just wish there was a way to make the regret dissipate because this is my biggest problem.

paul99

I am sorry to hear about your weekend. I can understand the regret and remorse following a bout of drinking after having a bit of time behind you.

I feel that your gut instinct in going back to that AA hall is correct. Somehow you being in and out of AA has given you at least the knowledge that coming back will only help you. I guess my question is in that time in and out of the program, did you get a sponsor and/or start working the program? There is a difference in being in and out of the AA program, and being in and out of the AA fellowship. The major difference between the two is that one will keep you sober, the other won't.

The fellowship will certainly receive you with open arms (as they should!), and that will help with the regret a bit. And in the fellowship you will be able to talk about alcoholism without any negative recourse (unlike those non-alcoholic friends) But it's in getting a sponsor and working the program that will help lay aside the guilt, shame and remorse and bring you to a place of peace and serenity and not have to worry so much about the 6-week breakdown.

I wish you the best of luck - stick with it

2granddaughters

Red, when I got in the doors of AA and stayed in my life got a lot better.

All the best.

Bob R

Dee74

Welcome redtxf

I remember the remorse - the thing is tho - whats done is done...we can't change it...we can do a lot about today tho

Getting back to a meeting might just be the start of your way ahead and putting your past behind you once and for all

You'll find a lot of support and encouragement here too - welcome back

D

awuh1

I had a similar problem. I kept drinking again at about the 3 month mark. It was hard for me to understand but again and again at about 90 or 100 days I was drinking, AA or no AA.

Then at one point I noticed I had 4 months. I asked myself what was different. For me it seemed to be focusing more on other people (as odd and counterintuitive as this may sound). It came down to wanting to do the right thing rather than do the best thing for myself. It was the beginning of a whole different way of looking at things.

Regret and remorse are just unpleasant feelings. I had to recognize that how I felt was not all that important in the grand scheme of things (though I would never have bought that idea in the beginning). Regret and remorse were the natural consequences of my f*uked up thinking. I had to change that, but more important was what I DID, because that's what affects others.

Do a meeting every day for a good long while. Focus on what you can contribute (sharing your experience of relapse, for one, can be quite valuable to others). Do the program, really work it, and see what happens.

Caldus

Redtxf,

You shouldn't feel regret. It's good for me and others on here who are around the 90 day mark to hear your story and what happens when you relapse. So you're still helping others by sharing your experience of relapsing and struggling with the initial months of sobriety. I think so many alcoholics get stuck in all of that so you shouldn't feel regret because of that.

I never lasted more than 15 days when I basically worked my own AA program. This time around I have a sponsor, a home group (fellowship), and working the steps. Now I'm at about 90 days. So, while I'm struggling with some things in the program (but hey who isn't, otherwise we wouldn't need to be at meetings all the time right?), I haven't picked up since then.

Gottalife

Hey Redtxf,

the good news is you can recover if you do what is suggested in the Big Book. Maybe your meeting isn't telling you this. Perhaps try a Big Book study meeting, you'll probably find a good sponsor there to get you through the steps and get you connected with God (of your understanding) that will solve all your problems.

For alcoholics of my type, just going to meetings and hoping to "absorb" sobriety never works. We get a few weeks dry time and then the ism (internal spiritual malady) comes back, we get uncomfortable and we go do what we have always done.

Find a good sponsor to get you through the steps at a fast pace, have a spiritual experience as the result, and your life will be changed forever.

Part of doing that. as Awuh mentioned, is getting involved in AA, helping others, being of service to your fellows, rather than going to AA and waitng for them to fix you.

heath480

Sorry to hear you are struggling redtxf.

I personally dont believe AA has a revolving door,people dont always make it back through.

Maybe you could try a few different meetings?

Finding a sponsor and working through the steps is the way forward.

Wishing you well.

bi11fish

I have never seen anyone turned away for coming back.
"We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity.
And we will know peace."
Promises from the BB as we work the program

ru12

Hi Red. Regret for one's own poor decisions isn't a bad thing. I think it is part of a moral person's character to regret the instances where our behavior fell short. Acknowledge it, learn from it what you can, fix the things you can, and then move on. Try living in the moment, now is all we ever really have. I wish you peace.

felipe

Ive always had the same problem when coming back to AA. ... Because i havent given up . I keep telling myself when im detoxing or in a jail cell, hospital bed ect... That i will show up and stay .When Im good and the storm is over ... I bring my ego back to take control. Its what I do with god too. But like god ... AA still waiting to love me .

Zebra1275

Two things that will help with regret in my opinion. Working the steps of AA and the passage of time.

You can't make time go any faster but you can get a sponsor and work the steps.

bbthumper

Regret, remorse, guilt, shame. These are all very common problems for an alcoholic. This is why being rid of those things is a HUGE part of what the program is about. They are all barriers to a better relationship with that which will keep us sober if we get connected. You can get rid of those feelings and replace them with happiness and usefulness. Get back in the rooms and do the foot work! We need you! A better life awaits you!

Redtxf

Regret and remorse is my worst enemy because I can't seem to forgive myself and at the same time I can't bring myself to consider myself worthy of anyone's forgiveness. This is an even deep problem for me because of my religious upbringing but I know I have to get back in the AA doors. I haven't been yet as hangover is pretty rough and I had to save my schoolwork these past two days or I would be so mad at myself. I also know I need to work the steps fully and get a sponsor and especially work on step four and five because I need to get these regrets and remorse out of my head. I also feel like I have burnt so many bridges here that no one can trust me and that I actually cant trust myself, which terrifies me.

Thank you all for you posts, they helped me through the past few days which were very brutal for me and today is looking really good.

Thank you, everyone!

Fernaceman

I felt this way many, many times. But *always* and every time felt a million times better after just DOING it.

thisisme

Don't look back, you are not going that way.