Milliamp

Hi! First post. I joined because I saw a lot of terrific comments & experience here - and I need them. Sober 9+ years. Had a hard time for a while; lots of life difficulties, including mental health. Boss sober 20+ years - disgusted with my troubles, how they affected me. Told me his gratitude list included that he wasn't me. Didn't want to discuss at local meetings - but...that remark still hurts, over a year later. I tell myself to let go of it, it's done, doesn't matter - then wonder if any of that is true. (Maybe I should be grateful I'm helping him in his sobriety?)

Any ideas on what to do with this? Does someone else's hurt belong on a gratitude list?

Sally1009

Welcome to SR, and congratulations on your sobriety. Your boss said a horrible thing - no wonder you were hurt. How close are you to him? And can you detach from him, as in my experience people who say hurtful things very often do it again. Can you get transferred to a different department?

Milliamp

Thank you. It's funny, I am surprised that I am relieved to see someone agree that remark was indeed horrible. I spent a lot of time believing that I deserved his scorn. He has a lot of time sober and I respect that. It doesn't mean he's always right, though. Being told that I had a right to be hurt is very freeing.

I can't change departments, I'm too high in the hierarchy of a small firm. But somehow, I feel a little bit lighter now, simply by having someone agree that I didn't deserve that kind of cruelty. He must be very unhappy, if that's what he puts on his gratitude list.

Hevyn

Glad to have you here, Milliamp. That comment was outrageous and hurtful. I agree, there must be something wrong in his world for him to be that mean.

I feel better when I come here - & always find help with my troubles This is an amazing place. I've found support and encouragement that I couldn't find elsewhere.

Boleo

This is something that belongs on a resentment list, not a gratitude list.

Milliamp

Yes, it is a resentment, and it's time to give it up. I've given someone else power over a small bit of me...and he probably has forgotten the whole thing.

I appreciate the order of these responses - agreement that the remark was inappropriate and mean, followed by, essentially, a reminder that I'm responsible for what I do with it. I'll concentrate on letting him have his unhappiness and not let it become mine.

That's a little easier said than done, but it's a healthier plan than stewing.

Thanks for the welcome, help and ESH. I hope I can return the same going forward.

lilyrosemary

just because he's your boss doesn't make him right. or good. or nice. or smart. or anything. i used to say stupid things like that when i was petty, insecure, jealous, and just basically not a good human being. that was before the great change of '07 : ) hang on to all the good things you are doing for yourself and embrace today and forget about yesterday. God bless!!

ru12

Some people just aren't nice. . . sober or drunk.

bbthumper

You mentioned meetings. I assume AA. Forgive me if I am wrong.

Have you done a 4th step?

Milliamp

Yes, AA meetings. I have done a 4th step, a couple of times, but clearly not recently enough. It looks like I'm overdue for another - I've found my insights into and views of the steps change as I experience different people and situations.
I've also found it's easier to see the big picture for other people's stories than my own - I hadn't even shared this with my sponsor - just tried to squash it. Another 20/20 hind sight...sometimes I really don't like opportunities for growth.
A reason to keep coming back - even after almost a decade the obvious sometimes has to hit me on the head.

Milliamp

I want everyone who responded as well as all of the dozens of practical and insightful posters whose writings I read here to know how much I really have been touched by you. My sig other is also in the program, and every morning, just before we leave the house, we take a moment to talk about the day coming up, say the the serenity prayer with an eye to how to apply it to the day, and write one thing on the calendar to be grateful for. Today, i wrote SR on my calendar, and the support and warmth I felt when writing that remain.
Thank you!

Hevyn

That's lovely to hear, Milliamp (fellow New Yorker).

paul99

Great thread. I too don't always like those opportunities of growth, because it's making me look at yet another thing that I need to let go or work through. But it's when I get on the other side of it and have achieved clarity, am I grateful for that opportunity.

Thanks for posting.

escapist

Your Boss sounds pretty conceited. A lot of people confuse conceit with confidence. Hopefully he'll outgrow it. Most of us do. I hope you will let it go, he's just making an ass of himself.