Threshold

Yesterday I moved into my new apartment, it was a triumphant yet bittersweet day. I had hoped to be moving into a house with my boyfriend, but instead I am moving into a place alone. It's a MUCH better living situation than the one I've been in the past few months. Exponentially better so there is much to celebrate, but I wish it was with him.

I went to a friends yesterday evening to hang out, and there was an open bottle of wine on the counter. I wanted a glass. End of a long day. Strobing between joy, relief and loss. Relaxing with a glass of wine and a friend seemed like such a nice thing to do.

I turned away. I felt nearly a rage inside myself that I am so fragile that I can't have a stinking glass of wine. How could a glass of wine have the power to destroy me? Why does something so inconsequential to others have the power to lead me to destroy myself?

I have recently realized my relationship with my boyfriend is like that glass of wine. I have to turn away. I realize that sipping from the relationship is only keeping me bound to it. Moving into this apartment alone was a huge turning away. A huge statement to myself that my dreams of a future with him were a lie I told myself.

Having a glass of wine would have been a lie to myself as well.

My friend ended up making us hot chocolate instead.

Dee74

I don't think of it as fragility...Achilles had his heel, Sampson had his Delilah, Superman his Kryptonite...

I know my limits and I know my life now, and the person I am, is predicated on recovery.

I'm not any richer, or smarter, or less buffetted by life...but I know who I am and I'm at peace.

When I weigh up what I've gained, not having that glass of wine seems pretty darn inconsequential to me

D

Thepatman

First I really relate to you. I am seperated with a girlfriend I really loved, supposed to move in with me in my house. We tried to recycle the relationship last summer, I was one month sober and off cigarettes. She came to my house to hang out and brought Rye and smoked in my face for 2 days. She knew I was struggling to stay sober and have a problem with booze.

That's when I realized I was heading to a different life direction, without her. I broke broke up with her for good. I work at the same place and see her everyday, smoking outside looking older and older and older with the damage from booze and cigarettes.

Sorry long post, you have a great friend there if she made you hot coco and respected you.

freshstart57

Threshold, I had the same thoughts at one point, about how fragile I was. Not fragile for not being able to have it, but fragile for wanting it when I knew so much better. I knew I wanted more of myself, and I was going to have it too.

ThePatMan, c'etait dur, mon vieux. You are free of the booze and of this woman who would never be right for you. Congratulations!

tammy711

You need to give your friend a nice, warm hug. Your last sentence put a big smile on my face.

Ghostlight

Good for you on not drinking that first glass of wine. Sounds like you did a calculation on the pros and cons. That's great!
It works for me, thinking that first drink through to the end and and the misery, fear and anxiety it will bring.

I've never had a single drink in my life. For me, it was all or nothing. Drinking until I was intoxicated.

You did a great thing, you should be proud of yourself. I'm proud of you.

Good job, and best to you.