Sober 2 yrs, now realizing spouse may have a problem
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Kingsburg, CA
Posts: 9
Sober 2 yrs, now realizing spouse may have a problem
I have just celebrated 2 years as a sober woman! I feel great, my confidence is back and I can truly say I'm learning to love who I am. I have been married to a wonderful husband for three years now. He is everything that I have ever wanted in a man but I am now realizing that his "social" drinking behavior is not so normal. It has always bothered me ever since I got sober, but anytime I ever said anything he became very defensive and accused me of being controlling and maybe even jealous that he could drink and I couldnt. I believed that.....for a while. But now I am strong enough to know that is just not the case. I have no issue or problem when he has a few drinks. Its when he has more than that, he then just doesnt know when to stop. He's 52 and acts like he's a young party boy sometimes. If I say anything to him while he's drinking, he becomes beligerant with me, sometimes rude. He also does and says things that he does not remember the next day. I'm starting to feel myself become anxious anytime we have a social event to attend. I can totally have a good time and enjoy myself when we're out, but his behavior is causing inner turmoil for me. I've tried talking to him to no avail. He's not ready to see he has a problem and I'm not sure how long I can deal with it. Please help!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 112
Hey Blondie,
I'm in a relationship and newer to sobriety than I am to recovery. Hence, I'm still prone to cravings and triggers. My significant other drinks, and her patterns occasionally concern me but as of now, I don't think she's an alcoholic. Out of respect for me and in support of my recovery, she and I have agreed to rules surrounding drinking in our household.
However, I found myself agitated and irritated this past weekend when she spent a Saturday day-drinking and night-drinking with our friends. I found myself particularly offended when she asked if she come home drunk and sleep there (she'd previously agreed to sleep @ a friends in those cases). I say this all with self-deprecation. These, as of now are my issues, not hers.
I hate trying to negotiate the terms of her drinking. HATE IT. I spoke with my sponsor and he presented me with a few options:
1) Be affected by her actions and respond negatively (fighting, bitterness, stewing, or even relapse).
2) End the relationship and only engage in romantic relationships with sober/abstinent women.
3) Learn acceptance, tolerance, and powerlessness over others by adding in Al-Anon meetings to my program.
My relationship with my partner is terrific. She's in Al-Anon, intelligent, beautiful, engaging, funny, loving, and supportive. It's just her drinking, albeit not atypical for our generation, that bothers me. I've decided to fight for the relationship by taking action and supplementing Al-Anon into my AA program.
If she ever does develop alcoholism, and it's a genetic possibility, I hope that I'm strong enough to support her efforts in recovery.
As of now, my problem with her drinking is my problem, not hers.
I'm in a relationship and newer to sobriety than I am to recovery. Hence, I'm still prone to cravings and triggers. My significant other drinks, and her patterns occasionally concern me but as of now, I don't think she's an alcoholic. Out of respect for me and in support of my recovery, she and I have agreed to rules surrounding drinking in our household.
However, I found myself agitated and irritated this past weekend when she spent a Saturday day-drinking and night-drinking with our friends. I found myself particularly offended when she asked if she come home drunk and sleep there (she'd previously agreed to sleep @ a friends in those cases). I say this all with self-deprecation. These, as of now are my issues, not hers.
I hate trying to negotiate the terms of her drinking. HATE IT. I spoke with my sponsor and he presented me with a few options:
1) Be affected by her actions and respond negatively (fighting, bitterness, stewing, or even relapse).
2) End the relationship and only engage in romantic relationships with sober/abstinent women.
3) Learn acceptance, tolerance, and powerlessness over others by adding in Al-Anon meetings to my program.
My relationship with my partner is terrific. She's in Al-Anon, intelligent, beautiful, engaging, funny, loving, and supportive. It's just her drinking, albeit not atypical for our generation, that bothers me. I've decided to fight for the relationship by taking action and supplementing Al-Anon into my AA program.
If she ever does develop alcoholism, and it's a genetic possibility, I hope that I'm strong enough to support her efforts in recovery.
As of now, my problem with her drinking is my problem, not hers.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,308
sorry you are dealing with that blondie! I can only imagine what that must be like. My first advice is to just forget about talking to him when he is drinking....that is like trying to rationalize with a child!
Have you seen a couples therapist so you can discuss this in a "safe" place where you both can share feelings?
Also have you discussed with him alternatives like - you leaving the party at x time, or before his drinking gets out of hand? No need for you to witness the self-destruction is there?
Have you seen a couples therapist so you can discuss this in a "safe" place where you both can share feelings?
Also have you discussed with him alternatives like - you leaving the party at x time, or before his drinking gets out of hand? No need for you to witness the self-destruction is there?
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