Going on 5 days sober first time in forever, (raw edit long and pathetic)
Alcoholic
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: CALI
Posts: 2
Going on 5 days sober first time in forever, (raw edit long and pathetic)
I recently had an old (7years ago) girlfriend come to my pad to say hi, because she couldnt get a hold of me. i havnt talked to face to face for 6 years, seen her for 3years.
I thought i was dreaming.Waking up to the door bell after rounds two blacking out drunk each time sleeping on a metal futon without the cushion that i had called bed for about 2.5 months.. anyways i couldnt believe it was her.
(now lets go back 3 years ago)
I had started to take up drinking more often in 2009 April..when it hit me that she was with somebody for years and engaged too.
i went on then i seen her at with her finace shopping hiding and booking it out the door while her finace laughed and smiled.. that summer i lost my dog due to disease from parvo not giving the last shot. I felt bad, really bad. I spent the entire summer of 2009 drinking and getting hammered, eating everything and drinking everything. i gained close to 40 pounds that summer. i snapped out of it for a while, getting hammered instead of going to college on its first day.. attending classes buzz-like, but still maintained alright grades. half way through the semester I seen the girl of my dreams sitting outside the classroom texting, i lost it. I dont know why exactly maybe guilt. but i went straight home and never went back to college because i couldnt bear to see the women again on campus whom rejected me for soo many years.
I drank and i drank and did nothing. until 2010 when i heard her and finace broke it off during summer. filled with joy i tried to contact her via facebook, never had one before, but seemed well. then i messaged her...while drunk... it was a tailspin to destruction.. i woke up the next day and couldnt believe some of the **** i said. nothing good just stupid stuff like, "i miss you, i still love you" and other things trying to persuaded her to like me again and stuff.. well apparently while it was a harsh breakup between her ex of 4 years and the feeling. its was the wrong time plus i was hammered messaging..
She messaged me back and reminded me of all the bad times i ****** up in the past (from 2004-2005) drinking and smoking, neglecting her on dates standing her up just so i can drink... then she said its over and never try to get a hold of her again...ever.. I felt guilty so quit facebook closed up shop and started drinking hard hard. everyday all day.
2 years finally past and it was 2012.. i didnt want to live and still obsessed with the mistakes i had made then i would drink and drink. and on the 23rd of september 2012, i heard she had been married for 4 months to an older guy, about 9 years older... man that killed me harder. i messaged on facebook (reopened), "thats so awesome youre happy. i regret not being a better person. now you have contrast. i wish you well.." (closed account after that) and just continued to get wicked with drinking not caring..
three days later the 26th, thats when i woke up to that door bell. it was her. she was 7 years older from when i remembered her, a full grown women. i was dirty smelled hadnt taken a shower for like two days, unshaven unkept, i was embarrassed..
She mentioned she couldnt message me back so she came by she said. We talked about 1 hour in the long unmowed grass about the confusions of the past, she forgave for the harsh times and emotional pain.
It took me back 7-8 years that day when we had those good moments talking about the good times and good things, i got emotional, tearing confessing. talked a lot even looked at an old carving in trees but they healed up. just personal stuff... we hugged and that was that, with a peace sign she was again gone but on good terms id imagine. She told me that shes happily married for 5 months and that shes doing good. She also said there will be more times she might drop by to say hi and that she expects me not be drinking when she might come back. (during the day drinking type of thing)
Later that day i got more booze and drank like a happy drunk i had become. the next day, last Thursday I had gotten soo hammered i woke up on the toilet with the shower curtained ripped off the wall not remembering ****. The alcoholic i was even 4 days without shower, went and got more vodka and booze and drank all day, i dont remember nothing.. then last friday i woke up on my metal futon everything quiet.. i had woken up from blacking out like million times before, thinking "what the hell did the last 7 years of my life go. i didnt remember anything. i still kinda dont. and i kept thinking i could have gotten my masters in aeronautical engineering and had nice house, actual running car, friends and possibly the women of my dreams. Thats when it hit me... It wasnt the alcohol, it was my emotions that drove to drinking addiction that kept adding more weight and more weight to more shoulders. I woke up as a nobody.
I vowed not to drink again, because i cant control myself. one beer isnt enough 30 beers isnt enough, 5 bottles of wine a day or 2 bottles of 100 proof wasnt the answer. i had sold everything i had for booze. not even a fridge. i spent my inheritance, all of it. and no roomates left that would help me out with rent and bills.. I remembered what she had told me two days before i stared to be sober, and that possibility-- that chance i may see her again. i didnt want to be the person i had become, so close from living under a bridge only caring about another bottle of booze just for that day, wouldnt even matter if ate, just booze..
Ive been going on (5 days) sober after chills shakes horrible nightmares and fatigue. I started jogging 3 miles a day since saturday, (had good cardio from riding my bicycle everywhere), got my hygiene in check, looking for a job and was actually lucky enough to get a few hundred bucks to start my life over..im on a diet, ive made goals to never drink again and be a **** up.. . but its really pathetic when i type my history and see it for what it is, pathetic. Being the most sober ive been since -FOREVER- it opens my eyes. I know i'll never be able to see or be with my long lost girlfriend but i gotta stay sober for me not her. i missed out on the last 7 years.. i could of done sooo much. but now at square one-its just one day at a time..
My roommate that left me recently because i was always drunk and mean to him wanted to just hang and talk yesterday, he had brought me two 32oz millers and left them at the doorstep because i wasnt at the pad. I got mad because im trying to quit. but he didnt know. i still have them.. i was going to pour them out because its very tempting to slam them down even if the half gallon of beer wouldnt do anything for me.. but i know that it wouldnt stop there. that i have to go spend everything i had on more booze.. but i didnt drink them. I had just made it to day 4 and was clean shaving, took 2-3 showers a day, cleaned up the place.. later that day i bumped into that same one girlfriend again(the one that visited me at my worst time last week) at the grocery store-- as i was leaving. we talked from a moment and i told her i had been sober for 4 days and she seemed glad i guess, she noticed a beardless face and clean cut ways, i mentioned i had gone through self-detox.. Ended the conversation with just a quick high five for accomplishment and that was it.. i know she is married and its very awkward, but that high five meant a lot. to me it meant im taking the right steps to end my nightmare as there no chance that never going to make her happy, and it set free from emotions and once drove me down, because she had forgiven me..
So ive joined this forum for support as well as keep a journal of my days being sober so i can reflect how hard it was to even today , day 5..i gotta start somewhere.. so ya its pretty pathetic and sad who i am and how my life turned out.. one day at a time..
I still have those 32oz millers and im very tempted to drink them but i wont, its really hard not to sooo tempting sooo tempting especially after typing about my wasteful years i pissed away all for nothing. I am a dumb depressed drunk that never did anything with his life but accomplish one good thing. day 4. i look forward to today(day5) and tomorrow(day6). i am not going backwards hopefully, i dont want to be that person anymore. blacking out all day everyday. im done with that now.
I thought i was dreaming.Waking up to the door bell after rounds two blacking out drunk each time sleeping on a metal futon without the cushion that i had called bed for about 2.5 months.. anyways i couldnt believe it was her.
(now lets go back 3 years ago)
I had started to take up drinking more often in 2009 April..when it hit me that she was with somebody for years and engaged too.
i went on then i seen her at with her finace shopping hiding and booking it out the door while her finace laughed and smiled.. that summer i lost my dog due to disease from parvo not giving the last shot. I felt bad, really bad. I spent the entire summer of 2009 drinking and getting hammered, eating everything and drinking everything. i gained close to 40 pounds that summer. i snapped out of it for a while, getting hammered instead of going to college on its first day.. attending classes buzz-like, but still maintained alright grades. half way through the semester I seen the girl of my dreams sitting outside the classroom texting, i lost it. I dont know why exactly maybe guilt. but i went straight home and never went back to college because i couldnt bear to see the women again on campus whom rejected me for soo many years.
I drank and i drank and did nothing. until 2010 when i heard her and finace broke it off during summer. filled with joy i tried to contact her via facebook, never had one before, but seemed well. then i messaged her...while drunk... it was a tailspin to destruction.. i woke up the next day and couldnt believe some of the **** i said. nothing good just stupid stuff like, "i miss you, i still love you" and other things trying to persuaded her to like me again and stuff.. well apparently while it was a harsh breakup between her ex of 4 years and the feeling. its was the wrong time plus i was hammered messaging..
She messaged me back and reminded me of all the bad times i ****** up in the past (from 2004-2005) drinking and smoking, neglecting her on dates standing her up just so i can drink... then she said its over and never try to get a hold of her again...ever.. I felt guilty so quit facebook closed up shop and started drinking hard hard. everyday all day.
2 years finally past and it was 2012.. i didnt want to live and still obsessed with the mistakes i had made then i would drink and drink. and on the 23rd of september 2012, i heard she had been married for 4 months to an older guy, about 9 years older... man that killed me harder. i messaged on facebook (reopened), "thats so awesome youre happy. i regret not being a better person. now you have contrast. i wish you well.." (closed account after that) and just continued to get wicked with drinking not caring..
three days later the 26th, thats when i woke up to that door bell. it was her. she was 7 years older from when i remembered her, a full grown women. i was dirty smelled hadnt taken a shower for like two days, unshaven unkept, i was embarrassed..
She mentioned she couldnt message me back so she came by she said. We talked about 1 hour in the long unmowed grass about the confusions of the past, she forgave for the harsh times and emotional pain.
It took me back 7-8 years that day when we had those good moments talking about the good times and good things, i got emotional, tearing confessing. talked a lot even looked at an old carving in trees but they healed up. just personal stuff... we hugged and that was that, with a peace sign she was again gone but on good terms id imagine. She told me that shes happily married for 5 months and that shes doing good. She also said there will be more times she might drop by to say hi and that she expects me not be drinking when she might come back. (during the day drinking type of thing)
Later that day i got more booze and drank like a happy drunk i had become. the next day, last Thursday I had gotten soo hammered i woke up on the toilet with the shower curtained ripped off the wall not remembering ****. The alcoholic i was even 4 days without shower, went and got more vodka and booze and drank all day, i dont remember nothing.. then last friday i woke up on my metal futon everything quiet.. i had woken up from blacking out like million times before, thinking "what the hell did the last 7 years of my life go. i didnt remember anything. i still kinda dont. and i kept thinking i could have gotten my masters in aeronautical engineering and had nice house, actual running car, friends and possibly the women of my dreams. Thats when it hit me... It wasnt the alcohol, it was my emotions that drove to drinking addiction that kept adding more weight and more weight to more shoulders. I woke up as a nobody.
I vowed not to drink again, because i cant control myself. one beer isnt enough 30 beers isnt enough, 5 bottles of wine a day or 2 bottles of 100 proof wasnt the answer. i had sold everything i had for booze. not even a fridge. i spent my inheritance, all of it. and no roomates left that would help me out with rent and bills.. I remembered what she had told me two days before i stared to be sober, and that possibility-- that chance i may see her again. i didnt want to be the person i had become, so close from living under a bridge only caring about another bottle of booze just for that day, wouldnt even matter if ate, just booze..
Ive been going on (5 days) sober after chills shakes horrible nightmares and fatigue. I started jogging 3 miles a day since saturday, (had good cardio from riding my bicycle everywhere), got my hygiene in check, looking for a job and was actually lucky enough to get a few hundred bucks to start my life over..im on a diet, ive made goals to never drink again and be a **** up.. . but its really pathetic when i type my history and see it for what it is, pathetic. Being the most sober ive been since -FOREVER- it opens my eyes. I know i'll never be able to see or be with my long lost girlfriend but i gotta stay sober for me not her. i missed out on the last 7 years.. i could of done sooo much. but now at square one-its just one day at a time..
My roommate that left me recently because i was always drunk and mean to him wanted to just hang and talk yesterday, he had brought me two 32oz millers and left them at the doorstep because i wasnt at the pad. I got mad because im trying to quit. but he didnt know. i still have them.. i was going to pour them out because its very tempting to slam them down even if the half gallon of beer wouldnt do anything for me.. but i know that it wouldnt stop there. that i have to go spend everything i had on more booze.. but i didnt drink them. I had just made it to day 4 and was clean shaving, took 2-3 showers a day, cleaned up the place.. later that day i bumped into that same one girlfriend again(the one that visited me at my worst time last week) at the grocery store-- as i was leaving. we talked from a moment and i told her i had been sober for 4 days and she seemed glad i guess, she noticed a beardless face and clean cut ways, i mentioned i had gone through self-detox.. Ended the conversation with just a quick high five for accomplishment and that was it.. i know she is married and its very awkward, but that high five meant a lot. to me it meant im taking the right steps to end my nightmare as there no chance that never going to make her happy, and it set free from emotions and once drove me down, because she had forgiven me..
So ive joined this forum for support as well as keep a journal of my days being sober so i can reflect how hard it was to even today , day 5..i gotta start somewhere.. so ya its pretty pathetic and sad who i am and how my life turned out.. one day at a time..
I still have those 32oz millers and im very tempted to drink them but i wont, its really hard not to sooo tempting sooo tempting especially after typing about my wasteful years i pissed away all for nothing. I am a dumb depressed drunk that never did anything with his life but accomplish one good thing. day 4. i look forward to today(day5) and tomorrow(day6). i am not going backwards hopefully, i dont want to be that person anymore. blacking out all day everyday. im done with that now.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
Day one for me... Tonight will be hell but I'll be sobber.
Hang in there I'm with you, just behind you on day one ;-)
7 yars is not so bad, I have 20 years in me. Lost multiple girlfriends to the bottle.
Im quitting smoking also. Might as well do a full cleanup!
Hang in there I'm with you, just behind you on day one ;-)
7 yars is not so bad, I have 20 years in me. Lost multiple girlfriends to the bottle.
Im quitting smoking also. Might as well do a full cleanup!
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
AnotherAlcoholi...Welcome to our Alcoholism Forum...
Glad to know you are heading into a better sober future..
When my drinking turned me into a depressed woman I detested
I quit and have stayed that way by useing the recovery program
Alcoholics Anonymous.
I certainly hope you will check out AA and please do keep
posting with us....many members here are winning over alcohol.
Glad to know you are heading into a better sober future..
When my drinking turned me into a depressed woman I detested
I quit and have stayed that way by useing the recovery program
Alcoholics Anonymous.
I certainly hope you will check out AA and please do keep
posting with us....many members here are winning over alcohol.
Euphoric Recaller
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: PHX Suburbs
Posts: 371
I could get sober on my own, but the only way I've been able to stay sober is to join a program of recovery. I'd highly reccomend it.
I can relate a lot with your story. I remember being obsessed with an old girlfriend when I was an active alcoholic/drug addict. Its amazing how little I think about that girl since I got sober. Now I spend much more time looking at girls I could potentially go out with today and getting their numbers and calling them and stuff. I haven't forgotten the past, but I've certainly become comfortable with letting it go.
I can relate a lot with your story. I remember being obsessed with an old girlfriend when I was an active alcoholic/drug addict. Its amazing how little I think about that girl since I got sober. Now I spend much more time looking at girls I could potentially go out with today and getting their numbers and calling them and stuff. I haven't forgotten the past, but I've certainly become comfortable with letting it go.
And please.... pour out those beers! Why do that to yourself?
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